by Audrey Storm
Chapter 2
As I walked along I couldn't help but think about the first time I and Alex had met. Was this the real reason I had ventured out into the rain? Was my subconscious just trying to torture me? Sometimes it's good to give into the pain. I passed the bar where we first met. I'd been drinking with a friend and she was the worse for wear so I sent her home. Funnily enough that was after a break up as well. I don't need to tell you whether she was the breaker or the broken. I was standing around debating what to do. I'd never drunk in a bar alone before but the night was still young and it seemed a waste to go home, plus I was at a point in my life where I really wanted some new friends. Then a guy walked up to me and started to talk to me about my friend and what was wrong with her. He was tall and had kind eyes, the kind of eyes that you could get lost in easily. I did.
He invited me back in for a drink and we ended up talking for ages. Then they called last orders and we couldn't believe that the night had flown by. I can't even remember what we talked about now. It must have been everything. Then we got outside and it was raining. All the taxis had been taken. We looked at each other and burst out laughing. Neither of us said anything, we just both stepped out into the rain and let it pour down around us. We carried on walking and talking. It felt like the city was ours and we were the only people alive that night. We walked arm in arm, and there were moments when we wouldn't talk at all, but it was still all right because we knew that we had found something in each other. Something special.
We stopped at a monument of a war hero, some soldier that was atop a horse, pointing his gun presumably towards the enemy.
“Would you ever go to war?” I asked him.
“For the right cause,” he said.
“And what would that be?”
“My country, my freedom, and the love of a beautiful woman.” As he said this he looked directly at me and our eyes were locked together. He placed his hand against my cheek and wiped the clear drops away. We leaned in and closed our eyes, and I was lifted up on my tiptoes as our lips met as the rain poured down us. We clung to each other as it soaked us through and I felt the drops trickle between our lips. We only stopped to laugh at how much of a cliché we were, and then carried on kissing until we ended up going home (and no I didn't sleep with him that night, I'm not that kind of girl).
So we were together and from the on the rain was always linked to happiness. But now it's back to being synonymous with sadness again. I looked up to the heavens and closed my eyes to feel the rain fall against me, as though it were trying to batter me into submission, but I resolved against it. I stopped and held out my arms. I knew people were looking at me but I didn't care. They didn't know my story, or me and we were just strangers passing in the night, never to see each other again. I had nowhere to go and nothing to do. I was only out in the rain because it seemed like a better idea than sitting indoors all night with reminders of him everywhere.
He'd ended it because he said that it wasn't working anymore and it didn't feel like I was properly in the relationship, whatever that meant. I thought there was someone else because he’d been increasingly distant and very protective of his phone. When I brought it up he tried to deny it but I could see from the look in his eyes that he was right. I think that's the worst way to break someone's heart. 'Hey, yeah, I'm not really into you anymore and I've chosen this person over you because I just think they're better so thanks for all the time we spent together but I'm upgrading now.'
He even tried to blame it on me, the pig, and told me that I had pushed him into her arms. I don't know what he means by that, although now that I think about it, I suppose a lot of my relationship had ended the same way. They always tell me that I've changed and that I'm not the same woman they started going out with. I never notice though... I just tend to get bored and eventually things get stale and monotonous and I find myself craving something else. I'm not sure what exactly; I just know it's out there somewhere. Maybe I'm too much of a dreamer, or I just want to sabotage myself. There are a million things that it could be and all the thoughts are just swirling around in my head with no direction, like an orchestra without a conductor. I want to shout and scream and tell myself to shut up, but that seems like something a mad person would do.
I continued walking through the rain and brushed my hand against the walls of the buildings that had been there far longer than I had existed and would still be standing long after I departed from the earth. The bricks were rough in texture and felt scratchy against my fingertips. Many things in the world were hard and coarse, made to protect our own skin, which was soft and weak. It's a wonder we've managed to survive this long as a species. There are so many things out there trying to kill us, not least ourselves. Why are we always so cruel to each other?
Chapter 3
When I look back on my relationships I always try to figure out where I've gone wrong so that I can learn from my mistakes and do better in the future but with Alex I really don't know. Things seemed wonderful between us and I didn't think that I was pulling away but apparently I was. We had a good sex life, although I admit that over the last few months things had slowed down somewhat although I wouldn't have put that wholly on me. I think that's something the both of us could have worked on. But now when I look back on it I'm not sure if it was as good as I remember being. Perhaps I was lulled into a false sense of security while I was actually in the relationship, or maybe I was just denying the disaster as it crumbled around us.
I called him earlier today to try and talk with him. It didn't go well. I could tell that he was with her and that's always the worst thing. I was there in my empty apartment trying to figure out what to do with my life while he was already way ahead of me, starting on the next stage. I was already just part of his past and he was making his own future. He told me to just get on with my life and that he wasn't what I wanted. As if he knew me better than I knew myself. Where did he get off? It just put me in a bad mood and I didn't want to be cooped inside so I went outside in the rain but the city seemed too big and I could see myself getting lost in it.
It was a horrible feeling.
I didn't know who I was anymore. I'd been through so much and I don't know about you but when I was younger I always had a plan for myself, and things hadn't worked out like that at all. I felt aimless and my existence was empty. I looked around at the drenched city and I felt so alone. It didn't feel like home to me anymore. Everyone I saw was a stranger, only out for himself or herself. Most of the buildings were closed at the time of night and the only ones that were open were the ones that wanted your money, and I didn't have enough to give to them. So I stayed outside in the pouring rain, feeling like I was going to melt in it. The wind was getting more strength, whipping my face, but I stayed out like a true warrior, feeling like if I could endure it then at least I had accomplished something.
I made a checklist of my boyfriends. I was approaching thirty (which I tried to ignore I mean, age is just an arbitrary indication of how long we've spent on the earth, that's what I told myself anyway) and I've had six people who I would have considered boyfriends. There was Matty. He was my first. We went out in the last year of high school. Didn't last long but at least I had a prom date. We went off to college though and we tried to make it work but we both knew that it wasn't going to. Then there was Craig, he was the first boy that I was properly ga-ga over and we had some amazing times. I mean, we barely left the room but the times were amazing, although it turned out that I wasn't the only one he was seeing and as good as he was I couldn't allow that so we broke up. I was glad of that too because afterwards he said he only screwed me to get a BBW off his checklist. Took a while before I was ready for something else after that because it really shot my confidence. But then Tom came along and he was really sweet. I regret him actually because I was a bitch to him in the end, there was just no fire, no passion, so that fizzled out.
Miguel was next. Oh Miguel, the one that got away. He was only over for a summer and wh
at a summer it was. I often wonder about him and whether things would have worked out between us if he had stayed. Probably not because he could barely speak English, but when you had a tongue like his then who cares? Steven was another serious boyfriend and we were together for a long time until the same thing happened with Tom. I looked at him one day and it sounds harsh but I couldn't remember why I fell for him in the first place. Once you start thinking that there really is no going back. Patrick was the same, and then Alex. Did I just do it to myself? Was I ultimately the one responsible for my own unhappiness? I was the common denominator but it was a difficult thing to admit.
There was one other common denominator though, the city. It felt like it had got its clutches in me and I wasn't allowed to be myself, or discover who I really was. The world was so loud and noisy and fast-paced that I had no idea what I should be doing or who I should be doing it with. There was a lot of pressure on me to be something and somewhere along the way I had lost a sense of freedom. As I looked at the dark buildings with the bright lights streaming on top I was reminded of a prison, a bleak existence, and I knew that it was time for me to escape.
Chapter 4
I'd been a city girl all my life and I was growing tired of it. People in the city were jaded and cynical. I could feel myself turning into that and I didn't want that for myself. I tried to think back to when I was younger and how idealistic I had been. I still believed in love and liberty and hadn't been soured by experience. I knew that I wasn't going to what I was looking for in the city. Things had changed me there. Everyone looked the same and the only way to meet people was to go to bars and I had had enough of that. Didn't help that I didn't have any single friends left. The one I helped get into the taxi after her break up? The night I met Alex? Yeah, she got over that one pretty quickly and ended up marrying the next guy she met. Seems to work out well for them though. But I don't know, whenever I meet a guy I just can't picture marrying them. Is that a thing? Are you supposed to envisage a whole life together with someone when you start dating?
Even with Alex we were just seeing where it went and while we had spoken about the future we hadn't made any concrete plans. I guess that's maybe what he was referring to when he said that I was pushing him away. But I just couldn't see myself getting married to him...being together for the rest of your life is a big commitment. How do you know that someone is worthy of that? How can you know that you're going to love them above all others when there are countless other people out there that you haven't met yet? Perhaps it's for the best that Alex broke up with me. We were probably heading for disaster anyway. I felt like I needed to do some soul-searching and I wasn't going to find myself in the city. It was all dark and grimy and I'd been there for too long. The last time I had a vacation was a short weekend break away to a bed and breakfast out in the country somewhere but Alex ended up getting a call from work and enjoying the sights on my own wasn't the same.
But the more I thought about it the more that it started to seem like a good idea. I'd been set in my ways for too long and my life was becoming routine, which was something I hated. The best times in my life were when I had shaken things up, like when I had gone to college, I changed totally and really discovered myself. That's all I needed, a shot in the arm, a little way to refresh myself and come back better. So I decided to go away for a month. I never saw the point in going on holiday for a week because once you get there you have to adjust, and by the time it gets to Wednesday you're already thinking about going home and I wanted to give myself room to breathe and a month was just a way to get away from it all.
After making my decision I went and left the rain behind and dried myself off. I felt better for having made a plan, and I was sure that getting away from the city was the right thing to do. Sometimes leaving everything you knew behind is a great feeling.
Chapter 5
On the day that I drove out of the city, the sun was shining in a rare break from the rain. It felt like it was meant for me. Perhaps that's egotistical of me, and maybe it points to an underlying issue of narcissism but it was a good omen for my trip. I looked out of the rear-view mirror and saw the gleaming skyscrapers bid me farewell. Ahead of me was the open road with nothing on it but possibilities. Other cars rushed by me and as we all drove along, snaking along the highway, I wondered where they were going. Did they have similar problems to me? Were they escaping their lives for a little while as well? Or perhaps they had just been to the city on a vacation themselves and were returning to their normal lives in a small town.
Even just driving away from the city filled me with a sense of contentment. I gripped the wheel tightly, turned up the music, rolled down the window, and drove forward with a smile on my face. I'd done some searching around on the Internet and it was depressing because it showed me how little I knew the area in which I lived. To me the city was the world. It had everything I needed so why would I care about anything else? But a quick Google search had shown me everything that was around me and I couldn't believe how much there was to do! There were museums and historical sites and things that I never knew existed. And there was a small town a couple of hours away from the city. Some of the comments about the city said that getting cell phone reception was difficult and that sealed the deal. Getting away from it all meant getting away from it all, and nothing was going to stop me from finding myself.
I always found driving alone quite relaxing, and really I've always been quite comfortable with my own company. Many people find it disquieting to be alone, as though the whole abyss of the world threatens to swallow you up, but I've always enjoyed being away from people. That's another thing about the city. It's hard to be alone, and I don't mean feeling lonely because that's something that's possible even in the biggest crowds, but just finding a place that's yours is troublesome. Out there on the open road though, it felt like the world was giving itself to me. I could have gone anywhere and done anything. I breathed in the fresh air and grinned to myself. I hadn't experienced that feeling since I had first gone to college. Then I had been driven by my parents and I was sitting in the back, cramped with boxes of stuff all around me, the hard angles digging into my armpit. I stared at the window at all the scenery whizzing by in a blur and although I was uncomfortable I couldn't help but feel happy as I imagined everything that awaited me.
Obviously going to a small town isn't quite the same as going off to college but it was going to be an adventure, and I hadn't had one of those in a long time.
The more I drove the more I got away from other cars as we all went our separate ways. Eventually I turned off on a small road (thankfully the town, although small, was signposted) and it was just me and the trees and the wide, open fields. As I looked out I saw some animals grazing and I instantly knew that I had made the right decision because that was something that I never would have seen in the city.
Being out in the world reminded me how colorful it was. The city was all drab and gray. The buildings looked the same and they had no personality to them, or if they did it was a stern, stoic one. Out here there were green trees and yellow fields. The sky was blue and the sun was golden. Flowers fluttered as I drove by, and then I entered the town. There was a small sign welcoming visitors. It billed itself as the friendliest town this side of Canada, and I wondered if that was an official designation. But I would find out shortly.
I slowed down and weaved my way down the main high street. It was like I was going back in time, back to good ol' Anytown USA. A group of kids were cycling down the street and a few people were milling about. It was the middle of the afternoon and everything had a wholesome vibe about it, a far cry from the noir city I had departed from. There was a barbershop with a red and white pole protruding from the sign, a cinema called The Majestic, which was showing classic movies along with the new releases. It had an ornate entrance and lived up to its name. The stores all had their doors open, and with my window rolled down I could hear the people inside conversing with each other. It seemed like eve
ryone knew everybody else, and that's exactly what I needed.
I pulled up by the corner of the road and stepped out on the sidewalk, surprised at how clean it was. A row of trees stretched ahead in front of me, the green leaves almost glowing with happiness. Across the road was a park, from which I could hear much laughter, and in the distance I could just about spot a fountain. I turned around; there were two roads that split off in opposite directions, no doubt leading to more cute stores. I placed my hands on my hips and inhaled deeply. The air smelled sweeter here than it did in the city, and I was only interrupted from my reverie by a woman greeting me with a friendly hello and a smile. I almost didn't respond, such was my surprise for in the city saying hello to a complete stranger like me that would have come across as peculiar. But I smiled back and nodded, and then I made my way into the corner store, which seemed as good a place to start as any.
But little did I know that from the moment I stepped into that store my heart was going to be captured by an angel.
Chapter 6
I stepped inside the store and was greeted by the smell of fresh fruit and vegetables. Then I heard the sound of laughter and saw a lady with a stroller talking to the store clerk, and as my eyes fell across her I was paralyzed. She was the personification of loveliness, soft, milky skin and long tresses of blonde hair. Her wide eyes looked out at the world with innocence and her smile was radiant. She had full lips and a heart-shaped face. She glowed with an energy that completely intoxicated me, even from that distance across the store. I felt myself drawn to her but I also felt my cheeks flush crimson with something akin to fear. Although I had often found women attractive, and occasionally they had even crept into my nighttime fantasies, I had never felt such an instant, intense attraction like that before.
