Tears, ones which never seemed to stop, filled my tired eyes before spilling onto my trembling thighs. A cruel reminder of the most recent nightmare I found myself stuck in, I hated the sight of them.
The only thing I hated more was myself.
“Ashley,” Chase said, from behind me where he sat on the sofa, his concern-filled gaze boring holes into my back. “Beautiful girl, talk to me.”
Eyes sliding closed, I dug my fingers into my sides, flinching at the familiar bite of pain. Knowing that the time had come for me to destroy every last tie binding Chase to me, I took an anguished breath. Then, with my stomach in knots, I whispered the five words I’d rehearsed a million times, understanding full-well what would happen once they were spoken.
Those words? I can’t do this anymore.
In an instant, the surrounding air shifted, becoming colder with each tick of the grandfather clock that stood tall in front of me, its refinished face seeming to mock me as time moved on while the world around me stood still.
I’m going to destroy him.
He’s going to hate me.
I’ll never get over him.
He’ll move on.
“Yeah,” Chase said, his voice deep as could be. “You’re gonna need to explain that one, Sweetness. What can’t you do?”
Digging my fingers in deeper, I tilted my head to the side, one tear after another falling. “This. Us,” I whispered, unrestrained hurt swirling in my empty stomach. “I can’t do either any longer.”
A black cloud formed at my words.
Sorrow rained down, drenching me in pain.
Chase’s sneakers squeaked against the hardwood as he jumped to his feet. Rounding me, he stood before me; pure beauty mixed with undeniable panic. “What do you mean you can’t do us anymore?”
Life, being the cruel bitch that she was, began to slowly wrench my chest wide open, eviscerating my tired heart one tiny slice at a time as I stared into his fear-filled eyes. “You and me...” My voice trailed off as ice slithered into my veins, chilling my aching flesh further. “We don’t belong together.”
His eyes hardened. “What the hell do you mean we don’t belong together?”
Bending my knees, I folded in on myself, pulling my legs into my chest. “I’m not a good person, Chase. I never have been,” I replied, each word shredding me a little more. “And it’s time you see that.”
“What kind of bullshit are you spouting off?” he hollered, crossing his arms over his muscular chest. “Ashley, I fucking love you! I know you’ve got problems, but it doesn’t matter how much you struggle. As I’ve told you time and time again, I will love you through every bit of it!”
No, he wouldn’t.
Not when he found out that his Sweetness wasn’t so sweet.
I’m nothing but a whore.
Tainted. Broken. Worthless.
Jackhammering heart nearly imploding, I climbed to my feet, standing on my wobbly legs as grief hit me in waves. Both grueling and heartbreaking it was killing me. “If you love me,” I said, forcing my voice to remain steady. “Then let me go.”
His head jerked back as if I’d slapped him. “I will never let you go!”
He didn’t have a choice.
Because I wasn’t giving him one.
Standing my ground, I threw back my own string of harsh words, hoping they nicked his heart enough to leave. Though I knew that I was doing the right thing by pushing him away, my resolve wouldn’t last. My love for him—as toxic as it may have been—was too strong.
“You don’t have a choice!” It was one of the few times I’d raised my voice at him, and judging by the hurt that filled his eyes, my harsh voice and cruel words hit their mark. Still, I wasn’t done. Not yet. “You have always said that it was my choice! My choice if you touched me and my choice if I loved you. And this, us being together,” I said, pointing from him to myself, “is my choice too.”
Body quaking, he glared at me, betrayal dancing in his eyes. “So, what, you’re just going to choose to stop loving me now?”
That would never happen.
And as much as I didn’t want to admit the truth to him, I couldn’t hold myself back. “I will never stop loving you!” One of the fraying strings holding my heart in place snapped. “Not ever! But Chase, I can’t do this. Not anymore.” Stumbling back, I slid my hands into my hair, fisting the locks tight. “My entire being is splintering at the seams, and I’m so frickin’ consumed with secrets, regrets, and guilt that I can’t even breathe!”
“Ashley, I’ll help—”
No, no, no!
“The only way you can help me is by walking away!”
“Fuck that,” he barked, hands going to his hips. “Two years ago, I swore that I would never stop holding on, and I meant it! If you think for one second that I’m going to let your demons—”
“You have no choice!” I screamed, my shrill scream echoing through the empty house.
Both hurt and furious, he fisted his hands, and even though I knew he’d never harm me, I flinched, my eyes slamming shut.
It was a reaction he didn’t miss.
“It’s because of him, isn’t it?” He didn’t give me a chance to reply before continuing to shout, his every emotion bubbling up and out of him. “It’s because of that piece of shit that you want me to walk away! What, you think I’m going to turn out like him? Ashley, I am not abusive, I never will be, and I will fucking die before I hurt you. You have got to goddamn trust—”
“You don’t know anything about what Dominic did to me!” I screamed, interrupting him. “And you will never know because I won’t tell you! Not when every truth I’ve buried would erase every bit of love you’ve ever had for me!”
It was more than I wanted to say.
But the words wouldn’t stop.
“Nothing you say will ever change the way I feel about you.” He was wrong. So damn wrong. “How many times do I have to say that?”
“You may think that now, Chase, but you don’t know my secrets and you—”
Face twisting, every ounce of softness he’d portrayed minutes before vanished. “Because you won’t tell me!” he snarled. “I may not know whatever shit it is that you’ve got buried in your head, but, baby, one thing I do know without a doubt is this. Those hidden truths you’ve locked away are toxic, and they are exactly what is poisoning you, along with everything we have!”
Toxic.
Poison.
He’d hit the nail on the head, driving a railroad spike straight through my chest with just two words. “You’re right,” I whispered, my frantic shouts turning to a mere whisper. “I am poison, and everyone that gets too close dies.” With my world shifting on its axis, I staggered backward, leaving pieces of my shattered heart in my wake. “It’s best you see that now instead of when it’s too late.”
“That’s not what I...”
Brows furrowed, he reached for me.
But I evaded his grasp, stumbling back once more. My back met the living room wall with a soft thud, rattling the pictures affixed to its surface. “It doesn’t matter what you meant. The truth is the truth, just like my past is my past. I can’t change either. The only thing I can change is what I allow to happen from now on. And I can’t....” My dark locks stuck to my sweat-slicked skin, and I shook my head, the words not wanting to come. “I can’t be with you. Not when a million things are waiting to rip us apart, and not when I know that you’re too good for me.”
Agony-fueled tears, ones mirroring my own, began to fall from Chase’s eyes. Cascading down his high cheekbones and angular jaw, they dripped to the floor, each one in sync with the drops of blood that seeped from my maimed heart. “My father, the monster who helped create me, is dead, and shit is supposed to be easier now that he’s in Hell where he belongs.”
He paused, his jaw clenching. “But right this second, I feel like I’m right there beside him, kneeling at the devil’s goddamn feet, because what you’re doing, what you’re forcing me to do,
hurts worse than an eternity of damnation ever could.”
Another of my fraying strings broke.
“I can’t force you to want me,” he said, his tears falling faster. “But I am begging you to keep me because I love you, Ashley Jo Moretti. I love you with every piece of me.”
“I love you too, but—”
“So then that’s it then,” he interrupted. “After all this all the time and after everything we’ve been through, your demons are still going to win.”
It wasn’t a question.
It was a statement.
And one which was true.
“It’s the only way.”
Eyes never leaving mine, he shook his head. “No, Sweetness, it’s not. But it’s the way you chose, and because of that, I don’t have any choice but to walk away. Not after I swore to you that I’d never take something from you that you weren’t willing to give. And if you aren’t willing to give me your whole heart, as broken as it may be, then I can’t keep you either.”
The final string snapped.
And I broke like never before.
Full out sobs jerked my body as Chase closed the space between us and gently pressed his lips to my forehead. “You will always be my girl,” he whispered, his tears falling onto my cheeks and mixing with my own. “And I will love you until the day I take my final breath.”
Without another word, he walked away.
Legs collapsing, I fell to the floor, the pain streaking through me becoming unbearable. And it was there, on my living room floor, in the center of my parents’ home, that my soul, along with every bit of light that remained in me, flickered out.
Part Four
From Ashes Love Rises
“True love will always be enough.”
— Shelby Moretti
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chase
Eighteen Months Later
My footsteps echoed throughout the concrete tunnel that led from the stadium to the secure parking lot where my SUV sat, parked near the entrance. Like always, I was the last one to leave, and with nothing but the sound of my steady pace to keep me company, my mind wandered to the same place it always did.
To her.
529 days had passed since I did as she asked and let her go, the sounds of her heart-wrenching wails following me as I walked away and crossed the street where I climbed into my Jeep.
A crying, fucked up mess, I’d just stuck my fisted hand into the dash, busting my knuckles wide open when I caught sight of Grandmama standing next to her Cadillac, purse in hand. Eyes fixated on Ashley’s house, the tormented look on her face mirrored my own as she wept, the oversized pink sun hat she wore atop her head shaking as her body quaked with each of her sobs.
If a sliver of my heart remained intact, it would’ve broken at the sight. But the moment Ashley told me I had no choice but to walk away from everything we’d fought to have, the entire thing shriveled up and died, leaving nothing behind but ash.
Since then, I hadn’t seen her.
As much as it gutted me not to hear the sound of her quiet voice or smell the sweet scent of her peach perfume, I knew it was for the best. Messed up as it may seem, I didn’t know if I could be close and not pull her into my arms.
It was one helluva problem to have considering that in less than forty-eight hours, my brother was getting married to the one and only girl he’d ever loved.
Heidi.
A miracle in every sense of the word, not only had Bug survived the accident which should’ve killed her, but she was thriving. Though she’d never walk again thanks to the spinal injury she’d suffered, she was doing good.
Real damn good.
I only wished I could bring Clyde back from the depths of Hell where he no doubt now resided, just so I could kill him all over again with my bare hands. The piece of shit had abused my brother, ruined my childhood, terrified my girl, and almost killed Heidi.
I truly hoped the devil was shoving a pineapple right up his sorry ass on the daily, sans lube. Christ knows he deserved nothing less. Not after all the torment he’d caused, the pain he’d doled out, and the permanent scars he’d inflicted.
But none of that mattered anymore.
Because he was gone.
Dead.
Burning in Hell.
And we didn’t speak his name anymore.
Not ever.
Reaching the end of the tunnel, I crossed the dark parking lot and jumped into my Jeep, the same one I’d had since my senior year of high school. It was a curse because I couldn’t even sit inside it without seeing her.
Window rolled down, dark hair blowing in the wind. Bare feet and painted toes propped up on the dash. The sound of her cries as she confessed to being raped as a child.
Every memory, both good and bad, haunted me each time I sat behind the driver’s seat. I’d considered—more than once—selling it and buying something new, but I could never bring myself to do it.
I’d already lost Ashley.
I couldn’t lose the memories too.
Without them, I’d die.
And that’s not me being overly dramatic. Empty on the inside, I already felt like I was slipping away. If what little I did still have of her disappeared, it would be my undoing.
Of that, I had no doubt.
Starting the engine, I drove out of the parking lot, made a right on Stadium Drive, and followed the path that would lead me to the interstate. Once on the highway, I sped to my apartment, more than ready to climb into bed and forget the hours that had passed.
Sleep never brought me peace—ever—but each time I laid in bed at night and closed my eyes, I could pretend.
No longer faced with reality, I imagined I was back in high school, tucked away in the corners of the library with Ashley sitting across from me, a pile of books between us. I also fantasized about being back in the apartment that I’d once shared with Ty, tucked in my bed, with my girl wrapped up in my arms. But mostly, I let my mind take me back to the night we stood in her bathroom, her nude body pressed against me as she whispered the confession that had come to mean more to me than anything else ever had.
She should have been yours.
One sentence.
Five words.
They had hit me straight in the chest.
Because yeah, Addie should’ve been mine.
Just like her Mama always would be.
Making it home, I parked in the garage reserved for tenants who lived in the same downtown building as me, jumped out, and made my way toward the entrance.
At the front door, I was greeted by Leo, the smiling security guard who patrolled the property each night. “Good game tonight, Jacobs,” he said. “Heard you rushed for over a hundred yards. That’s what’s up man.”
I lifted my chin in the air but said nothing in return. I never did. Not anymore. The only time I ever spoke was during team meetings and on the field. I didn’t want any friends. Hell, I didn’t even want acquaintances.
All I wanted was my Sweetness.
And that would never change.
Not until the day I die.
After riding the elevator to my top floor apartment, I moved down the hall until I reached my door. My open laptop rang with a FaceTime call notification as I slipped inside.
Knowing that it was my brother, I tossed my wallet and keys onto the small table by the door and headed into my kitchen. Seated at the six-person dining table, I answered the call.
I smiled when my brother’s face appeared on the screen, followed by a giggling Lily Ann, who was Heidi’s toddler niece and Carissa’s only daughter. “Ace!” she hollered, waving frantically. “Saw you pay!”
The kid never failed to warm my cold, dead heart.
“Yeah? Did you see me get the crap knocked out of me by that linebacker who broke through the line and about broke me in the process too?”
She nodded and clapped her hands once. “You went boom!”
That got a chuckle out of me. “Yeah, sweet girl, I sur
e did.”
Ty quirked a brow. “Should’ve been paying attention. Then you could’ve dropped back and made a run for it. Could’ve easily picked up the first down that way.”
He was full of shit.
The pocket collapsed before I could blink. Wasn’t going to argue with him though. If there was one thing I’d learned about my brother, it was that the idiot always had to have the final say. Which was funny considering he was marrying Heidi, ’cause he sure as hell never got the final say with her.
Karma sure was a bitch.
“Sure,” I replied, biting back the fuck you I wanted to sling his way. “I’ll try to keep an eye out next time, big bro.”
He smirked, not missing the pissiness lining my tone. “What time are you coming into town tomorrow? The trip from Atlanta takes you what... two hours? Rehearsal supper is at six, but you know Grandmama is going all out. She’s got a big ol’ family breakfast and lunch planned. Between her and the rest of the Crazy Chick Club,” he said, referring to all the women who worked at the shelter that Ashley volunteered at, “I’m about to go flippin’ nuts.”
I had no doubt all the ladies were driving him batty. Over the last couple of years, each one of them had moved onto the same street as Ashley and Grandmama, buying up all the adjoining properties. Hell, Ty even built Heidi a house at the end of the cul-de-sac directly next to Carissa and her husband, Kyle’s house.
It was a gorgeous place.
Though it wasn’t big and it wasn’t fancy—something Heidi would’ve despised—it was really nice with its simple brick exterior, open floor plan, and huge, fenced-in backyard.
It was the perfect place to raise a family.
Not that I knew anything about that.
“Ty, bro,” I said, getting back to the conversation at hand. “I probably won’t get there until right before the rehearsal supper.”
His jaw clenched as irritation brewed in his stormy blue eyes.
Kissing Lily Ann on the head, he lifted her off his lap and stood her on the floor next to him. “Tink, how about you go play with Ryker for a bit?” He pointed to Evan and Hope’s oldest son. “He’s over there with Colby and Wyatt.”
Every Kiss You Steal: A Redeeming Love Novel (Book 7) Page 27
