- It is, is not it.
- You can not tell this to his father, it would be too much for him - the look full of accusations nowhere near the pain that your judgment about me causes me - We can still find a way in this situation.
- I will not abort!
Why all the people who take knowledge of my pregnancy believe that getting rid of my son, as if it were one thing, it would be the solution to my problems?
He may have come at the wrong time, rashly, and even turning my world upside down. But it is the only portion of happiness in my life. For him, I have kept me alive.
- I did not say to do that - it seems, in a way, outraged - but there is a couple in the church who can not have children and want very much to adopt a child.
- Are you suggesting I give my child?
The feeling I have is the same as when I woke up in the hospital when I was run over: shock, confusion; It is as if he had shocked me against a concrete wall.
- What will that city with a baby? And without a father? Because I doubt that the father of this child is interested. And you does not seem able to take care of yourself. look at me not so, you know it's the best. Children need a family, a home ...
- That does not depend on having a father and a mother. I never had a real home. My son may have to me only, but he will always know that I love. I never hurt you that way.
I collapse, literally. I can hardly see it. Not by my eyes, not through my heart.
I lift and run to my room, game every few objects that were left on the bed back to the bag. Listen to the voice of my mother, then the impatient my father's voice. Tapo ears and let my disappointment wet my face.
- Where are you going? - Is the voice of my father calling me.
I ignore it and go down the stairs. Or I have more energy to face what he has to say.
- For a hotel - mumble before opening the door. The blade cut into my heart the last bond between us - I think this is the last time we see ourselves. I'm sorry. I love you very still, Daddy, but I can not live like this anymore.
There is a limit of suffering that a person is able to absorb. I had had many more than anyone bear a lifetime.
Chapter 29
Adam
A bottle of Jack, two ice cubes, and uncontrollable rage tearing down my throat, burning much stronger than the aged malt.
I'll have dinner with Evan.
Friends come out sometimes.
pathetically eye to the mobile screen, giving the message for the hundredth time, reading and rereading. Oscillating between staying at home, allowing the old Jack made me company, or let the anger and jealousy lead me to her.
Jack won.
My amounts of stupidity reached the maximum limit. If Penelope prefers to spend the night next to Parker, it was her choice. I can not condemn her for it. I led her in that direction. Almost threw it in Evan's arms.
I know she had it all wrong about what he heard at the party, about my past. The disappointment was visible in his eyes when I asked her to seek Liam. The initial idea was that he took the weeping woman in my arms. I wanted to explain everything if she had given me the chance. What she heard was very different from the distorted reality that Charles, driven by jealousy and wounded pride, was dumped on us.
I was angry when I sought the party and found it was gone. Frustrated, to tell the truth. I still feel so totally helpless. I never know what to do, what to say, which give step towards her. All my attempts always fail.
I tried to protect. I tried to be honest, after everything I had done. I tried to be your friend. The latter really will not work, does not work. There are too many feelings, too much desire, too much love.
However, my conversation with Neil had me open my eyes. If I want it back, I need to fight for it. Parker would have the long awaited chance, as so many times I had and wasted. But if he failed, I would go with everything, like a tractor.
I have a New Year's party in the DET to my favor. Parker could have one or two advantages over me now, but I have memories. Dozens of them. We went through difficult times, but there is no double that works better than us.
I just need to find a way she sees it. The clock runs, and I have the feeling that my life is paralyzed.
****
Way for the party, music is nothing more than a strange buzzing in my ears. And people are just blurs around me. Either a person greets me. I answer automatically and continue my search.
I see Neil and Jenny on your desk. She beckons me, I respond to the invitation to join me to them with a sign that would make it later.
Not much it takes me to find her. Penelope is standing next to a table, laughing at something a work friend tells her. I know, this moment, this is what I missed during the days we were away. The brightness of your smile. As she looks even more beautiful than it is.
As if noticing my presence, your eyes meet mine. The smile dissolves, dies with him the joy that before had been on his face. Brightness is replaced by a look full of anguish.
My trembling lips, my hands, my legs; my whole being trembles before her.
- We can talk?
A small woman, but she has so much power over me. A power that she even imagine having.
- We have nothing to say.
- That's what you think!
Grab her by the arm and I lead her to a far corner of the music and prying eyes.
- I heard his conversation with Neil on the phone - she fights to escape from my hands, but keep it firm - was enough!
- Did you hear anything I said? Every word?
I'm crying, not because of the music, not because I am angry as it should, but because it is a desperate plea for her to hear the voice of the heart. If not hers, mine.
- And you do not care about anything?
- Why should I care? I do not want anymore....
His eyes flee from mine. I see burden of suffering in his eyes.
- I do not want this, Adam. That give me so little. That take too much. I'm tired of letting people hurt me like you do!
- And what do you think you're doing to me? I did not choose it. I did not choose to love you, but ...
I rub my face, trying to keep calm. I had not chosen to fall in love with her. It was simply inevitable.
- What told Neil that day, about me? About children? Was it true? Still think the same way? Nothing changed?
- Yes, I was honest in every word I told him.
More than honest, I desnudei my soul. How can she be immune to it? All that we live can not be gone. Do you know me so little? It is evident in my eyes the depth of my feelings for her?
- Things were very clear now. Please leave me alone.
My confusion and puzzle to are as evident as the image of pain on his face. I wish I could have the power to discover what's on your mind and heart. I know I've done many things wrong, but I can redeem myself if she leaves.
- I know I should have been honest before. Sorry I...
Secure her shoulder, but she dodges, as if my hands had the power to burn her or hurt her in any way. I walk away, hurt.
- If you ever loved me, even just a little ...
- I loved - my lack is already on the surface - I still ...
- So leave us alone. We reached a point where only hurt each other. And we both are not the only people that matter.
There are tears on his face, many of them. There is a thick layer of my own eyes.
We are not the only people that matter.
Then Evan had even gotten his chance with her. I had lost, as deep down I knew that would happen. For the best in me I am away who I love. It's a vicious cycle that never ends, no matter how I try to change.
- I said I would never take away their right to choose. I think it's over, after all.
I had lost the battle. A battle that only I had believed that I could win. I walk away. She embraces, protecting themselves from pain, while a huge hole will be opening in my chest. My wrong choices take me the best that happened in my life. Theirs destroyed us.
&nbs
p; When I first saw that same place, in a similar night with this, knew in that minute that this woman would be my ruin. I had no idea at the time how much I would be right.
There was no farewell or a tight hug, a friendly smile or good wishes. Only each going their way. Further and further away.
We had reached the end, where we started.
End.
Three letters, one syllable, a simple word, but it had a huge significance. The end is when something ends. But I feel that, for me, that was the beginning of something very painful and endless.
Fires given me so reach the street. Thousands of fireworks shining in the sky. very different sparks explode on me. Unlike the lights in the sky, which multiply, my go out one by one.
****
I tossed the suitcase on the bed with fury. Without paying much attention to what I was just pouring my clothes in it. I did not see if it was hot or cold clothing. Social or sports. I just needed to do something. Pack looked good. I had no idea where to go. Just I knew I needed to go.
I played the last piece of clothing in the suitcase. I also had not calculated the amount I had put inside it. I was just putting, and as is my life, it seemed a messy tangle and meaningless. I sat on it. I could use a second bag, but I wanted that. I wanted that damn suitcase which did not fit any more. It's like this bag faithfully represent my life. No more will go into it.
Cursed ten times before having to surrender and take some parts. A shirt of a rock band that she liked, and that was clearly better at it than me. Still smell it.
I need the damn shirt. Like I need pants that I wore on the day we travel to Edgartown and I declared myself to her. Another shirt that reminds me of her eyes. The perfume had gone to use often, because it was his favorite too, need to go to the suitcase. A pile of indispensable things and do not fit into such a tiny space.
As the weight on my chest. Too big, too strong, too heavy for me to carry.
Sobbed, I tried to restrain the tears. I was not able. Men should not cry.
I'm not a real man. Men do not cry, because real men do not fail like I failed.
I'm just a nothing. Nothing, that's what my life has become.
Nothing, sad and empty. I had forgotten what it was like to be there.
Now it hurts a lot more than before. Before I did not know the beauty of life.
That's how I left the room. And on the bed, dozens of essential things and I could not bear with me. And so many other pressing my chest.
Some baggage you carry with you, no matter where it goes.
Chapter 30
Penelope
Another day, another day ...
I returned home my parents think I was stronger. Broken, but stronger. I managed to pick up all the shattered pieces and turn them back. Just as there were still open scars, throbbing in my chest, I saw a small flame of blazing courage within me, saying that I was strong enough to continue.
Be strong. It is so hard to be strong when everything is against you. When there is only struggle and countless battles. And I feel that ever I win any of them. Today I had lost another. Perhaps the greatest of all my life. But even if this battle sounds completely lost me, even though I feel the ground, overcome, there is still hope.
All the tears shed today will be transformed into love. Because I am still capable of love.
- Penelope?
The voice of Jenny, then the knock on the door, ask for my attention. I realize where I am and the time I was here, smothering my pain and sorrow. In the bathroom, in the company of the party alone.
- Penelope? I know you're there, if not open, I'll ask Neil between here and break into this port.
I know she would be capable of it. I do not want a scandal, do not want to draw more attention to me, and do not want to see Adam now. I still try to digest everything he said. I am using all my strength, and there are not many, to continue standing.
I take a deep breath a few times and open the door. Meeting the gentle look of Jenny. In fact, a look compassionate. I do not want pity on her and not to anyone.
We should be exchanging confidences about pregnancy. Talk about how much it is special, and how the waiting finally have our precious miracle in the arms makes us happy.
But is not that, not today, not in the coming months. Jenny has at his side the man she loves. You want and dream of your baby as much or more than her. And by the way Neil is with Anne, there is no doubt that it will be an amazing father to this baby.
I also understand that should not sound so jealous, but it is impossible to look at her and not make the comparison. Even more difficult is it does not hurt me.
- Are you alright?
- I'll be - I try to stifle the emotions in my voice, but I have not had much success - Do not worry.
Following toward the door, determined to return to the party, but it keeps me holding my arm.
- Did you tell Adam? He told about the baby?
- I do not know what you're talking - nod, preventing new tears falling from my eyes.
Of course I had not been able to fool her with the insignificant history of shampoo. I just wanted to have a little more peace and quiet, at least until you know exactly what to do with my life.
- You can lie all you want .... Unless you want to take this baby is not something you can hide for long.
Why do people seem to know me so little?
This son is what keeps me alive. Interlace the single thread of hope to return one day to smile.
- I would never do that! - At the time I made such a denial, I knew I had denounced me. Although not adiantasse trying to deny the obvious
- Jenny, do not tell him.
She sighs and looks at me reproachfully.
- I will not do that. It is something that concerns only the two of you. But Adam has a right to know, Penelope.
I know she's right, but could not bear, as I can not let my baby grow up with his father's own indifference. I walked by this lonely road for many years. Only those who have felt the weight of contempt and indifference know how much it hurts.
- I'll tell.
My voice sounds shaky, even for me. I'll tell you, I say to myself. When I'm ready.
- I hope so. A father has the right to know about your child, think about it.
- I know.
At the risk of having my heart crushed again, this is a right that can not steal it.
- Let's go back to the party?
- I'm a little tired - give a smile apologetically - If you do not mind, I'm going home.
- I'll ask the driver to take.
- No need. I go by taxi.
While I think of something plausible to decline the offer, Julienne comes and drags me toward the exit. Even grateful for the interruption, I can not help but be apprehensive of that I have made out bolted that way.
- You should not end your turn?
Got that work for her because she had lost the previous one, when he was to meet me, right out of my parents' house. There was no one who could find or that I wanted next to me at the time. I really needed someone to give me a sense of safe haven.
- You will not pay me anyway. Not after what I did. I never imagined that he was here today. But I should imagine - she hides her face in her hands as we enter the cab and begins the monologue she only understands - He was the bachelor party, of course it was a great possibility. And look, he's so ... so, so ... Hah! I can not define. With it, just lose control. Have you ever felt like that? Oh, of course you have ever felt. I just do not want to have a broken heart, too.
This is a story I would like to know. When you are focused on their own problems, notice the other is not their priority. Julienne did not tell me about that day with Liam, and I was not interested me. Was he the same man who seems to take his calm? I fervently wish not.
Shit, I'm becoming a selfish bitch who thinks only of itself.
- You want to talk about it? - I ask, touching her shoulder gently.
- I do not want. Not today - she sighs
- I saw talking to Adam. By his look, I see that did not end well.
- Just finished - it's all I can say, with a faint smile, to hold your hands - but I'm fine. We'll be fine.
She did not pursue the matter, which made me grateful. He had his own dilemmas to solve. And I, for now, I prefer not to think of my.
****
According sweating cold and a sharp contraction in my womb. For a few seconds, I can not do nothing but keep me still in bed. With the hope that if they do not move me and asked with all the forces it was just a nightmare, I wake up this cruel dream.
But new contractions shake my body, forcing me to act.
No, please no. Please do not.
Alejo covered with some difficulty, to find a small spot on the sheet in my nightgown, now in my hands. With my legs as wobbly as the beating of my heart, I drag myself to the room next door for help.
- Julienne? -sacudo-strong. The same desperation in my voice flows freely in my bloodstream - Julienne, wake up.
- Penny? - She stares at me, confused, despair in my face and speaks disjointed to make wake-up time.
- Blood! - Show my trembling fingers, stained by scarlet liquid - I think I lost my baby. I lost my baby.
As she leads me, compulsive crying gives way to great sadness in my chest. I can see the little girl inside me, huddled in a corner, running away from the pain. I had left my only reason to smile again. My only memory of a lost love.
- We go to the hospital. Keep calm.
In the hours that followed, I followed all vagorosamente, automatically. Julienne helped me change clothes and get into the taxi that took us to the hospital. I answered the questions that were asked me when I got there. I felt the sting on the arm, the soft bed to lie down in it, I heard the soothing voice, then darkness.
I had that dream again. The balance, the child playing in the park. I still can not see the face. But the smile is so contagious. It soothes me, gives me hope. I fill my heart with love. As sweet as it came, and under a cloud of dense black smoke, the dream starts to go away, taking my little with him.
Two of Hearts Page 24
