Shakespeare suspected of touching teens
As Operation Yewtree had its remit further extended in 2015 and acquired the services of 400 historians, yet more shameful allegations about Britain’s show business past emerged, including the suggestion, inferred from the stated age of Juliet in Romeo and Juliet, that William Shakespeare may once have touched a teen’s boob. The consequent fury at the Bard’s betrayal of public trust led to a flurry of questions: should he have his knighthood posthumously removed? Who forgot to give him a knighthood? Can he be given one posthumously? Is Shakespeare too talented to be retrospectively shamed? This led to a Guardian editorial calling for a formula to be devised that would balance a dead public figure’s alleged abuses with their artistic achievements and then tell us whether or not we have to take all their statues down: “Jimmy Savile’s talents as a performer frankly wouldn’t excuse him so much as a cheeky knee squeeze. The likes of Shakespeare, Beethoven or JK Rowling can have done whatever the hell they liked.”
The Real Full Monty fetches £2.3m at Sotheby’s
In a sale of film memorabilia, the no clothes the cast of hit Britcom The Full Monty wore at the film’s climax were the star attraction. There was some controversy when the winning bidder said he thought he was buying the clothes the metal-workers had discarded earlier in the scene. “I’d wanted to get my hands on Robert Carlyle’s pants,” complained the anonymous millionaire. A Sotheby’s spokesman clarified: “This lot isn’t the clothes they weren’t wearing at the end – this is the no clothes they were.” Asked if it was a bit “emperor’s new clothes”, he said that “couldn’t be further from the truth. That emperor was a nude man claiming to be wearing clothes. The absence of clothes in this lot isn’t something we’re denying – it’s something we’re celebrating. This is a chance to buy not only a unique, and easily storable, piece of film history, but also a share in the very concept of nudity.”
Reading tourist board sues actress Emilia Fox
“Reading, gardening and butterflies.” That was the answer that an article on the BBC News website quoted Emilia Fox as giving to the question: “Tell me three things that you like.” The Reading tourist board seized on this rare vote of confidence with a high-profile campaign heavily focusing on the popular actress. It was only when the hoardings were up, the local TV commercial shot and the adverts placed in magazines that a videotape of the original interview, which Fox had given nearly three years earlier, emerged. The head of the tourist board explained his horror: “She said ‘reading’ to rhyme with ‘weeding’. The capital letter was only there because it was the start of a sentence. Or what passes for a sentence these days – there was no verb.” He explained his decision to take legal action: “It’s negligence, pure and simple. She knew there could have been transcripts. She could so easily have said ‘Gardening, reading and butterflies’ and there would have been no confusion.”
Schadenfreude bounce in economy follows Hammond driving ban
The 200-point rise in the FTSE 100 share index on the day that Richard Hammond was banned from driving gave economic theorists a lot to think about. “People just loved that story – it was the perfect misfortune for that public figure to undergo and the schadenfreude seriously lifted the public mood for several hours, which added billions to stock prices … Markets are emotional places and we can’t underestimate the importance of this sort of boost at difficult times like these,” said a leading analyst from HSBC. The government was quick to see the potential of this insight and over the next few weeks Cheryl Cole suffered an outbreak of Bell’s palsy, Seb Coe dramatically succumbed to male pattern baldness and Eamonn Holmes got stuck for several hours in the doorway of a branch of Greggs.
Duke and Duchess of Cambridge sex tape goes viral
“I don’t see why the NSA should have the monopoly on surveillance #hypocrisy,” tweeted teenager Obadiah Jenkins (those old names really are coming round again!) from his prison cell.
The self-styled “nerd and wanker” was convicted of several breaches of the European convention on human rights, as well as a violation of French airspace, for filming an intimate royal moment using his Google Android parcel-taped to a remote-controlled helicopter. Jenkins had been holidaying with his parents, Kylie and Han, at a caravan site only a mile from the chateau where the duke and duchess were the honoured guests of a social-climbing Russian kleptocrat.
Royal watchers were appalled by what Obadiah referred to as “the ultimate in royal watching #doingit”, but perhaps the most upsetting consequence was a distressed yet perceptibly aroused Nicholas Witchell attempting to describe the footage on the 10 O’Clock News.
James Bond revealed as Time Lord in new film
“I don’t think we’re really changing anything,” said a spokesperson for Eon Productions. “Just making explicit what has long been heavily implied. There are lots of vampire films where they’re too cool to use the word ‘vampire’, but it’s clear from all the blood-sucking. Similarly, I think the fact that Bond’s face keeps changing and he’s apparently holding down the same extremely physical job after more than half a century makes it pretty obvious that he’s a time traveller who can regenerate.
“We just never see his Tardis because, most nights, he’s pulled. But it’s been evident from the start. For the avoidance of doubt: we don’t envisage a royalty payment to the BBC.”
Gang of cyclists trap a lorry and eat the driver
“It was like something out of Blue Planet,” a traumatised witness said afterwards, “when all the orcas gang up on one humpback whale.”
His wife disagreed: “I think it was more like the Ewok bit from Return of the Jedi – where they attack the imperial walkers. It showed incredibly innovative use of bicycling technology. Except then they ate him, which the Ewoks didn’t do. I was really rooting for them until they ate him.”
The couple had been stuck in slow-moving traffic on London’s North Circular Road when dozens of cyclists sliced through the gridlock and surrounded an Eddie Stobart truck.
“I think they wanted a Stobart,” another onlooker said. “They passed an M&S lorry and an Ocado van and left them both alone.”
Most of the cannibal riders were subsequently arrested but remained unrepentant. “We only ate one of them,” they said in a statement. “They’ve killed loads of us and it barely makes the news but we eat just one of them and suddenly that’s more interesting than Syria or Tulisa’s new tattoo!”
Al-Qaida win the Turner Prize
“Quite simply, they shouldn’t have been allowed to enter,” spluttered Brian Sewell when the controversial decision was announced. His evening was only made worse with the news that, in the absence of anyone from the organisation itself, the notorious terrorists had nominated him to receive the award on their behalf.
When the radical Islamist group expressed their intention to try for the award, eyebrows were raised – and they headed even further towards the art community’s hairlines when the al-Qaida entry actually arrived.
“I think we’d all assumed it would be a video of a beheading or something,” said one of the judges. “So when we were confronted with an adorable watercolour of some gambolling New Forest ponies on a summer’s day, we were taken aback. And of course the very incongruity made a profound statement.”
Valentine’s Day to relaunch as Christmas 2
With the spring came news that, after years of intense and secret negotiation with the world’s various Christian denominations, Google had finally managed to secure the global rights to Christmas.
In an impish masterstroke, the corporate giant made the announcement on 1 April, with the result that humanity’s consternation was mitigated by most people assuming it was a joke. But not since Disney acquired Star Wars has a franchise been exploited with such fearless celerity as, over the summer, the search engine bought Valentine’s Day and announced plans to revamp it as a sequel to the midwinter knees-up.
“What has Santa been doing since Boxing Day?” sai
d a Google spokesman. “The answer is obvious: giving dating tips and making sex toys. We’re going to get him back out on his sleigh spreading a romantic vibe with loads of click-through opportunities to local florists and restaurants. I am in love with this idea.”
Corruption suspected as Cardiff branch of Café Rouge comes third in international restaurant awards
“The whole team was thrilled,” said Gareth Jones, the manager of the popular branch of the French-style restaurant chain. “But then the wind was rather taken out of our sails when Antony Worrall Thompson started comparing us to al-Qaida. I mean, what’s that about? They’re extremist murderers and we’re an affordable brasserie!”
Mr Jones, a practising Muslim, was unmollified by Worrall Thompson’s hasty backtracking: “I only meant that they were similar in terms of being the extremely surprising recipients of awards,” the chef explained at a launch event for his new range of spoons.
“It’s not like we won,” said an exasperated Jones. “We came third. And this is a bloody good branch of Café Rouge – just ask anyone.”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I’d like to thank:
My editor, Laura Hassan, for being consistently encouraging and wise (assuming that it is wise to be encouraging).
Robert Yates and Ursula Kenny at the Observer for editing my column and, in the case of Robert, asking me to write for the paper in the first place.
Luke Bird, Anna Pallai, Kate McQuaid, John Grindrod and Julian Loose at Faber & Faber.
Sara Montgomery and Lindsay Davies at Guardian Books.
My agents, Michele Milburn and Ivan Mulcahy.
Toby Davies, Tom Hilton, Jonathan Dryden Taylor and my brother Daniel Mitchell for reading many of these columns and excising countless pieces of crap.
Robert Hudson for tremendous help on many occasions, particularly in the early days before I really knew how to write things I wasn’t going to read out myself.
And my wife, Victoria Coren Mitchell, whose ideas, advice and jokes have hugely improved many of these columns and are the least of the blessings she has brought to my life.
POST-CREDIT SEQUENCE
This bit is supposed to send you on your way with a warm feeling. A good warm feeling, that is – like after a glass of brandy, not a lapse in bladder control. The fact that too many of the former can lead to the latter’s onset is not the least of the mysteries of the human condition.
I’m not sure mentioning the dehumanising effects of alcohol is striking the right tone. Sorry.
Yes, so imagine a sort of engaging blooper reel of me writing things on my computer and then for some reason bursting out in uncontrollable tearful laughter. Not at my own jokes, I hasten to add – that would be awful. But perhaps at some typo. Maybe I’ve written “boobs” instead of “the euro” or something similarly saucy and incongruous and I lose it because I’m just a regular guy, yeah?
And then the boom comes into shot and a couple of guys in headsets appear, and an arty woman with pens in her hair holding a clipboard, and we all have a good old giggle together, before they hurry off and I try and type “the euro” again, and this time it comes out as “fart” or “gurgle” or “cake” or “George Orwell”. Cue more hilarity and a charming insight into the “process”, which, when all’s said and done, is just a hell of a lot of fun.
Unfortunately, since this is a book, there isn’t the facility for showing video clips, so, as I say, you’ll just have to imagine all that. Unless you’re reading on a Kindle or something, in which case God knows. I dare say you can click on most of the words and buy stuff. I should have mentioned Peep Show more. That brandy paragraph was probably co-sponsored by Courvoisier and Tena Lady.
The other problem, of course, is that this book was written alone so there are no techie colleagues to slap me on the back when I start to smirk. Any blooper giggling occurs unobserved, which is lucky because sitting in a room laughing on your own is, in fiction at least, a sign of unhinged villainy – and, in real life, suggests that social services have dropped the ball as usual.
A friend of mine once lived next door to a woman who just sort of screeched and giggled and yelled for no reason all the time, which was obviously very sad but, much more relevantly, extremely annoying. And the council did nothing, of course. And then her collection of columns was published to sniffy reviews, despite a cover quote of fairly unspecific, but nevertheless genuine, goodwill from a comedian. Not all of this paragraph is true.
Last impressions count – that’s the point. I remember the end credits of Cry Freedom listing all the people the apartheid regime had covertly murdered, and that certainly made it a difficult film to call shit. Although, in fact, it also wasn’t shit and perhaps the list would have seemed wrong if it had been. You’ve got to get it tonally right. Liam Neeson getting the giggles about some squeaky jackboots would not have helped the credits of Schindler’s List and, conversely, a list of the abuses of the British Raj was, in the final edit, cut from the closing titles of Carry On Up the Khyber.
I’m pretty sure I didn’t get this tonally right. I must have overthought it.
LIST OF COLUMNS
When I heard that Piss Christ had been vandalised appeared as “It’s Easter. So what real harm can one little cross do, after all?”, on 24 April 2011
I was deeply offended by something on the BBC appeared as “I’ll tell you what really offends me”, on 4 December 2009
A statement from Madame Tussauds has been causing offence appeared as “We’ve always found Hitler hilarious. The alternative is much more odious”, on 28 August 2011
Robert De Niro has got into trouble for telling a joke appeared as “I’m sorry but this constant demand for public apologies really offends me”, on 25 March 2012
The police have been going through a rough patch appeared as “If you give the police more Tasers, try not to be shocked by the result”, on 21 October 2012
As someone who enjoys food, I’m surprised by how irritable chefs make me appeared as “How dare chefs make such a meal out of people photographing their food”, on 23 February 2014
Have you noticed those special sparkly poppies …? appeared as “There’s no point wearing a poppy if you’re just doing it to be popular”, on 17 November 2013
It’s been a ridiculously long time coming but it’s here at last appeared as “A ‘new’ play by Shakespeare? I’d prefer a new one by somebody else”, on 21 March 2010
Watching paint dry will presumably be among the attractions of Saatchi’s Best of British appeared as “Vote now for Harry’s new squeeze”, on 1 February 2009
One of my least favourite programmes of the 1980s was Why Don’t You …? appeared as “An odd message to find on your TV”, on 7 June 2009
Daytime television on BBC1 has a new slogan appeared as “Where would I be without daytime TV? Having to work, of course”, on 14 November 2010
Harry Potter is like football appeared as “JK Rowling should remember that the less said about Harry the better”, on 21 August 2011
“OK, this is the worst thing I’m going to say” appeared as “Why a Michelin star is bound to be a recipe for disappointment”, on 26 February 2012
There was an amusing photograph in the papers last week appeared as “Mickey Mouse – Jedi knight? I never thought I’d say this, but bring it on”, on 4 November 2012
Laura Carmichael deserves to be congratulated appeared as “Just when Lady Edith thought her luck couldn’t get any worse …”, on 11 November 2012
I was recently infuriated by a study appeared as “So Homer Simpson isn’t a positive role model for kids? Eat my shorts …”, on 16 June 2013
One year ago today the horsemeat scandal broke appeared as “Why all comedians will raise a glass to the first anniversary of horsegate”, on 9 January 2014
If I told you that extreme rightwing activists were using a googly-eyed character appeared as “Me want cookie: the idiot’s guide to being a fun-loving modern fascist”, on 13 April 2014
On reading that Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? has ended its final run appeared as “Who knew I’d be upset when they called time on Millionaire?”, on 9 February 2014
I was puzzled by an advertising hoarding recently appeared as “A confidence trick we can all drink to”, on 19 April 2009
Some time in the 1950s, in a Kellogg’s laboratory appeared as “Truthfulness in advertising? Who knows – it could just catch on”, on 8 August 2010
Half of humanity has received some much-needed assistance appeared as “You flobby slob, now you’re a sex symbol”, on 9 August 2009
A recent newspaper advertisement for Ryanair has a big picture of Robert Mugabe appeared as “Give me Ryanair’s brazen villainy over the bogus compassion of BP”, on 1 August 2010
The private sector is amazing, isn’t it? appeared as “Lesson one: when it comes to the crunch, the private sector knows best”, on 26 June 2011
There’s something fishy about Google’s motto, “Don’t Be Evil” appeared as “Amazon’s tax arrangements are nothing short of a work of art. Bravo!”, on 19 May 2013
As you brushed your teeth this morning, what went through your mind? appeared as “Singalonga Dyson and brush your teeth with chocolate. I dare you …”, on 2 February 2014
The name of the new version of Google’s Android operating system has been announced appeared as “KitKat for Google? Give us a break …”, on 8 September 2013
For as long as I can remember, there have been chocolate bars next to the tills appeared as “Supermarkets are driven by profits, not an urge to keep us healthy”, on 3 November 2013
Thinking About It Only Makes It Worse Page 30
