by Cassia Leo
We walk to Lambda Chi Alpha house on Pickard and Franklin, and we’re not surprised to find there’s no parking on Pickard or in the parking lot behind the house. The place is crawling with drunk college guys and a few girls here and there. This isn’t my crowd. Neither Tristan, Jake, nor I went to college after high school. I try not to let it intimidate me, but it’s hard. Especially on a night like this when I’ve got so much on my mind.
“What’s wrong? You’re so quiet tonight,” Claire says as we climb the porch steps to the front door of the blue two-story house.
“Got some stuff on my mind. Just band stuff. No big deal.”
She looks a little worried, but she lets it go and we head inside. Claire knows that the band has been having trouble lately ever since Xander had the bright idea of dropping the band name. Now he books all our shows under Chris Knight instead of Blue Knights. Tristan missed his first show last week and Jake and I had to play without a bassist. He’s testing his worth.
But that’s the least of my problems right now.
Senia and I have the same idea and we head straight for the booze. Kevin runs into one of his basketball teammates and they talk basketball while Claire tries to keep Senia and me from getting too shitfaced. But she’s doing a poor job.
We down our fifth shot of cherry whiskey — Senia’s new favorite drink — and she stares at me for a moment. I’m afraid she’s going to puke in my face, so I take a step back and get Kevin’s attention. He looks at me questioningly and I nod at Senia. He shakes his head and puts his hand on the small of her back to lead her out of the kitchen.
“Wait! There’s still a little left in the bottle.”
“There ain’t nothing left in that bottle, girl. You’re seeing things.” She looks over her shoulder, a deep longing in her eyes as she looks at the bottles on the counter. “Come on, baby. You can sit on my lap and take it easy for a little while.”
“Ooh. On your lap?”
Their voices fade away the farther they get, until we can’t hear or see them anymore. Claire turns to me and she looks pissed. She’s probably angry because she knows I have a higher tolerance for alcohol. I should have stopped Senia from trying to keep up with me.
“Why are you drinking so much?”
My face is getting numb and I’m feeling very loose, but I manage to pull out another lie. “I’m just trying to keep up with Senia. I’ll stop drinking if you want me to.”
She looks disappointed in this response. “I have to go check on her.”
I grab her hand before she can leave, then I pull her close to me and whisper in her ear. “I’m sorry.”
She turns to me looking utterly confused by my behavior and I feel awful.
“I have to piss. I’ll meet you in there.” I let her go and she sets off for the other room where Senia and Kevin went.
I head for the hallway and squeeze my way past a group of bodies in the corridor. Then I find the line for the restroom. I ignore the girls who smile at me as they pass. When I come out of the restroom twenty-five minutes later, I’m in no mood to see Joanie Tipton waiting for me.
She stands with her arms crossed over chest and her head tilted, as if she’s disappointed that I haven’t attempted to say hi to her sooner. Her chubby cheeks don’t match her rail-thin body and her pinched eyes just creep me the fuck out.
“Hey, Joanie,” I say, nodding as I attempt to get past her.
She steps to the side to block me. “That’s it? I haven’t seen you in almost a year! How have you been?”
I get a strange urge to tell her I’m not doing well, but I know that’s the alcohol. “I’m fine. I gotta go. Claire’s waiting for me.”
I try to step to the other side, but she mirrors me. “You and Claire are still together? Wow … I didn’t expect that to last.”
“What?”
“Oh, I just mean that you probably have girls coming at you from all sides. It must be so hard to stay faithful.”
I glare at her for a moment before I realize she’s right. “Claire and I are fine.”
“Chris?”
I whip my head to the left at the sound of Claire’s voice. Claire looks pissed as hell. She doesn’t know I had to wait in a long line for the restroom.
“Babe,” I call to her, pushing my way past Joanie. “There was a long ass line for the restroom.”
She looks at Joanie then back at me. “You didn’t look like you were in a hurry.” I open my mouth to respond and she cuts me off. “Senia just pissed in Kevin’s lap. They broke up and now she’s crying on the fucking sofa. We have to leave, but I need you to help me carry her home. Now.”
We run into someone else who’s leaving at the same time and they agree to give us a ride back to Spencer Hall. Claire and I get Senia into her bed just after midnight. Then we sit on Claire’s bed in silence.
“What’s wrong with you tonight?” she whispers. “Is the band breaking up?”
I shake my head, then I grab her hand and hold it against my lips. “I don’t know.”
She coils her arms around my neck and we hold each other for a while. Then we slip beneath the covers to go to sleep. But even with all the alcohol in my body, rest doesn’t come easy. I have a feeling nothing is going to come easy after tonight.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Claire
Forever Blindsided
June 7, 2012
This is the third year Chris and I have spent the anniversary of my mother’s death stargazing, and the second year we’ve done it while camping in Poplar Point. Just like last year, Chris and I made the thirty-minute ride there on his bike.
So what’s changed since last year? Chris has a nicer bike now. A blue racing bike that screams sex. I’m no longer a virgin, which means we’ll be able to explore each other in addition to exploring the campsite. And, for the first time in about ten months, Chris and I can spend time together without the pressure of homework and music gigs hanging over our heads.
Chris hasn’t played a gig in over a month. He’s been recording a demo at a local studio up until last week. My freshman year at UNC ended just over a week ago, so I haven’t been able to go to the studio with him. Normally, this wouldn’t bother me. But I’ve been getting a weird vibe from Chris whenever he talks about this demo and his trips to the studio. I don’t think Chris would lie to me, but I don’t know what else to think.
All that matters today is that he’s here with me. We’re back in a familiar place, physically and mentally. And I have a strong feeling that, by the end of this trip, we’ll be back to the way we were emotionally.
We get to the campsite around seven p.m. and Chris quickly sets up our tent, then we skip stones on the lake for a bit while we talk. Chris has tried teaching me to skip stones plenty of times, but I can’t seem to get the angle or the right amount of spin on it. I think my record is three skips, while Chris’s record is probably a thousand. His rocks dance across the surface of the water as if his touch has embedded them with music.
“I’m going to visit Senia next week. She’s picking me up since she’s just a couple of miles away.”
He smiles as he tosses another stone that skips four times before it sinks into the water. “Why don’t you just drive there?”
“I can’t drive your mom’s car. I don’t have a license.”
“So get a license and drive your own car.”
I laugh as I toss another stone that immediately sinks below the surface. “Great idea! I’ll go get a driver’s license next week. Then I’ll hop in my imaginary car and go to Senia’s.”
He turns to me with a sly smile curling his lips. Something about the way the setting sun makes the flecks in his brown eyes turn bright gold takes my breath away.
“I wanted to save this surprise for when we get home, but I might as well tell you now. I got you a car.”
“You what?”
“I got you a car. Nothing fancy or new, but it will get you to and from home and school on the weekends next year.”<
br />
“Why do I need a car for that? I already have Chauffeur Chris.”
He chuckles, but it’s brief. His face gets very serious all the sudden and I get a pain in my stomach.
“Chris? Why do I need a car?”
He forces his face into a smile, then he grabs my waist and pulls me against him. “I considered getting myself a car so I could go back and forth from the dorm during the rain and snow without freezing my ass off. But then I thought I’d just buy the car for you and I’ll keep using my bike.”
He buries his face in my neck and I get lost in the sensation of his lips on my skin. I don’t question his response.
Chris builds a fire and we eat some roasted hot dogs for a late-night dinner. Then we unzip one of the sleeping bags and lie down in the middle of the campsite to watch the stars. Though Chris says all the right things and he holds me when I get a little emotional about my mom, something feels different. I can’t seem to get rid of this knot of pain in the pit of my stomach. This feeling that our opportunity to be Chris and Claire, the way we were before I went to UNC, has passed.
I watch in silence as he checks the inside of the tent for unwanted critters, then he lays down a sleeping bag and spreads out a blanket on top of it. We crawl inside and I lie back as he zips the flap closed. He lies next to me and grabs my hand in the blue darkness.
Before I met Chris, I felt as if I’d been glued to the earth. Heavy as lead and going nowhere no matter how hard I tried to move. Then I met him and I was convinced gravity didn’t exist. I felt lighter, as if I could float away like a helium balloon, content to be lost and free. Now the heaviness is returning. Reality is a gravitation pull, yanking us back down to earth when least expect it.
“Do you think the world will ever stop spinning, just so we can catch up?”
His words sound more like a desperate plea than a fleeting question.
I turn onto my side and drape my arm over his bare chest. “Maybe it’s not up to the world. Maybe it’s up to us to make it stop.”
He grabs my hand and brings it to his mouth, laying a kiss on the tips of my fingers. “Let’s give it a shot.”
He turns onto his side so he’s facing me, then he grabs my hip and gently pushes me onto my back. His hand reaches up, his fingers brushing lightly over my jaw, tracing a line over my top lip, down my chin and neck, between my breasts. I suck in a sharp breath as his hand whispers over my belly and lands on the button of my jean shorts.
My skin sizzles with goose bumps as he undoes my button and slides the zipper down, never taking his eyes off mine. I hastily push my shorts and panties down and his gaze is still locked on my face as his hand glides smoothly over my mound. His finger slides inside of me, collecting my wetness like a trophy and bringing it back to my clit as an offering.
He moves his finger in torturously slow circles around my clit as he leans in to whisper in my ear. “Has the Earth stopped spinning yet?”
I arch my back and close my eyes as the world fades to black. “Yes,” I reply, my voice shaky.
He kisses my neck and I don’t even mind that he’s sucking a bit harder than usual. I don’t care if he leaves his mark. It’s just him and me and the shimmering stars out here tonight. The black sky can swallow us whole and I’d be perfectly happy just to be lost and free with Chris in this moment.
He settles himself between my legs and I feel his velvety smooth erection pressing against my inner thigh. But he doesn’t slide into me. He wouldn’t be Chris if he didn’t take care of me first.
His chest slides over mine as he goes down, positioning himself between my legs. I gasp when his mouth is on me. The soft pads of his lips close around my clit as his warm tongue massages it. I fight the urge to squirm away. My body quivers with lust, my hips bucking until I my limbs are flooded with warm ecstasy and I let go.
He lays a soft kiss on my clit before he moves up to kiss me on the mouth. I’m dizzy with greed as I reach down and curl my fingers around his erection, guiding it inside me. Tightening my legs around his hips, he lets out a sexy groan as he plunges into me.
“You are my world,” he says, looking me in the eye. “As long as we’re together, the world spins for us and no one else. Remember that, okay?”
I nod as I grab his face and pull him toward me to crush my lips to his. His tongue tastes like me and I moan as he thrusts harder, stretching me to accommodate his girth. I tighten my arms around his neck and bury my face in the woodsy scent of his neck, silently wishing we could stay here, in our world, forever.
The next morning, we go for a quick swim in the lake. But, by the time we get back to the campsite, my backpack with all our clothes is gone. Luckily, Chris brought his wallet with us to the lake, but now we don’t have any clothes to change into for the ride home.
Chris knows how much I hate getting on the bike without jeans. If he takes a turn too fast, and I’m wearing shorts or a skirt, sometimes I’ll burn my leg on the muffler. Nothing serious, but enough for me to be leery of climbing on his bike in a red bikini.
He smiles as he nods over his shoulder and I climb on behind him. “I’ll go extra slow and I’ll be extra careful,” he assures me.
Something about his words, and the feeling of my half-naked breasts pressed against his wet skin….
I reach forward and slide my hand into the front of his shorts. He laughs, but he instantly hardens in my hand. I kiss his back as I close my fist around his erection and slide it back and forth. He’s still wet from the lake, making it a little hard for my hand to glide smoothly over his skin. So I move my hand to the head and massage the sensitive place just beneath the tip.
“Jesus Christ,” he breathes. “Get off the bike.”
I slide off and land with a crunch on the dirt floor. Immediately, he reaches over and I laugh as he lifts me up onto the seat so I’m facing him. He takes my face in his hands and kisses me hard while I reach between us and push the front of his shorts down to release his erection. Then he slides his hand between my legs, pushes my bikini to the side, and slides into me.
“Oh, God,” I cry.
He leans forward and grabs the handlebars of his bike and keeps his feet firmly planted on the ground as he drives into me. I wrap my legs around him and rock my hips in unison with his.
“How do you do this to me?” he growls against my skin as he kisses my neck. “You drive me insane.”
I lean my head back and he sucks on the hollow of my throat. I dig my nails into his damp skin as he dives farther into the depths of me. He slides his hand between us and his touch is urgent, a bit rough, as he massages me, but it feels just right. And I come shortly after him.
He holds me tightly in his arms so I don’t collapse over the side of the bike. Kissing my shoulders and neck as he softens and slowly slides out of me. He kisses the corner of my lips, then he begins kissing me again; tenderly this time.
I chuckle as I push his shoulders back. “I think once is enough. We should head home.”
He looks disappointed. “I ….” He lets out a long sigh. “Claire, I got offered a deal.”
For a moment, I’m confused, until I realize he’s referring to a record deal. Goosebumps sprout all over my body as I’m filled with euphoria.
“That’s so amazing! Oh, my God. I’m so happy for you!”
I throw my arms around his neck and squeeze him tight. But he doesn’t return my embrace with as much enthusiasm.
“Aren’t you excited?”
“Yeah. It’s great.”
I release him so I can see his face, but he doesn’t look at all excited. “Chris, what’s wrong?”
He looks me in the eye for a moment, then he drops his gaze and hangs his head. “They want me to go to L.A. for a few months to record the album.”
Though the mention of a few months apart sends a shock of pain through my insides, I still don’t understand why he looks so upset.
“It’s just a few months,” I say, lifting his chin so I can see his face. “It wil
l hurt, but we’ll get through it. Maybe I can even go with you. It’s the summer!”
He flashes me the weakest, most phony smile I’ve ever seen. And that’s when I know something is very wrong.
“It’s not just a few months. I’d be leaving on tour pretty soon after that … for eight months.”
My limbs get weak and my hands fall from his neck, landing between us. He grabs both my hands and we stay like this for a while, not speaking or looking at each other.
I don’t know what he’s thinking, but I’m thinking about Chris on tour, by himself, with thousands of girls screaming his name, throwing their bras onto the stage, offering themselves to him. While I’m bored out of my mind in a lecture hall or toiling away on a term paper in the dorm. And that’s when I know.
This is the end of us.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Claire
Forever Broken
July 14, 2012
Somewhere around eight-thirty, I gather the courage to wake Chris. We’ve been lying in his bed all night, his arms wrapped around my waist and his head resting on my chest. He dozed off around five a.m., but I’ve been up all night.
He lifts his head from my chest and squints at me through the hazy morning light. Reaching up, he brushes my hair away from my face then tucks it behind my ear.
“Good morning, babe.”
I close my eyes and try to burn the sound of him saying good morning into my memory. When I open my eyes, his eyes are closed. Then he lays his head on my chest again and lets out a soft sigh.
“I don’t want to get up.”
“You have to,” I whisper, running my fingers through his dark hair. “Your mom wants to say goodbye to you.”
My voice comes out strangled on the last few words, and Chris notices. He lifts his chin off my chest to look at me, shaking his head when he sees me trying to blink back the tears. He sits up suddenly and leaves the room. He’s been doing that a lot lately.
