by Logan Jacobs
The four waiters all looked over.
“Chaz!” They yelled at the same time as if he were Norm entering the place where everybody knew your name known as Cheers. Chaz waved to the waiters and led us over to a table near the back. All three of us sat.
“You’re a popular guy, Chaz,” I said and picked up a menu written in an alien language I couldn’t read.
“Huh?” He uttered, surprised. “Oh, yeah. Chorz, that cousin I told you about, he owns the place. It’s very good.”
“I bet,” I agreed, “but, I can’t read the menu.”
“Oh, you don’t need to,” Chaz said excitedly. “I already ordered for us.”
I looked over at Artemis nervously. She shrugged and raised her eyebrows.
“Don’t worry,” Chaz laughed, “I didn’t order anything weird. I read your minds to figure out what you like to eat.”
I saw Artemis stiffen.
“Really?” I asked and hoped to cut off a reprimand from Artie.
“Yeah, yeah, but just your food tastes,” he said as he took his utensils out of the tight little roll they had been in, snapped his napkin, and tucked it into his buttoned-up shirt collar neatly. “I would never read anyone's deep dark secrets or anything. That would be very uncool.”
I could tell Artie wanted to say something but after looking at how cute Chaz was with his napkin all tucked in, and the happy look on his face she let it go.
“Thank you, Chaz,” she said and tucked her own napkin into the front of her jumpsuit. Not to be the odd man out, I did the same.
A second later one of the little waiters dropped off three ornate champagne flutes filled with bubbling pink liquid and a basket of warm pastries. I took a sip of the liquid, and the bubbles burst with blasts of cherry flavor as it passed over my tongue. A very pleasant and calming warmth spread throughout my body.
“This is nice,” I said to Chaz.
“Oh, it tickles,” Artie said as she wiggled her nose after taking a sip. “Mmm, yes, I like this very much.”
“Good,” Chaz said with an infectious smile. “Try some Tarsem bread with Uga-Luga butter.”
“If you say so,” I obliged and popped a big piece of the still steaming, flaky bread slathered with a blue buttery like substance into my mouth. It was rich, creamy and salty all at once. There was a little crunch to the crust as I chewed. It was incredibly satisfying.
“Chaz,” Artemis said through a mouthful of the bread, “I’m sorry I was rude to you the other day in the gym.”
“It’s okay, Artemis,” Chaz said with a shrug. “My kind is well aware that we can be a bit… overzealous in our exuberant excitement about friendships.”
“Yeah,” she continued as she shoved more bread into her mouth. Dribbles of blue butter ran down the side of her mouth. “You can. But that shouldn’t be held against you. Good friends are hard to find.”
“Truth,” I echoed as I put another piece of the bread into my own mouth and motioned for Artemis that she had butter on her mouth. Instead of wiping it away with a napkin, she stuck her tongue out and licked it up which made me giggle. I realized that we were both more than a little drunk after just half a glass of the bubbly liquid. “Hey, Chaz, what is this stuff?”
“It’s similar to Earth champagne,” Chaz answered as he swirled the liquid around in his own glass and took a big gulp. He didn’t seem to be affected by it at all. “Mixed with an illicit drug I believe you call ecstasy? It’s not that drug, obviously, but it's very similar. My kind use it for celebrations and as a social lubricant.”
“Chaz,” I said and smiled goofily as a wave of intense fondness and connection washed over, “I’m pretty sure I’m going to be mad at you tomorrow but right now I love you, man.”
“Yes, man, I love too you,” Artie said and hiccupped and laughed. We both gave Chaz a giant hug that went on way too long. The little blue nugget smiled like a kid on Christmas morning.
We were still hugging when a waiter brought three plates of food and set them down on the table.
“Psst,” I whispered very loudly to the waiter, “I love you, too.”
“Chaz,” the waiter said and looked over at Chaz, “did you give them Bubble-Nubble?”
“Maaaaaybe,” Chaz responded and grinned like a lug.
“Ugh,” the waiter grunted. “Just make sure they don’t do it on the table, okay? Chorz will have my hide if that happens again. We’ve already met our copulation on tables limit for the day.”
“I will. They won’t,” Chaz said with a nod of his head. “Promise. Hey, guys, as much as I love the hugging. We should probably eat.”
“Mmm, food,” I hummed and looked down at my plate. There were small two-bite size medallions of meat with a long thin bone protruding from one end that surrounded the edge of my large plate, maybe nine in all. They had a dark wine purple sauce drizzled over them and were sprinkled with coarse blue flakes that looked like Kosher salt. In the center of the plate were what looked like little fingerling potatoes, only they were dark brown, with tiny pink carrots, and bright orange sauteed spinach. I could smell hints of garlic and rosemary along with a strange alien spice that was similar to cinnamon. The whole plate smelled incredible, and I wanted it in my face hole all at once.
I looked over and Artemis had her face about an inch from the surface of her plate and took in large inhales of the aroma through her nose.
“This. Smells. Incredible!” She yelled into the plate.
“Ohh-kay,” Chaz said a little nervously, “that’s enough Bubble-Nubble for you two. You guys should eat. It will help. Also, I’ll order some double Frothy-fine for later. It will counteract the Bubble-Nubble.”
“Okay,” I mumbled through a mouthful of meat-chop. It was so delicious, like lamb only without the gamey-ness and had the perfect amount of fat. The sauce was some kind of wine reduction that was sweet and bitter at the same time and had hints of Syrah. I only knew that because I had a girlfriend who got really into wine after seeing Sideways. I pretended to know what she was talking about whenever she would talk about bouquet and mouthfeel. Ha, mouthfeel. But really all of it just tasted the same to me after half a glass anyway. The fingerling things were a cross between a gold potato and a turnip which, while sounding kind of awful, was actually really good. The pink carrots tasted like carrots, only pink.
We spent the next few minutes eating and moaning and moaning and eating. Soon the plates were empty and I had to stop myself from picking up the one in front of me and licking it like a flat ice cream cone. The Bubble-Nubble must have been wearing off because I stopped myself before I did.
Artemis sat back and let out a big belch.
“Oops,” she said, a bit embarrassed, and covered her mouth with her hand. “Sorry. That was really good.”
“I’m glad you guys liked it,” Chaz said with a self-satisfied grin. “Ohh, dessert.”
The waiter came over and took our empty plates away while another waiter set down three small porcelain. cups of thick, dark, coffee-like liquid and a platter of assorted tarts the size of poker chips. He then proceeded to spoon a granulated white substance into each cup and stirred vigorously.
“Thank you for not having intercourse on the tables,” he said to us as if he were presenting the check at the end of the meal. “Chorz sends his affection, Chaz, and to you as well Champion Havak and Ms. V-Five. The meal is on the house. Just please mention us the next time you have an interview on the needle-cast.”
“Sure thing,” I said, “this was amazing. You might just want to give out a warning with the Bubble-Nubble.”
“Agreed,” the waiter said. “Although most species can handle it fairly well. Human and human-derived life forms are another story.”
He turned and went off to tend to another table. I picked up the steaming cup of black liquid and brought it gingerly to my lips and took a sip. It was hot but not scalding and was very sweet at the offset with a dark, rich, chestnut flavor as it went down. Instantly I felt vibrantly awa
ke, and my mind spun up at about a hundred miles an hour.
“Whoa,” I uttered and set the cup back down. After the Bubble-Nubble experience, I was going to take this one slow. “That is powerful.”
“Yes,” Chaz said as he downed his entire cup in one gulp. “I would recommend sipping or you could have a stroke.”
“Duly noted,” I said with a nod. Made sense. I picked up one of the little tarts that had a dollop of fruit jelly on the top and popped it into my mouth. The flavor was like a blueberry on steroids mixed with watermelon. I quickly picked up another and ate it as well. “Okay, you might need to take these away or I’m going to eat all of them.”
Chaz and Artie giggled as they ate some as well. Soon the plate was empty, and I felt full, yet alert and incredibly satisfied. Kind of like couples smoking after sex in old movies.
“We should probably get back to the Hall of Champions,” Artemis said as she sipped her Frothy-fine and wiped her mouth with her napkin. “Chaz, thank you so much for saving us earlier and for this incredible lunch.”
She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. He got so flustered and happy I thought his head was going to explode.
“Yeah, Chaz,” I said as I wiped my own mouth, “this was incredible. You are totally the best, buddy. And, as it turns out, my best buddy.”
I gave the little blue munchkin a hug around the neck and a fake noogie. He giggled like a toddler.
“You are both very welcome,” Chaz eeked out when he finally got himself under control. I don't think I’d ever seen anyone so happy in all my life. “My kind has a hard time making friends, which is why some biologists think we developed our telepathy, and you guys are good friends.”
“No, Chaz,” I said in all seriousness. “You are a good friend.”
I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed having friends since being named Earth’s champion. I’d had a few on Earth but no close friends really since high school. My two best buddies from back in the day had both gotten good jobs and moved to the other side of the country. One was in Los Angeles as an entertainment lawyer with his life partner, and the other worked as a big-wig ad exec in Chicago. So, while Chaz could be a bit overzealous, he was still the closest I’d had to a dude buddy in a long time.
“I’ll head out and get us a hover-cab,” Artemis said and stood from the table.
“No, need, Artie,” Chaz chimed in as his little antennae emerged from his bald blue head and glowed.
There was a poof of blue-black smoke, and the next thing I knew all three of us stood near the command console in the Hall of Champions.
Grizz sat in front of the wall display which had an elaborate skill tree on it. PoLarr stood in the shooting range. She was in the middle of doing a series of quick draw drills with her newly mended right arm. A clay pigeon would fly from one side of the range up into the air, and she would draw her Equalizer as fast as a cobra strike from her right holster and blast it from the sky then reholster it. Nova battled three hand-to-hand combat-bots on the main gym floor. She held one in a headlock, kicked another square in the chest, then flung the one in a headlock into the third. Aurora was on the other side of the gym by herself. She sat cross-legged on the floor with her hands by her side, her fingers in a classic “goat” or “rock-on” sign, as purple dark matter flowed around her. It formed into various shapes, animals, and forms before she morphed it into something else like a patronous from Harry Potter.
As we bamf-ed in we drew everyone’s attention, and they all joined us at the command center.
“Ah, I am glad to see you did not get crushed by the throngs,” Grizz said as he stood up to greet us. He had on a pair of round, wire-framed glasses that made him look uncharacteristically bookish. “I was studying the skill tree to see what the most advantageous upgrades would be.”
“Thanks, Professor Grizz,” I jibbed at my giant trainer.
“That is Warrior Professor to you, Havak,” Grizz shot back with a little grin. “I thought you handled yourself very commendably with Trillium Vou.” He practically spat her name.
“Not a fan of ole T. Vou, huh?” I asked as I grabbed a seat to get a better look at the skill tree.
“No,” Grizz responded. “I find her as reprehensible as a dung slug.”
“That’s being kind,” Artemis added. “Oh, that woman makes me so angry.”
“I do not understand why you just did not tell her you were sleeping with all of us,” Nova added as if it should have been as easy as saying “my name is Marc, and I like cheeseburgers.”
“To be fair, sugar,” Aurora drawled as she took a seat next to me. She smelled like anise and leather. “I don’t think any of us do a lot of sleeping.”
I felt my cheeks flush hot. Aurora chuckled and gave me a big kiss on the cheek.
“Very true,” Nova agreed as she thought about it. “On Paladin Prime many knights have many carnal and romantic relationships on and off the battlefield. There is nothing salacious or uncommon about it.”
“Well,” I said as the heat in my face subsided, “it appears that most of the rest of the mega-verse isn’t as advanced as you, Nova. There is a saying on Earth and apparently it holds true elsewhere, ‘Sex Sells’.”
“Oh,” Artemis blurted out, “that’s what that one is. I couldn’t make brain or butts out of that for the life of me.”
“Regardless,” Grizz growled to bring our attention back to the matter at hand, “you did well, Havak. Now, on to more pressing matters, like choosing skills that will keep you all alive so that you may rip out your enemies spines and laugh while their bodies death spasm.”
“Damn, bro,” I whispered.
“Since you survived the last match, and killed the sentry shark,” Artemis said as she glanced at her readouts, “you all get two skill upgrades this time around.”
“I suggest you all take one as a personal upgrade and then decide on one for the alliance as a whole,” Grizz added.
“Excellent idea, Grizz,” Nova said. “My personal upgrade is going to be for speed.”
“Well chosen,” Grizz nodded to her.
“I shall choose Amarug-Kreeg,” PoLarr said as she rubbed her chin with her hand appraisingly. “It is an unarmed combat art from Tartarus Minor. Our planets warred for centuries until peace was forged an eon ago. I had always wanted to learn it. I believe it will compliment my Ar’Gwyn nicely. As I experienced in the last match, I may not always be able to use weapons in combat.”
“Also well chosen, PoLarr,” Grizz said, “I faced an opponent who was an Amarug-Kreeg master and barely escaped with my life. Thankfully it was not a survivor wins all match, and we later became good friends.”
“Well, after careful consideration,” Aurora said as she lounged in her chair, and her purple eyes danced across the branches of the skill tree, “I’m going to go with Ar’Gwyn. My skill with firearms is woeful and after watching PoLarr weave a symphony of destruction with her Equalizers, I wish to learn.”
“I am honored, Aurora,” PoLarr said with a bow of her head. “I will be happy to help you refine the art once it is downloaded.”
“Plus,” I piped up, “with three of us as Ar’Gwyn monks we’ll smoke any greenhorn who dares test us.”
“Looftarian Greenhorns are one of the most peaceful and docile creatures in the universe,” Grizz said with a scratch of his head, “why would you want to smoke them?”
I just raised my eyebrows at him.
“Damn your idiotic language,” Grizz grumbled.
“That leaves just you, Marc,” Artemis pointed out.
“Hmm,” I hummed as I let my eyes play over the skill tree. I saw things like archery, boulder flipping, and sniper skills. As well as a ton of stuff I’d never heard of and couldn't even begin to pronounce. Then I caught a glimpse of a branch and made up my mind.
“Damage Control,” I said with confidence. “From what I can see it looks like it would allow me to bolster my cells with increased energy to withstand greater damage.”
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“Havak, that,” Grizz said as he gave me his one-eyebrow raise, “is an incredibly wise choice. It was one of the first upgrades I chose for myself years ago. If you build on it wisely, you will be able to withstand damage that would eviscerate other champions.
“I was just thinking I’m tired of all the bruising,” I joked, “my skin is very delicate.”
Grizz just glared at me for a moment and then shook his head.
“Okay, now for the team one,” Artemis said with a bit of a wince. Typically this could take hours as we hashed out what we wanted.
“Might I suggest improvised demolitions,” Chaz said confidently from the chair next to me that I hadn’t even noticed he’d sat in.
Everyone opened their respective mouths as if to argue, and then we all closed them and thought about what he’d just thrown out.
“I’m actually fine with that,” Nova said and nodded.
“Me too,” PoLarr added.
“I think it’s a great idea,” Aurora agreed, “add that to my dark matter, and we might be able to make things that have a very big boom.”
“I can be,” I started to say as the excitement built up inside of me, “MacGyver!”
I was met with silence instead of thunderous applause.
“He was a TV character who could make cool shit out of like, a paper clip, some used gum, and a battery,” I explained as I sat back down.
“How would any of that work?” Grizz asked, confused.
“You just had to see it,” I responded.
Just then a small bird flew into the gym and dropped a small cylindrical container into my lap and then flew right back out. We all looked down at the container. There was only one group of people who communicated this way.
The Mob Bosses.
It was their way to prevent hacking. Kind of like Owl Mail mixed with the ravens from Game of Thrones.
