Notaku was a good man. Mitchell couldn’t deny that fact. And he knew that Growling Bear cared for Kendra. He’d never hurt her. He’d never lie to her. He’d never deceive her. If Kendra had suddenly seen the man’s worth, then who was he to tell her that she was wrong? Who was he to interfere in it all?
You’re the man who loves her, a voice whispered inside his head. You’re the man who she loves in return, it added, and Mitchell clenched his hands more tightly around the steering wheel while staring blindly out of the windshield.
He wanted nothing more than to go over and punch the other man in his face, but he knew, he knew, that if anybody deserved to be on the receiving end of a fist tonight, it was him. He wanted nothing more than to sweep Kendra away with him, but he knew that the only sweeping she’d want to occur was to get him out of her life.
He wanted nothing more than to have her still love him, but he knew that there was no way that she’d ever let him back in. The only contact he would ever have with her in the future would be through her father, his boss.
No, the only thing that Mitchell had any right to do at the moment was leave. He’d made his choice and there was no undoing it all. No turning back the clock. No way to unsay the lies he’d uttered to her.
No way to fix it this time.
Chapter Thirteen
Kendra found herself struggling for breath as Notaku gently, but firmly, pushed her away from himself. Staring up at the man, she tried to figure out why he was rejecting her. Why was he pushing her away?
“Kendra?” he asked in concern as his dark eyes studied her intently.
“What?” she asked.
“Kendra, what is going on here?” he asked, and she smiled at him.
“Please don’t tell me that you have to ask,” she teased but found herself frowning as he did as well.
“Kendra,” he said more softly with his strong hands still holding her shoulders and holding her in place away from him. “What’s happened?” he asked tenderly, and Kendra tried to swallow the tears that were starting to rise again. She didn’t want to discuss it, she didn’t want to talk, that’s why she’d thrown herself at him to begin with, to block it all out.
She tried to get closer to him again but found her progress impeded by his firm hold and Kendra realized that she wasn’t going to get away with avoiding answering his question. If she were honest with herself, she’d admit that really he had a right to know. She was trying to use him, after all. He deserved some honesty from her about why.
Honesty. Such a foreign concept to so many, but Kendra had always tried to make sure that she never lied. Especially to those who she cared about. Like Notaku. She wouldn’t lie to Growling Bear. She’d tell him and then hope that he’d agree to help her.
Resigned to the discussion ahead of her, Kendra let her mind wander back to the night’s events and slumped in defeat as the tears rolled freely down her face. Sensing her change in attitude, Growling Bear just pulled her in close to his strong body again as he stroked her hair and let her cry on him.
As she continued to cry she was thankful for the man’s silence. It was giving her time to gather her thoughts, to purge her tears. It was giving her the time she needed to compose herself enough to be able to talk sensibly.
“I should have listened to everybody else,” she said softly into his broad chest and felt Notaku lean back. Looking up, she could see him studying her in confusion and elaborated. “Everyone always said I should be with you, Notaku. I didn’t listen. I should have. You’d never have hurt me. You’d never have lied. You’d never have deceived and used me,” she explained and watched as he took all that in.
“Nick,” he surmised with a slight smile, and Kendra snorted.
“There is no Nick,” she said angrily, and Notaku raised a brow in question. “He never was Nick. That’s not his name. He lied to me. He lied to everyone. He was trying to worm his way into my life to garner my cooperation. He used me,” she said more fiercely as the anger took root again.
“That might not be his name, Kendra, but he’s still the same man. So he has two names. So do I. That’s never bothered you before.”
“I have no idea who he is as a man, Notaku. And you don’t hide behind one of your names. He did. He lied about why he was here, what he wanted, what his purpose was,” she said and watched as the other man studied her even more closely.
“He couldn’t have lied about everything, Kendra,” Notaku said softly.
“Why are you defending him?!” she accused as she pushed out of his arms. “Why are you taking his side?!”
“I’m not taking sides, Kendra. I’m trying to help,” he said with outstretched hands.
“Help with what?”
“Help you to follow your heart. Help you to see what’s really inside of you,” he said softly, and she bristled again.
“My bloody heart shouldn’t be trusted! My bloody heart leads me astray every bloody time! Every person I love ends up lying to me! Every person I open myself up to and trust, hurts me! Every person I give myself to throws that offer back in my face!” she cried, and Notaku took a step closer to bring her back into his arms as she cried again.
“Not everyone, Kendra,” he averred as he continued to stroke her hair again. “And those that have would have had their reasons for doing so.”
“Yeah. Their own selfish reasons,” she gritted out.
“You don’t know that, Kendra. You’re not them. You have to learn to see things from other people’s points of views,” he advised, and she snorted at that advice.
“Like they do to me?” she asked ruefully.
“You can’t change others, Kendra, you can only change yourself. You can only choose your own actions. You can only make sure that you do what’s right. That’s your choice to make.”
“Fine. Then I choose to cut my ties with them. I choose to have nothing to do with people who would walk over me so easily. I choose that for myself. I choose to keep my heart safe from now on.”
“You’re angry right now,” he said with a sigh. “When the anger is gone you might make different choices, Kendra.”
“Not bloody likely,” she murmured into his shirt and couldn’t help her twitch of a smile as he chuckled.
“What were you doing here tonight?” he asked after a moment of silence, and Kendra debated what to say.
“I was trying to forget,” she said softly as she clung onto him more firmly. Those same memories and urges were returning. Along with the hurt from earlier. It was still as strong as it had been, and Kendra found her breath catching at the sensation it caused.
“Jeff wouldn’t serve you though,” Notaku said, and Kendra shook her head, not wanting to get into it all with this man. “Why did you kiss me, Kendra?” he asked gently, and Kendra found her answer easy to give.
“I was trying to forget,” she repeated, and felt the man sigh.
“You were hoping to lose yourself in me. What did you think would happen? That you’d offer yourself to me and I’d take you to my bed?” he asked, and Kendra shrugged in response. “How would that have helped?” he asked onto the top of her head.
“It would have made me forget.”
“For the moment. Then what after? As much as the thought is tempting, you can’t spend your whole life in bed with somebody, Kendra. What would have happened afterwards?”
“I don’t know,” she admitted quietly.
“And where would we stand with each other?”
“You can’t tell me that you haven’t taken any other women to your bed, Growling Bear,” she said as she finally looked up at him
“No. But I’ve never taken one that I’m in love with there. If I had, I’d have married her. Would you have been prepared to marry me, Kendra?” he asked, and she stared at him with wide eyes and a gaping mouth.
“I … uh … I don’t know,” she stammered.
“Yes you do,” he said with a rueful smile. “The fact is that you are in love with someone else, you would
never marry me with that being the case. And I wouldn’t let you. Just like I would never let you come to my bed when your heart is otherwise engaged,” he said, and Kendra blushed at how selfish her actions had been. She’d have given this wonderful man false hope, just to try to blot out her present cares and worries.
“I should have been with you from the start,” she lamented, realizing that if she’d followed everyone’s advice, she’d never have fallen for Nick. “You’d have never hurt me.”
“Because I never would have had the power to,” he said down at her damp face. “You never would have let me have the ability because you’d have never given me your heart, Kendra,” he said tenderly, and she cried even harder at the fact that she’d tried to use this wonderful man in front of her.
“I’m sorry, Notaku,” she said as she burrowed in closer to him.
“Don’t apologize, Kendra. You’ve never lied to me. You’ve never given me false hope. I always knew where I stood with you. Apart from tonight you never led me on. It’s not your fault that you’re so easy to love,” he said with a wide smile that flashed in his wonderfully bronze skin.
“Pity I’m not so easy to be truthful with,” she murmured into his chest and felt him sigh.
“Sometimes we get scared that our actions won’t be understood by the person we care the most for. Sometimes we lie and deceive, and hide things, because we’re worried that the other person won’t understand. Sometimes we do the wrong thing because we’re afraid of the consequences of doing the right thing. Sometimes, Kendra, we’re so afraid of losing what’s most important to us that we bury the truth,” he said and stared at her intently. “Sometimes we’re afraid that love won’t be enough,” he said more softly down at her.
“I don’t think you need an escape, Kendra,” he continued. “I don’t think you need to hide from the pain, I think you need to embrace it, to let it run its course. I think you need to deal with everything inside of you. Once you do, you might be able to see what’s going on around you more clearly,” he advised, and Kendra stared at him in shock.
“I could sleep with you tonight, Kendra. I could take you to my bed and make you forget everything except for the two of us, but it will still be there in the morning. It will still be there waiting for you. It will always be there until you deal with it. And I know you, Kendra. You might want to lose yourself for a night but you’ll regret it. Whatever method you use to run from what’s inside of you, you’ll feel ashamed in the morning.
“I care about and love you too much to let you do that to yourself. I care about and love you enough to help you right now, and one of those ways is by stopping you from making a mistake. Let me help you in the right way, Kendra,” he said as he stared down at her, and Kendra nodded at him.
“Thank you, Notaku,” she said sincerely as her eyes filled with tears again.
“Thank you for trusting me, Kendra,” he replied before bending down to kiss her softly on her forehead. “That’s the last of that. For the rest of the night we do things my way,” he declared before steering her around to his truck.
With a deep breath, Kendra squared her shoulders and did as the man directed. She trusted him. Suddenly Kendra realized that Notaku was right, she did have people who loved her, who she loved, who she trusted, and who hadn’t broken her heart and soul. She had others in addition to her mom and Nick who she’d opened herself up to and who hadn’t trampled her in the process.
Perhaps she wasn’t as much of as a lost cause as she’d thought. Perhaps she could cope with love in her life. Not with Nick though. That was over. Notaku might think that there was an explanation and reason for his actions, something behind it all that Kendra wasn’t aware of which would make sense, but he didn’t understand everything.
Nick had been a puppet of her father’s, a puppet who had done everything he could to get his job done, regardless of what it would mean for her. Nick had had his reasons no doubt, but there was very little chance that Kendra would accept them. There was very little chance that she would forgive them. And there was very little chance that she would trust him again.
Chapter Fourteen
“Oh, Kenny, what have you done?” a familiar voice said, dragging Kendra out of the sleep that she was enjoying. Squinting into the morning sun that was streaming through her window, she turned her head to see Betsy standing over her with a look of concern on her face.
“Bets?” Kendra managed before clearing her throat.
“Kenny, what happened?” the woman said as she gingerly sat on the edge of the bed that Kendra was sprawled over. Rubbing at her eyes to remove the sleep dust from them and pushing her hair out of the way, she turned over and tried to look at the woman sitting there.
“Nick lied,” she said succinctly over the lump in her throat. Last night hadn’t made much of a difference as it turned out, she was still mad, and hurt. Though Notaku never claimed that his methods were an immediate cure for all that ailed her.
“I know,” Betsy said softly. “I am so sorry, Kenny,” she said as she reached over and brushed a stray strand of hair out of her eyes. “But what happened after?” she asked nervously, and Kendra told the woman about her little jaunt down to Lucky’s followed by her run-in with Growling Bear.
“You didn’t drink?” the woman asked and shot a look out of the bedroom doorway, presumably remembering the bottle that had been left in her living area.
“No,” Kendra said with a shake of her head. “Jeff wouldn’t serve me.”
“Did you sleep with him?” the woman asked instead, and Kendra shook her head again.
“I tried. He wouldn’t.”
“He’s a good boy. A good man,” Betsy said firmly, and Kendra could only nod in agreement. He really was. “So what did happen? Why the bottle? Why the glasses? Why the rumpled sheets?”
“Notaku took me over to Jacksonburg,” she explained as she remembered the rest of the previous evening’s endeavors.
“Why?”
“To go to the liquor store there. He thought that I should confront my demons. He thought hiding wasn’t doing me any good. So he made me buy my favorite bottle and brought me back to face it down.”
“What?!” Betsy gasped in astonishment. “But you could have … you could have …”
“I know,” Kendra said with a sigh. “I thought he was crazy too. Talk about a temptation. But it seemed to work. We sat all night talking, with that bottle right there in front of me, just waiting for me to give in. We talked about my mom. We talked about Nick, or Mitchell, or whatever he’s called,” she said with a wave of her hand. “We talked about everything. And the whole time the bottle was right there. I admit that I poured a glass or two, and at a few points I even picked it up, ready to just forget it all. But I didn’t, Bets. I didn’t.”
“He didn’t stop you?” Betsy asked worriedly.
“I’m sure he would have. But he was letting me see how strong I was. Letting me do it on my own. And it worked. I wouldn’t advise it as a solution for anybody else, but for me it worked, Bets. I’m not saying that I’m free of the lure, or the temptation, but I know that I can beat it. If I really want to, I can control it. Not that I’m going to be stupid and stick myself in the way of temptation of course, I still have to be smart, but I don’t have to be scared anymore,” she said.
“Oh, Kenny,” Betsy said as she gathered her up in a firm hug. “I am so proud of you. I knew you had it in you.”
“Like I said, Bets, it’s not like I’m cured. I can still feel the pull, but now I know that I don’t have to hide from it, I don’t have to ignore it. I can battle it. I can beat it. I can admit that I have a problem but that I’m stronger than it. I can admit that I’m an alcoholic but it doesn’t rule my life anymore. It doesn’t control me. I control me,” she said firmly and looked over to see tears streaming down Betsy’s face.
“I’m so, so proud of you, my girl,” she said tearfully before clearing her throat and patting Kendra’s hand affectionately.
“You make sure that you bake that boy a nice chocolate pie,” Betsy said as she stood up.
“I think I’ll bake Notaku a dozen chocolate pies for what he did for me last night. He was amazing, Bets, truly amazing.”
“I told you that boy was a good one.”
“Yes, you did,” Kendra said with a smile. “He’s amazing. And so caring and tender. He made me feel so special and treasured too. I wasn’t sure about it all when he first suggested it, but I don’t regret a thing. I was worried, worried about what would happen, but he was right. I feel stronger. I feel better. I feel more alive, and a part of me is wondering why I didn’t do it before. It all seems so straightforward and simple when you think about it. Why I was so scared, I don’t know.”
“Because you weren’t sure, Kenny. Because you were trying to keep yourself safe. You probably didn’t even think that it would be such a good idea, a good experience. If someone had suggested it to you, you’d have been petrified, I imagine. You already said that even Notaku suggesting it made you wary, and you trust him.”
“Yeah. I guess. But at least I’ve done it now, and now I know that it’s not the ordeal that I thought it would be I can be more prepared next time. I don’t have to be scared or worried anymore. Now I know I can cope,” she said with a sigh.
“I’m glad, Kenny,” Betsy said with another pat on her hand. “I’m glad that Notaku was there for you when you needed it. This was a major step for you, and I think that he was the right man to help you take it.”
“He was probably the only man to help me take it,” Kendra returned.
Masks and Lies Page 12
