But the question of why we are not allowed to commit suicide has haunted me. Aren’t we free to choose our lives and to seek the best path? What if you are in a dark tunnel and see nothing at the end of it but darkness? How long will you seek light when there is no light? How long will you seek refuge from tyranny when your land is forever occupied? The one common thing in life is sorrow. We may struggle and fight against it, but it will always seek us out. It requires quite an effort to get busy living, but it takes only a single moment of honesty with your own self to calm your alarm about death. Death is the ultimate end and the only truth about the fascinating nicely narrated fairy tales of life. Life’s justice is injustice in the sense that all the false jewels are disguised under the promising, eye-tricking image of diamonds. Do you see life as just when there are people like me, with all the mental ability to achieve anything in life and yet striving for some unattained happiness, while there are others who are fascinated and in love with life, who would struggle to attain a single skill but still fail to do so? Would it not be right if my intelligence had been given to that hard-working guy who would use it to its full extent to bring something useful to life, while I was left with that man’s poor mind to die on the side-lines of life?
People may look at suicide as a sign of weakness and lack of will. They ignore the fact that it is one of the choices people might take under circumstances in which, if those critics were dropped in, they would follow the same path that is followed by those they criticize. Suicide represents the freedom to control our life the way we see fit. It is not, it seems, about some enticement; it is a conscious choice of healthy sanity. Rebels we were born, and we shall keep that flame alive. We shall say what we believe we need to say, and we shall die as we choose to die.
When you read a story and get attached to a character in it, you just wish to see that character win and be victorious at the end of the story, but not every character’s end tends to please us. For me, the end of Jude Fawley in Jude the Obscure was irritating and outrageous, but seeing it from the other point of view, it was the best the author Thomas Hardy could have done with him, and to expect any other end for such a fighter in life would have stolen the whole integrity of his character. Jude’s death dignified the agony of his life. Werther is a fascinating character in The Sorrows of Young Werther, but he, in a heart-breaking scene, decides to take his own life. Werther demonstrated the truth of the fact that when you really feel life, you feel its pains. It is the honesty of the character that created a loud resonance among those who felt him. The problem with some people is that they like to just throw empty criticism and judgments that add nothing to the fact that suicide is just an end like any other form of death. Aren’t brave soldiers encouraged to go to wars, knowing in advance they will be slaughtered, as long as the combat is for a sacred principle? Shall we consider those soldiers weak and negatively sensitive? If we see and believe that we are a burden on life, if we are no longer needed in life, if we seek and fail to find a longer-lasting beam of encouragement to cling to life, shall we not seek for our weeping suffering souls a shelter that may provide eternal peace?
They say that in life there are two kinds of people, sinners and saints, but that all depends on the way we perceive it. One may be treated as a saint while committing sins with full consent, while others may be looked at as sinners while adding only good deeds to life’s narrow basket. Some criminals may believe themselves to be messengers of God, while others woven into society and buried in temples may see themselves as no better than any mere sinner. Well, “saint” is a useless word when spoken of someone on earth in order to justify some of the sins we commit when comparing our deeds with those we embrace as saints. Saints should be the foundation on which to judge our behaviour. There are no saints here. We are all just damned sinners. We are nothing but shadows and dust. A simple farmer committing suicide is no more a sinner than a priest, dressed in a godlike dress to conceal his true image.
I am now reaching the end of this story that I have been working on for the past month. My day has come. I don’t know what I have left behind or if there is anything worth tracing. Fang is so cute when asleep; my heart throbs just looking at her. I would make her all the origami shapes I have mastered, and they would bring her temporary happiness. I would play guitar for her, and she would dance for me.
Last night she asked me when we are going to get married. It is the question with no answer, and the guilt of a lie would be so heavy if I promised her anything in this regard. I gave her my word that I am not going to leave her again. It is an oath that I am not going to break. I will be taking her with me and saving her from abandonment and the cruelty of life.
It is five minutes to five in the morning. The first arrows of the sunlight have started to rise. A fresh tickling air just announced its visit through the small open window in front of me, spreading inside the stony perfume of the mountains. Yesterday night I dressed Fang in a new dress that I purchased, a long sleeveless dark green, and I am dressed up now in simple full black. In a couple of minutes, I will be taking Fang with me off the cliff that started growing some green plants last week. It may be a painful way to die, but it is what I have chosen. It may look so unromantic, but I don’t seek any romanticism in death. I am leaving this book on the table. Remember that this book isn’t meant to send any hidden message. It is mainly the story of my life, in which all the pearls have been mixed with tears.
Adieu pain…
Also by the same author:
Secret Feelings published by Dorrance Publishing Company, US.
About The Author
Abdulla Kazim is a native of the United Arab Emirates. He holds a bachelor’s degree in Business Information Technology from Dubai Men’s College. Currently he is living with his wife and child in Dubai and works as a programmer in Dubai Aluminium Company.
1 “The Sound of Silence” by Paul Simon, 1964.
MEMORIES from the EAST Page 21
