Not a chance in hell.
I didn't care what all she'd been through or how scarred she was, in the end, she would always be my Sweetness. Besides, who the hell was I to judge? I had more issues than Playboy.
Wanting to prove to her that she was wrong, I gave her hand a slight squeeze. "Try me. Tell me something, one of your darkest secrets, and watch it not change a thing."
As closed off and guarded as she could be about her past, I didn’t expect her to reveal a single secret.
Imagine my surprise when she did.
Turning her face to meet mine once more, she whispered. "I was only nine. Just a little girl."
I swallowed and schooled my expression, fighting like hell to appear calm despite feeling anything but. "What happened when you were nine?"
"That’s when I was raped for the first time."
Raped.
First time.
The words echoed through my head, sending me into one helluva tailspin.
Out of everything she could’ve told me, I never expected that.
With the vein in my temple pulsating with each beat of my heart, I fisted my free hand, squeezing it tight. "Baby..." My voice was distorted and staticky, almost alien sounding. "Who?"
Two words.
That's all I could manage.
"I can’t recall his name, I must have blocked it out I guess." she replied, her wounded eyes staring into mine. "Just like I don’t remember what he looked like. But you can bet that I remember the way his skin reeked of sour sweat and stale cigarettes." Dropping her head back, she exhaled. "It's always the smell that stays with you. That and the pain."
I shifted in my seat. "How'd it happen?"
A smile, one of anguish and not happiness, curved her lips. "He was my mother's landlord." Jesus Christ. "One month, after blowing her disability check on powder and booze, she didn't have a way to pay him." She paused. "So I became the payment."
Silence reigned between us.
Even though I had a million things I wanted to say, none of them comforting, I kept my mouth shut, afraid that if I let a single syllable slip out, I’d word vomit a verbal tirade of epic proportions.
That wasn't what Ashley needed right now.
No, the only thing she did need was my arms wrapped around her, which was something I intended to give her.
Right then.
Twisting at the waist, I unlatched her seatbelt and scooped her up into my arms. Settling sideways on my lap, she leaned against me, burying her face in my neck on her own accord.
Holding her as tight as I could without cracking her ribs, I gently rocked her back and forth, moving as much as the seat would allow. "I'm so fucking sorry," I said, running my fingers through her silky hair. "You didn't deserve that shit. No child does."
"No," she said as her tears wet my skin. "They don't. But as horrible as it was to endure, and as much as it still hurts to this day, I’ve always been glad it was me in a twisted sort of way."
A helluva lot confused, I jerked my head back, wanting to see her face. "What?"
"I know it probably sounds sick, but it’s how I’ve always dealt with the things that life has thrown at me," she replied, fisting the front of my shirt in her hands. "By knowing that the monsters weren’t hurting anyone else as long as they were busy stealing what I didn’t freely give, then I could cope because I felt like I was saving others. I know it makes me sound deluded, but I sort of thought I was a superhero, taking the pain so other little girls, ones just like me, wouldn’t have to.”
At her confession, a piece of me broke.
To this day, it's never healed.
Doubt it ever will.
Unashamed by the tears that filled my eyes, I didn't bother to wipe them away as they fell. Instead, I concentrated on Ashley’s pain versus my own and slid my hands into her hair. "You said they. Meaning there was more than one." She trembled harder. “Was the second monster Dominic?”
Gripping my shirt tight, she shook her head.
And just like that, another piece snapped.
Completely shattered.
"Who was it, baby?"
"Ricky," she replied, her wide stare vacant. "He was my mother's boyfriend and he...” Shaking her head, she arched her back, shoulders quaking. “I tried to tell her what he’d done, but she didn't believe me. Instead of taking my side like she should’ve, she called me a whore and said I was trying to take him from her. Then she kicked me out."
I may not have known the slightest thing about Ashley’s mother, other than what she’d just told me anyway, but I hoped I never ran into her. As I've said before, I'd never hit a woman, not even a low-life bitch like the one who birthed my Sweetness, but I wouldn't think twice before pointing Grandmama or Shelby in her direction.
I'm not even trying to be funny.
Though Shelby hadn't given birth to Ashley, she loved her just as much as she loved Lucca.
As for Grandmama? She'd go straight-up nuclear if she found out what all Ashley had been through at the hands of the one person who was supposed to love and protect her.
Hell, so would Pop, Shelby's father.
Matter-of-fact, her entire family would.
Mine too.
Ty didn't know Ashley, not really, but he'd blow a gasket if he ever caught wind of the horrific details I was being told. And Christ, I didn't want to think about what Heidi would do. She and Carissa both loved Ashley, but Heidi was a whole lot more confrontational. She wasn't crazy by any means—not like Shelby—but when it came to my girl, she'd come out swinging.
Of that, I had no doubt.
“Tell me.” Releasing my shirt, she cupped my cheeks with her frigid palms. “Tell me you don’t look at me any differently now.”
“Ashley, I—”
“Chase, please,” she cried, working herself into hysterics. “I need you to tell me that you still see me and not the little girl who was raped because her mother cared more about getting high than she did her own baby.”
That’s when I lost it.
Placing my hands on her waist, I lifted and turned her the slightest bit, forcing her to straddle my lap. Taken by surprise, she gasped, her eyes flaring for the briefest moment. Quickly grabbing my shoulders, she clutched me tight while steadying herself.
Then she dropped her gaze.
But I wasn’t having it.
Slipping my index finger under her chin, I tilted her face back. “Give me your eyes,” I demanded. “Now.” When she did as told, I cupped her cheek with one hand while placing the other over the spot where her broken heart laid. “I’m about to say something, Sweetness, and I want you to listen to every word I speak. Then, I want you to let each of them sink in until you never doubt me again. Got it?”
Wide eyes locked on me, she nodded. “I’ve got it.”
More than ready to make her understand, I quickly continued. “The only thing that I see when I look at you is a girl who’s crawled through hell and come out the other side a warrior. And baby, what those men did to you, and what your Mama allowed them to do—that’s not on you. Those are their sins, and theirs alone, to bear.”
“But there’s more,” she said between gasps for breath. “So much more.”
Without realizing what she was doing, she lifted her arm and covered her tattooed wrist with her hand, gently massaging it. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen her do it, and though I didn’t have the slightest clue about the meaning behind the tat, it was obvious that it meant a helluva lot to her.
“You can tell me anything, Ashley. No matter what time of the day or night, I’ll always be here to listen. And nothing you say will change the way I feel about you.” Covering her hand with mine, I licked my lower lip. “Having said that, you want to tell me about this?” I asked, gesturing toward her wrist.
She froze, her body stilling.
“If not—”
I snapped my mouth closed when she pulled her hand away, revealing the design which consisted of the letter A plus a small heart.
Elegant and simple, it fit her perfectly.
Sniffling, she took a shaky breath and traced her fingertip along the black ink. “One day I’ll tell you,” she whispered. “But not today.”
I was fine with that.
But little did my girl know, the day she spoke of was quickly approaching, and when it arrived, one of her deepest buried secrets would rise to the surface, bringing with it an endless stream of pain. And when that happened, I would do the only thing I could to help her.
I’d carry her through it.
Chapter Nineteen
Ashley
A week had passed since our missed fair date.
While I was still a tad bit upset about letting the events that happened that day steal my happiness and what could’ve been a handful of great memories, a couple of good things had come from it all.
First, Bitchy Bianca was now a thing of the past thanks to Chase putting her in her place in front of nearly the entire school. Not only did he call her out for the lies she told, but he made sure to let everyone know exactly how delusional she was when it came to their supposed relationship.
After the confrontation, she’d run out of the school cafeteria in tears, something that usually would’ve hurt my heart to see, but she had it coming. The girl was nothing but a bully, and though I knew I likely hadn’t been her first victim, I’d prayed I’d be her last.
Second, after confessing two of my most shameful secrets to Chase, I felt lighter. Not only because I cleansed them from my soul, but because he hadn’t seen me as a victim like I feared.
Instead, he’d seen me as a survivor.
And that meant the world to me.
Part of me wished I could tell him everything else, but that wasn’t a possibility. If he learned the things I’d been forced to do while under Dominic’s control, I feared he truly would walk away.
It was one thing to be a victim. It was another to be what some would view as a willing participant.
And although I hadn’t agreed to the horrible acts el diablo made me perform under the threat of death, plenty of people would have placed the blame on me.
She wasn’t a child.
She could have walked away.
She could have gotten help.
She could have said no.
While I didn’t want to believe that Chase would be one of those people, the victim shamers, I couldn’t be sure. I mean, he hadn’t seemed like one when I’d confessed about the awful things that happened to me back in Kentucky—he seemed quite the opposite actually—but people viewed child rape and prostitution differently, even if the latter was still conducted without the consent of the victim.
It was a hot-button issue, and one I was passionate about.
For obvious reasons.
Which, speaking of consent...
I was moments away from making a decision regarding how I wanted to be touched, a first for me. My body, my choice, for the first time in my life.
Needless to say, I was a ball of frickin’ nerves.
Stomach twisted in a thousand knots, I stood next to my closet door and stared at Chase, who was laying on my bed, his fingers laced behind his head. Sculpted biceps on full display, just looking at him made me ache in places I’d never ached before.
A whole lot.
“Chase,” I mumbled, fidgeting in place. “Is it okay if I try something?”
Pulling his attention from the black and white documentary that played on the small TV sitting atop my dresser, he quirked a brow. “What do you want to try?”
Feeling like I may faint at any moment, I bit my bottom lip, not knowing how he would react to what I intended to do next. But with my parents, Felix and Lucca all out of the house, I needed to get a move-on if I wanted to conquer the first of many demons blocking my way to finding the path to healing.
Be brave, I told myself.
You can handle this.
It’s just Chase.
No one else.
“I want to try and touch you.”
That got his attention.
Slowly removing his hands from behind his head, he wordlessly crooked a single finger, beckoning me closer.
Nervous as could be, I nodded and headed his way. Reaching the bed, I stopped. “Can you”—I pointed to his hands—“will you put those back behind your head?”
It was a request he obliged.
Glancing at my door to make sure the lock was engaged—it was—I pulled in a deep breath and summoned every ounce of courage I harbored inside me. Then, with my heart beating double-time, I pinched the hem of the blue babydoll-style dress that I wore and ripped it over my head, leaving me in nothing but a simple pair of white panties.
Eyes locked with mine, Chase didn’t drop his gaze, an action I thought he’d immediately take. “Ashley,” he said, jaw clenched. “Tell me I can look at you.”
His words, combined with his deep baritone made my toes curl, while the simple fact that he’d asked for my permission before looking went straight to my heart, making it swell.
Fighting the urge to cover my bare breasts with my hands, I said, “I want you to look at me. Chase, please, I—”
Burning up, my words died on my lips as his sweltering gaze raked across my chest, sending the butterflies that lived in my belly into a frenzy. Swallowing, I stood straighter, a hint of desire working its way through me as his eyes glazed over right before mine. Feeling a little bit lost and a whole lot foolish, I forced a shaky smile.
“I don’t know what to do,” I whispered, the plan I’d made and meticulously gone over at least a hundred times quickly going to hell in a handbasket. “I had this all worked out in my head and now...”
“Sweetness.” I watched with rapt attention as he raised his hands in the air, keeping them in full view as he sat up, his eyes hooded with undeniable desire. “Let me take the lead on this.”
Unsure, I took a small step back.
“I won’t hurt you,” he continued, his smooth voice caressing my silky skin. “I’d die a thousand painful deaths first.”
Call me foolish, call me hopelessly naïve, call me whatever, but I believed him.
God help me, I did.
“Chase...”
“I’m right here, beautiful girl,” he said, his chest expanding and then deflating. “Not going anywhere, either.”
I didn’t doubt him.
Not for a single second.
Pushing my bangs from my eyes, I climbed onto the bed, kneeling next to his hip. Unsure what to do with my hands, I rested them on my thighs. “Can you take your shirt off?”
Fisting the cotton material behind his neck, he ripped it off in one smooth move, bearing his upper body to me for the first time.
Hard pecs and defined abs...
It was all I saw.
Feeling heat build in my core, I shifted in place, moving my hips from one side to the other. “Can I touch you?” The words tumbled from my lips effortlessly, surprising me. I’d expected to be scared and filled to the brim with trepidation.
But I wasn’t.
The only thing I felt was anxious.
That was normal, right?
Gently wrapping his fingers around my right wrist, Chase placed my hand on the left side of his chest, directly above his galloping heart. Its strong rhythm bled into my palm, helping to calm my ever-present anxiety.
“Ashley, baby, tell me that I can touch you,” he said, mirroring the words I’d spoken moments before. “Because unless you say yes, my hands are staying right where they are.”
My throat clogged with emotion.
Though he knew a small blip of the ugliness that comprised my past, he’d never understand how much those words meant to me, a girl who’d never been given a choice.
Voice completely lost, I couldn’t answer.
So, instead, I chose to give him permission in another way, one that made me feel empowered and beautiful, both feelings that were new to me.
Raising up the slightest bit, I s
wung my right leg over his hips and climbed on top of him, straddling his waist. A gasp—one of shock and a small amount of fear—spilled from my lips when my center bumped the hard-as-steel erection lining his sweats.
“Ignore it,” he said, teeth gritted. “Crazy fucker has a mind of its own.”
The short burst of laughter that tumbled out of me quickly turned to a low moan when he adjusted his hips, bouncing me the slightest bit in return.
It was such a small move, but one that gave me my first taste of something other than pain.
Out of all the times my body had been forced to accept another, I’d never felt anything close to pleasure. But with just one unintentional twist of his hips, Chase had given me a hint of the ecstasy to come.
An ecstasy that only he could give me.
“Tell me what you need,” he said, his voice quiet. “I’ll only do what you want.”
“Promise?” I asked between shaky breaths.
“I swear it.”
Removing my hand from his chest, I straightened. “Kiss me.”
Wasting no time, he sat up straight, pressing his chest to mine. I hissed, the small contact burning my skin. Chase’s eyes flared. “Want me to stop?”
I shook my head, knowing I needed to work through the pain and agonizing memories that were beginning to stir. “Just don’t close your eyes.” It was such a silly-sounding request but one that I desperately needed. “It keeps them away.”
My voice cracked as the past fought to rush forward.
“Who, Ashley?”
Shaky hands cupped his handsome face, I moved my lips closer to his. “The demons,” I replied honestly. “When you look at me it makes them go away.”
Arms wrapped around me, he trailed his fingertips down my spine, making my back arch. “Then I’ll never look away. Not until we vanquish every last one.”
With each word, he chipped away the walls surrounding my heart. Before long, there would be nothing left to protect me from falling irrevocably head over heels in love with him.
Done with the space between us, I touched my lips to his, stealing a kiss. Hungry for more than sweet and simple, I ran my tongue along the seam of his mouth.
Every Kiss You Steal: A Redeeming Love Novel (Book 7) Page 16
