by Amy Clipston
“Ach, mei liewe.” Mamm sat on the edge of the bed and touched Veronica’s cheek. “I’m so sorry to see you hurt like this.”
“I feel so lost, Mamm. Jason is funny and sweet. He’s a wunderbaar man, but I’m a mess. Why would he want someone like me?”
“He sees the wonderful, sweet maedel you are. You’ll get through this, mei liewe. Don’t give up on yourself.” Mamm pulled Veronica into a hug and rubbed her back. “I know how you feel, and you can’t give up on love. You will love again. The pain will get easier, and you’ll realize that you’re allowed to love again. You won’t see Seth every time you close your eyes, but you’ll still cherish the gut memories.”
Veronica looked up at Mamm. “But I don’t want to forget Seth. I still love him.”
Mamm touched her chin. “You’ll always love him and remember him, but you’ll move on. Let yourself grieve. Allow yourself time to feel the pain, and then move past it.”
Veronica nodded. “Okay.” She sniffed, trying to hold back more threatening tears.
“I think you need a cup of tea.” Mamm held out her hand. “Come downstairs with me, and I’ll make us some.”
“No, thank you. I want to stay up here for a while and listen to the rain.”
Mamm hesitated and then nodded. “All right. I’ll give you some time alone, but I’m going to check on you later.”
Veronica nodded before her mother disappeared from her room. Closing her eyes, Veronica prayed that Jason would recover from her rejection. Her emotions were in shambles for hurting him, and she hoped they both would recover soon.
JASON STOWED HIS BUGGY IN THE BARN AND THEN LED HIS horse, Maximus, to his stall. The aroma of rain mixed with dust, animals, and hay assaulted his senses as his body shook with a mixture of anger and despair. In a fit of utter agony, he kicked the barn wall with all his might. A loud thwap! echoed throughout the large barn, and he hollered as pain radiated through his foot.
Tears clouded his vision as his foot throbbed. He hopped on his good foot over to a bench and sank down before pulling off his shoe and rubbing the injured toes. Jason took long, deep gulps of air in an attempt to catch his breath and ease the soreness.
He had spent the long ride home pondering why Veronica had rejected him. Although he’d been nervous on his way to her house, he had never in his worst moments of doubt imagined that she would turn him down. Their attraction had been palpable at the youth gathering last week. Veronica had shared her secrets and intimate emotions with Jason, and they had laughed and joked like old friends. It seemed only natural that Veronica would want to take their relationship a step further and become more than friends.
Why had Veronica suddenly changed her demeanor toward him? Had he done something wrong? Had he pushed her? He’d gone over the conversation again and again during the ride home, and he couldn’t come up with anything. He supposed she could tell he was about to ask her to be his girlfriend, and if she wasn’t ready . . . But she was already upset when he got there. Had she decided before he’d even arrived to reject their friendship?
His attention moved to the stall where Maximus watched him with curious eyes. “What’s gone wrong, Max?” Jason whispered, as if his horse might hold the answer to the mystery.
The horse whinnied and nodded his head.
“Jason?” Dat appeared in the doorway, holding a lantern. “I thought I heard a crash. What happened?” He craned his neck and looked at Jason’s foot. “Are you hurt?”
“I kicked the wall. I think I may have broken a toe or maybe even my foot.” Jason nodded toward the wall as his foot continued to throb.
Dat tilted his head in question. “Why would you do that? You know that hurts, right?” He smiled at his attempt to make a joke, but his amusement quickly disappeared. “Something is wrong.” He sat down next to Jason on the bench. “What is it?”
“She said no.” Jason’s voice hitched on the last word.
Dat’s eyebrows knitted together. “I’m sorry, but I’m not sure who she is. You have to be more specific. Who said no to you, and what was the question?”
Jason heaved a deep sigh and looked at his sock while massaging his injured toes. “I asked a maedel to be my girlfriend tonight, and she said no. I’m stumped. I really thought we had a special connection, but I guess I didn’t read all of the signs correctly.”
“Ach, I’m so sorry, son.” Dat clicked his tongue. “It’s not easy when a maedel turns you down. I’ve been there more than once, actually. Your mamm wasn’t my first girlfriend, but she was worth all the emotional pain I faced before I met her. You’ll meet someone else, and you’ll realize what true love is supposed to feel like. I know it hurts right now, but it will get better. You just have to be patient.”
“No.” Jason’s tone was sharper than he’d planned, and Dat’s eyes widened. “I know she’s the one. I can feel it in my soul, and I’m certain she feels it too.”
Dat shook his head. “If she felt the same way, then she wouldn’t have said no. You can’t force someone to love you.”
“I know that.” Jason gingerly pulled on his shoe, wincing at the searing pain that shot through his toes. “She didn’t seem like herself tonight. She wasn’t the funny, genuine maedel I’ve seen over the past couple of weeks. She was upset. She seemed as if she didn’t want to say no, but she had to. She told me she wasn’t ready to be my girlfriend, but her eyes seemed as if she wanted to tell me yes.”
“Why would she say no if she really meant yes? That doesn’t make any sense.”
Thunder rumbled outside while the rain continued to drum on the barn roof.
“It’s complicated,” he said. He wasn’t sure he wanted to tell his father the whole story.
“Jay, you’ve lost me. I don’t understand how it’s complicated. She either wants to date you or she doesn’t.”
Jason cupped his hand to the back of his neck. “She’s Seth’s fiancée.”
Dat paused, processing this information. “Are you talking about Seth Lapp?”
“Ya.”
“Jason, you realize Seth has been gone only a few months.”
“I’m quite aware of that,” Jason muttered.
“Then you should be sensitive to the fact that she may not be ready to see anyone else yet.” Dat paused. “Were you freinden with her before his accident?”
“No,” Jason said softly. “I met her after the accident. I went to her bake stand to get her raspberry pies.”
“Oh.” Dat fingered his long beard. “So she makes those appeditlich pies.”
Jason nodded and frowned when he recalled the two pies he’d just brought home for his mother. Were they the last pies he’d ever receive from her? Would she even talk to him if he went back to her bake stand?
“Did you know she was Seth’s fiancée when you went to her bake stand?”
“Ya.” Jason couldn’t lie to his father. “Well, I didn’t know she was the maedel who made those pies until after I got to the stand. I realized who she was when I saw the sign and then heard her schweschder call her Veronica.” He rested his hand on his aching foot. “I know she just lost Seth. I miss him, too, and I’m sensitive to her grief. At the same time, she and I clicked. She makes me laugh, and I make her laugh. She’s schee and funny and schmaert. I know she feels the same deep connection I do, and I can’t let her go. I just can’t. I feel like I have a hole in my heart now.”
Dat shook his head. “I’m sorry she hurt you. If you truly believe you share a strong connection with her, then you should keep trying to convince her you belong together.”
“How?” Jason’s voice reverberated with desperation.
“Find a way to show her how much you care for her. Visit her as often as you can. Make her something or give her something to show her how you feel. She’s hurting right now, so tell her you’re willing to wait as long as she needs you to before she’s ready to date again.”
“Ya, that makes sense.” Jason felt a spark of hope ignite in his soul. His frown
deepened when he realized it would never be that easy. “There’s another issue, though. I haven’t been completely honest with her.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve never told her I saw her at the visitation at Seth’s mother’s house,” Jason began. “She thinks we met for the first time when I came to her bake stand. I hadn’t actually met her at the visitation, but I remember her clearly. She has no idea I knew Seth. I know a lot about her because of Seth, since he talked about her constantly.”
Dat grimaced. “She has no idea you knew Seth?”
Jason shook his head. “It was Mamm’s idea for us to go to the Fisher bake stand for those first pies, and I originally planned to express my condolences if she turned out to be the right Fisher. But when I met her, I couldn’t even bring myself to tell her who I was, let alone that I was Seth’s freind.”
“Why?”
“I was attracted to her right away, and I was afraid it would be so emotional for her that she wouldn’t want to get to know me.” Jason glared at the offending wall where he’d injured his foot. “I thought I could tell her eventually, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was so afraid of losing her by telling her the truth, but in the end, I lost her anyway.”
Dat fingered his beard again, more thoughtfully this time. “If you truly care for her, then you need to fight for her and also be honest with her. Be the freind she needs right now and help her through her grief. Don’t push her. Just be there for her. But also tell her the truth. She needs to know you were freinden with Seth. She deserves to know you were there when he died.”
Jason nodded as the glimmer of hope brightened a tiny bit. “I can be her freind.” But I don’t know how to tell her the truth.
“If you want her to trust you, she has to know the truth.”
“Ya, I know.” Jason shook his head as dread consumed him. “I’ve made a bigger mess than I ever meant to.”
“It will be all right.” Dat patted Jason’s shoulder. “Have faith, and be the freind she needs.”
“I will. Danki, Dat.”
Jason stood and walked carefully on his throbbing foot as he followed Dat through the barn. He retrieved the pies from the buggy before walking with his father toward the house. Jason limped through the mud as the rain soaked through his shirt and trousers. His toes ached, but it was the pain of losing Veronica’s friendship that stole his breath.
When they reached the kitchen, Jason placed the pies on the counter for his mother before hobbling up the stairs to his room. He considered telling his mother about his failed visit with Veronica, but he was too emotionally drained to rehash it once again. He just wanted to be alone.
After taking a quick shower and changing into his shorts and undershirt, Jason crawled into bed. His conversations with Veronica and his father replayed in his thoughts. He couldn’t shake the notion that Veronica had wanted to tell him yes. He was certain Veronica did care for him. His father’s advice to be her friend was the best plan for him to follow. He recalled Seth telling him some of the things Veronica loved. He would shower her with gifts, and he’d be her friend and support her while she grieved. And, most importantly, he would find the courage to tell her the truth.
Jason breathed in a deep, ragged breath and prayed he could convince Veronica that he cared enough to wait as long as it took for her to accept him into her precious heart.
CHAPTER 11
JASON GUIDED HIS HORSE UP THE FISHER’S DRIVEWAY THE following Saturday afternoon and halted it by the bake stand.
Though the Closed sign was not up, no one was in the bake stand, and he stared at the gift bag beside him as he tried to decide what to do next. He had set out early that morning and visited the Bird-in-Hand Farmers Market to buy a vanilla-scented candle and a pink umbrella. Next, he visited the Good Books bookstore in Intercourse and purchased two Christian novels he hoped Veronica hadn’t read. Last, he stopped by the Bird-in-Hand Bake Shop for two homemade pretzels.
Jason had spent most of last night working on the letter he included with the gifts. He’d written and rewritten it four times before settling on the version he’d signed and slipped into an envelope before dropping it into the bag. Then he lay awake worrying how Veronica would react when he arrived this afternoon. Would she reject him? Would she speak to him but then coldly rebuff his gifts? Or, worst of all, would she refuse to see him at all?
He got out of the buggy, saw the sign saying customers should knock on the door, and walked slowly toward the front porch. He gripped the handle of the gift bag. When he reached the door, he took a deep breath and knocked.
VERONICA’S HEART RACED IN HER CHEST WHEN SHE HEARD the clip-clop of a horse coming up the driveway. She felt sure even without looking that the buggy belonged to Jason, so she had sprinted inside the house before he could see her. Peeking out the kitchen window, she spotted him climbing from the buggy and holding a large pink gift bag. She gnawed her lower lip, silently debating if she should speak to him. She longed to apologize to him for rejecting him, but she couldn’t risk losing her heart to him.
Jason walked toward the door, and her courage faltered. She rushed through the family room toward her parents’ bedroom at the back of the house. She found her mother folding her father’s shirts.
“Mamm,” Veronica said breathlessly. “I need you to go talk to Jason for me. He’s at the door. Tell him I’m not feeling well and I’ve gone to bed for the day.”
Mamm frowned. “You should speak to him yourself. Just tell him you need some space.”
A loud knock sounded from the front of the house, and Veronica’s pulse leaped like a horse running through her father’s pasture at a full gallop.
“Please, Mamm.” Veronica folded her hands as if she were praying. “I don’t have the strength.”
“He doesn’t want to see me,” Mamm said. “Why don’t you talk to him?”
“Mamm, I’m begging you to handle this for me.” She pointed toward the shirts. “I’ll finish folding these for you.”
Another knock sounded.
“Fine.” Mamm held up her hands in surrender. “I’ll talk to him, but I’m not going to outright lie for you, and he’s going to want an explanation sooner or later.”
“Danki.” Veronica squeezed her mother’s hand. “I will talk to him eventually. I just need some time to sort through my feelings.”
Mamm hurried off, and Veronica sank onto the corner of the bed. She hoped her mother could say something to Jason to convince him to give up on her. She needed to stay away from him. She knew if she looked into his honey-colored eyes again too soon, her determination might crack, and she just might tell him yes.
JASON KNOCKED A THIRD TIME AND THEN TURNED TOWARD the harness shop located across the pasture. He considered walking over there to see if perhaps the family was in the store helping her father with his work. His intuition told him, however, that Veronica most likely was in the house. She had to be nearby since her bake stand was clearly not closed, and if she wasn’t outside, then she was probably hiding from him. The notion sent disappointment coursing through him.
The door opened, revealing Veronica’s mother. He recognized her from that day at Seth’s visitation and when he saw her again with Emily at his district’s church service. She smiled at him as the warm and sugary smell of raspberry pie mixed with freshly baked bread wafted from inside the house. Someone had been busy baking this morning, and he suspected it had been Veronica.
“Gude mariye,” she said. “I’m Mattie. How are you?” Her smile was wide, almost a little too cheerful.
“I’m fine, danki. And you?” Jason shifted his weight on his feet. He doubted he needed to introduce himself.
“Fine, fine.” Mattie gestured toward the bake stand. “Are you here for one of Veronica’s pies? Veronica isn’t up to managing sales today, so I’m helping her with her bake stand.”
His stomach twisted. This was just what he’d been fearing—the dismissal. If Veronica truly was not up to working in h
er bake stand, then who had been baking earlier? “I’m sorry to hear she’s not, uh, feeling well. I was hoping to talk to her. I have something for her.” He held up the bag.
“Oh, isn’t that nice.” Mattie reached for the bag. “I’ll be sure to give this to her.”
Jason frowned. “Is she okay?”
“Oh, ya.” Mattie waved off the question. “She just isn’t feeling her best today. She’s resting, but I promise she will receive this.”
“Danki.” Jason handed Mattie the bag, but frustration washed through him. He wanted to see Veronica’s expression when she pulled out the gifts. He had to trust that his father’s advice would work and Veronica would see the gifts, read the letter, and realize that he wanted to be her friend and her supporter. He longed for her to realize their relationship should have a chance. “How many pies would you like?” Mattie asked. His heart sank as he realized she was not even going to invite him in.
“One is fine.”
Mattie disappeared inside. He craned his neck and peered through a window, wondering if he would spot Veronica standing just out of sight, blatantly avoiding him. When he didn’t see anyone lurking there, he began to wonder if Veronica truly was ill, and his frustration was replaced with worry.
“Here it is,” Mattie said as she returned to the porch.
Jason pulled out his wallet and paid her, and she handed him the pie.
“Danki for your business,” Mattie said, still sounding a little too upbeat. “I’ll let Veronica know you were here.”
Jason paused and contemplated her expression. He wanted to know the truth, and he couldn’t stop the question as it leaped from his lips. “Mattie, is Veronica avoiding me?”
Mattie sighed, and her smile faded. “I’ll walk you to your buggy.”
She was going to tell him the truth. The tension in his shoulders released slightly as they walked together toward his horse.
