He turned and walked down a dusty trail that led through the cemetery. Occasionally, he would stop to read a tombstone. Mostly he just prayed as he walked.
Chapter 10
Mark had been sitting on the park bench for over an hour contemplating what he had to do. He had been approaching Jessi’s aunt’s house when he saw Jessi and some little kid getting out of a car. It seemed like quite the reunion between Jessi and her aunt. He didn’t know where she was visiting from or why she had moved away, but he saw her unload the suitcases from her car with the help of a little girl and move them into her aunt’s house. He had been on his way to stop and talk with Jessi’s aunt the day he had seen her unpacking the suitcases from her car and decided it was Jessi, not her aunt, that he really needed to talk to. The only problem was he hadn’t been ready at the time. Now, after seeing her at the cemetery, he knew he could not put it off any longer. He had to see her and talk with her. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop that day, but he couldn’t help it. He heard the guilt that was so evident in her voice. He had to relieve her of the burden that she had been carrying for so long. He’d rehearsed the conversation in his apartment until he felt he had perfected it. Prayer was the better solution, but it felt good to at least have a plan.
She was just as beautiful as the day he had married her. After all this time, he still loved her. He had known it the moment he had laid eyes on her unloading that car. He took in everything about her that day. She was wearing a pair of tan shorts, a white pullover t-shirt, and a pair of tennis shoes. He used to laugh at her because she always wore tennis shoes. She couldn’t stand getting her feet dirty. Her hair was in a ponytail, the way she used to wear it when she was working outside in her garden. Was he ready to face her?
The temptation to fall back into his old ways had never been so great as it was at that moment. To have to face the woman that he loved and yet had hurt so badly would be the hardest thing he’d had to do since getting out of prison. But he knew it had to be done. God would not reveal more of his plan for Mark’s life until he was obedient in this one thing.
A drink sure would help make it easier. No! He had to stop these voices in his head, tempting him. Mark quickly pulled out his pocket Bible and began reading. Slowly he felt the temptation slip away, and he felt a surge of God’s power curse through him. This is what Bill meant. When I feel weak, the Word of God will make me strong. Lord, help me be strong in you. No matter what comes of this visit, I know you will never leave me, nor forsake me. While still in an attitude of prayer, Mark followed the leading of the Father and walked from the park to Jessi’s aunt’s house. He stood for only a moment before knocking on the front door.
Meredith stood at the door looking at her ex-nephew-in-law. Should she invite him in? She didn’t really know what to do. Had she stopped to say a quick prayer, she would have gotten her answer, but she was too dumbfounded by his visit to even do that. She just hadn’t expected this. So she said the first thing she thought of: “What do you want?” She sounded rude and extremely out of character, but it was what she felt at that moment.
Mark had expected this, so he didn’t let it deter him. “I’d like to speak with Jessi, if I may?”
Merry eyed him cautiously but seemed to remember her manners. “She’s not home right now. I’ll let her know you stopped by. Although I’m sure that she doesn’t want to see you, Mark. For the past five years she’d been trying to forget you. I don’t think she’s ready to face you.”
“I don’t have a choice, Meredith. This is something I have to do, whether she is ready or not. I’m thinking that if it were up to her, she would never be ready. It’s just something that has to be done. The sooner, the better. I’ve changed, Meredith. I have to take the blame that I placed on her shoulders all those years ago and put it where it belongs. It’s too much for her to carry, and it’s not fair that she should continue. I have to let her know that everything that happened was my fault. I take full responsibility for everything. I blamed her for not being a good wife. I put all the blame on her. I have to rectify the situation. She was a wonderful mother, and I was jealous of the love she poured out on our son. I used that as an excuse for what I did. I have to get that across to her. I know I may end up with a broken and bloody nose. It’s the chance I have to take. Can you understand what I am saying?”
For the first time in six years Meredith’s eyes were opened up regarding this man. While she loathed him for what he had done, she realized that he was no more of a sinner than she was and he was just as forgivable as she was. God was not a respecter of persons. He forgave all those who asked forgiveness of him. Even Mark. She stepped back from the door and nodded her invitation to him to come into her home. She was pretty sure Jessi would not understand this when she found out, as she surely would. But she knew this was of God. And for once, she must be obedient to God where Mark was concerned.
She offered him a glass of iced tea, which he accepted and was grateful. She began to speak with a quiver in her voice. “Mark, I need to ask you to forgive me. I have allowed the pain I have felt over losing Ethan and the great love I have for Jessi to get in the way of doing what God has wanted me to do all along. I have prayed for you to find Christ, don’t get me wrong, but I did it with a wrong attitude. I did it because it was the right thing to do, not because I truly wanted you to come to Jesus. I had heard from a friend that you came to know Jesus while you were in prison, and I was almost sad. I wanted it to be Jessi so bad that I couldn’t find it within myself to be happy for you. That was so wrong of me. Can you ever forgive me, Mark?”
He looked at her with tears in his eyes, unable to do anything more than nod his head. She continued on. “The Bible says that when the least of these gives his heart to the Lord, the angels rejoice. When your name was added to the Lamb’s book of Life, the angels literally had a whooping party. And here I am resentful, begrudging you the very salvation that God granted me so long ago on a day when I thought all hope was lost. I pray that I will never again forget the mercy and grace that I received at the hand of the Father. Oh, Mark, I am so sorry. I will stand by you in prayer and support. Jessi doesn’t know Jesus yet. I’m praying that changes very soon. Until she does, she is not going to be very open to you being in her life. I pray that you will be patient with her. She doesn’t know the heart of the Father like we do. She hasn’t realized that she needs his forgiveness. She blames him for Ethan’s death almost as much as she blames herself, and yet she still finds herself unworthy of his love, and therefore she rejects him to keep from being hurt again. She looks at the possibility of a relationship with him like she would an earthly relationship. Those have all added up to pain for her. Every man who has ever been in her life has rejected her. I know that causes you pain, and I’m sorry for that. But I’m also sure you have come to terms with it. That’s also how she looks at a relationship with God. As if the Father would ever turn his back on her. She doesn’t realize how precious she is to him. I’m trusting that someday she will. I have God’s promise on that.”
Mark too had felt peace regarding Jessi’s faith. “I too know that someday she will reach out and ask for the forgiveness that God offers. I just wish it would be sooner rather than later. I know God is going to use me somehow in all of this. He made that painfully clear to me when he let me know in no uncertain terms that I had to come here to speak with her. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do or say. Does he always work this way? Give little glimpses into his plans but never let you in on the whole thing?” Mark went on, not giving Merry a chance to answer. “I know one thing for sure: he sure is growing my patience. Each time I’m not sure I can take anymore, I remember the words that my chaplain spoke to me the day I got out of prison: ‘Take one day at a time, Mark. One day at a time.’” With that, he stood to go. “I would appreciate any and all the help you can give me, Merry. I treasure your prayers, and I value the wisdom of your words. I also understand your feelings about me in the beginning. I know you were honest abou
t your reaction to me, and I appreciate that. I wouldn’t have expected anything less. I also forgive you. Not because I believe you have anything to be forgiven for—I deserved everything I got—but because you asked for it. I respect you enough to give you what you ask. I too ask for your forgiveness. I have much more to be forgiven for.”
Merry smiled and embraced Mark. “I forgive you, Mark. That much I can do. Forgive as the Father has forgiven me.”
He turned as he walked down the front steps. “I’ll be back every day until she speaks with me. I will be persistent about this. Tell her that for me, would you?”
She gave a slight nod as her assent, and he turned and walked away from what was to be the first of many visits to her home.
Chapter 11
After Mark left, Merry spent the rest of the afternoon on the phone with her prayer group. She asked for each member to be in prayer today, as she would have to speak with Jessi as soon as she got home from her visit with her mother. She had taken Olivia to see her grandmother for the day and would be back this evening before Olivia’s bedtime. After Jessi put Olivia to bed, she would have to tell her about Mark’s visit, and she was afraid it would send her back to Wisconsin as fast as she could get there. Mark did not know about Olivia, and Jessi would do anything to keep it that way. Once she was sure all the ladies were praying, she sat on her back porch and read her Bible and prayed. Even though she knew a major storm was about to hit, she felt as if she were in its eye. It was a strange but peaceful feeling knowing that God was in control of the storms. She was still there when she heard the car pull up. She went to the front door and opened it for Jessi, who was carrying a sleeping Olivia.
“I see we have a sleeping beauty on our hands. A rough day?”
Jessi grinned. “Well, kind of. You know how Mom can be—absent most of your life, but when she decides to play the part she goes to the nines to make an impression. How long has it been since she’s even contacted Olivia, let alone seen her? I just don’t get her, Aunt Merry. Doesn’t she understand that Olivia would just like her grandmother in her life? She would benefit from the relationship too, even though she doesn’t seem to think so. I thought things would get better since she stayed by my side at the hospital. I guess I was wrong.”
Aunt Merry followed her while she carried Olivia to her bed and got her changed and tucked in. “Well, sweetheart, you know your mother as well, if not better than, I do. She has been this way since you were a little girl. That’s why you had a bedroom upstairs at our house and a playhouse out back to play in. She gave you life and felt as if she had done her part as a mother. That was all she was willing to give. And I’m guessing she was feeling guilty today, like she did on a regular basis when you were small. I take it she was overdoing it a bit?”
“You wouldn’t believe it, Aunt Merry. We went shopping, out to lunch, to the zoo, and then out to supper. I put my foot down when she suggested a movie after dinner. I suggested we go back to her house, where she could get to know her granddaughter a little bit. She reluctantly agreed, and when we did get back to her house she didn’t even know what to say or how to act. Next year I don’t think I am going to call her when we come. I just hate to rob Olivia of a relationship with her grandmother. You and I are the only family Olivia has. She needs more, Aunt Merry. She needs more.”
“Well, why don’t we head downstairs and have a cup of tea. There’s something I need to talk with you about, and it has to do with exactly that.” Aunt Merry prayed as she headed downstairs.
Father, please give me wisdom with what I’m about to say. Be my lips, Lord, and speak for me. Guide me, Father. I don’t want to hurt this child that I love so much. Prepare her heart, Lord, so she is open to what she is about to hear.
Merry put the tea kettle on to boil and took two cups down from the kitchen cupboard. She was purposefully slow at her tasks. She added a tea bag to each cup, along with a teaspoon of sugar. She and Jessi had shared so many cups of tea over the years that she didn’t have to ask what Jessi wanted. She added the milk once the tea bag had steeped for a minute, carried the tea to the table, and sat down at the table with Jessi.
“Honey, I’m not going to pull any punches with you here, and you are not going to like what I’m about to tell you, but I don’t have any choice. Mark came by the house today.”
Jessi stood up and sucked in a sharp breath. “I have to go, Aunt Merry. I have to go tonight. He can’t find out about Olivia. He’ll hurt her. I know he will.” Jessi was starting to panic. She was moving her feet but retracing her steps, trying to make sense of all the thoughts that were flooding her mind. “I didn’t even know he was out of prison. I thought he had another year. When did he get out?” She didn’t expect an answer; she didn’t even realize she was speaking out loud.
Aunt Merry stood up and faced her niece. “Look at me, Jessi.” She took Jessi’s face in her hands and turned it so they were looking eye to eye. “We need to sit down and discuss this calmly. You can’t be waking that baby up and taking off and driving in the middle of the night. First of all, you’re too tired to drive all night, and you’d be putting yourself and Olivia at risk. I know that’s something that you don’t want to be doing. Second, he doesn’t even know Olivia exists. He hasn’t seen her, and I certainly didn’t tell him about her. All he wants is to talk with you. Talk with him. Let him tell you he is sorry, and then you and Olivia can disappear. If you don’t talk with him now, he will find you. He told me to tell you he won’t give up. At least if you talk with him now, it will be on your terms. You can set the time and place. If you wait until he finds you, he might find Olivia first. Is that a chance you are willing to take? Do you want him asking questions about Olivia? One look at her, and he’ll know she is his. This is the best way, Jessi. Think about it.”
Jessi sat back down, closed her eyes, and put her head in her hands. “Oh my gosh, you are right. What am I going to do? I can’t do this Aunt Merry. What did he say? What does he want?”
“That’s the first thing I asked him, honey. He said he only wants to talk with you. That’s it.”
“About what? Why does he want to talk with me after all this time?”
Merry took a sip of her tea before answering. “Well, I think he may have wanted to speak with you for quite a while now. You never once opened one of his letters to see what he had to say, and you sent them all back. I’m thinking that may have been a mistake, but there is nothing we can do about it now. You will have to face him, Jessi. It’s the only way he’s ever going to leave you alone. You have no choice but to meet with him. It’s the only way.”
Jessi kissed her aunt good night and went upstairs. She went into Olivia’s room and knelt beside her bed. She watched her daughter as she slept. Nothing could ever take this child away from her. She wouldn’t allow it. She would protect her with all she had as long as she lived and breathed. She kissed her lightly on the cheek before heading into her own room. She didn’t like the idea of meeting with Mark, but she could see the logic in what Aunt Merry was saying. She could always count on the wisdom of her aunt. Her first response would have been to run. Run fast and run far. But Aunt Merry was right. He would have found her, and when he did, he would find Olivia. She had to be smart about this. She had to think.
Jessi sat in her sitting area with only the moonlight shining through the open window for light. She would have to call the prison to find out where he was living. She would start there. She couldn’t imagine they wouldn’t know, but if they didn’t, she would contact his sister. If he was out of prison, surely he would be in touch with her. Even with his drinking problems, the two of them had remained close. She could never understand why. During his trial, Julia had been there to support him. Each day Jessi slipped into the back of the courtroom to make sure Mark paid for his actions. She didn’t want to face him, so she left before he could see her. Once, during a break, she had come face-to-face with Julia. Julia gave her a hug and told her she was sorry, and she wasn’t there to try to
keep Mark from going to prison. She knew he deserved what punishment he received. She just wanted him to know that someone loved him unconditionally. Mark needed to know that someone still cared about him, even though he’d messed up. Jessi had never understood Julia’s way of thinking.
After coming up with a plan of action, Jessi stretched and went to bed. She had decided to get up early the next morning and go running. It was something she hadn’t done in a while but used to do when she was stressed out about something and needed to think. She curled up in bed and eventually drifted off into a sleep that was full of dreams and nightmares. She woke up only once, though she tossed and turned most of the night. She arose at seven the next morning feeling as if she had gotten no sleep at all. She was out the door by seven thirty, running as if her life depended on it. She never would have guessed that her ex-husband had become an early morning person himself and was at that moment on his way to see her. If she had, instead of running, she would have been driving far from where she was, with her daughter safely strapped in the backseat.
Chapter 12
Mark knocked on Merry’s front door at quarter to eight. He had an interview at ten, and it would take him a good forty-five minutes to get across town by bus, so he’d had to start early. A little girl rubbing her eyes came to the front door and said hello.
There was something about this little girl that had been bugging him since he had seen her the first time unloading the luggage from the car. Up close, he knew exactly what it was. She looked just like him. This was his daughter. She had to be. He could see it as plain as day. “Is your mommy home?” he tested her.
Until Forever (Women of Prayer) Page 7
