by Drew Hunt
“We were happy, so happy,” Colin said softly.
Then he remembered getting a call on his mobile phone. Pulling over in his delivery van, he’d looked at the screen. Seeing it was his number, Colin had expected Martin to ask him to pick up something for their tea, or some other trivial request. He’d asked Martin not to call him too often at work, as it was company policy not to drive whilst using a mobile phone.
“Martin, I hope this is important,” Colin had said after pressing the TALK button. All Colin had been able to hear at the other end was weeping. “Martin?” Colin’s heart had started to race. “What’s wrong?”
“Toby’s dead. He got run over a few minutes ago.”
A knock on the bathroom door interrupted Colin’s thoughts, which was probably a good thing, because the angry stream of words which Martin had yelled down the phone always caused Colin’s heart to ache. Martin had apologised later, but the words still hurt, and Colin knew Martin still meant some of them.
“Room for a little one?” Matt’s voice came through the door.
“It depends how little,” Colin replied, sticking his head outside the shower curtain.
“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” Matt joked. He was in a good mood after catching up on a five-year separation with his half-brother.
Matt and Harry had the same father, but when Matt’s mother divorced their father, a two-year-old Matt had been shipped off down-under with his mother to try and make a new start.
Colin stretched forward and unbolted the door. He then resumed his shower.
After relieving himself, Matt flushed the toilet, which caused the shower to spurt out a burst of hot water, all the cold water being diverted to the toilet.
Colin yelped.
“Sorry, mate, didn’t realise it would do that,” Matt said, peeking round the shower curtain. “Well, I can see you inherited the family donger, then,” Matt said, looking at Colin’s impressive, though now soft, appendage.
“Uncle Matt!” Colin said, covering himself up.
Matt laughed as he left the bathroom.
Colin finished his shower, dried off and went back into the bedroom. Martin had undressed and was under the quilt, facing away from Colin, giving him the impression he didn’t want to talk. Sighing heavily, Colin unwrapped the towel from his middle, pulled on a pair of briefs and got into bed, leaving an uncomfortable space between himself and Martin. Rather than risk offending his partner by saying anything, Colin closed his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep.
* * * *
A loud thump brought Colin fully awake; something was wrong. Glancing at the bedside clock, he noticed it was just after half past two in the morning. Looking over at Martin’s side of the bed, he saw an empty space. Colin’s protective instincts went onto full alert. He leapt out of bed and rushed onto the landing.
“Martin!” he called out. Hearing a muted noise coming from around the corner, Colin went to investigate. He saw Martin trying to stand whilst holding onto the banister rail. “Oh, Martin, love.” Colin advanced on Martin and helped him up.
“I missed the fucking step. Whoever designed this bloody house wants shooting.” It was necessary to take a step down before turning the corner, and then take a step up again to get to the other side of the house.
“Why didn’t you wake me?” Colin asked.
“I should be able to take a fucking piss without having to have my hand held,” Martin said, feeling his ankle.
“But it’s a strange house. It’s not like ours.”
“I bloody know that now,” Martin said, wincing at the pain.
The noise the two were making must have woken the others. Harry poked his head out of his and Avril’s bedroom door, Matt too was looking on the scene.
“It’s all right. Please go back to bed,” Colin said; he knew the fact Martin had an audience witnessing his misfortune wouldn’t help soothe his frayed nerves. “Come on, love, the bathroom’s over here.” Colin helped support Martin’s weight as he hobbled along.
Colin lead Martin to the toilet, Martin always found it safer to sit down to pee. “I hate being so bloody dependant, Col. I’m an adult, I shouldn’t have to ask for assistance to go to the bog.”
“It’s all right, precious. You do bloody fantastically well most of the time.”
“I just feel so useless. It’s worse since Toby died.”
“I’m sorry.” Colin knelt in front of his partner and hugged him. He knew Martin was suffering, but couldn’t offer any words of comfort, he’d exhausted them all months ago. “I love you, Martin. I just…well, I love you.”
Martin slowly pulled himself together. “I’m such a baby.”
“No, love, you’re not. You’re the most wonderful and brave man in the world to me.” Colin began to rock Martin in his arms. After a few minutes he said, “We’ll get you back to bed, then I’ll go and find you an ice pack for that ankle.”
“Sorry to be such a burden. I hate being like this.”
Colin kissed Martin’s eyes. “You’re no burden to me. You’re my Martin, and I wouldn’t change a thing about you.” Reaching for the toilet tissue, Colin said, “Now give me a big blow.” Despite his sadness, Martin couldn’t help giving a brief smile. Colin kissed the top of Martin’s head. “I think Mum will have a bag of frozen sprouts. If we use them on your ankle, she won’t be able to serve them up on Christmas Day, so you’ll be doing us both a favour.”
Martin smiled again.
“There. You look much better when you smile.”
“Thanks, Col.” Martin put his arms around Colin’s waist and gave him a squeeze.
“You’re welcome.”
“Okay, I’ve done here,” Martin said attempting to get to his feet. However, he buckled when he tried to put weight on his left leg.
“‘Sor-right, Martin, I’ve got you.” Colin took most of Martin’s weight. They made their way back to their bedroom, Colin then put on his dressing gown and went downstairs in search of something to put on Martin’s ankle.
On his way back upstairs, Matt met Colin on the landing. “Everything okay?” he whispered.
“Martin’s hurt his ankle,” Colin said. Indicating the bag of sprouts, he added, “Hopefully this will help. Poor thing’s really suffering—emotionally, I mean.”
Matt put a hand on Colin’s shoulder. “I hope things get better for you both soon, mate.”
“Yeah.” Colin hoped they would too. It hurt him deeply to see his man so low.
* * * *
Martin hadn’t been able to get a great deal of sleep; the bag of sprouts had been very cold, and he also was feeling remorse at how badly he’d treated Colin over the past few weeks.
“You feeling any better today, love?” Colin asked when Martin opened his eyes.
“Not much, no.”
“Want the bathroom again?”
“Yeah, thanks.” Colin clucked around Martin as he hobbled along the landing. Martin bit back an angry comment that was on the tip of his tongue when Colin offered to put some toothpaste onto Martin’s toothbrush. Colin was trying to help, but was going too far, smothering what little independence Martin had.
After breakfast, Colin asked Martin if he wanted to go out for a drive. “I could give you the guided tour of the city if you like?”
Martin didn’t feel up to it. He knew Colin meant well, but Martin just wanted to curl up and go back to sleep and wallow in self-pity.
“You ought to get out a bit,” Colin said. “We haven’t been anywhere since…well, not for a few months.”
Matt spoke up. “It’s okay. I’m still feeling jet-lagged. I’ll stay and keep you company, if that’s okay?”
“Thanks,” Martin said.
* * * *
Colin walked into the kitchen. He could tell Martin was still close to the edge. He hoped spending time with the family would bring him round. Colin decided to go out anyway, he wanted to see if he could find something really special for Martin’s present. Martin ha
d claimed he didn’t want anything.
“I’ve got my mobile phone with me; the number’s on the pad. Please call me if he needs me,” Colin said to Matt, who had followed him into the kitchen.
Matt nodded. “It’ll be all right, mate.
Colin wasn’t so sure.
* * * *
Matt went back into the living room and saw Martin slumped in one corner of the settee. Sitting next to him, Matt came to a decision. He hoped Colin would forgive him if it all went wrong, but he had to try; he knew both men were hurting.
“Martin, if you don’t think I’m being a sticky beak, can I ask you something?”
“Err, yeah.” Martin sat up.
“Do you love Colin?”
Martin was obviously taken aback by the question. “Yes, of course I do.”
“You know you’re hurting him. Although he puts on a tough, ‘nothing affects me’ type of image, inside he’s a really caring bloke.”
“I know. I’ve lived with him for five years.” Martin was getting worked up.
“So why are you so distant to him?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Martin said peevishly.
“I think you need to. Not just for Colin’s sake, but for yours, too.”
“What’s it got to do with you?”
“I’ve always had a close bond with our Colin. I was the first person he came out to. I don’t know,” Matt shrugged, “I’ve always thought of myself as his protector.”
“Colin doesn’t need anyone to protect him.”
“He does. We all do from time to time. He feels responsible and very guilty for what happened to your dog.”
“He left the gate open.”
“Do you think he did it on purpose? Did he set out to deliberately leave the gate open, knowing your dog—Toby, wasn’t it?—would cark it?”
“No, but that’s what happened.”
“I realise that. The guilt Colin is carrying round inside is slowly destroying him. And I bet it’s destroying you, too. Colin told me you said you’ve forgiven him for what happened, but you haven’t, have you?”
Martin said nothing.
“Well?”
“It’s none of your business.”
“Probably not.” Matt sighed. “But is it worth it? I mean you hanging on to the bad feelings, because they aren’t doing you any good, no good at all.”
“What are you, some kind of amateur psychologist?”
“Nope, I’m just your average Aussie battler. But I know what damage holding onto guilt, anger, and regret can do to a bloke.”
“Why, did you cause the death of a guide dog?”
Matt took a couple of deep breaths—he wasn’t sure delving into his own skeleton cupboard was such a good idea, but it was too late to back out now. “You know I’m gay, right?”
“Yeah,” Martin said.
“Well, I’m a few years older than you, Martin; I’ll be fifty-five next birthday. When I was at school, there was this kid, Jerry. He had the most beautiful long black hair, and the face of an angel.” Matt hoped he could get through this without breaking down. “Well, Jerry wasn’t what you would call athletic. Most people at our school shunned and even despised him because he was, well, delicate. I come from a little town just this side of the black stump, that might as well be Woop Woop to you. Most of the lads at our school had dads who were manual labourers or worked on sheep stations, that kind of thing. Well, it would be safe to say Jerry didn’t fit in with all those macho blokes.”
“What has this got to do with me and Colin?”
“Jerry loved me, he often told me he did. And yes, I loved him too, in private, when we were alone, I would tell him I loved him as well. But at school I wouldn’t talk to him or go near him, in case anyone thought I was friends with him.”
“Why?”
“I had to keep up my reputation as a straight bloke, a member of the popular crowd and all that. I played rugby, and in our school all the members of the rugby team were thought of as being cool. I even had a girlfriend to help to maintain my straight image. I knew me hanging with the gang and shunning Jerry hurt him very much. But I was so shit scared that the others would think I was gay. You just couldn’t be gay and live at our school.
“Jerry’s love for me was so great, he didn’t complain when I would shun him in public. He didn’t like it, but he understood.
“For his sixteenth birthday he asked if we could go shopping in a mall, have a meal out, that kind of thing. I worried about being seen out with him, so I said no. When his dad had to go into the city for a new part for his Ute, Jerry asked me to go with him; he said we’d be okay as no one I knew would be there. So I agreed to go.
“We had a great time. I remember I bought him a wristwatch, even got it engraved. We looked round loads of shops, went to a movie—it was great being out with him. We both got hungry, and decided to eat at a burger joint. After we’d got our food, I needed the dunny—sorry, the toilet—so I left Jerry at the table.
“When I got back, my mates had turned up and had taken a couple of the tables in the place. Marlene, my girlfriend, was there, too. I knew they would see me if I sat back down with Jerry. They called me over to sit with them; I didn’t know what to do.
“Martin, I’m so ashamed, I chickened out, I was a fucking yellow-bellied bastard. I went and got myself another burger and sat with them. I sat there yabbering with my mates, but I kept sneaking a look at Jerry who looked increasingly dejected, with my uneaten meal sat opposite him. My friends started cat-calling. Jerry wasn’t a popular kid at our school, as I said. It was thought, but no one had proof, that he was gay.”
“You didn’t join in with the name calling, did you?” Martin asked.
“No, mate, I couldn’t do that, but I could tell me snubbing him in public like that, and not coming to his defence, hurt him more than anything else I’d ever done. When Marlene started to kiss me, I looked over and saw Jerry’s face. For as long as I live, I’ll never forget the sadness in his eyes, it was like…like…it’s a sight I never want to see ever again. He ran out of the place. I wanted to go after him, but I knew I couldn’t, not straight away, anyway. After a few minutes I left the place and tried to find him, but I couldn’t. I ended up having to get a lift back home with my mates.”
“I see,” Martin said.
Matt took hold of Martin’s hand. “All that took place on Saturday arvo. I spent the rest of the weekend trying to talk to Jerry on the phone, but he wouldn’t take my calls. I did a lot of thinking that weekend. I realised that none of the macho crap mattered. Jerry loved me, I loved Jerry. Although we would still have to be careful, I wasn’t going to ignore him at school any more. I knew I’d lose some of my credibility, but that was a small price to pay for Jerry’s happiness.”
“So you telling me I ought to shape up and forgive Colin?”
“Yes, you should. But there’s more to the story,” Matt swallowed. “When I turned up at school on Monday morning, I couldn’t find Jerry. He was always at school, he never missed a day. The principal called a special assembly just before lunch. It was then…” Matt choked on his words. “It was then I found out Jerry had gotten hold of his dad’s rifle and killed himself.” Matt broke down completely.
“You didn’t kill him. Matt, you didn’t.”
“I did, I was responsible. If I hadn’t treated him like shit, he wouldn’t have done it. It was my finger on the trigger. I killed him.”
Matt continued to sob, Martin doing what he could to comfort him.
Sniffing loudly, Matt continued. “I know there are differences between me and Jerry and you and Colin, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from it all, it’s that if you are lucky enough to find love, then hang on to it, hang on bloody tight, because it’s the most precious thing in the world. Nothing, and I mean nothing, should get in the way of your love for someone, if that love is genuinely returned.” Matt fished around in his jeans pocket for a tissue. Finding one, he blew his nose. “
You’ve got a chance to patch things up with Colin. It isn’t too late. Please, please let go of all the hurt and anger. I won’t ever have that chance with Jerry.”
The two men held one another, Martin shaking just as much as Matt.
“Jerry left a note, you know.”
“Yeah?” Martin sniffed.
“He said he didn’t blame me. He understood why I couldn’t come out, but he said, he said—” Matt battled not to cry again. “He said that he couldn’t live with the pain of it all anymore. He hoped I’d find someone else, and he told me to be happy.”
The room fell silent for a minute or so, then Martin asked, “Did you find anyone?”
“There was no one for many years. I just wasn’t ready.”
Martin squeezed Matt’s hand.
“Then I tried looking, but no one measured up to Jerry. The head jackaroo on my station, Bruce, we fool around together, you know?”
Martin nodded.
“I think if I let myself, I could fall for him, but I’m scared. What if something happens to him? I don’t think I could face getting close to someone and have them die on me, not again.”
“There’s no reason why that should happen, is there?”
“No, guess not, but…but…” Matt swallowed, he couldn’t explain it to himself, much less someone else. He knew his feelings were irrational, but…
“It’s okay,” Martin soothed.
“Thanks. Look, I’m sorry for sticking my nose in, but I just had to try and rescue you and Colin’s relationship. I could see it was worth rescuing.”
“Thanks. I hope it isn’t too late, though.”
“How do you mean?”
Martin blew his nose. “I’ve been awful to him. Freezing him out, snapping at him. Just being a complete arse-hole.”
“But you are genuine in wanting to patch things up?”
Martin paused for a split second. “Yes. Oh, yes, very much.”
“Good on ya, mate.”
Martin shook his head. “I hope he can forgive me.”
“He will, I’m sure of that. But he’s also got to work on forgiving himself, too.”
