The Awesome, Almost 100% True Adventures of Matt & Craz

by Alan Silberberg

  “It’s the least I could do.” Matt beamed. “I get to spend a night with Cindy. You get to hang with your favorite superhero. Perfect Saturday night.”

  “You got that right!” Craz said, pointing at the drawing. “Great idea adding Captain G’s Quantum Accel-a-car, by the way.”

  “Yeah, I thought using his ride would be a pretty classy way to get around town,” said Matt. He raised the lid of the scanner and took one last look at the panels of his cartoon. “First a quick dinner where I don’t have to make too much conversation.”

  “I hear you. Not talking to girls is something I’m really good at,” Craz said. “No worries, though. I’ve got a million questions for the captain. I can keep the convo going strong.”

  “Great. Then after dinner we cruise to the Imperial and spend a couple of hours watching a romantic movie inside a dark theater, hand-holding optional.”

  “Speak for yourself!” Craz didn’t want to hold hands, but he definitely wanted to try on Captain G-Force’s crime-fighting gravity gloves.

  Matt looked at the last panel and sighed. “The perfect Saturday night.”

  “Sounds decent enough. But . . .” Craz rubbed his chin. “Only thing I’d change is the movie. Chick-flicks are so boring. Maybe you should amp it up.”

  “Amp it up? How?”

  Craz grabbed the cartoon and thought for a second. “Simple. Make it a scary movie. Something that gets the heart pumping, you know?”

  Matt liked Craz’s idea but hated the thought of having to redo the whole cartoon. “It’s a ton of work to start over, and it’s already five thirty.”

  As usual, Craz had the solution. “You don’t have to redraw the whole thing. Just add something to the last panel. Have Cindy say, ‘That was the scariest movie ever.’ That’ll take care of it, right?”

  Matt eyed the cartoon and saw that he could easily squeeze in a speech balloon. “Sure. Why not? Let the movie be scary.” He was already picturing how Cindy would snuggle closer to him. “Hand me the pen.”

  Matt added the simple line of dialogue for Cindy and then slid the cartoon under the scanner lid. “Here’s to finally getting a great Saturday night!”

  “You and me, buddy,” Craz said, thrusting his fist into the air like Captain G-Force. “And a night to remember!”

  21

  SATURDAY NIGHT

  DINNER WENT PRETTY MUCH AS THEY HAD drawn it—a cozy table for four in the corner of Pizelli’s Pizza House. Nothing fancy that might make anyone uncomfortable, and plenty of choices for food—as long as they included crust, sauce, and cheese.

  Cindy looked pretty in a jean skirt and purple sweater, and Matt didn’t even have to draw that part.

  “Great pick for dinner,” Cindy said with a bite of Hawaiian pizza dripping from her mouth. “I’m really glad you called, Matt.”

  “And I’m really glad you didn’t hang up on me,” Matt said, instantly wishing he could try that sentence again, only this time without sounding like a jerk.

  “This carbohydrate-based sustenance makes my circuits dance,” Captain G-Force announced from across the table, looking chiseled and perfect, except for the napkin tucked in as a bib to keep his neon purple uniform sauce-free. Famished, the cyborg superhero was already working on his second whole veggie party pizza. “Yum. I’ve never actually eaten food before.”

  “I know,” Craz said with a full mouth. “How come comic books never show you guys eating? What’s that about?”

  “I’ve never used a bathroom before either. But that’s all about to change for . . . Captain G-Force!” He stood up and carefully wiped the sauce from his mouth. “This truly is an exciting day.”

  As the superhero made his way to the men’s room, Cindy leaned in to Matt. “Craz’s uncle is kind of strange, isn’t he?”

  “I think it runs in the family,” Matt said as he watched Craz try on Captain G-Force’s gravity gloves and then punch at invisible enemies. “But what are friends for, right?”

  Cindy smiled. “Right.”

  After dessert they piled into the sleek Accel-a-car, and Captain G-Force used the quantum drive to zoom them to the Imperial theater across town. The Imperial was one of those old-time movie houses with just one screen, and they popped their popcorn fresh instead of pouring it out of huge plastic bags like at the megaplex in the mall.

  “Facemelters 3-D?” Cindy read the title from the theater’s marquee while Craz bought tickets. “Sounds kind of scary.”

  “Not to worry, young lady,” Captain G-Force said with his hands squarely on his hips. “Scary is my middle name!”

  Matt pulled Cindy aside. “Scary is good, right?” Matt looked a little worried.

  Cindy grinned. “Are you kidding? Scary is great!” She gave his arm a little squeeze. “I love being scared.”

  Craz gave Matt a Told ya nod and then pushed Captain G-Force through the open glass doors. “It’s showtime!”

  At the snack bar they loaded up on two tubs of popcorn with real butter, a box of Raisinets, and four huge sodas. “Our treat,” Craz announced. It was a good thing Matt had drawn them a fresh supply of cash.

  They went to find seats in the theater but stopped when a malted milk ball bonked Matt in the head. He turned around and saw Paulie Frick grinning from an aisle seat next to some of his Killer Bees football buddies.

  “You boys sure you can handle a movie like this?” Paulie shouted so that lots of people were staring at Matt and Craz. “It’s not a cartoon, you know. And what’s with the big weirdo in the cheapo costume? Halloween was last month, dude.”

  Craz exploded. “Cheapo costume? He’s wearing an original one-of-a-kind Captain G-Force cyber suit. They don’t come any more real than this!”

  Paulie tossed another malted milk ball, which hit Captain G-Force in the chest. “Bull’s-eye!”

  “You, sir, shall be annihilated!” Captain G-Force touched his left gravity glove, which began to vibrate and glow a deep crimson.

  “Uh, no. That’s okay, Captain,” Craz quickly said. “Let’s just get some seats.”

  The glove went back to normal. “As you wish, short companion.”

  “Bye-bye, babies,” Paulie shouted before laughing loudly. “Losers.”

  Matt tensed up. His shoulders pushed closer to his ears.

  “Just ignore him,” Cindy said. “He’s been a jerk since fourth grade. He’s not worth it.” Her voice was so sweet that Matt relaxed a little as they continued looking for a place to sit.

  They settled into four seats near the screen just as the lights went down and the trailers began. Captain G-Force was going wild on the popcorn and enjoyed how the soda made him burp.

  After about ten minutes of mostly boring movie previews, Facemelters finally started and everyone in the theater put on the 3-D glasses. Electronic music echoed softly and then swooped to a loud clash of instruments as the title of the movie shot off the screen and then melted, which looked like it was dripping onto their laps.

  “Gross.” Cindy laughed. She reached into the popcorn at the same moment Matt did, and their hands touched. She didn’t pull away, and Matt didn’t dare even move a finger.

  This was going to be a great night.

  The first twenty minutes of the movie were pretty lame. A scientist named Dr. Lutzor was in a horrible accident and had burns all over his body. His face was totally disfigured, and he became a recluse in his lab. Working to create a fake skin to fix his own face, he accidentally created living flesh that mutated and started to consume any human it came in contact with. There was a subplot with zombies, which actually made no sense.

  “And the really scary stuff hasn’t even started yet,” Craz whispered to Matt.

  Surpris
ingly, Boyd T. Boone had a cameo as a pizza delivery guy who gets eaten by the zombies, and then Dr. Lutzor barricaded himself in his lab as he cooked up a new vat of skin.

  “Fresh flesh!” he screamed, holding up a handful of the drippy ooze, which he shoved out into the audience.

  “Ewww,” groaned the entire theater, except Captain G-Force, who shouted, “Annihilate!”

  Dr. Lutzor then picked up a scary-looking needle filled with some sort of fluorescent sci-fi formula and injected the skin, making it wriggle and pulse in his hand before he slapped the liquid mess onto his charred face and screamed in pain as the growing skin began to meld onto his skull with a disgusting wet sucking sound.

  Cindy was folded up against Matt. She had her hand over her 3-D glasses. “Can I look? Is that icky stuff still oozing?”

  “Oh, yeah,” said Matt, staring at the screen, where the doctor was now leaning out into the audience with his new flesh-face melting.

  Craz elbowed Matt. “I gotta admit, this is the best 3-D I’ve ever seen. It’s so real.”

  “I know,” Matt said. “I swear I can feel his face actually dripping on my head.”

  That was the moment that Cindy chose to open her eyes again. She screamed at the image of Dr. Lutzor’s creepy melting face.

  And then she screamed again when she took off the 3-D glasses and realized his face really was melting off the screen and onto the audience.

  “Ahhhh!” Cindy screamed along with the rest of the theater audience.

  “Setting gravity glove to laser!” shouted Captain G-Force, who stood up on his chair, prepared for battle.

  “This is so cool,” Craz said while he snapped pictures of the craziness with his cell phone.

  Matt whipped off his 3-D glasses and watched the entire audience start to panic as Dr. Lutzor made slicing motions at them with his scalpel. Adding to the insanity, Captain G-Force began shooting his glove laser wildly at the screen. People were running for the exits, and Paulie Frick was actually hiding under his seat, which was the only thing in the chaos that made Matt smile.

  “Take me home,” Cindy insisted as soon as they had found their way into the theater lobby. She grabbed a handful of napkins and wiped some of the slimy, oozy stuff off her nice sweater. “I can’t believe you took me here!”

  Because Captain G-Force and Craz stayed behind to fight Dr. Lutzor and the zombies, Matt and Cindy were forced to take a bus back to her house. It was a long, uncomfortable ride, and neither of them could find anything to say.

  “I thought you liked scary movies,” Matt finally said once they were standing on Cindy’s front porch.

  “Everyone likes being scared a little,” Cindy said, still upset and acting cold to Matt. “That was the scariest movie ever!”

  Matt remembered those were the exact words that he’d put into the cartoon. Except in the cartoon Cindy was smiling, and right now she could barely look at him.

  “I wish I’d stayed home,” she said before storming into her house, leaving Matt alone on the porch, which wasn’t exactly the way he’d pictured that the evening would end.

  22

  BACK TO NORMAL?

  AS SOON AS HE GOT HOME, MATT USED THE pen to draw a new cartoon that erased the Saturday night disaster and then did a quick scan of it to make sure it became real right away.

  Thankfully, Cindy would now have no memory of the 3-D movie meltdown and Matt could go back to the safety of worshiping her silently from afar.

  “It’s our fault,” Matt said from the kitchen phone the next morning. “We made it the scariest movie ever. Who knew the pen would turn it into a total horror show.”

  “I miss Captain G-Force,” Craz whined. “He was going to show me his secret lair.”

  “I’m sorry,” Matt said. “But I had to redraw it so the whole evening went away. But I’ll get you a new Captain G-Force action figure to make up for it, okay?”

  “The expensive one with the working laser gravity glove?”

  “Sure. I’ll doodle it later.”

  “Fine,” Craz sighed. “So now what? Are you going to try again with Cindy? Maybe doodle up a little miniature golfing? A picnic is always safe, though kind of dorky.”

  “No way,” Matt said. “I’m not using the pen to get her to like me. If it happens, it happens.”

  “If you say so,” Craz said. After an awkward moment of silence he got excited. “So what should we draw up today? Jet packs? A caveman butler?”

  “Hello? Are you even listening? We just barely survived last night. No more crazy cartoons,” Matt said. “Besides, it’s Sunday. I have to hang with my family.”

  “Riiiiight,” Craz said. “I forgot you guys have that whole ‘family day’ thing at your house. Even with your dad gone, you guys still do it, huh?”

  Matt snuck a look at his mother sitting alone on the living room couch doing her Sunday crossword puzzle.

  “Yup. Another Sunday fun day,” Matt said. “What are you up to?”

  “Me?” Craz watched as his little sister kicked his little brother, who then ripped off her doll’s head and bit into it like a bagel. Meagan’s scream pierced Craz’s brain. “Just looking for a new family.”

  MATT POKED HIS HEAD INTO RICKY’S ROOM.

  “What do you want?” Ricky was lying on his bed reading the new issue of GuitarMax. “Come on, spit it out.”

  “It’s just . . . you know. I was wondering . . .”

  Ricky stared at Matt. “What? Come on, Matt. You’re sucking up my free time.”

  “Do you ever miss Dad?” Matt finally asked from the safety of the doorway. He knew actually stepping into Ricky’s room would not end well.

  “Does a vampire miss the sunlight?” Ricky snapped. “What’s eating you?”

  Matt shook his head. “I dunno. Mom seems lonely.”

  “Mom is fine,” said Ricky, who finally looked up from his magazine. “Maybe you’re the one with the problem. Ever think of that?”

  “Hey, I couldn’t care less. I just thought . . .” Matt let his words trail off. What did he think? That his life would be better if his dad had never left? Sure. Why wouldn’t that be true? They were happier when they were a whole family; at least he thought so. “Forget it. But we should plan something good for today so Mom doesn’t take us to a flower show again.”

  “Ugh, family day.” Ricky let out a deep groan. “I hate Sundays. Now get out of here and close the door. Tight!”

  Back in his room Matt picked up the framed family photo from when he was eight. It had been taken at Disneyland, and all four of them stood in front of Sleeping Beauty’s castle against a bright blue sky. He remembered the day as perfect, and the family had never looked happier. Matt couldn’t help but think how different everything was back then. Ricky was his best friend. His mom and dad had their arms around each other. He still thought wearing a mouse ears cap with his name sewn on it was cool.

  His door opened and his mother stuck her head inside. “What do you say to a trip to the outlet mall? And burgers?”

  “Sounds like a plan,” Matt replied a little too happily. At least the burger part was something he could handle.

  “Great. Twenty minutes. Okay?”

  “Can’t wait,” he lied, knowing nothing could be worse than being dragged to an endless string of outlet stores.

  Twenty minutes. That was enough time to read the assigned chapter of Treasure Island that was due on Monday. It sure would be good to get that homework off his back. But it was also enough time to make a new cartoon, and Matt had an idea that he thought would be perfect.

  He grabbed his new pen and a fresh sheet of paper, and then, staring at the Disneyland photo, he drew a cartoon of himself, his mother,
then Ricky, and finally his dad.

  One big happy family spending another Sunday together.

  23

  BRAND-NEW DAY

  CRAZ LOCKED HIS BIKE TO THE RACK IN FRONT of Kilgore Junior High. His dad needed to take the family car in to be fixed, so Craz had been forced to get himself to school.

  It was rare that he showed up to school on time and even more of a miracle to actually be early. Especially on a Monday, when the morning scene in his house was like one of those slapstick comedies where everyone runs into one another and grabs the wrong lunches while crazed parents scream in the background. But there he was. Ten minutes early and with the right lunch bag in his backpack.

  “I’m telling you, Sammy,” Craz said, leaning against the flagpole in front of the school, “I’m lucky to make it here alive. You’ve seen my bike. That thing is a piece of junk.”

  Craz pointed to his bike, which had more rust showing than paint.

  “Yeah, it has seen better days,” Sammy said as he picked a scab off his elbow and then flicked it off his thumb into the grass. “So anything good happen this weekend?”

  Craz immediately thought of the wild night he’d had with Captain G-Force but knew there was no point in bragging about it. In the end it never really happened anyway. Even the pictures on his cell phone were gone. Matt’s cartoon had made sure of that.

  “Nope,” Craz said. “The usual weekend stuff. Eat. Sleep. Bathroom. Repeat.”

  Sammy nodded. “I got grounded for downloading a virus onto my dad’s computer, so you know things were wild at my house. Oh, yeah. Good times.”

  A bright red BMW sports car pulled up to the curb, and much to Sammy’s and Craz’s surprise, Matt stepped out of the passenger door.

  “Since when did Matt start getting rides to school?” asked Sammy. “And since when is his mom a dude?”

  Craz was just as surprised to see Matt get out of the car, and he was even more surprised to see that the dude behind the wheel was Matt’s dad. He’d moved out of the house months ago, and even though he still lived in town, he’d practically disappeared from Matt’s life. And he definitely never drove such a fancy car.