by Debra Holt
“During this time of my life, I missed out on some important things. Things that other people take for granted—like a home and family. I don’t care who you are, how big your name is in lights. Those lights are always turned off at some point. Then you go home. And if you don’t have someone to share it with, well, what’s the point? It can be a very solitary existence.”
“Surely, there have been men in your life that have wanted to offer to share their life with you.” It wasn’t a question, more of a statement of fact.
“Again, it’s difficult to know if someone really cares for you because of the person inside or the persona they perceive you to be. And, in my line of work, you meet men who are very centered on their own careers. They don’t like sharing a spotlight with anyone else. Once in a while, you might meet a man who isn’t necessarily in the business, but it takes someone with a strong sense of their own self to want to take on the crazy world I live in.”
Why had she told him all that? She could kick herself. But it was the truth. Why try to pretend that wasn’t how she felt? She decided to make light of it.
“Anyway, I’m lucky in that I met Angie right after I arrived in the Big Apple. We struggled together so it wasn’t as lonely an existence as it might have been. Enough about me. In case I haven’t mentioned it, and I am sure I haven’t, I do want to say thank you. Thank you for taking me and my crazy friend into your home. And thank you for all the help I know that you have given to Gran and getting her place back together and having her stay here. I admit it was a shock when I first found out about it. And the fact that you two seemed to have grown close over the years. That does give me some peace of mind, knowing she has someone close by since I am so far away.”
“There are no thanks needed. We’ve been a help for each other. Besides, she has a lot more support here in McKenna Springs than just me. You have probably forgotten how close-knit a small community like this can be. And, even though you haven’t been around for a long time, you are still considered one of us, too. This can always be your home… if you ever choose to come back home.”
Home. He looked at her with eyes a girl could get lost in. The whispered words brought her to a place she could feel herself falling over the perilous ledge. Home… that was where he was. And suddenly a knot formed in her throat and tears weren’t far off. That would never do.
“I really should check in with my agent. He probably thinks I dropped off the face of the earth.”
If Clay noticed the abrupt need for her to change the subject, he gave no outward sign.
He kept his own tone even. “Thanks for the lemonade… and for being patient with Joshua. He’s usually a little shyer around strangers. For some reason, he seems to have taken to you. I hope he isn’t being a bother.”
“A bother? He could never be that. Joshua is such a bright and polite young boy. I enjoy talking to him. Although, I sense sometimes you would rather I kept him at a distance.” Might as well put it out there and see what he would own.
“I’m sorry if I was that obvious. It’s just that… well, I don’t want him getting any ideas that you might become more of a permanent fixture around here. Kids sometimes can get some strange notions in their heads. If he gets too close to you, then it will only hurt him when you leave.”
Permanent. He was certainly making it plain what his thoughts were on that subject. She needed that reminder. No matter how civil they might be to each other… it was what it was. Clay was intent on keeping the lines drawn. Fine.
She had wanted to stay in the bubble that had been created around them in the last few minutes of conversation, but the trouble with bubbles… they always burst. His nearness was suddenly bringing another stab of pain in the center of her chest and that also would never do.
“Don’t worry. No one will be hurt when I leave.” She turned quickly and ran up the steps. Not the graceful exit she had envisioned but the only one she could manage.
Chapter Thirteen
How far from the truth already were Kaitlyn’s parting words? There would be a world of hurt when she left and not just for Joshua. As much as Clay had thought he could keep things compartmentalized and hold her at a distance from his heart, it had all been a sham in his own mind. Kaitlyn Russell still held his heart in the palm of her hands. How would he survive watching her leave again? Their conversation had given him a flicker of hope… but hope for what? And then he had said something… something that had changed the tone of everything and brought a glint of moisture to her eyes. Had he hurt her in some way? He’d want to die if he had done anything to cause her pain again. There was just this missing piece of the puzzle he felt deep inside.
Realizing he still held the empty glass in his hand, he climbed the porch steps slowly, intent on going toward the kitchen. Turning the conversation over slowly in his mind again, he entered the house. There had been moments over the last couple of days, and in the conversation they had just had… and then there had been the kiss. That had been his downfall. But she had responded and it had given him a spark of hope. Some of her words a few minutes ago had given him some glimmer of possibility. There was so much about her life in New York that he did not know. Did he have it all wrong? Perhaps she wasn’t that happy in her career? Being happy and being successful didn’t necessarily go hand in hand.
Was she really content in her life? And what she said about a home and someone to share her life with—were they really that important to her? He had no idea what to think. It dawned on him in the next moment there was someone who might be able to shed some light on the whole matter. The right questions might just yield the answers he sought. Clay was just the man to do the interrogation. A smile curved his mouth as he eyed the pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen cabinet. A Ranger on a mission.
“Edie tells me that you’ve been hard at work in here most of the day. I thought you could use a break. That is, if I’m not intruding,” Clay spoke, a smile on his face as he stood in the open doorway of the sun porch, two glasses of lemonade in his hands.
Angie looked up from the sketch pad in her lap and returned her own smile of welcome. “Actually, you have perfect timing. I could use a break. I seem to have drawn a blank in the last few minutes.” Laying the pad on the table, she accepted the cold glass from Clay. “Please pull up a chair and sit down.”
He didn’t need a second invitation. Taking a seat across from her, he took a slow sip of the beverage, his mind zeroing in on an opening. “This isn’t exactly the trip you were expecting, is it?”
“Not exactly, but I guess Texas is kind of growing on me. I can see now why Kaitlyn is so fond of it.” Angie eyed him over the edge of her glass.
Did he sense there was another meaning in her words? She smiled innocently enough at him and he relaxed a bit.
“You’ve known her a long time I guess, since she arrived in New York?”
“That’s right. We both answered the ad for this tiny apartment in Brooklyn. It ended up that we talked each other into sharing it. It certainly made the ridiculous rent easier to cover. You get to know a lot about a person when you share a two room closet of an apartment with them for a while.” She gave a laugh and a rueful shake of her head at the remembered times. “We had a small bathroom with a shower that you would be in a world of hurt if you dropped the bar of soap.” She grinned. “And the larger room was our living room slash kitchen slash bedrooms all in one.”
“That must have been an adventure.”
“It was. It was a bit scary at first of course… big city, new people, lots of competition. But now that we survived it and can look back on it, it was a good time, too. Of course, once our careers began to take off, it was hard to get the time to keep in touch once we managed to afford our own places. But we had vowed two things when we were in that little apartment. When we made it, we would one… not eat another bologna sandwich as long as we lived and two… we’d never let go of our friendship. Now we’re both busy so we only get to see each other for more than a half
hour here and there about six weeks out of the year. We really make it a priority to hold on to our friendship. When I had to make this trip to Santa Fe, I thought it would be a great opportunity to take a road trip. Hence, our being here in Texas. Kaitlyn is a true friend to me, basically a sister I never had and I’ve tried to be the same for her.”
“It’s good that you both get along so well.”
Angie stifled a laugh at that one.
“We have our moments. But, yes, we get along. We look out for each other.”
“That’s good. I guess you both were homesick in the beginning—being so far away from family and all.”
“Well, I lost my family long before I moved to New York.” Something clouded Angie’s eyes for just a moment before it was quickly replaced with a brighter than normal smile.
Clay felt bad for a moment that he had brought the subject up. However, the girl quickly smoothed over the bump, putting the spotlight back on Kaitlyn.
“I know that Kaitlyn had a hard time in the beginning. She was always kind of sad. She’d get these far off looks that I learned to read and not pry into. It was usually when something would have reminded her of her home. I never really knew exactly what it was besides just homesickness, but I always thought there was something… or someone….” Angie just let the last drift off, studying the last bit of ice cube in her drink.
“She never spoke of anyone in particular?”
“Nope.” Angie fixed him with her own gaze. “If there was someone she was missing besides her grandmother, she never told me about it. But you knew her back then—how about you?”
Clay wasn’t sure what she meant. “Me?”
“You’d know if there was anyone she was particularly fond of maybe? Someone who she never quite got over? I mean being from the same small town and all. Surely you have an idea.”
He sat the glass on the table. Clay was pretty shrewd when it came to reading people… most people, most of the time. She had figured him out.
“Nicely done. I think you have a future in law enforcement if you ever want to leave the world of high fashion, Ms. Lord,” he drawled with a slow smile. “You’d be wicked in interrogations.”
Angie threw him a grin and set her empty glass on the table next to his, before leaning toward him in a conspiratorial posture.
“How about you just ask me what you want to know? And if I can answer it, I will.”
Clay decided to lay his cards on the table… or at least some of them.
“Kaitlyn and I parted on not so good terms. I think she has actually hated me for these last dozen years and I can’t blame her for that. I had to make a decision a long time ago that cost me everything to make. I guess I just want to reassure myself it was still the right one.”
Angie considered his words for several moments. “I have no idea what that decision might be and that’s your business. But from where I sit… I see two people still in pain… one of which is my best friend.” Her expression softened. “Kaitlyn never mentioned you… not by name. I could tell there was something painful in her past, but she became very good at keeping it hidden.”
“Is she happy? Does she have everything she ever wanted?”
Angie was quiet for several moments, obviously giving some thought to her next words. “Whether she’s truly happy or not is a question only she can answer. As for her having everything? I don’t think so, at least not yet. I know how much having a home means to her. A place to be grounded in, with someone to care about—a husband and children. No matter what she does for a living, she’s still a woman and we all pretty much hope for the same thing at some point in our lives.”
“I’m surprised there’s never been anyone she’s met in all these years that might make her want to go for that family life? Maybe this Jeffrey I’ve heard mention of a time or two?” The question was difficult to throw out there, but it was the answer that was more dreaded.
“When you’re trying to break into the theatre, there isn’t much time for anything else in your life. When you do make it, well, it’s hard to find the people who want a real relationship with you—other than one that can be hyped for the tabloids or good publicity stunts.” Angie did her best to explain for him. “There were always those actors who fell all over themselves to get her attention, but only a handful ever got more than a couple of dates over the years. As for Jeffrey… I think she needs to be the one to discuss her personal life with you… not me.” She finished with a smile. “I’m sorry if I haven’t given you the answers you’re looking for.”
Taking both their empty glasses in his hands, Clay pushed back his chair and stood up. He smiled his appreciation for her forthrightness. “You’ve helped more than you know. I appreciate your frankness. Now you can get back to work.”
Angie didn’t immediately pick up her pad and pencil. “If you rangers are as tough as they say you are, then I hope you’ll hang in there.”
“I plan to do just that.” He nodded at her and headed toward the door.
“Just a quick question.” She spoke up, bringing him to halt and turn in her direction.
“Are there more like you around and where would I find one?”
Clay tossed back his head and joined in her teasing laughter. He shook his head. “Now that would have to be a mighty brave man.”
Chapter Fourteen
“It’s good to be free of that hospital. I do want to stop by my house before we head out to the ranch.”
Kaitlyn shook her head. “The doctor said…”
“He said to live my life with normal precautions and that’s what I’m doing. I want to check on the progress of things and then I’ll go to the ranch and take a nap before dinner.”
“I know it’s useless to argue with you. If I don’t drive you over there, you’ll drive yourself once we get to Clay’s.”
“Smart girl.”
Not so smart. If she were truly smart, she would be at the ranch; bags packed and ready to hit the road to New Mexico as soon as her gran was tucked in bed. But Gran had reminded Kaitlyn earlier on her arrival at the hospital that Gran needed to talk to Kaitlyn about some things and made her promise to not leave before Gran could do that. Kaitlyn didn’t want to upset the woman. But it was getting harder to be at Clay’s home and to be around him so much. There were too many confusing feelings swirling in her head and heart. Distance would be the answer to putting things in perspective.
Kaitlyn was assailed by so many memories as she pulled the car into the driveway of the three-story, older Victorian home with its soft yellow siding and bright white shutters at the windows. When she had left all those years before, it had been a white clapboard house with green shutters. There were a couple of other vehicles in the drive along with some work trucks also. From someplace inside the house, one could hear hammering. A buzz saw sounded from the direction of the garage.
“I can’t believe how tall the trees have gotten and how the roses have gone crazy with so many blooms,” Kaitlyn commented, walking along the sidewalk to the front porch behind her grandmother.
“Things change as time passes,” Gran replied, slowly climbing the three steps to the porch. At that point, Clay stepped out the front door and Kaitlyn paused.
“Some things get better with time,” he added, with a smile and hug for the older woman. “Should you be here and not on your way to the ranch?”
“You sound like my granddaughter. I am right as rain and fit as a fiddle. Now show me how far they’ve gotten on the kitchen this week.” She curved her arm around his and he didn’t argue the point. Kaitlyn followed behind them through the bottom floor of the house where she had spent her youth. It had been home since the day her parents were buried and her gran had carried her in her arms and stood her in the pink and white room at the top of the stairs, telling her that this was her home now and that was her room. She would always be safe and loved here. And she had been.
Kaitlyn left them in the kitchen with the carpenter who was installing some more ca
binets. Moving up the staircase, she stepped back in time. Her room was just as if she had left it a few minutes before. The bed with the light blue and white dotted Swiss covers and canopy stood beside the bay window with its seat upholstered in deep blue velvet. The photos of pets now long departed still hung on one wall. The other had the large bulletin board she had covered in white material for a high school homemaking project. Moving to stand in front of it, she saw the remnants of the corsage Clay had brought her when he arrived to pick her up for the prom. The withered petals were stilling hanging on, frozen in time forever.
There were notes from friends and a copy of the graduation program stuck in one corner. Most of her personal items she had packed away in boxes that were probably in the attic. The dresser had the embroidered scarf on its top that her Gran had taught her to sew. An old homecoming mum drooped on the corner of the tall mirror. She felt sadness pass through her as she stood looking at remnants of her past. Kaitlyn left the room in need of air and sunshine.
To her happy surprise, the large yard swing still sat under the spread of the huge pecan tree. The seat creaked as she sat down on it gently moving back and forth with the heel of one foot. Leaning against the seatback, her eyes took in the canopy of leaves fluttering in the light breeze. How often had she sat there daydreaming? And then she remembered most of those daydreams centered around one person… Clay Morgan. He was everywhere it seemed.
“Here’s a scene from the past. How often did I come over here and find you seated just like you are now? Your mind lost in some other place.” Clay stood just a few feet away, watching her with a tawny gaze that moved over her with their own set of memories. Kaitlyn sat up, her defenses on alert. The last place she needed to be with him was in the place where they had begun… and where they had ended.
“Too many times to count. I should have kept my head out of the clouds more. Live and learn.”
