The last statement hurts me. It should not, but it hurts. I can not allow it to be more than desire among us. I had already handed him my soul. My heart is not in agreement.
- Maybe she does not want you, Nathan - I have it now inside me, ruthless. There is a lustful aggression in every rush that makes me delirious.
sexual desire is the only feeling that I allow myself to feel for now. And he knows how to exploit it very well. There is a fierceness in her dark look that excites me.
- She will be mine! I want, and that's not an option for her.
No, it's not.
The devil does not ask, he takes. Until there is nothing left but an empty and lifeless desert.
Chapter 28
Penelope
I do not remember exactly how I got home. If I came by taxi, he had dragged me to the train station, or if some kind soul had noticed my altered state and led me away.
I just can not remember ... think ... and think about all I heard.
I rub my chest, in the vain hope that pain, more and more intense, go away.
I shrink even more. Again, I think the conversation that I had seen Neil without notice.
I can only think of the voice. The voice that I loved so much, that at that moment I would do anything to be someone else.
Curved my body, hoping the memories go away.
I try not to think. Those words. Adam's words, they destroyed me.
"Never thought of changing your mind?"
"No. I do not feel that I can, I do not. "
"But I thought you and Penelope, you seemed so ..."
These words are daggers that for hours, comes pounding in my head, beating ... beating. Every word digging into my head, ripping a part of my heart. As if it were the finest paper. Thousands and thousands of pieces of a heart falling apart in my hands.
"I just want to be friends at this time is necessary. too hurt us both. I was stupid to insist until the last moment. "
"It is a pity that did not work out between you, Adam. They looked so happy together. But life always gives a second chance. You can still have children with another woman one day, maybe. "
"Children ... I do not want children. I never wanted it to anyone. Cecilia or Penelope ... I can not explain, it is selfish with Penelope ... but I do not. Better let her go, move on. May have thought that really loved her ... but we would be stuck with a failed relationship and without love ... we would be unhappy, Neil. I do not know how to explain, but one of our children ... not. "
"Adam, let time solve, it is the best medicine ..."
"I will not change my mind, Neil. "
"Okay, let's change the subject. About the company party, will come this year? "
"Of course I will ..."
"Adam! I do not want a climate between you and my secretary. "
"Maybe I can to Savannah with me ... after what happened at the party ... I like it. "
"Saw? I said, life always gives us a second chance. Savannah will have no illusions about it. She already has a son, right? "
I could not hear the rest, I could not. I ran. I ran as hard as I could. Ignoring all around me, all the people who could suppose that I was crazy. I was mad; mad with pain, disappointment and hundreds of feelings that I am still unable to describe.
I felt as if the walls and everything around me suffocated me. I still have that feeling now. I'm choking, drowning in tears and despair.
He does not want our baby. He does not want me.
Never wanted.
Just friends, was what he said. Just friends.
While my mind forces me to listen and give voice to reality, my heart desperately struggle against. Reality hurts. It hurts like a sharp blade.
May have thought that really loved her ... would be unhappy ... our child ... no.
Our child, no! He does not want! My baby.
- Penelope! - Someone yells, my arms fighting against your hand. I do not want you to touch me. - You're scaring me.
- He does not want!
Sob, moan, cry. Screams that only now realize have them delivered for so long, and they are mixed to Julienne, echoing off the walls, turning to me. aching laments that flow from the bottom of my soul.
I'm on the floor. In all senses.
Wishing desperately that the only cold thing to me was the hard ground under my trembling legs. But not; my heart is being engulfed by this immense and cold black hole. Are dense layers of pain involving every part of my body.
- Need to breathe, dear - Julienne holds my face, but I can not see it - Breathe!
I can not.
Breathing hurts, it hurts to think, remember hurts, love hurts.
And I just can not feel the pain pulling all the love in my heart, tearing my heart with an iron fist.
The pain ... she whips mercilessly in me without ceasing, without respite.
All right, it'll be fine, it breathes, it'll be fine. I'm here, Penny.
I hear his voice in the distance. I'm in your lap. It shakes me, she hugs me. I seek the warmth. I feel nothing, no flame to warm my heart freezing.
Forward, backward. Hands slip into my hair.
Anything. Only sadness and pain. Just as my body being packed, the pain comes and goes.
Stronger, more painful.
It's gonna be okay.
Will not. Nothing else will be all right.
It'll be fine, repeats and repeats.
You'll never be alright.
****
I slept for hours after disintegrate me in the arms of Julienne. But I could sleep for weeks. a life to recover would be necessary, I think that not so it would be enough. For it is when I close my eyes I have peace. No good or bad dreams. It was just hours and hours of empty and full silence.
I would like to stay in bed, but Julienne did not leave.
- Think of your baby. You have to feed, bathe, someone has to worry about this child.
His reprimand, despite having hurt me, made me stand upright. My baby. My son. He has only me now.
- I do not believe that he may have said it - Julienne cries, nonconformist - Are you sure it was him on the phone? You may not have heard right.
I told him what had made me insane. Bitterly, the words came out as gall in my mouth.
- It was his voice, was on speakerphone, but ... - I swallow the lump forming in my throat, I force the node to return - Also, Neil said his name all the time. I recognized the voice, know anywhere. I think I will never be able to forget. There was so much emotion. That's what hurt me most, Julienne. There was truth and intensity in his voice. He does not want us. Not like we need.
- I can not say I'm not surprised. But see my father. A liar too. What you plan to do now?
- I do not know yet - stifle a groan - I just want this pain pass. I just want her to go away.
I can not cry, although this is my only desire in life. I need to find forces in some part of me. There is a life that needs me to be strong.
For him, I put my feet on the ground. I pushed my body to the bathroom, dragged his feet to the kitchen and ate the soup Julienne left ready. For him I sat beside her, pretending he saw TV. For him I went back to work the day after. I smiled when needed. I spoke when I should.
Adam had called twice. I did not meet.
Dinner tomorrow? ... Friends come out sometimes. : D
Sorry, I'll have dinner with Evan, I sent back.
Evan?
Yes. Friends come out sometimes. : D
Good dinner, then.
Needless to say I was not dining with Evan. I could, but I was not. "Do not do to others what you do not want for yourself." It is not right I give false hopes to him. But I do not feel bad about using it as a crutch. Since he did not know, all right.
I was not ready for what Adam had to say. The definitive end to this relationship. I know what would happen, I'd tear me under his feet. Tell about the baby at the worst time. It would be a heated fight. I could not stand it. I'm still broken inside.
On
e day at a time. This has been my mantra, one day at a time.
And so I accepted the request of my mother, so I went home this Christmas. I did not know that excuses give to decline the invitation Jenny to spend Christmas with them. I'd hate having to lie to her, pretending to have a Merry Christmas, when spend the day at home, eating popcorn and watching TV. So I clung to the call from my mother.
Now, I find myself here, trying to pluck up the courage to ring the bell. So many months away. So many months without any contact and without a word of affection, and, despite all our differences, I like to have my parents with me.
Gathering my courage, I ring the bell and wait nervously. I take me long to make up my mind, and at the last minute, I decided to give a new opportunity to my parents. I carry only a backpack with a few pieces of clothes and my purse. Still I do not know how our reunion is therefore preferred to be prepared from suddenly, if any.
- Hi darling! - My mother opens the door, smiling, and then pulls me in - in, it's too cold out there. Why do not you use your key to get in?
- Well ... - titubei, confused with its warm receptivity. Maybe it was not so bad, maybe something good would happen in my life, you know, to balance things - This is no longer my home.
I do not even remembered to pick up the key I had thrown in a box with my memories. No longer saw my parents as my home.
- You will always be your home - Mom mutters, picking up my backpack before climbing the stairs, toward what had been my room for years - is our daughter.
The daughter that you ignored and virtually drove out of their lives? That's what was on the tip of my tongue to say. However, I decided to forget. If you are willing to start over, I will make an effort too, my son. After all, are his grandparents.
- Where is Daddy? - I ask as we enter into my little room.
She put my backpack on a chair and sit in my old bed. It seems really happy to see me, it makes me think that I had made the right decision to come home this Christmas.
- It is in the church, preparing the sermon tomorrow - she sighs and looks at his hands - That night decided that the meal should be celebrated with families. So we will only be the three. I hope you're not disappointed.
- It's perfect for me. I prefer that.
Surely, everyone would be curious about my return. The two ladies I met on the way were proof enough of how disastrous my night would be. They had asked about my life in New York. If the charming man who made me this beautiful statement had placed the ring on my finger.
Curiosity, lack of some spicy subject to gossip, whatever the reason, brought memories I fight bravely to bury.
- Well, you must be tired. Keep your things, take a bath if you want, look tired. I'll be in the kitchen, I have to keep an eye on the oven.
Caught a comfortable shirt, the first piece of lingerie that I see, and go to the bathroom. I decided that I will not take the backpack clothes. Since the same jeans that I got, considering my options are reduced.
I am meeting my mother half an hour later. He is finishing preparing the mashed potatoes. We offer help, and together prepare the pod salad, cranberry sauce and gravy. The turkey is ready and gracing the table in the room. For dessert we coockies ginger, ginger cookies on Christmas tree format, and the famous pumpkin pie, my grandmother's old recipe.
Even the various food aromas causing slight discomfort in my stomach, my lips are eager to prove it. The Supper is simple but does wonders to my eyes. I have lived crackers, soups and light meals, and have real food excites me deeply.
We are laughing at a prank that did in childhood, when I hear the front door slam. Immediately my smile goes away. My mother seems so tense as I do.
- Stephanie, I have arrived.
I can imagine what unfolds in the room, so it goes. First Dad will take off your shoes and put on the slipper, which had been in a corner near the door. Put the scarf and coat on the hook and the Bible rest on the counter near the stairs. It took no more than forty seconds. Fifteen seconds to come to the kitchen, five to notice my presence.
I hold my breath and cloves my nails into his palms. A few interminable seconds to someone say something.
Voltage.
- So you came?
Simple, dry and direct. Not that I expected a slow race and an affectionate hug as TV commercials. But this cold reception, somehow, it hurt.
- I was invited - look at my mother - I think.
The unspoken question, if I had been invited or was it just an attempt to my mother a rapprochement, circulated through my head for a brief moment. This explains the surprise reaction of my father to see me?
- Okay ... - Dad cleared his throat, drawing my attention back to him - I'll get ready for supper, then.
Sure, it was not exactly the answer I expected, but he had not kicked me screaming, as I contemplated the way here. If that's the way it turn the page, I will do my best not to cause further discomfort for any of the three of us.
Four fix me. We will be four tonight. That goes that soon would have to give the great news, that in a few months they would be grandparents. The truth is that I feel apprehensive that another person I love to turn their backs to me and the baby. But today is Christmas, maybe a miracle can happen.
****
Two hours later, we are at the table. My father concentrated on his prayer of thanks, my mother watching, letting out a whisper and others. I'm being swallowed up by memories of a Christmas quite different from what we are sharing today. No music lulling the house, no voices of children running around us, there is not even the sound of the TV. Only the ticking of the clock, my father's voice speaking his last considerations and my sighs.
I can not help comparing the festive and lively atmosphere in Adam's house with this apathetic family reunion.
What would they be doing now? Watching TV as last year? And Adam, would be dancing with someone? Savannah? Or he would have taken someone else to celebrate with them?
I should not be torturing myself with thoughts like that, but it's almost like a powerful force too much holding me, drag me to sweet memories and at the same time so painful.
I take my parents are still closed and dry eyes my face in a hurry. I take a deep breath and force the stubborn tears back where they came from.
- Amen - my parents say together and I imitate them soon after.
The meal was not much different. Keep your mouth full was the best option. Usually we spent Christmas in church. Maybe that's why I never noticed how sad it was that date for us. Without any kind of warmth.
- So, dear? - My mother starts the conversation, so serve me a piece of pie - And your boyfriend? I did not want to bring it with you?
Groom? Ergo the look of the plate and stare at her with surprise. It is possible that my parents did not know what Maxwell kitted out with the family.
- Stephanie - my father's look is rude and impatient - We have already discussed this.
- People ask me questions - her back to face me - after all, the man made the statement to the whole city, and Harriet said ...
Harriet, his ex-wife wily and nosy Max? This poison could only have come from her. And since when my mother has had contact with Harriet?
- You are talking about Adam, I suppose? -interrompo it unable to believe what she is saying.
- I did not like it, not the way you treated us ...
It serves a piece of pie and delivery Dad very naturally. I am confused and lost. How is that Adam had become the main subject of this evening?
- But it showed that really likes you. I realized, as there is no alternative. And I already know he's from a good family and respect, a good lawyer, well-placed in life ...
- You mean rich, Mom? - Retort, bitter - In a family full of money.
- I also know that he's a great lawyer and life ...
- Is that why you invited me?
I grab the edge of the table. Even when sitting, the feeling I have is that I'm falling. My mother never hid the big reason to want to see me married
to the son of Wade, was his ticket to high society. Now she had transferred his ambitions for Crighton?
I want to laugh. Yes, Adam's family has a lot of money and prestige, but they are far from being the snobby people, and put the beast that my mother certainly think. Unlike Wade, and even we, the Crighton are a united and happy family.
I feel sorry for my son, for so dysfunctional family that will inherit from me. And angry at me for being so stupid and naive, especially in relation to my mother.
- I should have known - loose a wry laugh - My mother interested in me? Unfortunately miracles do not happen, is not it? I regret to say that his dream to see me happily married is very far from complete. Adam and I have nothing, if ever we had something. But I'm pregnant. I came only to say that. I'm sorry cause so much disappointment.
a bomb on their heads was as if I had played. I see her face disfigured. Disbelief, surprise and something far beyond disappointment. I can not face my father. But the way the chair falls back, causing a deafening noise in the silent room, I know it's not with enthusiasm and joy that he had digested what I just said.
Without saying a word, I see my father get up and leave, leaving just me and my mother, and a great silence and tension hovering over us.
- Pregnant?
I nod, wiping my face. The tears keep coming down, uncontrollable, marking my skin in a mixture of pain, shame and resentment.
- I thought you could not embarrass us even more. I was wrong. After all that we teach you about what is right and wrong ... Your father was right, that the city turned into a ...
The spoken word did not hurt as much as the intention behind it. I'm not the person she thinks I am. My only, and maybe big mistake was to love others.
- I suppose that young man is not the father? That's why he left you?
Anger, disappointment, disappointment, take the place of sadness in my chest.
Two of Hearts Page 23
