I shook my head in disbelief. “I can’t.” The tears began to steadily fall down my face, and I tried to speak between sobs, but the words just wouldn’t come. Hayden pulled my head into his chest, comforting me the best he could, as I bawled. Every ounce of my emotions were falling on him, and he just sat there...holding me.
Sixteen
Hayden
When Noel finally cried herself to sleep, I laid her back on the couch and quietly covered her up with the blanket that lay across the back of her couch. I left her a short simple note, and made my way over to the front door. With my hand on the knob, I looked back at her sleeping form. Me leaving this way was going to break her, I knew it, and when she woke up she would know it as well, but there wasn’t any other way. I needed to do what I had to do.
I went by my uncle’s office and quit my job immediately. There was no possible way I was going to be able to see her every single day, knowing that I couldn’t be with her the way I wanted to be. It wasn’t fair to her, or me. My uncle of course said he understood, and when I told him about Lexie-May, he stood and hugged me for the second time in my entire life. I guess knowing that I was doing the right thing meant more to him than I knew. He asked how I figured out Lexie-May was mine, but when I told him her name, he instantly understood. When I got back to my apartment, I called my mom and dad. I wasn’t exactly thrilled to hear their reactions, but I knew if I didn’t do it now…I never would.
“Hello?” My mother’s voice rang through the phone like an angel, and I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes.
“Hi Mom. How are you?”
“Oh my sweet boy, I’m fantastic now that I get to hear your voice. How are you doing?”
“Lexie-May, who is it?” My father’s voice broke through the line, and I instantly regretted doing it this way.
“It’s me Dad.”
“Oh, well hello Luca.”
“Hi. Look…there is something I need to tell both of you.”
“This should be good.”
“Roger, you let the boy talk.”
“I’ll make my disappointment quick Dad, don’t worry. It turns out…I have a child. A little girl named Lexie-May.” I could hear my mother’s sobs through the line and it pulled at my heart. “She’s five, and she’s the most beautiful little girl I’ve ever seen. Her mother’s name is Vanessa, and she’s a wonderful young lady. I’m sure you both have a million questions, and I’ll get to those eventually, but right now, I need you both…here.” The line was silent except for the times I could hear my mother crying. “I’m so sorry to disappoint you Mom.”
“Oh honey, these aren’t tears of disappointment. These are tears of joy. Despite what you may think, I am so very proud of you. You are my son, and no matter what happens, or what you do, that fact will never change. I love you more than my own life. Are you happy?”
“I think so. I’m not with the mother, I actually fell in love with someone else, but I’ve told her I need time to figure this all out. I just didn’t think it was fair to ask her to be by my side while I get to know a child I didn’t even know about, and one she didn’t ask for.”
“Well you are about as dumb as your stubborn father. If that girl loves you, then she won’t care what you need to do to have your daughter in your life. Did you even give her the chance to be there for you? This isn’t something you figure out on your own if you love her. You both need to find a way for this little girl to fit into your lives, not the other way around.”
I listened intently as my mother bestowed her wisdom upon me, but I was severely disappointed that my father still hadn’t uttered a single word. “Mom, I’m sorry to interrupt, but is Dad still on the line?”
“I don’t think so honey. I’m sorry. I’ll talk to him. Now go talk to that girl of yours, and we will see you next week for Christmas. I love you, Luca.”
“I love you too, Mom.”
I hung up the phone, and quickly went to my contacts to find her name. My finger hovered over her name for quite some time, but then I realized that this was something that was better left to do in person. I ran to the front door, grabbed my coat and keys, and ran like hell out to my car. Within minutes I was pulling up out front of her place, but instead of running up her steps like I had planned, I was stuck in my seat, debating whether or not this was the right thing to do. I gave myself a small pep talk, and reached for the handle, but then I saw Officer Jude walking up her steps to her front door.
My hand fell from the metal handle, as I sat there watching her open her door, and fall into his arms. They stood there in a long embrace, before he finally picked her up and walked inside, closing the door behind them. That’s when it hit me; she was doing what I told her to do in my note. Even though she was following my advice, it didn’t make it hurt any less. My chest ached, and a part of me started to die. There was nothing left for me here.
I put my car in drive, making my way back to my apartment in silence. I wanted to bust through her door, and tell her that I was wrong. I wanted to tell her that she was with the wrong person and that I loved her more than I loved myself, but it was too late. I had made my bed.
~~~~
I woke to pounding at my front door, but I didn’t want to answer it. I threw the empty whiskey bottle at it, causing it to shatter across the floor. “GO AWAY!” The pounding continued, and there was no way this person was going away until I answered it, and made them go away. I stood myself up, and wobbled over to the thick wood door that separated me from the annoying asshole on the other side. I cocked my fist back, and flung the door open as hard as I could.
“I SAID GO THE FUCK AWAY!” When my eyes finally focused before I let my fist fly, I saw Nora’s face, and my fist instantly fell to my side.
“You know, I’m not exactly sure what she sees in you, but whatever. Back up drunkie.”
Nora pushed past me, practically knocking me over as she did so. “Hey, I didn’t say you could come in.”
“No, no you didn’t, but trust me, I don’t care.”
She dropped her purse and keys onto my wood table, and then sat back on my couch and propped her feet up on the same said table. “Well make yourself at home.” I slammed the door shut and headed into the kitchen to find some more booze. I had a feeling I was going to need it.
“Are you seriously looking for more alcohol?”
“Yeeeessss, and I would appreciate it if you mind your own god damn business. I don’t know why you gotta be all up in my stuff all the time. God!”
“You are one sad drunk, Mr. Darrington.”
I stopped what I was doing and swung around to look at Nora. “Oh my god, she told you?”
“Well I am her best friend, and unlike some people, we don’t lie to each other.”
“Classy.” I snickered as I went back to the task at hand.
“So are you going to go fight for her or what?”
“I told her to move on. I told her she deserved better. I told her that I needed to be alone. HA! I’m a fucking idiot.”
“Well, you’ll get no arguments from me.” She laughed. “I know what you told her, dumbass. But I asked if you were going to go fight for her?”
“No! And you wanna know why? Because I went to do just that, and I saw tall, dark, and handsome Officer Jude, carrying her inside. I think it’s safe to say…I lost.”
“Oh my god, you dumb asshole. She invited him over to break it off with him, because despite what your stupid note said, she still loves you and wants to be with you. Look Luca, or Hayden, or whatever your damn name is, don’t blow it this time. Go to her. That’s all I’m going to say. I have to get to work. Don’t make me come back over here and kick your ass.”
“Ooooohhh I’m so scared. I’ll do what I want, thank you.”
“Whatever, don’t be stupid.”
Before I could respond with some semblance of a sentence, I was face first on the ground, and I couldn’t keep my eyes open a second longer. As I started to fade into what I could o
nly assume was me blacking out, I remembered her smell, and that made me smile. Nothing smelled better than Noel. Nothing.
Seventeen
Noel
It was Christmas Eve, and it had been exactly three days since Hayden walked out of my life for good. He quit his job, moved out of his place, and managed to change his phone number all in three days. Who does that? As much as I wanted to be furious with him, part of me didn’t blame him. Sometimes the only way to get over somebody when you don’t really want to, is to cut yourself off from them completely. I wasn’t even sure he still lived here. For all I knew, he up and moved back to New York. In all honesty, it wouldn’t surprise me at this point.
I was almost ready for work when my phone started ringing. I quickly ran over to the living room table, hoping it would be him, but it was an unknown number. I clicked the side button to ignore it, and went back to getting ready. A few seconds later, the phone started ringing again. It was the same unknown number, but this time something inside of me told me to answer it.
“Hello?”
“Hi, is this Ms. Christmas?” I could hear the chuckle in the guy’s voice as he said my last name.
“Yes, this is she. Can I ask who’s calling?”
“Ms. Christmas, this is Dan at Mount Memorial Hospital. I have you down as the next of kin for a Ms. Rachael Christmas, do you know her?”
“Yes, she is my…mother. Is everything okay?” I took in a deep breath as I waited for the man to answer.
“I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Ms. Christmas was brought in last night with breathing complications, and she passed this morning. We were instructed to not call until after she was gone. I’m so sorry.”
The phone fell from my hand, shattering into pieces as it hit the floor. I fell to my knees right along with it, cupping my head in my hands as I sobbed. She was gone. I knew she was dying, and instead of being kind and forgiving, I chose to be stubborn and ignore her. I thought I’d have more time, more time to forgive her. Everything inside of me was breaking piece by piece knowing that I would never get the chance to tell her I forgave her, or to apologize for how horribly I had treated her when she came to see me.
I rocked myself back and forth, trying to comfort what little part of me wasn’t already numb to the pain. My mother was gone…forever. There would be no more hellos or goodbyes; no more I’m sorrys. She came to me, broken and beat down, and apologized. She tried to make amends, and I spit on her. She must’ve hated me in her final moments. As she sat alone in a hospital room dying, I was at home sleeping comfortably in my warm bed. I was a monster.
I lay on my side with my arms wrapped tightly around myself, tears pouring out of my eyes as I stared underneath my stove, my cheek pressed firmly against the hardwood floors, when my front doorbell rang. The sound passed through my ears, but nothing registered with my brain. I had turned it all off, and didn’t care if I died where I lay. When I heard the doorbell again, I wished and prayed that the person would just leave me be. A few more rings, and the noise stopped. Silence took back over, and I was at peace. I needed time to mourn. I needed time to feel sorry for myself.
“Noel? Noel are you in there?” Nora’s voice echoed through my place, as I lay unmoving. “Noel honey, I need you to come unlock the door.”
I shook my head as though she could see me. My eyes and throat were as dry as the desert, but I couldn’t bring myself to move. I deserved the pain I was feeling. I deserved it all. I didn’t deserve friends like Noel. I deserved people like Hayden who leave me instead of trying to make things work. I was a horrible human being, and there was no way I was letting myself off the hook so easily.
“Noel, I’m going to have the fireman break the door down now. Noel?” I could hear her voice again, but the words were lost.
“She’s in here, miss.”
“Oh my god, Noel. Noel, are you okay?” I could feel Nora moving my head, but I couldn’t respond.
“Miss, I’m going to need you to back up so we can make sure she’s okay.”
I could hear a man’s voice, but never saw a face. I never saw anything at all. I saw white, and then I saw…my mom. She was standing in front of me in a bright yellow sundress, wearing the biggest smile I had ever seen. She looked healthy, and beautiful, just as I had remembered her looking when I was younger.
“Mom, what are you doing here?”
“I’m here to help you, my love. You can’t go on like this, Noel. It’s your turn to finally live your life the way you were meant to.”
“But I can’t, Mom. I have to tell you how sorry I am for the way I treated you. I want you to know that I love you, no matter how many times I told you otherwise, I do love you.”
“I know that, baby girl.” Her hand stroked my cheek, and I pushed my face into her hand, feeling the warmth of her against my skin. This was the mother I missed and loved. “You’re going to be okay, Noel. I’m fine, and I’m going to be fine.”
“But…I miss you.” I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, and it made me cry even more.
“And I miss you, but it was my time to go. I’m better now, and you will be too. Now go baby girl. Go and be the strong girl I know you to be. I’ll be with you, I promise. Every step of the way.”
The white light started to fade, and my mother started to walk away. “WAIT! MOM, PLEASE DON’T GO!”
“I love you, Noel.” She blew a kiss at me, and then she was gone.
“I think she’s coming around. Noel? Noel, can you hear me?”
I blinked my eyes rapidly as the man’s face started to come into view. I nodded my head to let him know that I could hear him, and a small smile spread the width of his face. He was handsome, and that made me smile in return.
“I think she’s going to be just fine. You scared us.”
“I’m sorry.” I croaked out as the fireman glanced between Nora and me.
I felt Nora wrap her arms around me from behind, and I instantly felt a million times better. Knowing that my mom was okay now, and that I had someone like Nora in my life, made it all a little bit easier to deal with. Somehow I was going to get past all of this, and come out of it okay. A little while later the firemen left, and Nora helped me over to the couch.
“I’m so glad you’re okay. I was so worried.”
“I know, and I’m sorry.”
“What happened?” I could see that she was genuinely concerned, and that made me want to share this with her.
“My mom passed away this morning.”
“Oh god, Noel. I’m so sorry. I know you two weren’t on the best of terms, but…wow.”
“It was just a little too much for me to handle, but I’ll be okay. Thank you, for being the friend that you are. Love ya, Nor.”
“I love you too, Noel.” I wrapped my arms tightly around Nora, and thanked my lucky stars for her.
Eighteen
Hayden
Waking up on Christmas morning was something different entirely this year. My parents came into town, and what I thought would be a completely awkward holiday, turned out to be one of the best Christmas’ I have ever had. Once my father and me talked things out, I somehow convinced Vanessa to bring Lexie-May over and have the both of them spend Christmas with us. Although we had so many things to work out, today was about being thankful, and I was far beyond thankful for everything and everyone in my life.
Lexie-May warmed right up to me and her new grandparents, and there was no doubt in my mind that after spending time with her, that my parents would be moving out here full-time. I watched as my mother’s face lit up like the fourth of July as she danced around the living room with her granddaughter. Even my dad was laughing and smiling far more than I had ever seen in my twenty-five years. They even made Vanessa feel like part of the family, and I know that was important to her.
I sat back against the counter sipping my coffee as I watched my family fill my new house with love and laughter, when the doorbell rang. “I’ll grab it.” I shouted,
but nobody even heard me. When I opened the door the last person I expected to see was Nora.
“I’m sorry to bother you. You have a minute?” I could tell by the look on her face that this conversation wasn’t going to be a pleasant one.
I reached for my coat, and pulled it on as I stepped out onto the porch. “I swear I’m going to see her today.” I held up my hands in surrender so Nora wouldn’t beat my ass as she had promised.
“Good…but that’s not why I’m here. I mean I am here because of her, but not because of that.” I could tell she was getting flustered so I placed my hands on her shoulders to steady her. “Her mom died yesterday. I didn’t think it would hit her as hard as it did, but she was in pretty bad shape, Hayden. I had to call the fire department and have them bust her door down because she wouldn’t answer. They found her on the floor in her kitchen, practically lifeless.”
“Holy shit, Nora. Is she okay?”
“She’s fine, Hayden. She’s fine, physically. Emotionally, I’m not so sure. She’s laying her mom to rest today, but she asked me not to go. She told me she needed to do it on her own. I don’t think she…”
“I just need to get dressed, and I’ll be on my way.”
“Are you sure? Hayden you have your daughter and your family here.”
“I do, but my family will understand. I’ll call you with an update in just a bit.”
“Thank you, Hayden.”
“You’re welcome, Nora.” She started walking down the steps, but stopped midway down.
“Merry Christmas, Hayden.”
“Merry Christmas, Nora.”
I ran upstairs, and threw on one of my nice suits. I wasn’t exactly sure how this was going to go down with everyone or even Noel, but I had to try. This was my chance to prove to her just how much I cared about her and needed her in my life. When I got downstairs everyone was still in the living room, playing with Lexie-May’s gifts, and when I walked in wearing a suit, the room fell silent.
“Mom, can I talk to you for a second?”
The Secret About Christmas Page 8
