It was about this time that I saw Britney Spears had given birth to her first child, it was on the cover of a magazine I saw when I walked past a newsagency. I was heartbroken, I could deal with her being married, but when I read she had given birth to a child I knew it was over. I lost, it hurt and it hurt a lot. “Was I really going to be stuck with Kristy forever?” “Was I really going to be a loser forever?” “Where did I go wrong?” “Why didn’t God come for me?” “What happened to me?” It was over, I was never going to take over the world, and I was never going to be with Britney Spears. God had abandoned me when I was out in the bush, and I was realising it. It was over, my mission was a failure.
Over time the thoughts about my mum poisoning people began to fade, I realised I was wrong, and we slowly started talking again. Life with Kristy was torture. I thought about killing myself a lot, I decided that the way I would do it is electrocution in the bathtub. I was a broken and defeated man, I thought it was the end for me, but I could never kill myself, I could never truly give up. The last time Kristy kicked me out I grabbed a heap of my pills and swallowed them. I was on Risperdal 2mg after I came out of the hospital, I swallowed about a dozen of them, then I stopped myself. I knew that if I took any more I really would die. Then a state of panic came over me, I ran to the toilet and stuck my fingers down my throat, trying to vomit out all the pills I just swallowed, but I couldn’t make myself vomit. Then I started to chill out and accept my fate. “If I die, I die,” but I didn’t take enough pills anyway. I rang mum and went over to her place where I just slept on the lounge all day, the next day I woke up feeling better. Mum told me I could stay with them until I found somewhere else to go. Finally I was free from my white trash hell.
In the years that followed I slowly began to put the pieces of my life back together. I may have failed on my first attempt to save the world, but I’m still here, I’m still working on it. God will call me back, I know it, and when He does I’ll be ready for Him. I’ll know what to say and what to do, and I’ll know what not to say and what not to do. God has called me back, I’ve seen Him, and this time I’ll get it right. He came back slowly at first, but now I see Him everywhere again. I won’t bore you with every detail of my life, but I’ll tell you how I still continue to follow The Stage, and how I see God putting ideas in my head without me realising it. This is not some cosmic joke, God didn’t lie to me. They don’t write ancient prophecies about losers. I wasn’t born to fail, I just had more learning to do, this time I’m ready, or I hope I am. So I’ll skip the rest of my life’s story and I’ll tell you how it ends. I’ll tell you how following God and The Stage has brought me here, to this place and time, living in a tent at a beach in Tasmania, and saving the world once again.
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The End Of The Road
“We are all in the gutter,
But some of us are looking at the stars.”
(Oscar Wilde)
My life really began to improve when I moved to Katoomba, my life started to take on a semblance of normality. There were ups and downs, friends and girlfriends, but Emma was the one for me, we were together for five years. Emma also had a daughter, Alex, when we met she was 5, by the time we parted ways I’d been helping to raise her for half of her life.
Emma and Alex were the first real family I’d ever had. They were the best five years of my life. One thing that always bothered me about my relationship with Emma is that there were no signs, God never told me that I should be with her. Maybe that seems silly to you, but it was important to me. However, although there were never any signs that we were meant to be together, I did see Him help us out from time to time.
The best example was when Emma wanted to go to England to visit her friend. I had no idea how I was going to afford it, but I won $8000 playing blackjack at the casino, the biggest win I’ve ever had in my life. I proposed to Emma on that trip, I proposed in the catacombs beneath Paris, at the love heart made from skulls. When we got back to Sydney airport a man who had bought too much alcohol gave us an expensive bottle of champagne, I felt like it was a congratulations on our engagement.
Our relationship fell apart for two reasons. Firstly, the wedding plans got out of control, we couldn’t afford the wedding and had to cancel it. Secondly, I’m a gambler, I always have been, so I was secretly gambling trying to win the money to pay for this wedding and Emma found out. It’s pretty hard to recover from the cancelling of your wedding. It’s a stupid reason to break up, but we broke up because of money, there just wasn’t enough of it. The idea of getting married to Emma was difficult for me, maybe you think I'm crazy, but I’ve always believed that one day I’ll marry Britney Spears. I had to talk to myself seriously, I had to tell myself, “Mick, it’s been how many years now? How long are you going to hang on to this Britney Spears fantasy? Are you really going to let this get in the way of a real future?” So it was hard for me to commit to Emma in the first place, it took a lot, so when it all fell apart that was it for me. No more, never again. Although I miss them both, the fact is that were we really meant to be together, we would still be together. I regret nothing in my life, because I know that everything happens for a reason. We are all the products of our past, and I know that I am exactly the man I am supposed to be and I am exactly where I am supposed to be, even though sometimes I may not know why I am here.
After Emma I told myself “no more women for three months” and “no more women with children, definitely no more women with children.” We will always be friends, but we’ve both moved on, it’s Alex that I can't forget. People don't understand that, they think I’m a paedophile or something if I tell them that, but I spent five years raising her and now I’ve got nothing. I could break up with another woman, I couldn’t lose another child.
I didn’t last long though. Three weeks it must have been and I met a woman called Anita. Anita I did receive a lot of signs about. I’d never seen so many signs around a woman before. The more we talked, the more we learned about each other, the more signs we found. For example, our mothers are both called “Rosie,” we both played the tuba when we were younger, we both had a cat called “Kitty,” these are just a few but there were many. The more we talked, the more God seemed to be telling me that we were meant to be together. We had a lot in common and we got along really well together.
I didn’t want to get involved with a woman again, and not a woman with a son, and definitely not so soon after Emma. God told me I should be with her, and I trusted Him. I had a lot of fun with Anita, she really is a great girl, but my problem with Anita was that she wouldn’t socialise with anyone else. I couldn’t talk to Emma and Alex anymore either. I had to choose between Anita and everyone else who meant anything to me, but I trusted God. I believe in The Stage, and I will always follow the signs. It is not for me to question the wisdom of the infinite Creator of the Universe. People have never understood that about me, my life is not my own, I live my life for my God, and if God tells me where I need to be I will follow Him to the ends of the earth, no matter the cost to myself. No one understands that, they have never seen The Stage. I don’t ask “why,” I just do as I’m told. So I thought that we were meant to be together, because we did have a lot of good times together, and the signs were there too, but it’s like I always say, “the signs point the way but they never tell you the destination.”
I’d still worked on my theories, and my religion, over the years. Progress was slow, I studied astrophysics for a while, but I lost interest after a Professor told me my theory was just like some crazy shit you read on the internet “only better.” I realised I was wasting my time with astrophysics. Those people worship Einstein. No matter what I did I would never convince them. I also worked on my theory after Emma bought me a copy of Einstein’s theory of Special and General Relativity. Can you believe I’d still never even read Einstein? So I did read Einstein, and it was really helpful. We had a class on the theory of Relativity when I studied astrophysics, I found it quite easy
, all I had to do was use my theory with Einstein’s equations and I got the right answers, but I’d still never actually read the whole thing. When Emma bought me that book I found that I could poke a lot of holes in his theory and use Einstein’s own words against him, and I rewrote my theory again.
Emma didn’t like me working on my theory, she said it made me crazy, but Anita actually encouraged it. She offered to help me rewrite the whole thing, to help me improve the language and writing style. I was very appreciative and when I started reading through it I noticed things that needed correcting. I also began developing proper equations for the first time. Once again, I was a man possessed. I obsessed over my theory, I bought a notebook and I carried it around with me, writing down equations while I was at work, deriving new field equations to rival Einstein’s. What I achieved was nothing short of spectacular. I managed to derive Einstein’s field equations, except with a new twist, from my theory. I proved that I can arrive at the same mathematical conclusions at Einstein, I proved that my theory can explain everything his theory explained, and everything his theory failed to explain. Achieving the same results as Einstein from a different theory? Well, no one has ever done that before.
After about a month of working on it, Anita said she couldn’t handle it anymore, she was sick of hearing me talk about. I’d done all I could anyway, so I finished writing it up and self-published it. I was sick of dealing with astrophysicists, I’m not their Messiah, I'm not Einstein, and I want nothing further to do with any of them. They have wasted the last century working on a theory that isn’t right. They would never abandon it for my sake, no matter how worthless their work was, and it is worthless, all of it. I have singlehandedly put every astrophysicist in the world to absolute shame, and they would never admit it. They would prefer to keep their heads buried in the sand, even while I devour them.
Soon after publishing my theory the signs dried up, and I knew I had no further reason to stay with Anita. I thought that we were meant to be together, so I stayed with her even against my better judgement, because I had no other friends left. After she helped me rewrite my theory, however, I knew why I was really told to be with her. The signs point the way but they never tell you the destination. I owe Anita a great debt of gratitude, and one day I will pay her back in full for what she did for me, but it was time to move on. She is the only person who has ever helped me with my theories, and the only person who has ever believed in them, who has believed in me, but I had to go, it was time to leave.
What I really wanted to do after I broke up with Emma was to go travelling around Australia. It probably started when I bumped into Silk’s ex-girlfriend at the petrol station one day, she told me she’d been travelling up and down the east coast and living in her car. It sounded pretty cool to me. I decided I wanted to travel up to North Queensland, but of course I met Anita, so all of my travel plans were put on hold. By the time I did break up with Anita it was getting too late in the year to go to North Queensland, the monsoon season would be starting soon, so I headed south instead. I can name a few reasons, in hindsight, why I came to Tasmania. It’s kind of like Darren Brown, or the movie ‘Inception,’ even though I wasn’t specifically told by God to travel to Tasmania, He made me think it was my idea.
Apart from the seasonal problems with going to North Queensland, my first thoughts about Tasmania probably started when I saw the Australian movie ‘The Hunter.’ ‘The Hunter’ is set in Tasmania and the scenery was amazing, that was the first time I ever thought Tasmania would be a great place to go. The other thing that had a big influence on my subconscious was the song ‘Pickles From The Jar,’ by Courtney Barnett. I really liked that song and in the chorus is the line “you're from Adelaide, I’m from Hobart.” I’d never known anyone from Hobart before, but I guess it sounded like a cool place to be from. The other factor was that there are plenty of beautiful places to go camping in Tasmania. Of course, the final reason to go was that I had no friends left in Katoomba, with the exception of a mate of mine called Michael.
So after breaking up with Anita I started saving, I also started playing a lot of blackjack and I was doing really well at it. I was regularly winning $1000 on the cards, sometimes once a fortnight, sometimes once a week, sometimes twice a week, and I was using my winnings to buy everything I needed and put away money for my trip. Michael let me stay at his place while I saved for my trip, and to pay him back I took him away with me for the first week to visit his brother up north.
After dropping Michael back in Katoomba, I spent the night at my mum’s place and headed straight for my first stop in Canberra. By this stage I fancied I could make a good living as a blackjack player, but I'll tell you, it’s been an absolute disaster. Canberra Casino was a disaster, electronic blackjack at Batemans Bay was a disaster, Canberra Casino the second time was a disaster. I skipped Melbourne Casino, but it was the same story at Launceston and Hobart Casinos. I don’t know what happened, but I just couldn’t win anymore.
I was running out of money in Tasmania when a woman replied to an advertisement I’d put on Gumtree for a travel buddy. Actually she’d replied a few weeks earlier, I told her to let me know when she gets here, not expecting to hear from her again. I’d since removed the advertisement, but one day she contacted me and told me she was arriving in Hobart the next day. I called her back and to my surprise she actually sounded really cool on the phone, so I picked her up from the airport.
Her name was Sian, before she arrived I’d been sitting at the same campsite for two weeks being miserable. Sian saved my trip, together we travelled around Tasmania and explored the island, it was excellent to have some company. Before she left she helped me write up my CV and motivated me to apply for jobs. I transferred the last of my savings to enjoy my time with her, so after she left I was broke, but four days later I got a job working on an orchard doing apple thinning.
A couple of people laughed when I told them I was working on an orchard and mentioned the movie ‘Young Einstein.’ It’s an Australian movie, in it Albert Einstein is a Tasmanian who grew up on an orchard. I actually named my email address after that movie. So it got me thinking about how Isaac Newton watched an apple fall and developed his theory of gravity. It also made me think of Adam & Eve, I know it wasn't an apple tree in the Bible, but often in art Adam & Eve are depicted eating from an apple tree. I realised that the orchard was the perfect place for me to be discovered! “This was it,” I decided, “it’s perfect,” “it’s what my religion is all about! The world is a stage!” “What better place for me to be found than on an orchard in Tasmania?!”
So Christmas came and went with no media knocking at my door. Then New Year’s came and went with no media knocking at my door. Meanwhile I was completely miserable, I hated this job at the orchard and the only reason I was sticking with it was because of The Stage. One day I couldn’t take it anymore, it was the day after David Bowie died, I guess I was feeling a bit mortal. I felt like life was too short to be miserable, so I quit. Financially it was a bad idea, but I just couldn’t work at that fucking orchard any longer.
So now I’ve found myself back in my tent, camping not far from the place I was when Sian messaged me, with no money in my pocket. I stopped taking my medication for a few days, I was hoping to see The Stage again, I was hoping The Leader might tell me what to do. I didn't see The Stage, but I did change into The Leader. He thinks that’s a stupid name, by the way, he doesn’t have a name. He thinks I give everything stupid names, “don’t give me one of your stupid fucking names, Mick.” He called me “pathetic,” and said I’d completely fucked up his excellent religion, and that he was sick of me moaning about my life and not doing anything to change it. He was right, I’d made The Stage all about me. The Stage wasn’t about me, it was about everyone. I’d also made myself sound like an arsehole, which I’m not, so I needed to fix that too.
I always tell people that just because something is your fate, you can’t just sit around waiting for God to make your fat
e come to fruition, but that was exactly what I’ve been doing. It’s what I’ve been doing my entire adult life. Every little piece of progress I’ve ever made on my theories or on my religion, God has had to drag me kicking and screaming and resisting the whole way. In my defence, it is hard to keep going when everyone tells you you’re crazy, or you’re wrong, even when every fibre of your being knows the truth. Everyone has been calling me crazy or wrong for so many years now that, for the most part, I’ve been dependent on some sort of miracle.
The Leader (or whatever he would prefer people call him) was only around for a couple of days this time, but he showed me the error of my ways. God helps those who help themselves. He will never give me my break until I stop fucking up His excellent religion.
I told you how God brought me to Tasmania, I won a lot of money before I left Katoomba to make sure I left, but then He made me broke, He made me get a job at an orchard. That job would have been the perfect place for me to be discovered, so when my miracle didn’t come, and I found myself once again broke and in a tent, I realised that if I want to succeed I can’t spend my life waiting for a miracle. I would have actually been on the first boat out of Tasmania, but funnily enough, one of the two boats that ferries people between Tasmania and Melbourne had an accident the night I quit my job at the orchard. I could get on the boat now, but I know I’m meant to stay in Tasmania a little longer. I believe in The Stage, so if this is where God wants me then this is where I must stay.
My limp is back too, my old Easter II injury has flared up again. It came back from spending too much time standing on ladder rungs at the orchard. It’s really bad now after I was worried my car wouldn’t start so I walked a 16km round trip into town to use the computer at the library. A lady picked me up from the side of the highway and saved me the last couple of kilometres back to base camp, but it wasn’t until I got out of her car that I realised I couldn’t walk anymore. God probably thinks that’s funny, what a jerk. I’m in pain here, ha ha ha! My car is still starting, but only just, I’ll have to get that fixed asap, which will only delay my trip back to the mainland even longer, due to budget problems. Not being able to be on my feet also prevents me from finding another job, at least until I can walk again anyway, which could be a while.
Judgement Day Page 10
