He finally says, “This has been a mistake from the beginning. I’m sorry I even agreed to see you. I should have followed your lead when you left me in a hospital room without opening your mouth.” I lunge forward and slap his beautiful, cruel face. The force turns his head in the opposite direction. It leaves a remarkably large, red welt and I’m satisfied for the moment. The hurt comes back quickly and I want to do more than slap him. I want to kill him. For making me fall in love all over again and snatching it away, but mostly for calling our love a mistake. How can a love like ours be a mistake?
I throw out my hand. “Don’t say anything else. You’ve made your point.”
Because he’s trying to not just break up with me, but destroy me too, he keeps on. He turns his back to me. “It’s your fault, Lainey. I’ve been a fool to even entertain the idea of loving you again. I’ll say it one more time. Marry Dax. He’s a nice guy.”
“Get out,” I order, my tone angry and low. I try and fail to keep the tears in check. Numbness replaces all emotion, but I can’t stop the crying.
Walking toward my bedroom door, he pauses at the threshold, turns and says, “It’s okay to give up on the bad guy, Fast Lane.” With that, he leaves. I hear the side door close and lock. My shaking hands fail as I try to grab my cell phone from the table in my bedroom where it charges. It slips out of my grip a second time and I give up. Who would I call at this hour anyway? Cody’s words are on repeat. His boozy breath and lipstick stained clothing tell me he gave up on us before I knew we were finished. Hopes, dreams, and plans are crushed so small, I know I’ll never see them again. I sit on my purple, velvet chaise, pull a furry blanket over my shoulders, and cry harder than I’ve ever cried in my entire life.
****
Like clockwork, Dax calls in the morning. My voice is hoarse from sobbing for six hours straight. Being the good guy he is, he realizes something is wrong right away and insists on coming over even when I tell him not to. I’m fresh from a shower, still in a towel when he rings the doorbell. “What a fucking gentleman,” I whisper to myself. I throw the door open and without saying anything else I walk back to the bedroom. Dax trails in my wake of anger, sadness, and denial. I guess he expects me to cry on his shoulder about losing Cody. How fucked up is that? When I get to the closet I drop my towel and enter. Nothing he hasn’t seen before, I think, literally not giving a shit about anything. If I was wrong about Cody, I don’t want to be right about anything else. Screw. It. All.
“I have work to get done, Dax. It was nice of you to stop by, but I really am fine. I just had a bad night’s sleep. Bad dreams. You know how I get them.” I glance behind me to see if he’s listening, and he’s staring at my bare backside. I decide that maybe I should give a few fucks. “Oops,” I say, stooping down to grab my towel. “Sorry.”
He’s horny as hell. I can see it in his eyes and his bulging pants. “Don’t apologize,” Dax says. “You’re not fine. Tell me about…the bad dreams,” he orders, without taking his eyes off me. I realize I may not have Cody, but I have Dax. That’s one truth that came spewing out of his mouth last night. This man is head over fucking heels for me. Still. It bothers me more than it enamors me. Cody doesn’t deserve me? Well, I don’t deserve anyone either—especially not Dax.
I lean against the doorjamb, propping one foot behind the other. My hair drips water onto the cool, wood floor. “Why are you so good to me? I don’t deserve it. I don’t even want it, and yet here you are trying to make everything okay. Some things aren’t okay no matter what. That’s where I’m at right now, Dax. Not okay. Won’t be okay. Ever. Aren’t you exhausted? Stop trying so hard.” Maybe he’ll get the point. I don’t want anyone. I want to be alone to lick my wounds in peace and solitude. Even Dax’s kind ways can’t bring me back to life after this.
“It’s Cody, isn’t it?” Dax asks. Just the mentioning of his name gives me goosebumps.
I shake my head, saunter back into the closet, and throw on a long-sleeved maxi dress…no under garments needed. When I come back out I approach Dax. His gaze flicks from my hips to my chest, to my face. “Intuitive, aren’t you? I’ll be fine. I need time to figure things out.”
He throws his arms out. “What is there to figure out? I’m standing right here. What do I have to do to get you to notice me? The person who has been right here the whole time?” He’s right. Last night’s conversation with Cody takes on the shape of my worst nightmare. Because maybe he’s right. Maybe I should marry Dax and try to forget Cody is even alive. I was certain he was just bullshitting last night to easily cut ties with me, but now I’m second-guessing myself. What if he’s right? my inner voice whispers as I take in Dax.
“Basically Cody told me to fuck off. I’m going to need some time to get over this, Dax. I was ready to drop everything for him—a fact that should bother you, yet it doesn’t. There’s not much I can’t comprehend, but this is one of those times.”
Gently, Dax grabs me by my shoulders and pins me with his soulful gaze. “Because that’s how much I love you, Lainey. That’s how much I’m sure of our future. You are it for me. When we first got together, I knew what I was getting myself into. It’s not any different now. Don’t think, just feel. I know your love for me is in there somewhere. I know it. I trust you.” Just as Cody uses words to cut me, here is Dax trying to heal me with truths.
I’m so, so broken, flailing in the depths of confusion. It’s in this moment of Dax’s beautiful words, with Cody’s mean ones warring, that I give in. How can I not?
“Fine, Dax. Fine,” I say, smiling a tiny, broken smile. “Give me some time.”
He looks confused. “That easy?” he asks, raising one brow and quirking the side of his mouth.
“That easy,” I confirm. “Can I just be alone right now? I’ll call you later. I promise.”
“The wedding?” he asks. He looks so hopeful and innocent. I have to swallow down the vomit I feel rising up in my chest. The wedding. The one I was hours away from canceling.
I give him my best ‘we’ll see’ and send him packing. I try to be as kind to him as possible, reminding myself that he has nothing to do with Cody and his breakup to go down in history, but it’s hard. He’s male. The female body’s initial response is to hate testosterone during times like this. He asks for details about what Cody said, and that’s a huge mistake. I tell him the bare minimum. Enough to let him know he broke up with me and as little as I can because part of me doesn’t want Dax to see Cody in this horrible light. Would he consider it a reflection of me? My poor choices? Cody is something I’ve never had a choice in. I think that’s the problem. The one who loves most loses all the power in a relationship. My mother once told me that if one can find beauty in tragedy then you’ll always have a soul that is free. There’s no beauty or freedom in losing him again. There’s only pain and shackles that pin me to the past. What used to be will haunt me and what almost was may very well kill me.
My body is quivering from the shock of everything. Nothing is fixed, Cody is gone, and Dax, my good guy, is trying to save the day yet again. I sit down at my computer and open my personal email. I haven’t checked it in a while. The notifications have been off for days. There’s one from Cody. I click it open and a pang of razor blades slice my heart when I see his words.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: All the things I didn’t say
I didn’t say I love you because with you, it’s more. You’re so perfectly beautiful, unique, intelligent, stunning, cunning, I can’t stop thinking about you. I want to take you to Dances like the Wind and live there with you forever. We’ll never leave. No more jobs, contracting, looking over my shoulder. Unless you’re naked over my shoulder, of course, I’ll look then. I’m ready to make a forever life with you. The one we should have had before life threw us a nasty curve ball.
Don’t believe me? Here’s how I know: in a person’s lifetime there are so many different types of love. Love th
at’s just a verb, love that’s merely content to exist, and then there’s our love—a feeling so strong that the word doesn’t do it justice. It exists in every space on the planet regardless of the circumstances (I know, I’ve tested it) and it transcends time, morphing to resemble what we need it to during any given moment. I think that’s the kind of love that means the most. It changes when we need it to and stays steadfast at the same time. We have the time and space kind of love, Fast Lane.
P.S. I didn’t say it, but I do love you.
Always. Time and space.
Cody
And with the conclusion of the most beautifully tragic email in the world, I lose the last shreds of sanity. My arms shake, but I manage to throw my goddamned laptop at the wall so hard that it dents the thick drywall. “How about this time and space, you asshole!” I yell. I fold my arms on my desk, crown them with my head, and cry some more.
What else am I supposed to do? You can’t lose the love of your life twice and expect to recover fully intact. Wrap it in bacon if you want to make it more palatable, but you can go ahead and choke on your happily ever after.
No one gets those these days.
Chapter Sixteen
Cody
One Month Later
The endless lines of code on my computer screens are making my eyes blur. Fifteen hours of coding and I’m finally stopping for a break. I forgot to eat today. Molly called and reminded me. I stretch my arms over my head and crack my neck. I need a workout, too—a long, long workout to drain me of my pent-up energy and sexual frustration. You’d think after a month, I would’ve at least found a woman to fuck on the regular, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. It feels…wrong. My dick, on the other hand, doesn’t care and we’re looming closer and closer to accepting one of the many dates Molly has made for us. I say ‘us’ because my dick is the deciding factor. I can’t make good decisions, maybe he can. I’ve let the guys take over RC for the time being. I make more money selling code. It’s mostly because it helps me forget everything else. Other than a few check-in calls daily, Horse and Van have taken the reigns. V? He’s mine. The guys know it.
I’ve received the intel from Dax and I’ve got a tracker on V. We’re in the middle of planning the perfect method for capturing him. The scenarios play in front of my eyelids when I close them to sleep at night. Most aren’t logical or reasonable scenarios, but fuck, it’s my dreams. They all end with the same fate. V dead, lying in front of my boots, and me finally sucking in clean oxygen for the first time since my captivity all those years ago. Not only will I be able to rest easy knowing he’s paid for what he’s done to me, but his wrath won’t be available to anyone else either. I’m doing the world a favor, really.
In contrast to my dreams, my nightmares are always comprised of Lainey’s tear-streaked face. How cruel I was to tell her those lies. How impossible it is that she believed me. Though I knew she would, it still stings that she didn’t question anything. She took it all at face value without reading into it. Literally days before I broke up with her, I wrote her an email that explained how I felt. It was supposed to insert doubt into my breakup speech. It didn’t. My words haunt me. They were the perfect deception. It worked. She’s marrying Dax Redding, Navy SEAL, Virginia’s best catch. I think the wedding is soon, but I try not to dwell. I got what I wanted out of the unfair trade-off. Dax got more. Some nights I miss her more than is bearable. It’s worse this time. Knowing she’s in his bed, loving him, kissing him, being his. At least when I was in V’s dungeon I could wax poetic about Lainey. Keeping my eye on the prize is the only thing that works to clear my mind.
NYC is bustling at this hour. I peer down at the people and cabs littering my view and blow out a pent-up breath. So many people and yet I’m so lonely. “Soon your loneliness will have purpose,” I say out loud, reminding myself why I’m here, torturing myself with code instead of in Lainey’s arms. To stop the train of thought I pull on a T-shirt, ball cap, and sneakers to head out into the city and grab a bite to eat. When was the last time I showered? Shaved? It doesn’t matter. I slide into a café near my house, the one Molly called my order into, and ask the waitress if it’s ready. While she’s gone in the back to check, I turn to sit at a booth.
“Cody Ridge. Is that you?” a brunette woman sitting nearby says. I raise my eyebrows in surprise and turn toward her voice. Should I know this woman? While beautiful and unassuming, I have no fucking clue who she is.
She puts a palm on her chest. “It’s me. Molly’s friend, Rosy. I was with Molly that one time she made a delivery to you.” How in the fuck am I supposed to remember this? I smile and nod. I pretend. Then I realize what’s really going on right now. When will I learn?
“Molly told you I’d be here?”
She looks confused. “No. Well, yes. She said we had a date. I thought it was weird that I didn’t hear from you and just her, but I figured you are a very busy, very important man and she is your assistant.” Flattery will get you everywhere. The waitress returns and confirms that there was never an order placed. Rosy tucks her hair behind her ears. It’s a nervous habit.
Of course there wasn’t an order. This is an elaborate set-up from the mastermind of Molly-fired-in-the-morning. “Join me,” I say, nodding to the seat in front of me. Not a very gentlemanly move, but I’m calculating just how Molly will pay for this. Rosy smiles my way, showing me all thirty-two of her perfectly whitened teeth, and scoots into the booth. Up close she’s even prettier than I first thought. While her face is waxed and preened with makeup, I can tell she’s a beauty without it. She’s young. Younger than me, that’s for sure. With youth comes naiveté and for a brief moment I envy her and her unmarred soul. I’m assuming, of course, but how simple must her life be—how very completely different from mine. Like a damned light bulb flickering to life, it hits me. Rosy is exactly what I need. Simplicity at its finest.
She’s telling me about an accident involving a cab and bicycle down a few blocks. Her mouth moves quickly, and her voice isn’t offensive. She’s a talker and a pleaser. Rosy gets animated when I nod, or smile to encourage her to go on. Maybe Molly will live to see another day as my assistant. She’s right. I feel less lonely already.
The waitress comes by and brings menus, which interrupts her current story. “Tell me about you,” I say to Rosy, cocking my head to the side inquisitively. “I want to know everything.”
Her cheeks flush crimson, and her long lashes float down bashfully. “There’s not much to know, really.”
“I don’t believe that for one second,” I reply. She giggles—such a pure, innocent, innocuous noise, but my cock responds immediately. Yes, we are where we’re supposed to be right now, cock, fear not.
“I graduated Julliard last semester. I’m the assistant to the assistant of the CEO of Silver Enterprises. I know, I know, all that money for a degree that I’m not even using. My mom says I’m throwing my life away, but I’m climbing the ladder, you know? Everyone has to start somewhere. I want to run things one day,” Rosy says, finally meeting my gaze. Her eyes are light brown, a liquid amber color. They’re the wrong color. I close my eyes when Lainey’s face comes to mind. I remind myself that wrong is what I need. It’s right.
I rub the stubble on my chin with my thumb and forefinger. I should have shaved. “You’re right. Sometimes parents don’t know best,” I say. My aunt and uncle raised me and it’s been far too long since I’ve seen them. Everyone had a hard time adjusting to my non-death. For me it was easier to throw myself in work than stick around and lament with them about the time when I was a different man. Although it’s what they would have preferred, I’m sure. Talking about it makes it real and I’ve developed the ability to mask it.
Like right now. “I can’t believe what you’ve been through! I followed it on the news for weeks. It’s so crazy! Are you okay? I mean, of course you’re okay. Look at you. But are you okay, really?” Rosy asks, though she has no fucking right. This would have pissed me off, usual
ly. She’s young. She can’t help it. Twenty-somethings have the tact of the cast of reality TV stars. Zero. Humor her, Cody, my cock whispers.
“It was pretty crazy,” I say, trying not to let my sarcasm rear. “I’m okay. Everything worked out. Some say the hard things in life are the ones that build the most character.” Also, it depends on what you deem ‘okay’. It was indeed crazy, and I’m also a little bit crazy. Insanity is character so it’s not a lie. How did she flip this around? She’s supposed to be talking about herself.
Our food arrives and we both dig in. She can’t possibly know that I haven’t eaten in God knows how long, that I’ve been developing code that will sell for more than most people make in a lifetime. I want to attack my plate, but I hold back.
“Where are you from?” I ask. It’s a relevant question for her age and status in life. She probably just moved from there before attending college here in the city.
She blushes a little, swallows her food, and then says, “Virginia Beach, actually. My parents just bought a house by the water. Their dream home. It’s so beautiful. I’m happy for them. I met Molly when we crossed paths in Virginia Beach. I guess you could say I’ve been a fan of yours for quite some time now. A fan of all Navy SEALs, actually.” Oh, great. A young frog hog. I wonder if any of the other guys have tapped her yet. Molly despises women who seek out SEALs. The fact that she set me up with one should give me a clue about what she thinks about me at the moment.
I nod my head, pull my cap down a little lower, and take another bite of my food while she continues on about the house. The waitress fills our water glasses and leaves again. “So, you’re a fan, huh?” I ask in a lull during her praise and worship for my former career path. “I’m not in the Navy anymore, though. You still wanted a date?” I’m half joking.
Time and Space Page 13
