“Are you ever going to? I’m asking you seriously.”
“I don’t know.” He exhaled slowly. “I don’t know if I can forgive him.”
“Well, that’s a mighty big problem.”
“We seem to have a few of those.”
She bit her lip. “I was engaged to Jacob.”
“I know that, too. Whenever I think about holding your hand or touching your face, I feel so guilty. It’s like he’s always with me.”
“He’s with me, too,” Esther added in agreement. “Between us. Right here.” She gestured at the space between their two bodies, the great distance that must always separate them.
Suddenly, Luke lifted his chin, looking her dead in the eyes. The next second, he stepped into that empty space, filling it with his body. Esther gasped as his arms wound around her, pulling her in to his chest. Before she could breathe again, he’d completely enfolded her, holding her tightly to him as if he was afraid she’d fly away.
She didn’t fight the impulse but wrapped her arms around him just as tight, pressing her cheek against his beating heart, fisting the back of his shirt. She slammed her eyes shut, wanting to absorb every second.
The hug lasted a million delicious years, draining strength from her body yet filling her with an even stronger inner strength.
“It’s raining.” The words came as if floating from heaven.
She opened her eyes to see Luke gazing at her, a raindrop clinging to the end of his nose. She lifted her chin toward the sky, only to get pelted with dozens of them.
“We need to get to the truck.”
Esther was still happily enveloped in the dreamy memory of their embrace while Luke gathered the picnic. A moment later, his hand was around hers, guiding her to the road. The storm had hit so fast that they were soaked to the skin when they climbed inside the truck.
“What’s the smile for?”
“Hmm?”
He sank his two index fingers into the corners of her turned-up mouth. “Your smile can be seen from space.”
At the simple touch, she melted—just a little. “Because I’m happy.”
“Well, that’s obvious.” One side of Luke’s mouth pulled into a grin. “Me too.”
A euphoric tingle ran up her back, causing her to shiver.
“Cold?”
“Freezing,” she suddenly discovered, wrapping her arms around herself when she shivered again. “We’re all wet.”
“You know what they say about how to share body heat to keep warm?”
She felt her eyebrows squish together. “No. What?”
Luke didn’t say anything for a moment, but then he chuckled under his breath, as if enjoying a private joke. “Never mind,” he finally said. “Here.” He straightened his right arm, holding it out to the side. Inviting her to him.
Ignoring what might be improper, Esther slid over the bench seat, cozily positioning herself inside the crook of his arm. She felt him exhale as both of his arms wrapped around her. She didn’t care that they were both sopping from the rain—it felt so right to be in his arms again, to breathe in the smell of his shirt.
Before today, I never hugged a man who wasn’t a relative. One of his hands moved to the back of her head, cradling it so tenderly. Not even Jacob. He wanted a hands-off relationship before we married. Never once had he held her hand while they’d rode in his buggy or strolled together in her father’s peach orchard. Never put an arm around her like Luke.
The thought made her suck in a gasp, but she didn’t move away.
“I…” Luke said, giving her shoulder a gentle pat. “I better take you back.”
Relief mixed with a stab of regret pricked her heart. “Why?” After he patted her shoulder again, Esther sat up.
When he looked at her, his eyes were dark and intriguing, his ears a little red. “Because.” He turned away to stare out the windshield, massaging the back of his neck. “Because I want to kiss you.”
“Oh.” It was a dumb thing to say, but Esther’s mind was blank. Once or twice in her whole life had she imagined what it might feel like to kiss a man, but she’d never been in the literal circumstance to actually do it.
Lip kissing wasn’t supposed to happen until a couple was engaged. If Esther was serious about being obedient, she needed to restrain. So she sucked in her lips, pressing down with her jaw so they stayed sealed shut. That’s when she noticed the lines running across Luke’s forehead, the soberness in his expression, and how his hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly, his fingers were white.
“Yes,” she whispered, frightened by the sudden desire that was making her heart pound in her ears. “We better go right now.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
“You need to see your mother.”
They’d been on the road for a few minutes, neither of them saying much besides how the rain wouldn’t let up. Not even the heater on high was making a dent in their drenched skin and clothes.
“It’s not that simple,” Lucas replied, still fighting back the urge to pull the truck off the road so he could kiss her.
“You said that before.” Her impatient tone cut into his thoughts. “I’m being very serious now, Luke. I know you’ve got an issue with your father, but that has nothing to do with reaching out to your maam.”
“Esther,” he said, shaking his head.
“What?” She rotated her body to face him directly. “Were you about to say this is none of my business? Because you know it is.”
He’d loved the feel of her in his arms, the softness of her body, and how she’d come right to him, no hesitation at all. Now he wanted to kiss her wholly so she wouldn’t ask any more questions.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” she asked.
He sighed and scratched his head, knowing she wasn’t going to drop the subject. “She shuns me.”
“She’d never, ever do that. What else?”
He adjusted his position in the seat. “Okay, my father finds out and gets angry with her. Or the bishop hears word. The whole family could be in a lot of trouble.”
After a few quiet moments, Esther said, “Luke, I want to hold your hand, but that’s not the best idea right now. What I would ask you, though, while holding your hand is, don’t you think it’s worth the risk?”
“Yes,” he admitted. Again, Esther had drilled straight down to the heart of the matter. “But I do not need your help with it.”
“Ha!” When he glanced at her, she was grinning. He wanted to reach out and take ahold of her sweet face, if only to get her to stop talking.
“Listen,” he said instead, needing to be completely honest. “You’ve become a bright light in my life.”
“Don’t change the subject by flirting.”
“I’m not.” He exhaled a groan, driving by that familiar fork in the road. “I’m trying to tell you that I care about you very much.”
She tilted her head. “Jah?”
“You don’t have to sound so pleased about it. We’re in a real jam here.”
“I know.” Her voice was subdued this time. “Do you think…? Forgive me, this is a very personal question but, do you think you’d ever talk to Bishop Abram?”
For the last few days, Lucas had actually been wondering the same thing. He knew he’d made a lot of changes lately, deciding to live more simply, without distractions that once seemed so important. He felt closer to Gott than he had in years, and the draw to return to the church nudged him more and more every day.
But taking the actual steps. Sacrificing even more. Meeting with the leaders of the church face-to-face…
“Maybe,” was all he could say.
He half expected Esther to unleash an excited squeal or clap her hands and whoop. But when he looked at her—all the way over by the passenger door—she was simply smiling, just as she had when he’d told
her about canceling his cable and getting rid of the TV, feeling the Holy Spirit again.
“There’s still…a lot,” she said.
“Yeah.” He nodded, not needing her to explain further.
“Yeah,” she echoed, sounding distant. “But do you think… I’m not sure how to put it.”
“You’ve already yelled at me once today and mocked me. And I won’t even mention all the scandalous hand-holding. You shouldn’t feel shy to ask anything.”
“Okay.” She shook her head, laughing. “To be honest, what I was going to ask is if you think we’ll be able to figure it out?”
Hearing her use the “we” pronoun gave him more confidence than when he’d aced his first gross anatomy exam. He hadn’t had time to even begin the process of weighing his options before she spoke again.
“Never mind,” she said, crossing her arms and looking forward. “I don’t want you to answer yet, because I’m still thinking, too.”
“Fair enough,” Lucas said.
As he drove, they chatted about meaningless things—both their heads and hearts too full of weightier subjects than could be spoken right then.
“When will I see you again?” she asked as they turned onto the road leading to Honey Brook.
“I’m assuming at supper tonight at Jerry’s.”
Esther’s eyes brightened. “It’s still so thrilling that you’ve reconnected with your brother. I see how happy it makes you.”
The heavenly expression on her face only strengthened his fortitude. Perhaps they could go on just like this for a while longer. Meet at Jeremiah’s, take private walks. If they were careful, maybe she could come to his house again, sit together and talk. After all, he was perfectly capable of controlling his actions while around her.
The thought of testing his strength made him grin.
“Yes,” he said under his breath. “We’ll figure it out.”
Right at that moment, Lucas felt like he could take on any challenge. Anything thrown his way, he could handle. The world was his—he just had to figure out how and when to make the big decisions, those really big changes.
As he turned down a gravel road, Jeremiah’s house came into view. A buggy he didn’t recognize was parked in front of the barn. Visitors must be calling on them. Probably someone to check on Lizzy.
When they drew nearer, Lucas noticed two people on the front porch. Jerry was facing him, but at first, he couldn’t see the other man. As he was about to toot his horn and wave, the other man turned in his direction.
Lucas’s heart slammed against his ribs as he immediately recognized Abram, the bishop. Without thinking, he took his foot off the gas, slowing their approach. His eyes locked with Jerry’s. The second he read the dread on his brother’s face and the almost imperceptible shaking of his head, panic seized hold of his body.
Impulsively, he reached out, put a hand on Esther’s head, and, as gently as he could, nudged her down onto the roomy floor of the truck. “Stay there,” he said, then laid on the gas, speeding past the house, all while making sure his face was turned the other way.
His heart pumped like a New York City street jackhammer as he steered around a few corners until they were safely out of view, then parked, his hands trembling.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, pulling back his hand. She wasn’t struggling to get free, hadn’t struggled at all, actually. “Sorry,” he repeated. “You can get up.”
For a moment, Esther didn’t move, and he worried he might have scared her or, worse, hurt her physically. Before he could ask, though, she climbed onto the seat, her prayer kapp askew, damp dress wrinkled, strings of hair hanging over her pale face.
Hot, painful guilt flushed through his body as he reached out to touch her shoulder, then withdrew his hand, not wanting to make it worse. “I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said, his throat tight, “but there wasn’t time to explain. Abram—”
“I saw him,” she said, her voice level, though she was breathing fast. She stared straight ahead, making Lucas recall Jerry’s expression: the fear and dread on his face when he’d seen Lucas approaching. It didn’t take a genius to understand what was going on.
The leader of their church was paying a visit, no doubt wondering why Lizzy hadn’t been at church, which was customary. Perhaps he’d given Jerry a lecture about the importance of Sunday preaching attendance. Bishop might’ve even given him an official warning—it didn’t take many of those before his family would be in hot water with the church, even with Lizzy on prescribed bed rest.
And then he had been about to drive up in his English truck. The prodigal son sneaking around with Esther Miller at his side. Just thinking about what Jerry must’ve been feeling—the alarm and dismay of Bishop discovering his family had been allowing Lucas in their home, to be with his children, to sit at their dinner table—made Lucas want to punch his fist through the windshield.
He’d been careless. Thoughtless. Not only could that have been terrible for his brother’s family, but how could he explain why Esther was with him? Her reputation in the community, her standing in the church, and even her family’s standing would be in jeopardy.
Thoughtless! he shouted inwardly. His actions could have easily destroyed the lives of the people he loved so much, it hurt.
“Why didn’t you stop?”
At the sound of Esther’s voice, he turned to her. “Because he’d see me. He’d see you.”
“You could’ve talked to him.”
“Not now.”
“Why?”
“Because…it’s not the right time.”
“It’s the perfect time.” She turned to gesture behind them, back at Jerry’s house.
“Not yet.”
“Luke.” The tone of her voice immediately turned tender, and she took his hand. “I’ll be right beside you. It’ll be okay.”
Again, he pictured Jerry’s face, the terror that seemed to have filled his brother’s eyes as he’d approached. Not even the warmth and softness of her skin could make that picture go away.
“Unless… Oh.”
After a hard blink, Lucas watched Esther drop his hand and scoot back, her face ashen and confused.
“You changed your mind. You’re not going to talk to him. You didn’t mean what you said. You didn’t mean any of it.”
Was she right?
For a moment, there were no words. No noise or even sounds of nature. The heavy, hard, slow beating of his heart was all Lucas felt as his brain continued its downward spiral. That feeling inside his chest that only minutes ago had been flying so high with happiness was now crumpled like a piece of paper thrown in the trash.
Before he spoke again, he closed his eyes. Please, dear Lord, if her pain is half as much as mine, take it from her. Make me feel it all—not her. After pressing his lips together, he added, I know I deserve it.
“I’ll take you home. Good luck with the wedding. I’m sorry.”
She looked at him. “That’s it?”
He almost laughed, his soul feeling black and hollow. “What more is there to talk about? I was stupid. This is over—it has to be.” At the sound of her ragged breathing, he longed to rip his heart out of his chest.
This had been his fault. He should’ve stopped everything when his feelings evolved. He should’ve been bold and told her flat out that it could never work. Almost robotically, he started the truck, steering onto the road, turning a corner toward the Miller farm.
A heavy, breath-squelching silence filled the cab. There were so many things he wanted to say. He wanted to explain further how he felt, that it was killing him inside to tell her it was over. But he couldn’t speak. Apparently, neither could she. Either she was too sad or too angry at his dismissive words to say anything.
In the darkest corner of his heart, Lucas hoped it was the latter. If she hated him, her heartache would be s
horter lived.
Without a word, he pulled to a stop thirty yards from the house. “You should get out here,” he said, hoping his voice sounded stronger than he felt. “No one will see you.”
Esther reached for the door handle but then turned back. Her eyes were red, yet no tears stained her cheeks. It wasn’t sadness that showed on her face but confusion.
Which was somehow worse.
“Bye,” he said, trying not to choke on the single, merciless syllable.
If she kept looking at him like that, he would take it all back; he’d hold her in his arms and tell her he’d made a mistake. If he had any hope of salvaging the lives of the people he loved, as well as his own, she needed to get out of his truck.
He wasn’t sure when she’d left or if she’d said another word to him. The scent of clove and vanilla soap was all that remained of Esther Miller.
Spent in every way, he dropped his head into his hands and tried to breathe. For better or worse, his life had changed yet again. All those heaven-sent blessings felt so far out of reach now, leaving him more alone than ever.
His first instinct was to pray for help and comfort. He’d learned to turn to Gott first again. But as he sat there, pain and disappointment so fresh in his heart, praying was the last thing he wanted to do. Why would a loving God dangle hope in his path only to jerk it away?
Ironically, that was a question he ached to discuss with Esther.
He lifted his chin and stared out the windshield. It was pouring down rain, which fit his black mood. He shifted the truck into gear and drove home, clenching his jaw the entire way, wondering if he’d ever again have a reason to drive into Honey Brook.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
As if in a daze, Esther didn’t go straight to the house but instead, her heavy feet led her to the grove of cherry trees behind the barn. Knowing no one would be out there on a soggy Sunday, she sank to the ground and held her hands over her face.
Thanks to the rain, she could be as loud as she wanted and no one would hear.
When she helplessly replayed his words of goodbye, she began to sniffle. When she pictured his face, tears pricked her eyes. When she thought about that night they’d sat together on his couch, thumbing through his scrapbook, sharing their feelings about life and Gott and what it meant to have true faith, she cried so hard, she couldn’t breathe.
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