- No!
The loving voice and gentle hand on my face give the final blow, pulling me back, more and more away from this nice dream.
- Penelope?
I open my eyes, strong light makes me blink a few times. Julienne recognize the place. Beside her, a woman with kind eyes and sweet smile - my doctor.
- Everything is under control - it reassures me - not lost her baby.
- But ...
The blood. I can still feel it burning in my hand. The tears, thick, heavy, sharp, roll my eyes freely.
Relief and happiness exchanging the surprise news brings me. I did not lose. My little spotlight remains on inside me, shining. Warming my heart and soul. My little miracle. My salvation.
- But it requires care, Penelope - continues the doctor when I go back to look at it - I believe walking in a constant state of tension.
I do not deny. She faces Julienne quickly, and I wonder what my cousin may have spoken to her. I would have said that Adam did not want the child, and my parents had not responded well to my pregnancy?
Brake pang in my chest so she threatens to arise.
- I'm going to lose my child?
- The first three months are the most delicate. abortion risks are greater. Also, your blood pressure goes a little high, and this is very early, usually these symptoms arise later on. We also find a change in your blood, we can not identify what it is. We were lucky this time, but if you have another bleeding like this ...
She does not finish the sentence, but something inside me shatters. Luck is a word that has not been long in my vocabulary, even in my life.
- What I have to do, Doctor? - Lose this baby, no doubt, would destroy me.
- I'll cut some foods because of hypertension and prescribe a new medication to control the pressure. And you will have to take leave from work.
- Leave my job? Already?
I had already decided to leave the DET in two or three months anyway. But I had the extra salary that would allow to pay maternity and start the baby layette, without needing to move the little savings that I had done last year.
- I'll be very objective with you, Penelope. You have to choose between his job and the child. You can not stay with them. If you have another risk of abortion, he will not resist - she squeezes my hand lightly, comforting me - Avoid stressful situations as this. If you have someone who can take care of you in the months following, it is ideal. His parents, perhaps.
My parents? They do not care about me.
- Rest as much as you can. Once we have some results of the blood test, I will communicate to you. I'll leave it under observation for another day, and you can go home after.
- I do not want anything bad to happen to my son - I whisper, his voice failed - I'll do whatever it takes.
I do not cry as I will. I know that all my emotions affect the baby. So I force myself to stay calm.
- Penelope? - The voice of Julienne makes me apprehensive divert window eyes, I've been lost in time - I did something that maybe will not like.
- What?
- I looked for Adam - she approaches the bed, wringing her hands - I know I should not have done it without consulting you, but I was upset.
- What did he say?
There is so much hope in my voice, as there is in my heart.
It's inevitable.
- Anything. Well, I left some messages on the answering machine. As I had no answer, I gave up. I'm sorry.
- All right, Julienne - I extend my hand to her - I'm not mad at you. We'll be fine.
- Excuse me.
And was I have to calm a disconsolate Julienne.
****
Unlike my parents, my aunt Lola, her new husband-and my cousins bullies, they were not shocked or disappointed me when I said about the baby and the risk I had run.
Then, after saying that we're both good, have asked for a leave of absence, I spend time with my aunt while she takes care of the preparations for their wedding in a few weeks.
- You go to the wedding, is not, Julienne?
She closes my bag, avoiding looking at me.
- I said I think.
- Julienne, is your father. Aunt Lola. People who love you. Remember?
I watch her chin trembling. I know, deep down, she suffers from this estrangement. She denies not, but I know what it feels is jealousy.
- I have to go to my job interview - desconversa to take the bag to the room - the time that Dallas said it would come?
I look at the message on my phone again.
- He said that in fifteen minutes he would be here. You must be coming.
- Fine, then I'm going. I do not want to find it.
My eyes spoke more than my lips might say. But Julienne is too stubborn to admit you feel, yes, missing father and brothers.
- See you soon - embrace it again - remember what I asked you?
- Here in my bag. I'll do it today.
- Thanks.
We always had a very strong bond, and now had intensified more.
- Take care of my little baby - it touches my womb, imperceptibly begins to give evidence.
While I hope Dallas get, I'm going to cook some tea.
I walk in the apartment, keeping every detail.
I was happy here. Tearful smile. Very happy indeed. Here I gave myself to the man I love. I found love. And we had moments that will always be the sweetest parts of my memory.
The whistle of the kettle brings me back at the same time the bell rings. first I like the kettle and then the door.
Secretly, I wished that standing on the other side was Adam, with his beautiful smile, asking me not to go.
- Hi darling.
And in front of me to open the door, meeting a smile equally devastating, but not his.
- Hi, Dallas.
The bear hug to get off the ground and get me the air, spinning me sometimes.
- Is ready?
He adjusts his cowboy hat takes great pride in use.
Before me, a perfect model of a beautiful and sensual Texas rancher, exuding a sensuality and masculinity impossible to ignore.
- Yes, I am.
He looks around. I know who he seeks. I feel regret.
- Julienne was on a job interview.
- Right.
As he picks up two suitcases as if weighed a feather, I take the opportunity to look again apartment before with him.
I hope Julienne be more successful this time than when he made his first attempt at the hospital, and delivered the letter I wrote to him.
I do not know if I turned away. He had just returned to the wedding of Jenny and Neil, but returned the same day to where you were.
When lock the door, the feeling I have is that the tea which kept intact the stove is not the only thing I'm leaving behind. Something much more important had been: part of my heart. I may never get back to.
But even if it seems wrong, and as said in the letter I sent, I'll be waiting.
We'll both be.
part II
Chapter 31
Penelope
The weeks passed quickly. I completed the first trimester of pregnancy without major scares. The sickness continued, powerful. I usually say that this is the baby's way to say "I'm here, Mom"; as my freakishly bigger and sore breasts were not a sufficient reminder. Or maybe he is much more like his father than I suppose.
I had left my job officially. Dallas took me back to New York, as it was forbidden to take flight. About Adam, I have not seen him, but I know that Julienne had delivered the letter I asked, did not go into details.
Mr. Durant, though disappointed, graciously accepted my resignation. Anyway, he will live in France with Jenny and little Anne, so I did not feel so indebted to him, as he had been in the days before the trip. He gave me a generous bonus by the time we worked together, which made me extremely in heaven. I can make the baby's layette weightless in consciousness, and when I say do the trousseau, is to buy all that my eyes can see and my son deserves. I h
ad started with some basic things and unisex; coveralls, booties, mitts, and a beautiful, handmade blanket, and all embroidered by hand. In a few weeks, I finally know the sex, though I'm sure all it's a boy.
The fact of not having to worry about where you will live, in a way, is something that comforts me. I insisted to contribute to the costs on the farm, but whenever I make some contribution, miraculously, dozens of things for the baby come in my bed.
I contemplated the possibility of living in some small house on the outskirts of the farm, but in no way Lola aunt and uncle Raul allow me to be alone. Also, I'm so spoiled by them every day, for my cousins, it is very difficult to imagine myself somewhere other than here. Especially after my new doctor, Dr. Ritter, had strengthened the instructions of my old obstetrician, on the care of my pregnancy. About blood test, nothing was found, but the risks remain the same.
Scratchs. I hate that word. Risk of not taking pregnancy to the end. Risk end up having to spend the next month in hospital. Risk of complications in childbirth. Risk is a word that I definitely want to scratch my dictionary. I prefer to think of happiness, hope, faith. Hope that the small grow secure and strong within me. Happiness to see as time runs, then I can have it in my arms. And faith that nothing bad will happen. Words are so much more beautiful. And I had learned that "happiness", although almost always be momentary, it is always with me. And there are countless ways to be happy.
Of course I suffer for Adam, I still cry for him, and sometimes in the middle of the night, I call for it as well. But then I remember all the reasons in the world I have to be happy. Then I suffocate this sharp pain, and that seems to suffocate me sometimes in a very deep side of my chest.
I tell myself that happiness and unhappiness are two bugs in my chest, and I just need to choose whom I want to feed more. At the moment, things are balanced through. Maybe I like a little more than cause me pain.
But today is a day of happiness, and I decided that I will not think of anything sad, at least to rest my body in my bed.
- A little to the side, Austin. That's right, on - loose final instructions to him, returning to my focus, which is the party decor.
I take two steps to the side and admire the braid of flowers adorning the top of the grand entrance of the barn. The boys had done a good job removing all the hay and cleaned the place. The delicate decoration had transformed the environment in a beautiful room to party. None of them considered the possibility of renting some more elegant hall in the city. They love doing this, as if every part of it was rooted in their hearts.
- You have a talent for it, little Penny - Clyde approaches and hugs my shoulder to lead me to one of the rustic chairs, around the makeshift room inside the barn. No matter how much I say that in a few months I'll be huge. I'm still the little Penny for him. Now I understand what Julienne said about excessive protection. I had gone to the figurine of doing, without any possibility of retort.
- But I think enough for today, you are tired - he sits me in one of the chairs as if I were a helpless child
- I like parties, and I'm not tired - I murmur laughing - Wedding are my favorite.
I do not know if I'm smiling because I really like parties, or river of its excessive concern for me.
I look around. Floral towel covering the tables, orange arrangements gracing the them, the petals covering the ground, everything looks very simple, but they give a romantic and welcoming atmosphere.
More than like parties, I appreciate the festivals that make those I love happy.
- Think Julienne come? - Clyde sits next to me 'You heard from her?
I stare at the brown-haired man and look as sweet as chocolate. Clyde is the true man of the field, as he likes to say, with its impressive 1,88m and 90kg evenly distributed mass and defined muscles. Hard work with livestock and hectares of land to care, gave him a tan as well as a California surfer, and defined body, he loves to show off shirtless when working on the farm, make any goer academy jealous. He's gorgeous, I must say, not that angelic beauty blind eyes, but hardly any woman could go through it without looking twice. But what draws the most attention is a small flaw in the square jaw, which makes it look like a naughty boy, whenever he smiles.
- We exchanged a few messages - do not want to give false hopes to it - Maybe she will, but Julienne know better than me.
- I miss her. It's not the same without her here. I can not lead Dallas as well as her - he smiles, showing my last thought - Dallas is very angry with her stubbornness. And when he gets angry ...
No one is better to replace my uncle as sheriff of the city than his eldest son, Dallas. He is marrento, firm hand and love what you do. As Clyde, beautiful to wet the panties, as said Aline. blue eyes, like his mother's, brown hair like his father. It is two higher fingers Clyde, and body as well defined as his brother. He has no fault on the chin, but has big hands. And it is the terror of the city, according to Clyde. One night, Uncle Raul said at the dinner table, a girl crazy for it had robbed a clothing store, just to spend a few hours with him. Dallas had assured that it was not like the story, but the way that his face was flushed told me that there was much more to this story than he wanted to reveal.
- I'll check if Lola Paula and need help there. Want something?
- Ice cold beer, but let me get caught - he says, pointing back to me - Go up on my back. I carry you.
- Are you crazy? They are just a few meters to the house.
- The doctor said nothing physical effort - he scratches his head under the hat.
- Walking is a human capacity, Clyde. It's not like I'm running a marathon.
For lack of a person to accompany me to the last medical visit, I had managed three. Clyde because supposedly had nothing better to do on the farm; Austin, because he had to order food for the animals, and Dallas, well, it claimed that since nothing was happening that demanded his presence, he had gone to say hi.
Three beautiful men and a pregnant. And if Ritter doctor not know as well, which he calls his boys, and I had not been quick enough to make it clear that Dallas, Austin and Clyde were my cousins, too concerned about my safety, probably the doctor I would be wondering to this day, which one would be the father of my baby. What would be comical if the situation were not, shall we say, somewhat embarrassing.
- Austin can do this, then - your look is impish. Nothing irritates both Austin to get away from their horses, and I had practically forced the poor to help me all morning and much later with preparations for the party - or Dallas can take you in the patrol car.
Definitely get a car was not in my plans when I woke up this morning.
- It's all right. You won. But who will claim the night of pain and regret it for not taking any pretty girl to dance is you.
I climb on his back, and he lovingly places his hat on my head. I'm still getting used to the climate of the place.
- It would be strange you get annoyed for not taking a girl to dance - he jokes, and groans to feel my little blow on his back while walking - but I count on it to get away from some young, say, matchmakers.
Rio wildly. I love the people of Texas, three of them specifically.
And Clyde not only used the supposed pain for carrying a pregnant in her lap, to escape the unmarried girls seeking marriage. He used me literally to scare each.
Jeans, suit and cowboy hat, three gorgeous men prevented any man also approached me for a dance. Something that, honestly, and without them knowing, I thanked.
It was a beautiful wedding, though. After more than thirty years, Lola and Uncle Raul have their happily ever after. Charlotte looked beautiful in her dress cream with some discreet lace, and Raul also seductive in his new silver suit, and, according to him, a legitimate Armani. Julienne had appeared at the last moment, despite wanting to stay away, but the celebration would not have been the same without it.
I ate too much; farms parties are watered too much food. I laughed as I never thought I would be able and danced with the three most beautiful of the party me
n, maybe all of Texas.
A surprising and strangely unbelievable way, my days here have been happy. Because as we believe that everything in life has lost its meaning, amazing people make us see that there are thousands of reasons to keep living. The best of all of them not even born, but already teaches me a lot. I have a family. And they complete this gap in my chest. Are they feeding my good pet, called happiness.
****
The best time of my life had come: to know the baby's sex.
- Then? - Dr. Ritter smiled when placing the system cold in my womb - Are you ready?
- We are!
Three male voices unite to my expectantly.
- Come on, Miss. Walker - the doctor will explain the images on the screen - Here we have a beautiful boy.
The contentment roars mix my words that I already knew. I always knew it was a boy.
Although my cousins are here with me, and not have left me in no time so far, there is only one person I wish you were by my side, holding my hand.
Everyone thinks that my tears are of happiness. I let them believe so.
Nobody needs to know that, in fact, I cry silently at night. I feel so miss him when I know I should not feel.
Adam does not care. If it's a boy or girl, it makes no difference to him.
- Do not need it, Penny - Clyde me in the middle of the hall.
Somehow, he had captured the sadness in my eyes.
- You have us. You do not need it for anything.
I had not said nothing to them about Adam. But they had made their own judgments. There were good or friendly.
- You're right.
Embrace me as he left the hospital. But contrary to what I told him, Adam's need rather more than he imagines, and more than I should admit.
****
Paula had just left with his daughter. I like having it around, even if they do not let me hold it as much as I would like. I decided to continue on the porch of the big house, looking at the land around, admiring the pastures along the farm while convert and smooth my bulging belly.
Two of Hearts Page 25
