by Naomi West
“We’ll get you there,” I say. I hold out a hand. “Come on, baby girl. Let’s get you fixed up.”
I manage to persuade her off the couch and into the shower. I can hear her crying in there while I call around to find someplace to take her. I don’t know shit about spas and shopping, but I know Lipstick. And I know how much better she’ll feel when she’s looking more like her old self. She’s about seven months along, and her stomach is big. She complains about the stretchmarks.
She’s been to visit Rod every week and he tells her he loves it, loves the way her stomach looks now that she’s carrying his baby. She doesn’t believe him, tells me there’s no way a guy who can barely be faithful would be into a woman so heavily pregnant. I tell her time and time again that men like how their ladies look when they’re pregnant. She says how would I know, I ain’t ever had an old lady, especially not a pregnant one.
After she showers, I take her to the salon, handing her off with a pleading look to a woman who promises to get her back to me looking and feeling great.
“By three, okay?” I say. “I gotta get her to the doctor’s office by three-thirty.”
The woman smiles at me, a little moony-eyed. She says to Lipstick, “Why, so many women I know would die to have a husband so attentive and caring.”
Lipstick laughs. “Well, he’s not my husband. He’s my old man’s best friend. So you should tell those ladies to get in line. He’s single.”
I roll my eyes and tell her I’ll be back, leaving her and the flirty employee to their business while I go down the road to some shop for pregnant ladies. I feel like a right pussy walking around looking for dresses and I finally give up and beg some lady for help. She’s pregnant and looks about Lipstick’s size.
“You’re looking a little green,” she says, noticing me.
“Green?” I ask.
“Like, sick?” she says.
“Oh, Jesus, yes,” I say. “I’m shoppin’ for a friend and I know jack-diddly about maternity clothes. My friend’s feeling fat and uncomfortable. She’s a fashionable lady but she’s in, like, sweats all the time now. I thought I’d grab her some nice things, but I don’t know where to begin.”
“That’s so sweet,” she says with a broad smile. “What’s her size?”
“No clue,” I say. “I mean, about like you, I guess. She was on the small size before.”
“Okay, let me help you,” she says.
We wander around and she asks me about Lipstick’s taste pre-baby. I try to find a nice way to say “slutty,” but in the end I just say she liked to show off her body. The lady pulls some dresses out, some leggings and long tunics. I end up buying like six outfits because I have no idea what she’ll feel good in.
When I show back up at three, Lipstick’s hair looks better, her makeup, nails, and toes are done, and she’s smiling broadly as I walk in with bags of clothing. She waddles off to try things on, and after like fifteen minutes, she comes out in a pair of jeans and a long sweater.
“You look great,” I say. “All that stuff gonna work?”
“It’s all great, Axel. Thank you so much for today. I needed it.”
She gives me a kiss on the cheek and we head out to her doctor’s appointment.
Right when I walk in, though? First I see dumbass Phillip in his khaki pants and polo shirt. Then a glowing and unmistakably pregnant Millie.
“What the fuck?” I say out loud.
All heads in the waiting room turn.
***
Millie
The nurse has just called my name when they walk in. There is the blonde woman I saw on the news, the one who was crying and carrying on while Hard Rod was being arrested. And by her side? Axel.
My heart stops, I think, for a second, as he meets my eyes first, followed by a quick glance that lands on my slightly-protruding stomach. He curses, loudly enough to turn heads. I feel my cheeks go hot and I’m sure I’m seven shades of pink as I walk back toward the door that will shut me away from the father of my baby.
“Want me to get rid of him?” Phillip asks.
I shake my head, following the nurse back to the exam room. She hands me a gown and asks me to change.
As I do, Phillip says, “What the fuck’s he doing here? Did he knock that chick up? Is that the way that fucker operates? He just goes around making babies all over the place?”
“No,” I say. “That’s his best friend’s girl from what I know. His friend recently got arrested on a drug charge. Axel’s probably just helping her out while Rod’s in jail.”
“Real nice group of people, Millie,” he says. “Good fucking riddance to that mess.”
I don’t answer because it’s not worth it to argue with him. But inside, I’m just thinking how sweet it is that Axel is bringing that woman to her appointment. He had his hand on her back as they entered. He was caring for her and it really made me long for him, to have him care for me and my baby that way, too.
The doctor comes in and does the exam. I get to hear the baby’s heartbeat first and it brings tears to my eyes, just like it has for every other visit. There is a little person in there. A person with ten fingers, ten toes, and a heartbeat like a little hummingbird.
“Do you want to know the sex?” the doctor asks as he pulls out the ultrasound machine.
“I do,” I say. I look at Phillip and suddenly, I don’t really want him in here for this. I wish I could ask for Axel to come in, to hear this news with me. He deserves to know, right? At least that this baby is his. That he’s got a son or daughter on the way. I feel like I might cry. I don’t want Phillip to see it, to ask questions.
“Can I … run to the restroom?” I ask. “Before you start?”
The doctor chuckles. “That exam can mess with the bladder. Sure thing.”
I hop off the exam table and wrap my gown as tightly as I can around my body, running for the restroom, getting the door shut just barely before melting into a puddle of tears. I had no idea what it would feel like to see him again. It’s been months. I thought maybe my feelings were truly just sexual, that maybe he’d just awoken something in me that I didn’t know was there. I became a sexual being when I was with him. But seeing him … I ache. I ache for what might have been, if things had been different.
When I finally make my way back to the exam room, I tell the doctor I don’t want to know. I want it to be a surprise. Phillip looks at me suspiciously, but doesn’t argue. I’m glad, because in my hormonal, emotional state, I might just tell him it’s because I don’t want him to know. The doctor must sense some hesitancy on my part, because he offers to write it down and put it in a sealed envelope. I can look at it later, if I want to. He gives me a few ultrasound pictures to take home as well, and when Phillip tries to look at them, I put them quickly into my purse.
I feel like a jerk. He’s been kind and helpful, even though he has no real reason to be. Not after I told him we would never get back together. He’s the only person I know who is here, doing this, supporting me this way. I know he hopes I’ll change my mind. He’s as much as told me he’s happy to remain my friend, but he hopes I’ll come back to him, allow him to help me raise the baby. He’s hoping I’ll put his name on the birth certificate. How messed up would that be?
We finish the appointment and I ask Phillip to run to the parking garage and get the car, so I don’t have to walk.
As I wait outside the building, Axel appears. I feel his large presence before I even turn to confirm it’s him.
“Millie,” he says, his voice so deep that I feel the heaviness of it in my belly. His voice turns me on.
I turn to look at him and—ugh—he’s so gorgeous. He has that cigarette behind his ear. His hair flops into one eye. His lips. His cheekbones. The guy missed his calling as a male model, I swear.
“Do you even smoke?” I ask, reaching out and touching the cigarette where it rests.
He shakes his head. “Not so much anymore. Sometimes, if I’m feeling stressed out. It’s more of
a comfort thing. A habit thing. Having it there.”
“Where’s your girlfriend?” I ask. I feel spiteful.
Axel sees through it. “You know she’s not my girlfriend.”
“Who is she, then?”
“She’s Rod’s old lady. Seven months along and a hot mess after his arrest. I’m trying to help her out until he gets loose.”
“Loose?” I ask. Then I shake my head. “Never mind. I don’t want to know.”
“Millie,” he says again. “I’ve tried calling you for a month. Tried coming to the house. Tried work. Where have you been?”
“I’ve been busy,” I say. “And I didn’t want to see you.”
“Well, I wanted to see you,” he answers.
“Too bad, Axel. What we had, it was just sex. Really, really good sex, I’ll admit, but just sex. There is nothing between us. We hardly knew each other. There’s no reason to hold onto something that wasn’t real.”
“That’s not true and you know it,” he says. “There is something between us. More than sex. A connection, and I want us to figure out what it means.”
“It doesn’t mean anything,” I say. “We would never work. We’re too different.”
“I think you’re saying what you think other people will say. You’re this white-collar administrative chick in heels and dresses. I’m this big, stupid biker dude. What would your parents think? Your neighbors?”
“I never called you stupid,” I say.
“Look, I know what people think of me when they look at me,” he says. “I know that they think I look dangerous. Keep the kids away from that weird-looking guy. I know you’d be embarrassed to take me home to meet your parents. They’d ask what I do for a living, and what the fuck would I say?”
I bite my lip because I don’t want to admit that he’s a little bit right. I’ve talked myself into believing that I can’t be with him because he’s in a motorcycle club. He’s too tough, too tied into crime. He wouldn’t be a good father for my baby. Wouldn’t be able to provide for us.
In my heart, though, I believe he could change, would change, for us. I believe he’d be a wonderful partner and an even better father. I can feel it in my bones. But how could we even begin to cross the bridge? To get to a place where we both could be happy? I can’t imagine him just abandoning everything he knows, just for us.
“Is that my baby?” he asks after I go a few moments without answering.
“I’m not pregnant,” I say. “I just gained a few pounds.”
“Why you at the baby doctor, then?”
“Baby doctor? It’s an obstetrician and gynecologist. I’m just here for a regular annual exam.”
“Why would dickwad Phillip need to be with you for that?” he asks.
“Because I thought I might have to have a light outpatient procedure. I thought I might need someone to drive me home.”
He eyeballs me, his nostrils flared. “You’re lying, Millie. I can tell.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Axel.”
“I just want you to tell me the truth,” he says. “I may be a lot of things but a liar isn’t one of them. I’ve never lied to you, so don’t lie to me.”
I grit my teeth. Blow a big breath out through my mouth. Look around at everything except for the hulking man in front of me.
Finally, I say, “Yes. Okay. I’m pregnant.”
“And?” he asks.
I meet his gaze and see only hope there. No anger. No worry. Hope.
“It’s yours,” I blurt. “Of course, it’s yours.”
He smiles. A real, wide smile that I have only seen on him one time. Only once, while we were in bed together. He falls to his knees and kisses the little lump at my midsection.
“Hey, little one,” he says quietly. He doesn’t care that he’s on a city street, in front of cars and passersby. “I’m your dad.”
He stands and pulls me to him in a fierce hug. “I fucking knew it,” he says. “I knew it.”
“Just because …” I start. I pull out of his embrace. “Just because it’s yours doesn’t mean anything. We’re not together. This doesn’t change anything.”
“The hell it doesn’t,” he says. “This is our kid. Our baby. I ain’t goin’ anywhere.”
“We’ll have to work something out,” I say. “Like, when you can visit. I can’t have the baby around the Rippers. That lifestyle is not for kids. I don’t even want our child to know what a motorcycle club is.”
“It’s not all about crime and shit,” he says. “There are good things about it, too.”
“Whatever,” I say. “It’s not what I want for my baby. That’s rule number one.”
He stares at me. He still looks a little dreamy, staring at my belly. I don’t think this is sinking in.
“Just … let me spend some time with you,” he says. “Let’s talk.”
“What is there to talk about, Axel?” I ask.
“Us. This,” he says.
“There is no us.”
He pulls me to him again, suddenly, his lips pressing against mine. I feel all that want unspool in my belly. All the want that I have directed to my overused vibrator this past month. All the want that makes me dream of fucking him six ways from Sunday. I wake up sweaty, my panties soaked, my clit pulsing with want. Just the touch of his lips makes me feel like I might combust. Yes, the attraction is definitely real. Definitely still there.
As he pulls away, his eyes are dark with desire but there is more there, too. Something more than just lust.
“Loving you …” I say, “It’s so complicated. It’s confusing.”
“You love me?” he asks.
“I … don’t know how I feel about you,” I say. “I don’t know how to feel.”
“That’s something,” he says. “It’s not nothing, and I think we should talk soon. I need to go back in and check on Lipstick, but I want to tell you …”
“Oh my God,” Phillip says. I didn’t notice him pull up or get out of the car. “I can’t leave you alone for four seconds without this Cro-Magnon creep getting up in your business.”
“Phillip,” Axel says tersely. “So nice to see you again. Please fuck off.”
“I’m sorry, did you bring Millie to her appointment today? Were you the one she called for help? I didn’t think so. Go back to your other baby mama. I’ve got this one covered.”
“Phillip,” I say sharply. “I told you that Axel’s not the father of that woman’s baby.”
“All those guys fuck anything that moves,” Phillip says. “Bunch of whores lying around waiting to screw whoever shows up.”
“You better shut your mouth about things you don’t know anything about,” Axel growls.
“Oh, come on,” Phillip says. “You’re not good enough for Millie. That world isn’t good enough for her. You need to go crawl back under your rock. Let a grown up handle this mess you made.”
“Mess?” Axel asks. “I don’t consider creating a life a mess at all. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with me?” Phillip asks, his voice getting high and weird. “You swoop in and fuck my girl? Get her knocked up? Disappear on her? I’m the one who’s been hanging around. I’m the one waiting for the sloppy seconds, waiting for her to let me back in so I can pick up the pieces you left behind, give her some dignity with this fucked-up situation.”
I suck in a breath. “Phillip, do you hear yourself?” I ask. “I’m an adult. I have a job. I can raise my baby on my own. I never asked you for a thing, and the way you’re talking is not very respectful.”
“Come on,” Phillip says, rolling his eyes. “You’re like a walking cliché right now, Millie. How do either of us even know this isn’t some other fucker’s baby? You have been a total whore lately.”
Bam. Axel cold-cocks Phillip, knocking him right onto his ass.
Phillip isn’t knocked out completely, but he’s definitely scrambled. He tries to get up but has to sit back down again. Blood leaks from his no
se, which is now crooked, most likely broken. Color blooms below his eyes.
I’m frozen for a moment, not sure which man to attend to first. Axel was defending my honor, fighting back against probably the vilest thing Phillip has ever said to me. All the same, Phillip is hurt. So I stoop down to help him back on his feet. He’s so dazed, he doesn’t even have a nasty comment for Axel. I think he’s probably got a concussion.
“Great,” I say to Axel. “Now I’ll have to babysit him all night long.”
“He’s a piece of shit,” Axel says. “You should leave him here to rot.”
