by N. K. Love
1:12am
When we get home we find our second wind so we carry on drinking… Well, I carry on and Wills plays catch up! I grab the vodka from the freezer whilst Wills gets coke and glasses.
Just over an hour later and I’m easing up just as Wills is finding her buzz. We cook something random in the kitchen, paint our toenails and do drunken handstands up the wall, nearly breaking our necks.
We are now both suitably drunk, sitting on the lounge floor with our backs against the sofa. “Wills, how am I going to have sex?”
She answers in the most patronising tone imaginable “Okay sweetheart, firstly… you remove your clothes—”
“Har har! You know what I’m saying. It’s gonna be flipping weird! Letting another man put himself inside me… it’s just… weird. I mean, I enjoy sex and I haven’t been getting anywhere near enough to satisfy me for months, probably for…. ever if I’m honest, so you’d think I’d be desperate… I don’t know. Maybe it’s just nerves.” Necking back the last of my drink, I fix us another from the half full vodka and coke bottles in front of us on the table.
“Of course you’re fucking nervous babe. You’ve only been with Mike and hey, you let a man put his tongue inside you earlier. Same deal, different orifice!” Finding herself hilarious. “Joking aside, you’ve only just split up, some people take months before they’re ready. But, for what it’s worth, I think your situation is different to your run-of-the-mill marriage breakdown—or is it break up? Anyway, personally, I recommend you dive straight into it. Start as you mean to go on and the nerves will be long gone.” My face tells it all. “You know what I’m going to say don’t you? You’re over-fucking-thinking this! Plus, you’re forgetting that there’s a whole catalogue of sexual things to do in between kissing and actually having sex! Answer me honestly, did you make yourself come better than Mike did?”
“What? What’s that gotta do with anything?” Wills still waits for an answer. “I suppose so… But that’s only because I was alone in bed more often than not so I got in lots of practise. Plus I’ve got a very, very, vivid imagination. That’s not Mike’s fault.”
“I didn’t say it was but you must be eager to find somebody who pushes your buttons better than you do babe.” Wills takes a swig of her fresh drink, puts the glass back on the table and leaves me with that thought whilst she goes to the stereo to change the music.
I think about what we’re saying and Wills is right. In a way, I am looking forward to being sexually active. I just need to get over these initial worries.
Wills spins on the spot to face me, steadying her drunken self so she doesn’t fall off balance. She slaps her palms together in front of her and strums her fingers, like a villain concocting an evil plan. “You know you like being in control of… well everything… and God knows you love being obscenely organised?” I nod with suspicion. “Well this, coupled with your need to explore more about yourself and feel free—”
Then she stands over me and holding her arms out wide, palms up, she proudly declares, “I’ve got a master plan!”
She plonks herself down in front of me, overlapping our legs and picks up her glass again. “We are going to write your ultimate ‘to do’ list EVER! Everything from blowjobs to drugs, from… fucking in public to…… getting a tattoo. It’s going to be your journey to freedom. This’ll help you finally let yourself go so that you can find your true self—” Wills is even more insightful when drunk. Either that or I’m even more gullible! “Not to mention that by the time you’ve finished this list, you’re going to be thoroughly sexually satisfied for the first time in your lovely life and you’ll get that bedroom confidence you deserve! Arghhh, this is fucking brilliant… Whatcha think?” Her smile is the biggest I’ve ever seen it and she looks very pleased with herself!
“Hold on, hold on... So you want us to write a shopping list of sex acts and other random stuff for me to do.” She nods eagerly, her eyes lighting up. “Like a bucket list of fucking and fun before I die?”
“Yes… No… Wait! It’s even better than that. Combine a bucket list with your new attitude; it’s gonna be your Fuck It list of things to do before you start taking life too serious. It’s perfect. It’ll drive you to explore and help you know what you want next in your life. Instead of second guessing yourself, you’re just gonna say Fuck It! So, you up for it B or wah?”
“How could I not be with such an enthusiastic sell? Let’s do this baby!”
We both squeal with a newfound energy. Wills springs up to retrieve a notepad and pen from the side. She resumes her position and turns to a clean page, writing ‘FUCK IT LIST’. She means business.
“Right then, let’s get some obvious ones out the way first…1. Blowjob, 2. Handjob, 3. Cunnilingus, 4. Sex in a workplace, 5. Sex in a car, 6. Sex in the shower…. Care to contribute B? Have a think, I’m just gonna grab us some water.”
Wills returns with two pint glasses of iced water. “Your head can thank me for it tomorrow.”
“My turn… Multiple orgasm... Yes. Please! Get a tattoo? Get a piercing? Have sex on the beach? Erm—” I feel like I’m on a television gameshow. Wills quickly jots them down.
“Good, good, okay that’s ten. My turn, just shout out if I say anything you’re not interested in… Phone sex, cyber-sex or sexting, you know, text sex. Erm… Oh oh yes, tantric sex.” She’s scribbling away then thinking with her pen in her mouth. “Get stoned, use food or ice, oh duh… 69… Right, let’s get more adventurous…”
“W-w-w-w-wait a minute. Hold on, my brain’s tryna catch up here. Please clarify ‘use food or ice’? What planet are you from Wills? Those are really ‘a thing’?”
“Yeah of course… But you’re right, it could be crap or it could be exciting, guess it depends on how creative you are, and who you’re with of course!”
My fuzzy head is working overtime again, trying to take in all of Wills suggestions and think of my own. “I’ve never kissed a girl—”
“Beth-a-ny, is that an invitation? We could strike that one off right now—” She giggles. Reading my ‘Pssh, as if!’ expression she continues, “Okay, I like your thinking. That’s seventeen, what about things like being tied up and tying somebody else? Watch a porno alone and watch one with a partner?” I frown. “Yes, two separate items for two similar acts but two different agendas! Trust me. So that’s four more—”
“I’ve always fancied feeling sexy enough to do a lap dance or a strip tease. Or some kind of sexual role-play; you know like nurse and patient type thing? Ah ha, I know, how about making a sex tape… you ever done that Wills?” God I’m enjoying this too much. I really do feel like I’m writing the list of my life!
Wills is scribbling down my ideas. “Love it, love it, love it, that’s twenty-five now. Nah, never done a sex tape babe. Not sure why really, I reckon it’d be pretty hot to keep as a souvenir. Obviously only if the sex is worth capturing and watching. You’ve just got to be careful whose hands it’s in. So if you do that, you keep it and don’t let the guy near it, unless you wanna find it being shared on social media! O.M.G. We’ve missed two obvious ones B; threesome and butt sex?”
“Na-ah. Not for me thanks. It’s one thing kissing a girl but being that intimate is just not something I’m curious about Wills, no offence.”
“None taken, but I was thinking more like two men and you. I’ve done both and obviously prefer one of each sex – best of both worlds – but two men is great too, you’re the centre of their attention, being touched all over, putting their—”
I interrupt. “Nope. Still way too far from reality for me. Maybe next year we can do a sequel of this list. For now, I’ll happily push my boundaries but a three-way isn’t something I think would turn me on. Oh and I’ve done anal a few times, pre-marriage, and it didn’t float me boat. In fact, I think it scarred Mike for life, which may explain some of his aversions. Anyway, before you say it, I don’t think it had anything to do with it being Mike, I just don’t like, you know… the sensatio
n. Does that make me a prude Miss Sexpert?”
“No of course it doesn’t, B this isn’t about you doing things that make you uncomfortable or that you can’t imagine enjoying. And just because I like being sexually adventurous, that does not make me a sexpert. I think that with the right partner, you could feel the same sexual intensity and euphoria doing missionary, that I feel when I… I don’t know… take part in group sex or something! Everybody’s tastes and thresholds are different. I’m trying to encourage you to be carefree, not careless… Hey, you’re apparently fluent in vodka talk, so am I making sense or talking drunken shite?”
“No, I get you, completely. It’s like when you said two couples could do the exact same tantric sexercise but have completely different experiences depending on their connections and that… totally makes sense to me.” I liken it to my own sexperiences. “It’s like after Mike and I had just made love and I’d have to go to “get a drink” and finish the job – But he would lie there like he’s just had the time of his life! Grrrr that was so annoying! Never again!”
Wills laughs and slaps me a high five. “Exactly. Different horses for different courses!” She pauses, inspired and blurts out, “In a field, sex in a field! No actually, make it sex outdoors, more options! Okay, how about go to a live sex show? I’ve never been but I’ve heard about them but you could ‘slash’ it with a tamer ‘strip show’ if you’d prefer?”
“Fine, as long as they don’t expect audience participation… I’ve got an idea of something I’ve never done that I’m curious about but I don’t think you’ll like it.” Wills looks intrigued and gestures for me to spit it out. “Hit somebody.” I clasp my hand over my mouth as if I’ve shocked myself but really I just think it sounds funny aloud.
“What, like spank somebody when you’re having sex?”
“No, I literally mean hit somebody. Not sexually, just out of anger. I’ve never hit anybody before, even though I’ve had plenty of opportunities over the years. I’ve always stopped myself. Some bitch at uni deserved more than a few slaps for the way she treated me sometimes. I regret being too much of a pussy to act on instinct… I’m just saying that whilst I’m doing this list, should the opportunity arise where somebody deserves a slap, maybe I shouldn’t stop myself and just say Fuck It instead!” The look of confusion on Wills face is brilliant but she can see that, although I find it funny, I am being serious.
“Okay, for the record, I do not condone anger inspired slapping. Sexually, yes. But I will make this an exception as I trust your judgment.” She’s trying to talk responsibly and I hold back a snort. “I don’t expect to be having to drag you off some stranger that looked at you… strange! Aaand I will put down spanking too, just for good measure. Okay… That’s twenty-nine and I’ve got the perfect one to round you up to ‘dirty thirty’” Wills drums her hands on the notepad. “Kinky sex! You’re gonna explore some kinkalicious sex! Doesn’t have to be anything heavy. It could just be using sex toys with somebody. Oh and you can’t cross this off when you do the tying up ones either, that goes for the others too. No ‘do one, get one free’, that’s cheating. Unless of course you get kinky with toys whilst being tied up, that’s definitely worth two!”
I salute. “Yes Ma’am, understood. Kinky sex it is. I’m no stranger to a vibrator but I’ve never considered using one with somebody. Tell a lie, actually I have fantasied whilst using one, pretending that some sex God was controlling it at the same time as me sucking him off.” And out comes the snort I’ve been holding back. “I’d love to find somebody to re-enact that badass vision with me.” Mmm that is definitely a fantasy worthy of recreation in the flesh. “I’m not sure whether I prefer to be in control or be controlled, you know. I think I have both sides within me, somewhere. Anyway, I love it. I love this. I can’t believe what we’ve just written.” I take the notepad off her lap and glance over the list. “And we get to go shopping too! We need role play outfits, new sexy underwear—”
“—sex toys!” Will continues “And there’s no time limit on this B, so there’s no expectation for you to rush out lucky dipping every man in sight.”
“Lucky dipping?”
“Yeah, like pulling a bloke and then doing a lucky dip out of the sexual things on your list! I don’t want this to be the catalyst for creating some sex mad monster… O-or maybe I do! You could be my little protégé.” We laugh and browse over the drunken scrawl together. I think she notices my eyebrows arching higher as I read on. “Don’t worry, I’ll type this up for you babe. We wouldn’t want you accidentally losing this amazing ‘Fuck It’ list would we?”
It’s just gone 4am so we drag ourselves to bed and I’m asleep in record time. Mind and body depleted.
11:17am
I’m becoming accustomed to a pain killer with my breakfast in the mornings. My head isn’t as bad as I deserve so the water we drank must’ve helped. Plus I think my body’s getting used to the increased alcohol consumption by now. It’ll be aching for a detox soon.
After agreeing last night, I call Wills gym and manage to book an induction with one of the personal trainers that she knows for 1:15pm today. We’re going to go there before my 3pm spray tan appointment.
Whilst we nurse our heads over a coffee, Wills shows me the coke stained ‘Fuck It’ list and we read over it. Now that we’re completely sober it seems a lot more daunting than when we wrote it. After talking it over, I acknowledge that I wouldn’t have suggested or agreed to anything that I wasn’t curious about, whether drunk or not. So I surprise us both by deciding that I’m still up for the challenge, playing into the hands of my wildly competitive side. My life is desperate for an injection of positive changes and I want to try and embrace any opportunities that come my way, especially if they’re the sort of thing I’d usually shy away from.
Wills does her daily yoga and meditation sessions and I jump in a long hot shower, exfoliating thoroughly in readiness for my spray tan. I put on a cropped sports vest and matching shorts and we grab a light bite for brunch, having slept in.
1:10pm
It’s just a fifteen minute drive to the gym and when we arrive, I’m totally impressed. It’s a large attractive building with full length windows along the frontage. There’s huge three dimensional green and grey numbers attached to the wall above the entrance; ’24/7’. Another perk to the gyms facilities is the fact that it’s open around the clock. Wills joined here a couple of years ago and has often talked about a great circle of friends she has here, both with and without benefits!
When we walk in, I fall in love with the place at first sight. You can’t buy this kind of ambience. Wills sorts my visitors pass and my eyes dart around taking it all in; white and chrome décor with splashes of green, high ceilings enhance the vast open planned space. There’s a health café in the foyer and I can see people enjoying smoothies and other vibrantly coloured healthy lunches.
This is my kind of escape. The motivation in the air makes me want to jump on the cross trainer and power out until I’m exhausted and dripping with sweat. The air conditioning is great too.
Once we’re past the turnstiles, to the left are clearly defined sections with cardio machines facing a wall of mirrors with plasma screens above, circuit training machinery and an area with mats for floor work. There’s a wall of windows opposite us. On the other side of the glass I can see a ‘lanes only’ swimming pool and a smaller studio pool with what looks like an aqua aerobics class in progress.
Wills introduces me to Shona, the personal trainer, and leaves us to it whilst she goes for a quick workout. Shona looks about mid 20’s, wearing the 24/7 green and grey tightass uniform and she has a distinctive Scottish accent. I politely let her know that I don’t need demonstrations of the equipment so I’d just like a tour. She seems happy with that and sets off to show me around.
Aside from the café, gym and swimming pools downstairs, there’s a corridor to the right of the turnstiles which we head towards. There’s a couple of open offices on the ri
ght, then the corridor leads down to segregated changing rooms on the left. Shona tells me that members are given an access code for the changing rooms accordingly. To the right of the corridor are private treatment rooms for sports massage, full body massage and some beauty treatments that you can pre-book. Finally, at the bottom here, there’s a lush sauna and a steam room, which are gender mixed.
I can’t help but fall more and more in love with the place. Everything it offers is what I’d aspire to achieve if I managed this gym. So as a customer I am in fitness heaven right now.
Shona leads me back down the corridor into the open plan gym and up a large staircase to our right. Up here the entire floor is above the corridor we’ve just been down and all of the rooms off it. So the ceilings aren’t as high but there’s a nice row of treadmills on a mezzanine balcony overlooking the entire ground floor. Adjacent to the treadmills there’s some cross trainers, which overlook the swimming pools. This floor space is predominantly for free weights and weights machines so I guess this is where the big guns and meatheads pump their iron.
The surround sound background music is almost drowned out completely with the sound of heavy weights thudding to the ground, iron slabs clattering together on the machines, mixed with the testosterone-driven masculine grunts coming from the free weights section. We walk further across the floor, where the majority of space is occupied by two studio rooms. On route I admire the glistening flesh on show. One guy is rhythmically pounding a punching ball. Another is straddling a bench doing some strenuous seated dumbbell curls. All I’m thinking now is how to plan my workouts so that I get a decent view of all the action on offer upstairs and down. One thing’s for sure, the motivational eye candy up here is certain to drive home some hardcore workouts from me.
