Two of Hearts

by Alexa Jackson

  The memory makes my chest hurt. Rub the sore spot and pull away the uncomfortable feeling. Return and find the room empty. Since the first pieces of clothing against the closet. Pants faded jeans and a black shirt. I look in the mirror, combing his hair with his hands and even decide I need a cut.

  When I get to the top of the stairs, I stop in surprise.

  Recognize the clear, hair up in a loose bun, the slender neck and the voice, even whispered, it is melodious and sweet.

  I think back and change clothes. Put something less informal, something more elegant. I smile of my own stupidity. Not what seen that matters to her.

  - I was hungry, right? - Smile with the smile in his voice. I go down two flights of stairs - His father is just like you. Never let me finish anything. Always digging pans.

  With whom she speaks? I bow my head, looking for the phone.

  - It's so like him, Benjamin.

  Benjamin? Estaco a few feet from her. Benjamin on the phone or Benjamin is here? Obviously the phone. I see no one at his side.

  Jealousy caused by it takes my body this state petrified and path toward it.

  - Penelope! - I call in a possessive tone. I see it turn slowly.

  It is then that my world, and I feel as if someone had given me a powerful punch in the stomach.

  My heart tightens.

  He fails.

  Once, twice, and back to accelerate at an astounding speed.

  I look at the baby in her lap, sucking vigorously on the bare breast.

  I am transfixed, fascinated, scared and confused. I look at her, look at him. And again I focus my gaze in the crystal eyes. I have hundreds of questions, but all I can do is wonder.

  Admire baby feeding milk and love. Mother and son at a special time and so close, but somehow, I include myself as well.

  "You love him?"

  "I Love."

  "More than me?

  "Differently ... This is not who I love more. If you knew ...

  - God! - Sob shattered - my God!

  And that's looking for that angel, that understanding about me. I feel my knees buckle. For a moment, I lose all my strength and fall.

  - My? - Let the river of tears run its course in my face - It's my son?

  - Yes - her lips tremble and her eyes moist hand to the unsuccessful war - Is your child. Benjamin.

  My son Benjamin. The words pulsate in my head the same beat of my heart. My son, Benjamin.

  Crawl to them, anxious, hurt. I have no strength for something as simple as walking. Devastated and helpless by overwhelming force in my breast, I support my head in her lap and cry.

  Of sadness. A pain that is so strong it makes me convulse. I weep for all the lost time, for every day of absence. And crying because even in the midst of all these destructive feelings, I also happiness.

  I lift my eyes and find hers thrilled.

  Benjamin grumbles for attention. I look at the curious and so familiar eyes at me. Penelope tucks it into his lap so I can admire it better.

  I take your hand. So tiny and delicate fingers grasping mine, with admirable firmness for someone so small.

  Unable to resist, caress the plump cheek with my thumb. He babbles happily and smiled. I repeat; again I get the same joyful reaction.

  And it is through that smile, saliva bubbling and excited babble, who suddenly got a glimpse of me. Who I am. My little miniature in his arms. Even more beautiful than a day dared to dream.

  Insurance delicate hand between mine, completely identical. I watch him from the long lashes to brown eyes, fixed on me. The facial features that blend lightly with traces of it, almost imperceptible, but are there also.

  - Hi, Benjamin - whisper in a voice charged with emotion an unfit to hold in my chest - I am your father. I'm your father, my son ....

  My son, part of me. The son I both waited. Both dreamed. I wished with all my strength. And wish so, he became real. The person now that is the most important of my life. That teaches me that it is possible to love more and more, such an intense way that it becomes impossible to explain. And as it was with his mother, I had fallen in love at first look.

  - Want to get it? - She asks, holding him to me.

  My hands are shaking when you touch it. I fear fighting with this great desire to have my son in my arms for the first time.

  - I can not - answer afraid - I'll drop it.

  And my arms are empty, like never been before.

  - No, you're not - I glimpse the smile that attracts my - I'll help you. Put your hand here and arm that way.

  As she instructs, I felt the kid and delicate body shaping up to mine. I was not present when he was born, but I'm sure that my emotions would be like this.

  Happiness exploding like fireworks in my chest.

  And when I look into your eyes, I know we made our connection. A bond that can never be broken. For long minutes, I keep here, silent, just admiring and memorizing every detail of it.

  - Because? - I ask, turning to look at her. The accusation hurt every word utter - Why my son away from me, Penelope? Why he took my life?

  Chapter 41

  Penelope

  He did not know anything. The hurt and wounded look I got was so true and intense that there is no room for doubt. Adam did not know of the existence of Benjamin. His emotional reaction to seeing his son for the first time is tangible. I came armed, filled with accusations and grievances, but the table was rotated. It was he who turned his back on us without looking back; I had prevented that he had the most precious moments of our son. This reality hurts much more than Adam himself had turned his back on.

  - I do not understand - I sit on the floor beside her.

  I hug my legs. Suddenly I feel alone, like never felt during all those months away from him.

  - Did you know she was pregnant when she left?

  - Yes - look straight into your eyes - but you do not want to know anything about us, neither before nor after.

  His expression is more disbelieving and horrified than when he saw Ben on my lap for a few minutes.

  - This is not true!

  Benjamin grumbles and it is doubtful if the give me or not. Just accommodating him in the chest. I have the remote suspicion that if there was the need to have to feed it and take care of their physiological needs, Adam never return the boy. As a child who refuses to lend the toy.

  - I loved you - the voice breaks and my heart tightens to the point of pain - I still love. I love so much as to be something scary. All that most wanted in life is here now. Then why? Why I lost the most precious moments of it?

  - Because I heard his conversation with Neil - dry the tears streaming down my face - I heard when he said it was all a mistake. I did not want children with me or anyone. That our relationship was a mistake. What...

  Hiccup and hide my face into my hands. I had buried those words in the darker side of my soul. Reliving them still have the same ability to annihilate me.

  - Listen you say that - pull away my hands and touch my belly - With our son here, growing ... You did not, did not want my baby ...

  For the first time in a long time, I'm washing my soul. All the pains contained in my heart, the whole sadness of my life, and I had to muffle so that Ben could have a peaceful pregnancy suddenly fall on me like an avalanche. My tears are violent, like a car without brakes into the gorge.

  - Do not do it - suddenly, their lips are on mine.

  There is a deep kiss, full of passion; are soft touches like the finest pen, my lips, my face, my eyes. Erasing not only my tears, but every trace of pain I felt.

  The glue tests in mine. Eyes to eyes. I see love. In its most pure and sincere.

  - I always saw here - I touch your eyes with my lips, as he had done with me - His love, I have always seen here. So I wrote the letter, telling all. I said that if one day change his mind, we would be waiting. I would wait a lifetime.

  - What letter? - He asks, squinting - I have not read any letter.

  I know not. It
makes more sense now.

  - I asked Julienne deliver a letter I wrote, so I left.

  - When you left, I got a little crazy - his eyes stray from mine, but I have the glimpse of the suffering contained there - I needed to get away from all the memories. It did not help much. We take people here.

  He touches his chest. Share what he's talking about. There are things, places that remind us of who you love. It is the love we feel for the person. In came anywhere we are.

  - Julienne left with the lady who does the maintenance of the house. I believed I had read, but did not care.

  He curses under his breath. Benjamin, who is now sleeping, tremulous eyes, but back to sleep.

  - She told me about the match. I did not give importance - he closes his eyes and sighs heavily.

  It is so ironic and stupid that a detail as insignificant as a letter not read, had dictated our lives.

  - There must still be in the office - Adam mutters, and I notice the disappointment in his voice.

  His gaze back to Ben. His nose touches the top of the baby's head and he closes his eyes. I love the yummy smell it has. Smell of love and affection.

  - I was so stupid - he stares at me with a rueful look - Do you think that one day he will forgive me?

  I smile before his misplaced anxiety.

  - He's just a baby, Adam. You will not remember this.

  - But one day he will ask us how was your birth - sorrow is a giant lump in my throat - I was not there.

  - You are here now. This is what matters, and Benjamin always know how we love and desire.

  He gets up and helps me stand. We hugged with Ben between us. I feel like I have returned from a long and exhausting journey, and was now back home, safe and happy.

  - Adam? Why did all those things to Neil, it was not true?

  His hand slides down my back, faltering. How I miss your touch, heat passing it to me.

  - What I said? In fact, what you think I said? Do you remember?

  I could never forget, though rarely has allowed her to emerge from my memories; were the words that destroyed my dreams. So I say, every word were like daggers digging into my chest, which destroyed me.

  - That bastard! - It keeps me - I'm sure it was him. Damn Nathan.

  If Benjamin was not with him, certainly descontaria his anger at some object. The fury in his eyes worries me.

  - Let's put it on the bed. I'll show exactly what I said that day.

  We went up with our hands clasped. I open the door, and only parted so I make the bed for Ben. Make a surrounded with pillows and blankets, and Adam puts in bed. I hope he patiently admire the baby as if he had not done it before. He cuddles, whispering sweet words, kisses and walks away with regret.

  When stands, extends his hands. I look at it for about five seconds. The hollow sound of our hands joining is almost imperceptible. We left the door open to hear when Ben wakes up. We descended, Adam leads me back to the room and to the office. At this point, I'm sure that would follow him anywhere he went.

  Adam sits on the chair at his desk and brings me onto his lap. No need to talk. I had not even heard what I need yet, but everything is expressed in his eyes.

  - Nathan, he wanted to take the place of Neil - it smoothes my arm as he talks, a gesture that I think even he realizes he does - He wanted everything that Neil had.

  I knew superficially about the story. But as he tells, it's hard to believe that someone as wicked as Nathan could have existed.

  - Then he saw me as a hindrance or threat - he says, annoyed - If I was wrong, I would never suspect him, right? I will ask Peter investigate this better.

  - He's dead, is not it?

  Since the unfortunate had been dark before, not even want to imagine that he can come back again.

  - Peter made sure that yes, or I would.

  - Adam!

  I do not doubt that he would be capable of it. Thank God that Nathan is dead.

  He released my arm and looking for something in his briefcase on the table. We wait a few minutes for the computer to start. He kisses me on the chin, I laugh. We exchanged the first real kiss. Born of love, passion, and a longing that is almost impossible to control.

  - So my Charmosa - it touches my face, stroking it lightly - you'll hear a little bit of love I have for you. Because what I feel will never be possible to put into words.

  So now, here, with him, I see it does not matter. Nothing matters beyond the certainty that he loves me. He loves Ben, this is important and it means everything to me.

  And when he starts recording, I feel completely stupid to have fallen at such a low blow.

  - Are you busy now? - I hear the voice of Neil, who we now know to be Nathan.

  -. Do not you all right? - Adam asks - Your voice is different.

  - Oh, is not that ... I've been talking too much, I had a full meeting.

  - Slow down, man - I hear your laughter - Need my help?

  - I just wanted to talk a little.

  - You want to come over, or want to spend here at home?

  -. No, I just wanted to talk - Nathan continues - I will not take much of your time.

  - I'm not wasting my time. I will always be here for friends.

  - You know that Jenny is pregnant. But with all those things that is happening, it is clear that being a father again scares me, Adam. But it's also exciting. I know what you think about having children, but it was so long ago. I never thought of changing your mind?

  - If you had asked me some time ago, my answer would be that there would be any possibility. Guilt prevented thought about it. I did not feel I could, that I was worthy of it. Today I feel that I can, but also want, I want all these possibilities.

  - One day you will find the right person is no longer met, is not it?

  Adam laughed.

  - I've found the right person. My fear is that I have lost.

  - I hope not, but life always gives a second chance. See my case. I thought that after Sophia, there would be no one else.

  - It's all right. Neil, I know I never say anything officially about Penelope, many things have happened, but I love her. I really love. I do not want other women. I need her. I do not just want to be friends, as Liam suggested that I might be easy. I know that time is necessary, I just can not stay away from it, and this situation is killing me.

  I feel the anguish in his words, and it flops me.

  - We hurt each other too, I know. Of course it was my fault, not to see how much was stupid. The best would be to let her go, move on, but I love you so much, Neil. I will insist until the last moment. It would have to be very stupid to give up something so precious as what we have.

  - I'm sure you will be fine. They will soon have a house full of kids to play with mine.

  - Children? I did not think I'd say this, but I want many children with her. I never wanted it to anyone else. Cecilia, may have scared me or have found that you were not ready. In fact, I did not love Cecilia really ...

  - And if the accident had not happened? - It stops.

  - Cecilia and I would be stuck with a failed relationship without love. I would love the child anyway, even if later found out was Liam, but we would be unfortunate, because as soon as I put my eyes on Penelope, I know I fall in love.

  Choking on my tears because, from there, it's too industrious control my emotion. It overflows my eyes and lips in barely contained sighs.

  - It's selfish to say that? No. With Penelope I want it all ... I do not know how to explain without sounding too emotional, but our child, there's nothing I want as much as this. IT IS...

  - The coronation of a relationship? I know. Yes, we are passionate fools. But I must and I must alert you to change diapers and waking up at dawn. It is not a bed of roses.

  - I have two nieces, remember? And it will not scare me, I will not change my mind. But enough about me, called to talk to you.

  - Actually, I'm much calmer. Thanks for listening to me. Oh, about the party in the company, you will, I sup
pose.

  - Of course I will. It was at that party I met Penelope, maybe I get her to accompany me. Or at least that record as that day was special. Well, for me it was.

  - Invite Hernandez.

  - Savannah? Because?

  - Jenny knew what happened between her and Charles. You know how women are, matchmakers.

  - Can I talk to her. It's complicated. Like Savannah, but she's in it. Well, after what happened at the party, I understand.

  - I have to go, Adam. I want to get home early today. Thank you for listening to me.

  - I just said. Until Friday.

  I can not look at him without feeling such a bitch. Unable to look at myself with a lot of anger and disappointment. There were so many tests he gave me he loved me. He was very wrong, but I also I saw what I wanted to see.

  - I feel so stupid - a tormented sob prevents me from continuing - So ...

  His hands hold my face, forcing me to face him.

  - I would never leave you, with or without Benjamin - the intensity in his eyes and voice make me cry again - I just let it go away because I believed it made her suffer. And I would rather suffer alone than cause her pain. So I accepted that alone was my karma. But every moment, every day, every memory I had of you, one of us would take for life.

  - I love you - I declare again and again as I kiss her lips, her face, neck, hands - I love you, too.

  He removes my hands and take me off his lap. I note the difficulty in every move it makes.

  - I want you so much - his lips press my - But I want to read that letter. Break the last barrier. Nothing after that will separate us again. I prefer a thousand times that hate me by my side, what I love away from me. Because there is no way to separate ourselves again.

  He takes the bundle of papers and correspondence of the drawer. Advertisements, catalogs, offers coupons fly to the trash until my envelope arise between them.

  As with the recording you just heard, I had also laid bare my soul.

  He returns to the chair. His vacillating hands make shimmer paper. I escoro against the bookshelf, watching, seeing pass on his face dozens of emotions.