by Dyan Chick
"We will. And when we do, we'll be that much closer to defeating the king."
"When you say it like that, I believe you," I said.
"Things are looking up for us, Etta." She passed me the wrapped-up orb. It now resembled a bundle of fabric.
I took it from her. "I'll go hide this in my tent. We'll meet up again before you leave, okay?"
The day was quickly slipping away. It wouldn't be long before I'd have to see my friends off again. After hiding the orb under a much too formal dress in the chest in my tent, I left my quarters for Ashton's. If we were going to be apart for a few weeks, I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could before he left.
"Ashton?" I peeked my head inside his tent. He was shoving something into a bag. My chest tightened. He was going to be gone in the morning. Last time we'd been apart for more than a few days, I had left camp to save his life. This time, we'd be on separate missions. He'd be the one going off into danger while I stayed at camp and traveled to Gallia.
I went into the tent, closing the flap behind me. "Sorry for the wait, Celeste had something she wanted me to watch for her."
He shoved something into the bag he was packing and looked up at me. "What was it?"
I considered telling him about it, but why ruin a good conversation for the road. "She can tell you all about it while you're traveling."
"Besides," I stood close to him and ran my hands from his wrists up to his muscular shoulders. "I don't really want to talk about Celeste."
One side of his mouth turned up in a smile. "What do you want to talk about?"
"I don't know if I really want to talk at all." I draped my arms over his shoulders.
He pulled me into him until my chest was pressed against his, then leaned down and kissed me. My whole body felt alive, his touch sent a shock through me as he moved his hands from my waist to my shoulders, then down to my hips.
Suddenly, he stopped and stepped away from me. He pushed his hair away from his face, letting out a long breath.
I started to move toward him, then hesitated. I studied his expression, expecting to see some sign of playfulness. Instead, his forehead was creased and he stared at the ground. He looked like something was upsetting him. Had I done something wrong? My body craved his touch. I wanted to feel the weight of him pressed against me. Instead, he was pulling away. "What's wrong? Why did you stop?"
He frowned. "I can't do this."
I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling both hurt and confused. "What do you mean?"
He shook his head. "I just can't."
We had talked about the importance of not taking things too far, but I didn't think we were in that territory yet. "We were just kissing."
He looked away from me. "You know you are supposed to be with somebody better than me."
"What are you talking about?" I reached for him, to pull him closer to me.
He stepped away. "Look, we've been fooling ourselves to think we could be together. You're a queen. I'm the orphan son of a soldier. They all look away because you're not queen yet. But you will be. And I know where this is going."
"Why would you say that? You know I love you. I would die for you." I had died for him. Why would he doubt me?
"You were stupid. You should have let me die. It would have made it easier." His face was empty, devoid of emotion.
My head spun as his words rang through me. Ashton was the most important person in my world. He was the one constant thing I'd come to rely on. After everything I'd been through, I knew I could at least count on him. How could he not know that? How could he be so willing to give up his life when he knew how much he meant to me? "How could you say that?"
I'd never seen him like this before. My whole body was shaking and I wasn't sure if it was from fear or anger. I took a few steps backward and struggled to catch my breath. My heart was being pulled from my chest and Ashton was holding the strings. "I don't understand."
"You think I want to be like Max's mother? " He shook his head. "It's a matter of time. Your family doesn't know what loyalty is. They don't know what love is. Your father left the woman he loved for power. Max left the woman he loved for power. One day, you'll do the same to me. You know that. I'm just making it easier on you."
It felt like an explosion went off inside me. "How dare you. After everything we've been through. After everything I've done for you. How dare you say that."
"It's always going to be about you, Etta. I'm giving you a gift. I'm letting you go free of the guilt." He lowered himself into a deep bow. "I will remain your humble servant, I will serve the Ravens."
He stood. "But when we have defeated the king, I'm going away and you'll never see me again."
"You can't be serious." I stared at him, waiting for him to tell me it was all a misunderstanding. "I know how you feel about me. Why would say this? Why are you trying to hurt me?"
"I don't want to hurt you, Etta. I've never wanted to hurt you. What we have, it's just a distraction for both of us. It isn't real love. We came together because of what we're going through. Once this is over, you'll find someone who deserves you. Someone you deserve. Someone who can love you the way I can't."
Heat surged through me and my heartbeat filled my ears. This can't be happening. It was like the monsters from my nightmares had come to life and I felt like my whole body was being torn apart in different directions. Darkness seeped into me, fueling the pain, turning it to anger. I struggled to catch my breath as I fought against the rising Darkness. "You can't expect me to believe that you never loved me. You are a liar." The words seemed to get caught in my throat as I spoke. "You love me. I love you. What more do we need?"
"It's over, Etta." Ashton turned his back to me.
The edges of my vision blurred as the Darkness pulled on me. Jaw clenched, I stared at the man I loved. You're better off without him. He was holding you back. Gasping, I turned away from him. No. The Darkness was not going to win. Balling my hands into fists, I fought against it. I needed to find control. Feeling Ashton's gaze on me, I turned back to him. "How could you do this to me?"
He looked down, face drained of color. He didn't look like he wanted to say these words. "I'm sorry, but it's over." He looked back up at me, green eyes meeting mine, unwavering.
I stumbled forward as I lost control over my body for a moment, then righted myself. Everything around me seemed to be crumbling. How could he look at me like that? You don't need him. Taking a deep breath, I glared at Ashton. This is his fault. He is the one who is hurting you right now. The Darkness was getting harder to fight off and worse, it was starting to feel right. Shaking my head, I gave one last glance at him before I left his tent for my own.
Alone in the dark, I collapsed onto my bed, pulling myself up into a ball. My whole body felt numb. Like whatever I had been through wasn't real. Like it was part of a nightmare. You're stronger than him. You're stronger than all of them. You don't need him You can make all the pain go away. The Darkness spoke like a warm caress, so enticing. For a moment, I breathed it in, letting it comfort me. No. I wasn't going to go down that path, even if it was easier. Even if it could make the pain go away. Struggling to clear my mind, I fought against the call of the Darkness. It wasn't going to win. As I regained control of myself, tears rolled down my cheek. The longer I sat there alone, the harder the tears fell, until I was curled up in a ball, shaking from the sobs. Somehow, I managed to cry myself to sleep.
15
Ashton
Celeste secured the saddle to her horse. "Where's Etta? I figured she'd be here until we left. It's not like her to skip goodbyes."
Ashton tightened his saddle and turned his face away from Celeste. Etta would probably never want to speak to him again. His eyes still stung from the tears he'd shed last night and he was already feeling like there was a hole inside him where something was missing. He knew he'd never love anyone the way he loved her. "She's not coming."
Celeste stopped what she was doing and walked over to Asht
on, hands on her hips. "What happened?"
"I don't really want to talk about it."
She tilted her head and stared at him. "You know, we've got a month together, I'll get it out of you now or later. Choice is yours."
"Fine," he sighed. "It just wasn't working out. We had to end it."
Celeste pushed him. "What are you talking about?" Her eyes narrowed. "What did you do?"
Ashton looked up at her. "I did what I had to do. You do know how dangerous this mission is, don't you? You know there's a very good chance we won't make it back."
He went back to the strap of his saddle. "I don't want her pining over me forever. I want her to be able to move on if something happens to me."
Celeste rested her hand on Ashton's, stopping his progress. "And what happens when we come back, alive and well? And she can't even look at you because you broke her heart. Then what?"
He swallowed and looked away, unsure of what he'd do. How would he handle seeing her again? She wasn't the type of girl you stopped loving. "By then, she'll have moved on, found somebody worthy of a queen."
Celeste shook her head. "I don't know why you're fighting it. You should go apologize. Don't make her think you stopped loving her."
"Leave it, Celeste. I did what I had to do." He glanced at her. "Besides, you're not in the position to judge me about my love life, not with what you've done. I saw you and Calder, looks like the two of you are getting to know each other very well."
Celeste closed her mouth and went back to her horse. "Fine. Have it your way."
In the quiet darkness of early morning, Ashton couldn't keep his mind from replaying the scenes of last night over and over in his head. His eyes stung with tears, but he fought them away. He hated himself for what he did to Etta. But if giving her up was the only way to protect her, that was the risk he was willing to take.
He wouldn't allow their relationship to cost her the crown, or her life. Ashton knew how powerful Max was and he had a feeling if they ran into him again, he wouldn't hold back this time. It had been too easy for Max to send Ashton's essence from his body. Was there something even worse he could do to threaten Etta? Ashton knew all too well that Etta would give up her own life if it meant saving his. But if she thought Ashton had given up on her, maybe it would keep her safe. Maybe she wouldn't risk her own life to save him.
"You two almost ready?" Master Flanders was standing in the doorway of the stables. He hadn't made any noise when he approached.
"Just about," Ashton said.
"Almost," Celeste called out.
"Where's Etta?" Master Flanders asked. "I figured she'd be here."
Ashton felt sick. He didn't want to talk about Etta, his heart was already shattered as it was.
"Ashton broke her heart last night," Celeste said.
Ashton glared at her, though he couldn't blame her after his stab about her complicated love life.
Master Flanders raised an eyebrow. "Being noble? Think you are sparing her of pain if something happens to you?"
"Something like that," Ashton mumbled.
Master Flanders shook his head. "I think you underestimate the girl's feelings for you."
Ashton's jaw tightened. A memory flashed through his mind of a kiss under the shed at the archery range. His stomach twisted, he felt nauseous. The feel of her lips against his was burned into his very being. No matter what he did, Etta was going to be part of him. But he was a nobody, the orphan son of a soldier. She could do better.
"Look," Ashton said. "You know this had to happen eventually. She can't marry me. Everybody knows that, they just looked the other way. Dragging it on was just going to make things worse." He mounted his horse. "It's better this way."
Master Flanders frowned. "You do love her, though, don't you?"
Ashton shook his head. "What does that matter? Love? It isn't a magic fix for anything. Love doesn't save you from the Reapers or protect you from the king."
Celeste mounted her horse and called down to Master Flanders. "Can you tell her goodbye for me?" She glanced at Ashton. "And tell her that Ashton thought he was doing the right thing but he's an idiot."
Ashton's stomach clenched. He needed to go before he changed his mind. He was doing the right thing. "We'll see you in a few weeks, Master Flanders." Ashton prepared to move his horse forward.
"Wait," Master Flanders called. "What should I tell her? If she needs to hear it, what should I tell her?"
A lump rose in Ashton's throat. He knew what Master Flanders was asking. If Etta started to slip toward the Darkness or something worse happened, what would Ashton tell her?
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver ring, he tossed it to Master Flanders. "Give her this." Then he pulled up on the reins and led the horse away.
Ashton and Celeste rode in silence along the road as the sun began its ascent. In the gray light of dawn, the roads were empty and their breath came in out clouds. Ashton drew his hood closer around his face, trying to keep the cold away.
Celeste moved her horse up alongside him. "Ashton?"
Ashton turned toward her.
"Did you really mean what you said back there? About not being good enough for Etta?" She pulled her eyebrows together. "You can't really be giving up on her."
"I had to, Celeste."
"No." She shook her head. "You didn't. She would never give up on you."
"What if Max or the king try to use us to get to her? It's the only way she won't risk her life for ours if that happens."
Celeste sighed. "Oh, Ashton, she'd come for you no matter what. You know that."
Part of Ashton hoped she was right. For a moment, he imagined that Etta would wait for him, then he pushed the idea away. He'd spent his whole life trying to get the king off the throne. And Etta deserved to be queen. She was the best chance for peace in Illaria. If this was the sacrifice he had to make, it was worth it. "I had to try, Celeste."
"You need to stop trying to protect her from everything. She's the queen. She's more powerful than both of us put together. Honestly, if we were captured, I'd want her coming after us. Have some faith in her."
Ashton turned back to the road. "You know, you're just making me feel worse."
Neither of them spoke until the sun broke the horizon. They lowered their hoods to try to block out the blinding rays.
"What's with the ring?" Celeste asked.
"It's just something I had made for her for her birthday." He didn't want to talk about it. It was taking every bit of his willpower to not turn the horse around, to not go back to Etta. He made a decision, and it was the best one. He had to keep telling himself that.
"Come on, let's pick up the pace, we want to get to the safe house soon." He squeezed his legs against his horse and they took off at a gallop down the road. The cold wind on his face helped him stop thinking. He focused on his breathing and the sound of the hoof beats over the dirt road. I did the right thing.
As the sun climbed, the road grew more crowded, forcing them to slow down. They'd covered a lot of ground in a short time and the horses were growing tired.
"We're about a mile away," Ashton said. "Let's slow it down, we made good time."
They were approaching a town and Celeste dropped behind Ashton so they took up less space on the crowded road.
The village was small, with a few shops and a tavern but it was only a half-day's ride to a much larger town so it saw its share of visitors during the day. Ashton and Celeste didn't even warrant a second glance as they rode through.
"There it is," Celeste called to Ashton as they neared the blacksmith's shop. They tied their horses to a post nearby and walked toward the shop. It was an open structure and they could feel the heat of the fires as they approached.
A muscular man in an apron stood over one of the fires. His skin glistened with sweat. He pulled a horseshoe out of the fire with clamps and dropped it on an anvil. He started to hammer at it, the sound echoed down the street.
Ashton and Celeste ap
proached with caution. After the destruction of the barn, they were weary to use any of their contacts, mostly for fear that it would end badly for them or their families. In the end, they decided they would only stop at a safe house if there were no children living there.
The smith stopped his pounding and turned the shoe over with his clamps. Then the pounding started again. It rang in Ashton's ears.
Ashton and Celeste stood a few feet away from him, watching him work. The man stopped mid-swing and turned his eyes on them. He set the hammer down and stood to his full height. He was a large man and Ashton could sense Celeste flinch as he turned toward them.
"Can I help you?" he asked, wiping his hands on his apron.
"We are in need of your unique services," Ashton said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small circular piece of leather. The circular snake eating its own tail, the ouroboros, was burned into it. He passed the leather circle to the man.
He took it and lifted it near his face to inspect the symbol. His jaw tightened and he glanced up, looking out into the busy street.
Passing the circle back to Ashton, he removed his apron and gestured toward an open door. "Come on in."
The two sorcerers followed the blacksmith inside a small room with a table and a few low stools. The blacksmith motioned to the stools, and they each took a seat.
"I wasn't expecting company," the blacksmith said. "I haven't heard any news in a long time, but I've heard rumors."
"What have you heard? We can tell you if it's true," Ashton said.
The blacksmith rested his arms on the table. "I heard that they found the princess. That true?"
Ashton's stomach tightened. Everything in his life would always take him back to Etta. "True. Any more?"
"I heard that she's in charge now, that Max isn't the king's son."
"Close," Ashton said. "He was illegitimate. Etta has taken over the claim for the throne."
"Never been a queen in charge before, who's she gonna marry?"
Ashton opened his mouth to speak, but didn't know how to respond. His heart was pounding as he considered the true weight of Etta married to some prince. Wasn't that what they needed her to do? It was why Ashton had given her up, but the words stung.
