by Mike Ashley
The Mammoth Book of
COMIC FANTASY
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The Mammoth Book of
COMIC FANTASY
Edited by
Mike Ashley
ROBINSON
London
Constable & Robinson Ltd
55–56 Russell Square
London WC1B 4HP
www.constablerobinson.com
First published in the UK by Robinson Publishing 1998
Collection and editorial material copyright © Mike Ashley 1998
All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in
Publication Data is available from the British Library.
ISBN 1–85487–530–2
eISBN 978-1-47211-480-8
Printed and bound in the EC
10 9 8 7 6 5 4
Cover design by Pete Rozycki
Cover illustration by Julek Heller
CONTENTS
Copyright and Acknowledgements
INTRODUCTION: Still Crazy After All These Years
Mike Ashley
PEREGRINE: ALFLANDIA
Avram Davidson
PIZZA TO GO
Tom Holt
A MALADY OF MAGICKS
Craig Shaw Gardner
GOLDEN APPLES OF THE SUN
Gardner Dozois, Jack Dann and Michael Swanwick
DEATH SWATCH
Esther Friesner
PRESS ANN
Terry Bisson
TROLL BRIDGE
Terry Pratchett
THE TOLL BRIDGE
Harvey Jacobs
ALASKA
John Morressy
THE CAT WITH TWO TAILS
Terry Jones
A BUNCH OF FAIRY TALES
THE WARLOCK’S DAUGHTER
Anthony Armstrong
THE GLASS SLIP-UP
Louise Cooper
THE DISTRESSING DAMSEL
David Langford
A PAIR OF LOVECRAFTIANS
TENDER IS THE NIGHT-GAUNT
Peter Cannon
SHOGGOTH’S OLD PECULIAR
Neil Gaiman
A COCOON OF OLDIES
LOOKING-GLASS LAND
Lewis Carroll
THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN
Edward Lear
THE DISADVANTAGES OF MIND
James F. Sullivan
A QUIVER OF SPOOKS
THE RETURN OF MAX KEARNY
Ron Goulart
THE UNPLEASANTNESS AT THE BALONEY CLUB
F. Gwynplaine MacIntyre
A FORTNIGHT OF MIRACLES
Randall Garrett
APHRODITE’S NEW TEMPLE
Amy Myers
THE FIFTY-FIRST DRAGON
Heywood Broun
THE BOSCOMBE WALTERS STORY
Robert Rankin
FALL’N INTO THE SEAR
James A. Bibby
THE CUNNING PLAN
Anne Gay
WAR OF THE DOOM ZOMBIES
Richard A. Lupoff
THE TALE OF THE SEVENTEENTH EUNUCH
Jane Yolen
AN EYE FOR AN EYE, A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH
Lawrence Schimel
QUEEN OF THE GREEN SUN
Jack Sharkey
WU-LING’S FOLLY
Alan Dean Foster
MEBODES’ FLY
Harry Turtledove
THE RETURN OF MAD SANTA
Al Sarrantonio
RUELLA IN LOVE
Molly Brown
BEEN A LONG, LONG TIME
R. A. Lafferty
COPYRIGHT AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Every effort has been made to trace the owners of copyright for the stories reprinted here. If anyone believes there has been an inadvertent transgression of copyright please contact the editor care of the publisher. The editor would also like to hear from anyone who believes they own the copyright for those authors whose estates have proved impossible to trace.
“The Warlock’s Daughter” © 1937 by Anthony Armstrong. First published in The Strand Magazine, January 1938. Reprinted by permission of the author’s estate.
“Fall’n Into the Sear” © 1998 by James Bibby. First printing, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Press Ann” © 1991 by Terry Bisson. First published in Isaac Asimov’s Science Fiction Magazine, August 1991. Reprinted by permission of the author and the author’s agent.
“The Fifty-First Dragon” © 1921 by Heywood Broun. First published in Seeing Things at Night (New York: Harcourt, Brace, 1921). Copyright expired in 1977.
“Ruella in Love” © 1993 by Molly Brown. First published in Interzone, October 1993. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Tender is the Night-Gaunt” © 1998 by Peter Cannon. First printing, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Glass Slip-Up” © 1998 by Louise Cooper. First printing, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of Wade and Doherty Literary Agency as agents for the author’s estate.
“Peregrine: Alflandia” © 1973 by Avram Davidson. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, August 1973, and subsequently incorporated in Peregrine: Secundus (New York: Berkley Books, 1981). Reprinted by permission of the Virginia Kidd Agency, Inc., on behalf of the author’s estate.
“Golden Apples of the Sun” © 1984 by Gardner Dozois, Jack Dann and Michael Swanwick. First published in a slightly shorter version as “Virgin Territory” in Penthouse, March 1984. This longer version first published in The Year’s Best Fantasy Stories: 11 edited by Art Saha (New York: DAW Books, 1985). Reprinted by permission of the Virginia Kidd Agency, Inc., on behalf of the authors.
“Wu-Ling’s Folly” © 1982 by Thranx, Inc. First published in Fantasy Book, August 1982. Reprinted by permission of the Virginia Kidd Agency, Inc., on behalf of the author.
“Death Swatch” © 1996 by E
sther Friesner. First published in Castle Fantastic edited by John DeChancie and Martin H. Greenberg. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Shoggoth’s Old Peculiar” © 1998 by Neil Gaiman. First printing, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“A Malady of Magicks” © 1978 by Craig Shaw Gardner. First published in Fantastic Stories, October 1978. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“A Fortnight of Miracles” © 1964 by Randall Garrett. First published in Fantastic, Stories of the Imagination, February 1965. Reprinted by permission of the Tracy Blackstone Literary Agency on behalf of the author’s estate.
“The Cunning Plan” © 1998 by Anne Gay. First printing, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Return of Max Kearny” © 1981 by Ron Goulart. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, December 1981. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Pizza to Go” © 1998 by Tom Holt. First printing, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Toll Bridge” © 1988 by Harvey Jacobs. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, March 1988. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“The Cat With Two Tails” © 1992 by Terry Jones. First published in Fantastic Stories (London: Pavilion Books, 1992). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Been a Long, Long Time” © 1970, 1998 by R. A. Lafferty. First published in Fantastic Stories, December 1970. Reprinted by permission of the author’s estate.
“The Distressing Damsel” © 1984 by David Langford. First published in Amazing Stories, July 1984. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“War of the Doom Zombies” © 1971 by Richard A. Lupoff. First published in Fantastic Stories, June 1971. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“The Unpleasantness at the Baloney Club” © 1998 by F. Gwynplaine MacIntyre. First printing, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Alaska” © 1989 by John Morressy. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, March 1989. Reprinted by permission of the author and the author’s agent, the William Morris Agency.
“Aphrodite’s New Temple” © 1998 by Amy Myers. First printing, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author and the author’s agent, Dorian Literary Agency.
“Troll Bridge” © 1992 by Terry Pratchett. First published in After the King edited by Martin H. Greenberg (New York: Tor Books, 1992). Reprinted by permission of the author’s agent, Colin Smythe, Ltd.
“The Boscombe Walters Story” © 1996 by Robert Rankin. First published in A Dog Called Demolition (London: Corgi Books, 1996). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“The Return of Mad Santa” © 1981 by Al Sarrantonio. First published in Fantasy Book, February 1982. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“An Eye for an Eye, a Tooth for a Tooth” © 1994 by Lawrence Schimel. First published in Young Blood edited by Mike Baker (New York: Zebra Books, 1994). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Queen of the Green Sun” © 1959 by Jack Sharkey. First published in Fantastic, May 1959. Reprinted by permission of Pat Sharkey and the agent for the author’s estate, Samuel French, Inc.
“Mebodes’ Fly” © 1992 by Harry Turtledove. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, July 1992. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“The Tale of the Seventeenth Eunuch” © 1992 by Jane Yolen. First published in Aladdin: Master of the Lamp, edited by Mike Resnick and Martin H. Greenberg (New York: DAW Books, 1992). Reprinted by permission of the author and the author’s agent, Curtis Brown, Ltd, New York.
INTRODUCTION:
Still Crazy After All These Years
Mike Ashley
INTRODUCTION THE FIRST – FOR THOSE
WHO DON’T READ INTRODUCTIONS
INTRODUCTION THE SECOND – FOR THOSE
EXPECTING A SILLY INTRODUCTION
No, I’m sorry. You’ve got the rest of the book to laugh at. You’re not laughing at my introduction as well. This is the one chance I get to say something, and I mean to say something sensible.
INTRODUCTION THE THIRD – FOR THOSE
EXPECTING A PROPER INTRODUCTION
“Beauty,” they say, “is in the eye of the beholder.” That’s probably true about humour as well. Well, not in the eye, maybe in the ear . . . or is it the brain . . . ? Well, no matter, what one person finds funny, another may not.
So, I can’t guarantee that every story in this book will make you laugh, but I’d be very surprised if most of them don’t. I’ve cast my net far and wide (or should that be deep?) to bring together many of the best writers in the world of comic fantasy. There are the ones you’re bound to know – Terry Pratchett, Tom Holt, Robert Rankin, Terry Jones, Alan Dean Foster. And maybe the ones you’re just getting to know – James Bibby, Esther Friesner, Neil Gaiman, Craig Shaw Gardner. Then there are the ones you don’t want to know – um, no, we’ll leave them out of it.
There are certainly some you ought to know. I’ve been reading fantasy fiction for over thirty years, and there are many delightful stories tucked away in old books and magazines by writers who are not as well known as they should be. Some, like Anthony Armstrong, Avram Davidson, Jack Sharkey and Randall Garrett, are, alas, no longer with us, but we can still have the pleasure of reminding ourselves just what great writers they were. Others, like Harry Turtledove, John Morressy, Richard Lupoff, Harvey Jacobs and Ron Goulart, are, thankfully, still with us, and still producing excellent stories – and they should be better known, too.
I’ve coaxed a few writers to this book that you might not immediately associate with humorous fantasy. Amy Myers, for instance, the renowned writer of Victorian/Edwardian mystery novels, has an irrepressible sense of humour which jumped at the opportunity to express itself. Louise Cooper is best known for her sinister occult fantasies, and doesn’t get much chance to trip the light fantastic. Terry Bisson is the award-winning author of several off-beat stories, some of which are darkly comic.
I hope I’ve included something for everyone. About half the stories are set entirely in fantasy lands and half set in an almost recognizable here and now (or there and then in some cases), so I’ve alternated the settings more or less with each story.
If you like your stories in the style of Terry Pratchett, then you also want to try the stories by Avram Davidson, Craig Shaw Gardner, Esther Friesner, John Morressy, James Bibby and Molly Brown. If you like your humour a little on the dark side, then check out the stories by Lawrence Schimel, Jane Yolen, Al Sarrantonio and Harvey Jacobs. If you go for the off-beat story, then try the ones by Terry Bisson, Anne Gay, Tom Holt, Harvey Jacobs, R.A. Lafferty and, for that matter, Edward Lear. If you’re into spoofs, then check out Anthony Armstrong, Louise Cooper, David Langford and Peter Cannon. Or, if you just like to laugh at the world about you, then try Neil Gaiman, Robert Rankin, F. Gwynplaine MacIntyre or Al Sarrantonio.
I hope most of the stories will make you laugh out loud. Others will make you smile. All, I’m sure, will entertain.
Okay, even a proper introduction has to end, and I’m sure you’re all the better for reading it. Now you can join the others in the rest of the book. They won’t be that far ahead of you.
Mike Ashley
PEREGRINE: ALFLANDIA
Avram Davidson
Avram Davidson (1923–93) was one of the great treasures of fantasy and science fiction. He was critically acclaimed, winning all kinds of awards, and for forty years produced his own style of idiosyncratic stories which earned him a vociferous cult following. There is a profusion of material I could have drawn upon. I was originally tempted to use one of his bizarre stories featuring Doctor Eszterhazy, set in an alternate world just prior to World War I. A number of these will be found in The Enquiries of Doctor Eszterhazy (1975). In the end, though, I found myself irrestistibly drawn to this opening sequence from Peregrine: Secundus
(1981), which Davidson wrote originally as a separate story. This was a sequel to Peregrine: Primus (1971), set in the last days of the Roman Empire. It might be history, but not as we know it.
The King of the Alves was taking his evening rest and leisure after a typical hard day’s work ferreting in the woods behind the donjeon-keep, which – in Alfland – was a goodish distance from the Big House. It was usual, of course, for the donjeon-keep to be kept as part and parcel of the Big House, but the Queen of Alfland had objected to the smell.
“It’s them drains, me dear,” her lord had pointed out to her more than once when she made these objections. “The High King isn’t due to make a Visitation this way for another half-a-luster, as well you know. And also as well you know what’d likely happen to me if I was to infringe upon the High Royal Monopoly and do my own plumbing on them drains, a mere pettiking like me.”
“I’d drains him, if I was a man,” said the Queen of Alfland.
“And the prices as he charges, too! ’Tisn’t as if he was contented with three peppercorns and a stewed owl in a silver tassy, like his father before him; ah! there was a High King for you! Well, well, I see it can’t be helped, having wedded a mouse instead of a proper man; well, then move the wretched donjeon-keep, it doesn’t pay for itself no-how, and if it wasn’t as our position requires we have one, blessed if I’d put up with it.”
So the donjeon-keep had been laboriously taken down and laboriously removed and laboriously set up again just this side of the woods; and there, of a very late afternoon, the King of the Alves sat on a hummock with his guest, the King of Bertland. Several long grey ears protruded from a sack at their feet, and now and then a red-eyed ferret poked his snouzel out of a royal pocket and was gently poked back in. The Master of the Buckhounds sat a short ways aways, a teen-age boy who was picking the remnants of a scab off one leg and meditatively crunching the pieces between his teeth. He was Alfland’s son and heir; there were of course not really any buckhounds.
“Well, Alf, you hasn’t done too bad today,” the royal guest observed after a while.
“No, I hasn’t, Bert, and that’s a fact. Stew for the morrow, and one day at a time is all any man dare look for to attend to and haccomplish, way I look at it.” The day was getting set to depart in a sort of silver-gilt haze, throstles were singing twit-twit-thrush, and swallows were flitting back and forth pretending they were bats. The Master of the Buckhounds arose.
