‘What?’ asked Charlie.
‘I just realized – I am kissing a boy in my college.’
‘And smoking up. You’re one hell of a badass, Mrs Arora.’
‘And you’re one hell of a bad influence, Charlie,’ she said softly, reaching for the top buttons of his shirt.
22
By the time she returned home, it was almost half past eleven at night, a record of sorts because she couldn’t remember the last time she had been out after ten. Charlie was to arrive forty-five minutes later as per their arrangement. She felt deeply sorry for him because he had to wake up early for work tomorrow; but hey, you win some you lose some. And considering the ‘gains’ they had both enjoyed tonight, he was in no position to complain. It had taken quite some time and effort to get the gravel out of their hair.
Very quietly, she inserted the key into her door and opened it. To her enormous surprise, the living room lights were on, and to her even greater consternation, Misha was seated on the couch, stiff and stony-faced.
‘Why are you still up?’
‘I was waiting for you.’
‘Do you know what time it is?’
‘I could ask you the same question.’
‘Misha, it’s late, and you have to go to college tomorrow.’
‘Seriously? After all that’s happened, that’s your main concern?’
And with that, the bubble of bliss popped, and she found herself facing the cold reality, where explanations were due and conflicts unresolved. With a heavy heart, she plopped her bag on the table. ‘Let’s go to my room.’
Without a word, Misha marched out, leaving Anupama behind to turn off the lights and follow her.
She entered her room to find her daughter sitting on the bed, clutching a pillow, lost in thought. The expression on her face – more perturbed than angry – made her look young and vulnerable. Anupama had a brief flashback of all the times she had seen that very same look on her daughter’s face, and each time it had involved a confession or some other private conversation of an equally disturbing nature. She walked in and sat in front of Misha, facing her. Misha’s eyes stayed downcast. For a few moments, neither of them talked, breathing in the silence that surrounded them. Misha turned to look at the framed, wedding photo on Anupama’s bedside table.
‘That’s the only photo of Dad you have in your room,’ she remarked.
Anupama stayed quiet, watching her daughter as she turned back to her.
‘You did love him, didn’t you?’
‘Yes,’ replied Anupama without hesitation.
‘Till the end?’
‘Misha, what I have with Charlie has got nothing to do with your father.’
‘I wasn’t talking about that.’
‘Then why are you asking such questions?’
Misha shook her head slowly, the pillow still clutched tightly to her chest. ‘I know you think I’ve been oblivious, but I’ve not. I knew there was something wrong, even though you both tried your best to hide it from us.’
‘Misha—’
‘I’m not a child anymore, Mamma. I know things. You never talk about Dad, and the few times that I – or for that matter, anyone does – you get disturbed. I had come to regard this distance as a normal part of our relationship, but it doesn’t work anymore. Enough with all the secrecy, Mamma. Just tell me the truth. For once, let us be open and honest with each other.’
Anupama gritted her teeth, trying hard to control her emotions. She could feel the onset of another passionate onslaught, but it wasn’t rage this time. It took her a moment to steady her breathing and calm herself enough to talk.
‘Beta … I love you, and I’ve always wanted the best for you and Nimit … so trust me when I say that whatever I have done or not done, there has always been a reason for it …’ She looked her daughter in the eye. ‘Trust me. The truth doesn’t always make things better.’
‘You’re talking about the affair, aren’t you?’
A chill coursed through Anupama as she stared at her daughter’s expressionless face. She must have misheard. There was no way she could have known about that. She had done her utmost to make sure no one knew, least of all her children.
‘Don’t worry. It’s just me. Nimit has no idea,’ said Misha.
‘H—How…?’
‘I told you. I know things. In fact, I had known it for quite some time, perhaps even before you did.’
Was this entity really her daughter? All Anupama could do was gawp helplessly, for as it turned out, her whole life so far had been one long, farcical illusion of being in control.
‘When did you get to know?’
Misha pursed her lips, her fingers digging deep into the soft pillow. ‘A…a year before he … passed away.’
A year? Anupama had found out just a day before Rajeev’s demise.
‘Then why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you tell me?’ she cried.
‘Because I’m a bitch, okay?’
‘Misha—’
‘He swore me to secrecy. And I could see that he was happy after so long, and that was all that mattered to me … at the time. Trust me, it hasn’t been easy for me at all, because I realized what a horrible thing had been done to you and still having to face you every day … but that’s the way it is. I just … I just wanted him to be happy. Okay? So now you can scream and hate me all you want and … and…’
Her words and anger tapered off as her emotions choked her. Anupama wrapped her arms around her. She could feel Misha stiffening in her embrace, but she held on to her daughter, feeling her shuddering. Slowly she melted in her mother’s arms. Mighty sobs wracked her slim frame. It took a while for the overwhelming guilt to be dispelled and to calm down.
Suddenly, it all made sense. Misha’s unexpected coldness and hostility towards her ever since Rajeev departed, the increasing distance between them and the resentment simmering just beneath the surface … Anupama gently rocked her to and fro as she had when Misha was a young child.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered.
‘It’s okay,’ said Anupama, caressing her hair. ‘It’s okay.’
Misha straightened up, wiping her eyes. ‘It’s not. You didn’t deserve that. He shouldn’t have—’
‘It doesn’t matter anymore.’
‘I don’t know why I still love him and miss him.’
‘Because he was a good father to you and Nimit. And he loved you too.’
A slow smile spread across her teary face. ‘I love you too, Mamma. I know I don’t show it, but … I do.’
‘I know, beta. I love you too.’
‘And I just want you to know that – you have my support, a hundred per cent. I can understand why you didn’t want to let us know about you and Charlie, but trust me, it’s okay. Really, I’m happy for you.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Did you like Mehul?’ she asked shyly.
‘He seemed very mature – no pun intended,’ said Anupama, making Misha chuckle. ‘And I have to admit he handled the situation very well.’
‘That’s just the way he is. Once you get to know him, you will see how special he is, in his own way.’
‘Does he make you happy?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then that’s all I need to know.’
Misha smiled widely, her eyes welling up again as she leaned forward to hug Anupama.
‘I’m so happy,’ she sighed. ‘I can’t believe this is happening.’
Neither could Anupama. They had bonded more in the past five minutes than they had in the past couple of years. Somehow, somewhere deep inside, she had always known a time would come when her children would become her friends. She had never reached that point with her mother, but for some inexplicable reason, she could see it happening in her own family. She hadn’t known how or when it would happen though, and had someone warned her that it would be in this fashion, she would have probably hopped on that train at CST station for real and disappeared ages ago. However, now that
it had, nothing seemed more natural than to be sitting here, wrapped in her daughter’s arms – just two women battling their demons the best they could.
She had her own demons as well, although that was a story which her daughter didn’t need to know, no matter how honest and open she wanted to be.
Later that night, as Misha slept peacefully beside her on her bed, Anupama lay wide awake. The day which she had been trying to forget for so long, had finally come alive and how. There is something rather unfair about memories, she reckoned. The good ones formed and faded easily, while the bad ones were seared into the subconscious forever – every tiny, painful detail painstakingly preserved.
As far as Misha was concerned, her father’s illicit relationship had been an error of judgment, a wrongdoing committed in passion and a moment of weakness. A mistake, to be forgiven and forgotten.
But Anupama knew that Rajeev’s affair was merely a symptom of a much larger problem lurking beneath the surface of their lives – a disorder they were both fairly familiar with. For ‘stability’ is a double-edged sword: on the one hand, it immunizes one against the bumps and blows of an unpredictable future; on the other, it diminishes the pleasure of looking forward to the newness of each day, for you know exactly how it is going to be. That was what was essentially wrong with their marriage. It wasn’t lack of love. It was an over-abundance of stability.
She had dealt with it by resigning herself and making the best of what she had. He had dealt with it by finding adventure elsewhere.
She wished she were angrier, or miserable, or heartbroken, but as Charlie had said, she couldn’t pretend to be something she was not. She did feel resentful, although it wasn’t directed towards her husband. Rather, it was her mother, may her soul rest in peace. She was aware of how ridiculous it sounded. It was her own fault and her own decision. She had not been bulldozed into it. In fact, her mother had opposed the union from the outset. And how right she had been in her forecast! And it was for that very reason that Anupama hated her. Half her lifetime thrown away in trying to prove a point to her mother, only to realize how futile the whole exercise had been, and in the end the only loser in this deal was herself.
The dark truth (the one that had taken eons for her to accept) was that the day she had found out about the affair, she had been relieved, more than anything. It had been right after they had had their usual evening tea and cream biscuits at five thirty. And to give the devil his due, Rajeev had confessed to her himself, as he couldn’t live with the burden of keeping such a huge secret from her anymore. Her first reaction had been shock. Her second had been relief. After such a long time, she had finally found a legitimate and blameless way out of a life that she hadn’t chosen. Outwardly of course, she appeared devastated (perhaps at some level, she actually was), shunning his tears, apologies and explanations, and declaring that they would have to separate because she couldn’t go on with this farcical marriage.
Yet that night, as she lay in bed with her husband, both facing away from each other, the thought struck her that for the first time in years, she had a chance to be something other than what she was. She tried to quell the joyous anticipation bubbling within her, and to convince herself that she ought to be outraged (which to an extent, she was). She thought of her kids and felt extremely sorry for them, for they didn’t deserve any of this misery. Yet, beneath it all, the thought of a new beginning was too overwhelming to ignore. She wouldn’t need to be Mrs Arora anymore. She would be Anupama. She would be free, unfettered by any baggage. It wouldn’t be easy. There would be a lot of pain along the way. But it would be worth it. Filled with these euphoric thoughts, Anupama had shut her eyes, thinking about how the next time she opened them, her life would change irrevocably.
And it did; only not in the way she had imagined.
She had woken up to find Rajeev lying still in bed, his limbs twisted awkwardly, eyes half-open and unblinking.
It had been a massive cardiac arrest, the doctor had declared later. While he was still asleep. There was nothing anyone could do. It was no one’s fault.
And that was true, medically speaking. Medical science only looked at the arterial plaque build-up and cholesterol levels. It didn’t care about the hurtful news one had broken to the deceased right before his death. Hippocrates didn’t concern himself with one’s resentment towards the deceased moments before his unfortunate demise. Medicine and insurance policies could only go so far, couldn’t they? The underlying causes of the cardiac arrest lay in what couldn’t be put down on paper and that was a burden exclusively reserved for her. She had never known who the other woman was and she didn’t care.
On that unforgettable morning, her fate had been sealed. She was going to be Mrs Arora forever. The gods couldn’t have thought of a more fitting punishment.
And then, out of the blue, Charlie happened.
Was there any point to planning one’s life at all?
She glanced at her daughter’s face. She had always been a restless sleeper even as a child – arms and legs twitching, eyelids fluttering, strange little moans, giggles and groans escaping her lips as she dozed fitfully. Sometimes, when her murmurs got too loud, Anupama would walk into her room and cradle her in her arms, rocking her until the turbulence had passed. Rajeev had told her that there was no need. They were only dreams, and the more she fussed over her, the longer it would take her to grow out of it. But she couldn’t resist. Misha wouldn’t remember any of it in the morning of course, when she would cheerfully wish them both good morning and exchange a friendly hi-five with her father.
Tonight, she seemed at peace. A million questions sped through Anupama’s mind, mostly related to how their lives would change now, with all these new developments. However, the only effect all that pondering and contemplation had was to give her the initial threatening throbs of a migraine. Besides, hadn’t she just decided that there was no point in planning anything anymore? There was only one thing left to do, the only thing she could do.
Go with the flow, she chanted to herself, turning off the bedside lamp as she settled in for the night. Just go with the flow.
23
The morning routines done, Anupama began to make a mental checklist of all the people who knew about her and Charlie. She wasn’t sure what she intended to do with it, but it would help to have some clarity, at least.
Her daughter knew.
Her best friends knew.
The dead ex-watchman of her building knew.
And if all that stuff about our loved ones in heaven were true, then so did her ex-husband, her mother, and the rest of her extended family – the thought of which gave her a rather wry, sadistic pleasure. She considered changing Rajeev’s framed picture in the dining room to a more cheerful one. His eyes looked too piercing in this.
And of course, there was Mrs Govindikar. Now, there was a complicated situation. Technically, she knew, but then Anupama had also assured her that she wouldn’t continue with the relationship any longer, a misconception she was probably still labouring under unless she had other spies of whom Anupama was unaware. At some point, she would have to tell her the truth as well. She could plan ahead for it, but then again, what was the point? It wasn’t like she had had to tell any of the others who knew so far. They had all got to know in their own mysterious ways as ordained by destiny. So why not include Mrs Govindikar in that divine scheme of things as well? The universe would inform her, probably at the most inconvenient time possible, going by the current trend.
Her phone buzzed with a message.
Kay: Heyyy just heard. Checked him out too. Ga-yorr-gee-yussss! You, sweetheart, are my new hero!!
Anupama sighed in exasperation. So now Kay knew too. Thanks, Renu.
Given the speed at which Charlie was being accepted within her inner circle, she might as well make him a nominee in her will and insurance policy in the near future.
Breathing deeply, she massaged the tight knots in her neck. She could convince her mind that she wasn�
��t stressed, but her body was a whole other matter. Just as she was contemplating going in for one of those Swedish massages at the local spa, her phone beeped again. With rising dread, Anupama opened the message.
Charlie: Heyy, got an off today. My place in half an hour? I got upma ☺
Anupama smiled, her spirits lifting instantly with relief and anticipation. It being a weekend, her children were still asleep, and if her past experience was anything to go by, they wouldn’t wake up for another hour, at least. She could always tell them she had gone for a walk, if either of them even bothered to ask.
Screw the massage. This was what she needed.
‘God, this is nice upma,’ sighed Anupama.
She was on Charlie’s futon, her legs stretched across his as they both gorged on the free samples from the new south Indian restaurant that had opened two blocks away. As always, he was in his boxers and she, in his oversized T-shirt. She liked the feel of it on her skin after sex and the fact that it smelled faintly of him was an added bonus. Besides, it had seemed like too much effort to look for her clothes in that pile of T-shirts, toiletry, comics, magazines, stationery items and other guy stuff that Charlie had lying around. The rest of his bedroom floor space was occupied by the sealed packing boxes. In his living room, the bean bag, coffee table and couch were the only items that had been extracted from their crates, and they were surrounded by several sealed packing boxes as well.
‘You really need to tidy up your place,’ she remarked. ‘And why haven’t you unpacked as yet?’
‘I have. I just took out all the stuff I need right now.’
‘What’s in those boxes?’
‘Stuff I don’t need right now.’
‘Will you need them later?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Then why don’t you just throw them away?’
‘Just because I don’t need them now doesn’t mean I won’t need them later.’
‘Actually, that’s exactly what it means. Unless you prefer to live in clutter.’
‘It’s not clutter.’
‘Then what is it?’
Charlie Next Door Page 18
