by Audrey Storm
Emma had decided that she would spend a year in Europe. Her parents had tried multiple times to talk her out of going, trying to bribe her with all kinds of different gifts and although the gifts were great Emma refused to stay home.
She knew if she tried to explain herself to her parents they would not understand or they would be hurt by the fact that Emma needed time away from them. Up until this point in her life she had pretty much done everything that they had told her to do. It didn’t bother her that they did not want her going out on dates she had never felt pretty anyway. Emma was bigger than most girls her age and most of the time she hated it. She remembered learning in school that there was a time when men were proud to have a larger woman because it meant that they were successful. She wished that she had lived during that time period and not the time period where skeletons were beautiful.
Emma knew that even if she had been allowed to go out on dates she would have never been asked. Not once during the entire time that she was in high school had a boy ever asked her out and probably never would.
She wondered what college would be like and if there would be other big girls there like her. She hoped that there would but none of that mattered now. All that mattered was packing for her trip, getting on her plane the next morning and learning how to make decisions on her own.
“How can you say that you will be fine,” her mother interrupted her thinking, “You have no idea where you are going, there will be no one there to make sure you are safe. You know what,” she paused and looked at Emma with a smile, “How about I call the airport and book myself a seat.”
Emma groaned, “That’s fine,” she saw her mother’s eyes light up, “I hope you have a great time on your trip, why don’t you take daddy with you and he can keep you company.” Her mother began glaring at her. “I have been planning this trip for far too long and I am going to go to Europe on my own. Think of this as a vacation, you and daddy can spend your time together, getting to know each other again or something just let me get to know myself.”
Emma looked at her bed as the words poured out of her mouth this was not what she had wanted to say to her mother. “What do you mean get to know yourself,” her mother asked her as she sat down.
Emma looked out of her bedroom window trying to come up with something to say, but knowing that she was going to have to tell the truth and it was going to make her mother angry.
“I have no idea who I really am,” Emma began, “I do what you tell me to do, I eat what you tell me to eat, I act the way you tell me to act and I say what you tell me to say. I need time by myself so that I can do what I want, say what I want to say I want to act like me and not like you.”
Emma’s mother stood, she folded the shirt she had in her hand and placed it in Emma’s suitcase. “Well,” she began, “If it bothers you so much that you are like me then fine, I won’t tell you what I think anymore.”
“That is not what I meant,” Emma said looking at her mother. She knew there was no explaining it to her mother that was just the way she was always taking everything personally. Emma’s mother played the victim well and that was one of the main reasons that she knew she needed to get away.
When most girls are growing up they look at their mother as someone they want to be like when they get older, but Emma knew that she wanted to be just the opposite of her mother. She wanted to be strong and successful, she knew that one day she would have children of her own and she would not force them to be who she wanted them to be or who she wanted to be while she was growing up. Emma felt bad for her mom because she knew there had to be something lacking in her own life for her to need so much control over Emma’s.
“Then tell me exactly what you meant Emma,” her mother continued. Emma knew there was no way she was going to drop the subject. She just continued packing her bag without saying a word. Her mother stomped out of the room and Emma knew it was not because of what she had said, but because her mother knew she couldn’t control her any longer.
Emma smiled to herself, feeling that for the first time in her life she had really stood up to her mom. Normally she would have gone along with whatever her mother said, but Emma had known since the moment she graduated high school that she was going to have to start taking control of her own life or her mother would control her forever.
Emma did not want to be one of those people who were 40 years old and still lived at home with their parents. She wanted to be successful, happy and she wanted to have her own life, her own home and maybe one day her own family. Her life was about to change and she was happy about.
That night Emma sat down to what would be her last dinner with her family for an entire year. She had saved enough money while working after school and on weekends to allow her to enjoy Europe for a year and then she planned on coming back and starting college. Her mother cried as Emma ate, her father looked at Emma with anger in his eyes but Emma’s smile remained.
Their anger would dissipate in time and Emma was going to enjoy her trip no matter what they did. She rolled her eyes as she thought about how the next day would play out. She had to get up early and had planned to take a cab to the airport. She didn’t want to have to rely on her parents for a ride because she knew they would do whatever it took to keep her home even if that meant denying her a ride. She didn’t want to leave her car at the airport for a year, so she had planned for a cab to pick her up the next morning. She hoped that her mother and father would still be asleep when she left otherwise she knew it would be a big ordeal full of tears and anger.
After dinner, Emma washed her plate and headed back up to her room. She needed to shower and go over her list one final time in order to ensure that she did not forget anything for her trip. She had planned to stay in hostels while she traveled and had a list of each one in all of the different cities she planned on visiting.
She also had a list of all of the sights that she wanted to see and along with her clothes, personal supplies, and other items she made sure she had several cell phone batteries, extra chargers and plenty of USB memory sticks for her laptop. She wanted to take pictures of everything. Emma knew that this would probably be the only time in her life that she would be able to spend such a long time overseas and she wanted to capture it all on her camera. She wanted to be able to share it with her friends, family and someday her grandchildren. This trip meant more to her than her parents would ever understand and she wanted to make sure she never forgot it.
Emma barely slept that night. She was too excited and could not wait to see what the coming year held for her. She was also terrified. She wondered if going to another country alone was the smartest thing for her to do. She wished that she had asked a friend to join her, but knew that no one she knew could have afforded to go with her and she really was not that close to anyone that she did know. She hoped that while she was in Europe she would get to meet new people and make new friends.
Emma was awake at 4:30 the next morning, her alarm was not set to go off until 5 am and she was glad that she had woken up before it went off. She did not want to take the chance of it waking her mother, but when the smell of pancakes and bacon hit her nostrils she knew her mother was already awake.
Emma showered and dressed quickly before grabbing her bags and heading down the stairs. Her cab was to arrive at 6 AM and that could not come soon enough for her.
“What are you doing,” Emma asked her mother as she walked into the kitchen.
“Oh,” her mother replied, “I couldn’t sleep so I thought I would get up and cook you a big breakfast before you leave. I know it is going to be a long time before you get to eat like this again.”
Emma rolled her eyes. ‘Now she is going to try and bribe me with food’, Emma thought to herself. Emma partially blamed her mother for the issues that she had with her weight. Every time Emma had become upset her mother had given her food to comfort her. When Emma wanted to do something that her mother did not approve of then she would give Emma food or even pretend that s
he was being a good mother by spending time with Emma while baking.
Emma sat down as her other handed her a plate and thought about the time that she wanted to attend a sleep over with several girls from her school. Emma’s mother had decided that would be a great night to spend baking all kinds of sweets with her daughter. Of course Emma had a good time, but she longed to spend time with girls her own age. She felt left out when she went to school the next Monday morning when all of the girls were talking about how much fun they had at the sleepover. Emma remembered crying that night when she got home because the girls had ignored her the entire day at school because she had not attended.
Emma quietly ate her breakfast. She knew it was the least she could do for her mother and she really did not want to leave on bad terms. No matter what her parents put her through she would always love her mother and want to please her.
Emma watched as a tear rolled down her mother’s cheek. She wished that she could do something to change the way her mother felt, but she did not have time. She heard the sound of a car horn in front of her house, pushed her plate away and hurried to the front door.
Her mother followed close behind her. Emma grabbed her bags as she opened the front door and saw her cab waiting for her. She quickly made her way to the cab, placed her bags in the trunk and turned to look at her mother. She could tell that it was all her mother could do to not break down crying and although she felt bad Emma gave her a quick hug and jumped into the cab.
As the cab driver drove off Emma refused to look back at her mother. She knew that if she let her emotions get the best of her, she would tell the driver to turn the cab around and take her back home. She was already wondering if she had made the right decision and feeling bad for leaving her parents for a year.
She told herself that they would have to get used to her being gone anyway because she would be going to college the next year. Her parents would have to get used to her not being at home with them.
After about 15 minutes into the ride Emma sat back in the seat and began to relax. She imagined a place where she would finally be happy, a place where she could choose to be anyone.
Before Emma knew it, they were pulling up to the airport. As soon as the cab stop, she paid the driver, grabbed her bags out of the trunk and headed into the airport. From there everything was a blur until Emma was sitting comfortably on the airplane.
Her journey was going to begin in Italy and she could not have been more excited. Not only did she love the Italian culture, she had a bit of a thing for the men. When she was younger, she used to sit and dream about the man she would marry. She imagined him to be Italian, dark hair and eyes, a beautiful man. Emma could not wait to see what opportunities Italy had for her.
Of course she could not wait to see popular attractions such as Vatican City, The Colosseum, The Sun Palace and The Eiffel Tower, but she was more excited about being away from her parents in a place where no one could control her.
Although her flight seemed as it would never end the plane finally landed. Emma quickly exited the plane, found her luggage and headed out of the airport. It had taken 7 and a half hours for her to get to Italy and she was glad that she had booked a cheap hotel for the night. She was glad that she was finally in Italy, but she was not ready to stay in a room with a bunch of strangers.
Emma checked into her hotel and decided to change her clothes. She had been wearing sweats and a t-shirt on her flight, she was hungry and did not want to go out anywhere in Italy looking the way she did.
She carefully did her makeup and made sure that her hair looked perfect. She slipped into a short black dress and black flats then headed out the door.
She did not have to go far before finding a cute little restaurant. She sat in a booth in the back corner of the restaurant and watched as more people entered. There were men and women from all around the world, smiling, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. It was not until then that Emma really understood how lonely she was.
As she scanned her menu she thought about how she had never gotten to go on a date and how different her life would be if she had a boyfriend. She wondered if she would even be in Italy or maybe she wouldn’t be alone.
Emma wondered what it would be like to have a man’s arms around her and to be held close to his chest. What it would feel like to have a man kiss her and caress her body.
The waitress walked up interrupting Emma’s thoughts and she quickly ordered her meal. Just as the waitress was walking away Emma’s cell phone beeped. It was a text message from her mother stating that she had deposited extra money into Emma’s bank account so that she could stay at a real hotel instead of at hostels.
Emma smiled at her phone as she thought of her mother frantically pacing around the house, imagining that Emma was taking part in orgies in the hostels. She was grateful for the extra money though. She did plan on staying in a few hostels even though her mother had sent the extra money it was part of the experience, but knowing that she did not have to made her feel a bit better.
She text her mother a quick thank you and went back to watching the couples as they filled the tiny restaurant. Emma’s meal arrived and she ate it in silence. She felt sadness weighing down on her. She knew she had her entire life ahead of her, but she wanted so badly to be loved like the other women in the restaurant. She could see a sparkle in their eyes when they looked at the men they were with and she wanted to know what made them look that way.
Emma paid her bill and walked back to her hotel. Loneliness filled her and she wondered if she would be able to stay away from her parents as long as she had planned. They were her entire life, the only thing that kept her from feeling lonely. It hurt her to admit it, but she was already missing them.
Once she arrived back at the hotel she undressed and made her way to the shower. She tried her best not to be afraid, but it was the first time she had ever been in a strange place by herself. All of her fears began to surface as she showered. She tried to calm herself but was not successful; she decided to quickly get out of the shower and dress as fear began to take her over.
Emma walked to the television and turned it on. She thought a nice show would get her mind off of the fact that she was completely alone. She also found that the hotel had left a few packs of tea next to the coffee pot and thought that might help her relax.
Emma made her tea and climbed into her bed and began watching television. She was glad that they had some of the shows she was used to seeing back home and that they offered them in English. She had spent a bit of time learning enough Italian to get her by but not enough to understand an entire television show.
That night was one of the worst nights of Emma’s life thus far. Just after falling asleep, she jumped up and ran to the bathroom. Everything that she had eaten at the restaurant came back up. Her stomach reeled in pain as she sat on the bathroom floor clinching it.
Sweat broke out on her forehead and she shook all over. Emma had never felt this way in her life and she thought that she was dying.
She grabbed a towel and wrapped herself in it before laying on the bathroom floor and falling asleep.
The rest of the night continued in much the same way. Emma would wake up, heave until her stomach had nothing left to give, then fall back asleep.
When Emma woke up the next morning she barely had any strength left in her. She pulled herself up to the sink and looked into the mirror. She had dark circles under her eyes and her hair stuck to her face from the sweat. Her complexion was pale and her lips almost white.
Emma looked over to the bathtub knowing that she could not go anywhere looking the way she did, but also knowing she had to find a doctor and quickly.
She stumbled over to the tub, placed the plug in the drain and began filling it. She pulled her pajamas off and let them fall to the floor. She carefully climbed into the bathtub and leaned back into the hot water.
Her heart began to pound and her head began to ache, Emma’s vision blurred and she closed h
er eyes grabbing onto the side of the tub.
She took a deep breath and pulled herself out of the tub. She had not been able to relax or wash the way she had intended, but she knew she needed to see a doctor immediately.
Emma grabbed the towel that lay on the bathroom floor and felt her way back to her bed. She knew she would have to relax before she could call a doctor.
Everything quickly went black for Emma and the next thing she knew she was waking up lying on the hotel bed feeling as if she were going to die. She rolled over and reached for the phone.
“Front desk,” she heard a voice say.
“Please connect me to a local doctor,” Emma’s voice was weak.
“Right away, ma’am,” the voice said.
Emma waited as the front desk quickly connected her with a doctor that was only a few blocks away.
“Dr. Silvio Nicolella’s office,” a voice quickly answered.
“Hello,” Emma began, “My name is Emma and I am on vacation. I need to see the doctor as soon as possible I am very sick.”
The receptionist asked Emma what her symptoms were and Emma struggled to put the words together to answer her, but soon was told that although the doctor was canceling all of his appointments for the day due to the air conditioning system going out he agreed that Emma could come in right away and see him.
Emma hung up the phone, then called the front desk again. She told them to charge her card for another night knowing that she was not going to be traveling that day.
Emma groaned. My first day away from my parents and I am sick. What a great way to start my year,’ she thought to herself. She pulled herself out of bed slowly and began to dress. She slipped on a pair of yoga pants, a T-shirt and tied her hair up on the top of her head. She knew that she looked bad, but she felt bad and did not care about anything but going to the doctor.
Emma had the front desk call her a cab. Even though the doctor’s office was only a few blocks away from the hotel she did not want to chance walking there and passing out on the way.
