by Elly Swartz
We’re sad to be separating, for now, but we promise we are going to, not away from. And remember the promise. If you, the older versions of us, dig up this capsule, you will need to bury a new one and visit it again in another ten years.
Much love,
Hannah and Molly
I fold the letter into three (not four) sections and stuff it into an envelope marked Hannah and Molly in the future. For our time capsule, Hannah set aside a shoe box that wasn’t going to Seattle. The plan is to bury the box next to the oak tree in the park at the top of Queens Hill.
“Seattle’s not that far,” I say as Hannah turns away from me. I see a tear slip down her cheek as she tapes the box closed. “It’s a direct flight. Some bad airplane food, a horror movie, and you’re practically landing.” She gives me the same fake smile she gave me when she had to get her appendix out and was going to miss the school play. Rebecca Jones was Hannah’s happy understudy who got to be Alice in Alice in Wonderland.
“You’re right. My dad already said I could visit as soon as school was over. Maybe we could split the summer. Half in Seattle and half in Lantern,” Hannah says.
“I’d love that.” The doors of the moving van slam closed.
“Hannah, it’s time,” her dad calls up the stairs.
50
buried
HANNAH AND I WERE supposed to do this together, but we ran out of time. Something about the snow and traffic and needing to be sure they didn’t miss their flight. I put on my boots and traipse up the hill with Oscar, a shovel, and the box.
My fingers are numb by the time I get to the top of Queens Hill. Hannah texted last night when she got to her new house. No more Facebook messages. When Dad found out about Lynx, he closed the account after a parenting moment that sounded like an Ask Maggie column.
Hannah had me video chat with her so she could show me around her new house. It’s red brick with a black double door and a lawn. It sits next to a lake, and a gaggle of geese ate the seed off her front lawn while we talked. It was a little hard to hear over their squawking. Her room is decorated just like her old room—tulip yellow and pomegranate red. She zoomed in on a photo of the two of us at camp she has on her desk next to Max and her copy of E. B.’s Rules to Becoming a Successful Businesswoman. Then she showed me her idea room, which was actually a corner of the basement that her dad set up for her to work on her business plans. She seemed happy and sad at the same time. Before she hung up she said, “Miss you, Mol.”
“Miss you too, Hannah.” Saying goodbye to her was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It was on the list with saying goodbye to Mom and stopping all my weird stuff.
I grab the shovel out of the bag and begin to dig at our chosen spot by the tree. Dr. G.’s idea. Oscar runs around in the snow, searching for a stick to fetch. I grab one off the ground and toss it to him. I go back to digging. Digging is hard, mostly because it involves dirt and because I can’t make a hole deep enough for our capsule. The ground’s too hard. And uncooperative. Not completely frozen, but it doesn’t matter. I keep at the same spot, but it isn’t working. I lure Oscar over and put the stick in the hole. He’s a good digger, but gets distracted easily. He picks up the stick with his teeth and runs away.
I have another idea.
“Come on, Oscar. We’ll be back.” I drop the shovel and he follows me as we head home.
Kate and Ian are in the kitchen eating from a gallon container of coffee ice cream.
“Want some?” Ian asks.
I shake my head no. “But I could use some help. Feel like digging?”
They grab their boots and the three of us trudge back up to the top of Queens Hill.
“What’s in the box?” Ian shakes it.
“Stuff from Hannah and me.”
“Why are you burying your stuff in the ground?” he wants to know.
“It’s a time capsule,” Kate says. “I think it’s cool.”
I smile. Since my total meltdown there have been more three-of-us moments. It feels nice. Odd. But nice.
Kate and Ian and I all start digging. After about fifteen minutes we’ve dug a hole large enough for the box.
“Should we say something or do some sort of ceremony before you put it in the ground?” Kate asks.
I shrug. “Don’t know. Maybe just, ‘See you in ten years.’”
I cover the box with dirt and snow, snap a picture of the spot with my phone, and send it to Hannah and Dr. G. (part of my homework). Kate and I sit down next to the buried capsule while Ian tries to climb the tree.
“You okay?” she asks.
“Yeah. No. I don’t know. I’m just really going to miss Hannah.”
I wait for the numbers, but they don’t come. Maybe this is the start of something new. Maybe Dr. G. is right. Things are getting better.
Kate puts her muddy hand on top of mine.
I let her.
51
three days shy of being thirteen
I WALK INTO THE OCD group meeting and see Parker Ray by the chips at the table near the windows. He smiles and gives me a thumbs-up. Translation—no counting, just eating chips. I smile. Devon starts group. This week there are fifteen of us. The new girl’s pale frightened face is a stark contrast to her raw hands. She sits on them when she notices me. I want to put my arm around her and tell her she’s going to be okay.
My metal chair makes a loud noise when I stand. I’m ready, but still totally nervous. This is a first. Another first. I clear my throat like there’s something in it, but really I just need another second to catch my breath.
Inhale. Exhale.
“I want to share something I wrote in my journal.”
Parker Ray’s applause fills the quiet space.
I start:
Beyond the darkness
There is light
Beyond the fear
There is hope
Beyond the perfection
There is me.
Imperfect and beautiful
Me.
When I finish reading my poem, I say, “I’m Molly. I’m three days shy of being thirteen, and I have five letters in my name.”
experts consulted
DR. KATHLEEN TRAINOR, FOUNDER of the TRAINOR Center, has treated children and adolescents with anxiety-based disorders using the latest in evidence-based approaches for more than thirty years. Her practice, which focuses on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), is tailored to meet each child’s needs. A senior psychologist on the staff of the Child Psychiatry Clinic at Massachusetts General Hospital, Dr. Trainor holds a master’s degree in social work and a doctorate in clinical psychology; she has been on the faculty of Harvard Medical School for more than twenty years. Since 1988, Dr. Trainor has been a private-practice psychotherapist, providing adult, adolescent, couple, and family CBT in solo practice, first as a licensed independent certified social worker (LICSW) and then as a licensed psychologist. Dr. Trainor presents to professional and community groups in the areas of cognitive behavioral treatment of anxiety disorders, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Tourette’s syndrome, autism, trichotillomania, and more. She also provides training and consultations in schools and to therapists in various clinical settings. She is known for her unique and widely used 7-Step TRAINOR Method, and her long-awaited book, Calming Your Anxious Child: Words to Say and Things to Do, is now available.
Paul Cannistraro, MD, is a psychiatrist in private practice in Cambridge, Massachusetts. He is the former director of clinical psychopharmacology at the Massachusetts General Hospital Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders Clinic. He has published numerous neuroimaging and clinical research studies and continues to lecture on pharmacological treatments for OCD and related disorders.
resources consulted
Fitzgibbons, Lee, Ph.D., and Cherry Pedrick, RN. Helping Your Child with OCD: A Workbook for Parents of Children with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2003.
Goodman, W. K., L. H. Price, S. A. Rasmuss
en, et al. “Y-BOC Symptom Checklist,” adapted from “The Yale-Brown Obsessive Compulsive Scale.” Archives of General Psychiatry 46 (1989): 1006–1011.
How to Help Your Child with OCD: A Parent’s Guide to OCD. Chicago: Obsessive Compulsive Foundation of Metropolitan Chicago, 2006.
How to Recognize and Respond to OCD in School-Age Children. OC Foundation, Inc. Video.
International OCD Foundation. iocdf.org. This site lists numerous resources for parents, kids, and professionals to consult.
Jake’s Story and the Kids Panel. OC Foundation, Inc. Video.
Wagner, Aureen Pinto, Ph.D. What to Do When Your Child Has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Apex, NC: Lighthouse Press, Inc., 2002.
acknowledgments
THANK YOU SEEMS LIKE an enormous understatement. My journey to Finding Perfect was thirteen years, many reads, dozens of revisions, lots of wine/Twizzlers/flowers, and hundreds of hugs in the making. Looking back, however, I wouldn’t change a single thing. I learned that writing a novel is a lot like hiking a switchback on a mountain. You know it’s a long way down, but chances are you’re going to encounter some gems along the way. And that I did.
To my greatest gems—my husband, James, and my boys, Joshua and Gregory—where do I even begin? I’m not sure you will ever truly know the depths of my love and gratitude. Without you, this book would never have gotten off my 8½ × 11 computer paper. The three of you believed in me unconditionally. Year after year. You never wavered. Not once. I love you all with all of me.
To the rest of my amazing family, I am so grateful for all of you. The unconditional love, the unwavering support, and, of course, the wine. Thank you all on both coasts for believing in me as I navigated down this long and winding path. Love you all more than you know!
Tricia Lawrence, agent and friend extraordinaire, to you I say a deep-in-the-center-of-my-heart thank-you! You said we’d get to YES together. You said FP would find a home. And how right you were. I am so grateful for your confidence in me, your intuition, your kindness, and your humor. You helped make all of this possible.
To my most wonderful FSG editor, Angie Chen, there may be no words that accurately reflect the bounds of my gratitude. From the moment you told me that you loved Molly, I knew Finding Perfect and I had found a home. Your insight and edits helped make Molly’s story complete. You were my own personal book whisperer! To the wonderfully talented, smart, and insightful Joy Peskin, I am so grateful that Molly and I have you at the helm as I navigate the next part of this journey. You are a true rock star among editors. How lucky I am to be working with you! And to the FSG team who worked to bring this book from my computer to the bookshelf, please know I am beyond appreciative for your creativity and dedication.
To my wonderful girlfriends who rooted for me, listened to my book-talk, cheered loudly when FP found its place in the world, and loved me all the way, I love you all like sisters.
Sarah Aronson, you have been a cherished mentor/teacher/friend through the years. You will forever have a special place in my books and my heart.
The EMLA family, love you guys. Seriously, I could not have asked for a more gracious, supportive, caring, smart, talented writing community to be a part of. How lucky I am!
Dr. Trainor and Dr. Cannistraro, thank you for sharing your knowledge with me. It was so important to me that Molly’s manifestation of and treatment for OCD be authentic. Your input was invaluable. And, Dr. Trainor, thank you for going above and beyond over the period of three years, reading my manuscript, answering my questions, and meeting with me. Molly and I both thank you!
Nancy Tupper Ling, I so appreciate the time you took to edit/guide/discuss the ways of poetry. I am grateful that I had a true poet to lean on.
To my readers and former crit group, your input over the many drafts was invaluable and always appreciated.
To those who are no longer with me. To my mom, I thank you for all of it. You taught me how to love unconditionally, be courageous, and color outside the lines. You made me feel like I could do anything. I love you beyond and miss you every single day. To my father-in-law, I thank you for always loving me and cheering me on. And to my almost-102-year-old Gram, I hope you’re enjoying your Harvey’s Bristol Cream as you read my story.
So to all who shared this switchback with me, your endless encouragement and confidence in me allowed me to uncover the last gem along my journey—never stop believing in your dreams. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
I.
Am.
Beyond.
Grateful.
about the author
Elly Swartz lives in Massachusetts with her husband, two sons, and dog. You can sign up for email updates here.
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contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
1. Blue Pixie and the Siamese Fighting Fish
2. The Juice Lady
3. Going Is Not the Same as Leaving
4. Boogies on the Wall
5. The Remains of the Breakfast Burrito
6. Wishing for Sandal Season
7. The Opposite of Pod
8. Rules of ROYGBIV
9. Bargus Clan and the Bug Jar
10. Worst Word in Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary
11. Bad Things Will Happen
12. Cheese Man Sighting
13. Regular Mad or Slam-the-Door-and-Walk-Away Mad
14. Perfect Doesn’t Travel Well
15. I See You
16. The Smallest of Peeks
17. Rainbow of Beautiful Colors
18. Today Is the Day
19. Say Cheese
20. My Right Side
21. Frozen
22. Another Weird Thing
23. Stop It! Stop It! Stop It! Stop It!
24. Hangers-On
25. Say Something
26. Goodnight Moon
27. In the Closet
28. Lonely, the Number Eleven
29. Doesn’t Look like Nothing
30. The Kiss
31. The Postings of Lynx Lomain
32. Longest Stretch of Mad
33. Walking Around in the Dark
34. Hiding in Plain Sight
35. Missing
36. My Numbers Are Showing
37. Behind the Velvet Curtain
38. There’s a Spot on the Floor
39. The Death of Spider-Man
40. The Power of the Band-Aid
41. Shattered Glass
42. Just like Grammy Jean
43. Can I Catch It?
44. Panic Rising
45. The Wrong Spot
46. Weird for a Reason
47. Welcome Home
48. Twizzler Test
49. Meet Max
50. Buried
51. Three Days Shy of Being Thirteen
Experts Consulted
Resources Consulted
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright
Farrar Straus Giroux Books for Young Readers
175 Fifth Avenue, New York 10010
Text copyright © 2016 by Elly Swartz
All rights reserved
First hardcover edition, 2016
eBook edition, October 2016
mackids.com
The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
Names: Swartz, Elly D., author.
Title: Finding perfect / Elly Swartz.
Description: First edition.|New York: Farrar, Straus Giroux, 2016.|Summary: “With some help from her siblings and friends, Molly is able to face her OCD a
nd be strong enough to get help for it”—Provided by publisher.
Identifiers: LCCN 2015036347|ISBN 9780374303129 (hardback)|ISBN 9780374303136 (e-book)
Subjects:|CYAC: Obsessive-compulsive disorder—Fiction.|Emotional problems—Fiction.|BISAC: JUVENILE FICTION / Social Issues / Depression & Mental Illness.|JUVENILE FICTION / Family / General (see also headings under Social Issues).|JUVENILE FICTION / Social Issues / Friendship.
Classification: LCC PZ7.1.S926 Fi 2016|DDC [Fic]—dc23
LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2015036347
Our eBooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at (800) 221-7945 ext. 5442 or by e-mail at [email protected].
eISBN 9780374303136
