by Kate Hardy
Babies.
How ironic that this was his vocation, the job he loved so much.
After losing Hestia and the baby, Jamie hadn’t wanted to see another baby or child ever again. But he wasn’t going to throw all those years of hard work and studying away and change his career. Hestia would never have forgiven him for that. But, unable to face the pity of his team at the hospital where he’d worked in south London, he’d switched to working as a locum. No involvement, no closeness, no risk of heartache. He stayed for no longer than three months in one place; as soon as his locum cover was finished, he moved on to the next job. That was how his life had been for the last two and a half years, and that was how he intended it to stay. Utterly within his comfort zone.
* * *
Anna finished writing up her notes for the last patient of her morning’s clinic, then headed to the office where she’d met Jamie Thurston earlier. ‘Ready?’ she asked from the doorway.
‘Yes.’ He logged out of the files he’d been reviewing, then came to join her.
‘Did Robert introduce you to everyone when you started this morning, or would you like to meet everyone now?’
‘Robert introduced me,’ Jamie said.
‘That’s great. OK. I’m assuming he also showed you the staff kitchen?’
‘Yes.’
‘Just the canteen, then,’ she said, ‘and filling you in on the social side of the ward.’
‘Social side?’
Was it her imagination, or did Jamie look a bit antsy? ‘We’re a close team. We do a lot of things together outside work,’ she said. ‘And we try to do stuff that includes partners and children.’
He said nothing, simply nodded.
‘Locums count as part of the team,’ she said softly. But she shut up when she noticed his slight frown. Maybe he was shy. And it was his first day on the team, so she should cut him some slack.
She left it until they’d bought lunch and found a quiet table in the canteen. ‘I guess it’s because I have bossy tendencies,’ she said, smiling to take the sting from her words, ‘but I organise most of the ward’s social stuff. I’ve had the venue for the team Christmas dinner booked since July, but I don’t have to give the absolute final numbers or confirm everyone’s menu choices to the pub for another week or so.’
* * *
Jamie’s wrap stopped tasting like sweet chilli chicken and turned to ashes in his mouth.
Christmas.
No.
Since Hestia’s death, he didn’t do Christmas. There weren’t tidings of comfort and joy, as far as he was concerned. Just the bleak midwinter, and the radio playing songs saying how it would be lonely at Christmas, or begging the singer’s loved one to come home for Christmas, or, worse still, the song Hestia had loved and danced around the house to with him, making him sing along with her. The most popular modern song, the one that seemed to be playing all the time in December, no matter which radio station he chose.
All Hestia had wanted for Christmas was him. And their baby.
That was what he’d wanted, too.
What he’d actually got was a double funeral. All those plans, all the happiness and excitement, had sunk into a black hole. It was just over three years ago now, and everyone had expected him to move on. But he couldn’t. It was too, too hard.
Which was why he worked as a locum.
And why he flatly refused social invitations from family and friends alike, since the time they’d all clearly talked about him and decided he needed help to move on, and had set him up at a dinner party with a suitably single woman. A nice, sweet woman who deserved so much more than the wreckage that had once been Jamie Thurston. He’d been polite, the first couple of times it had happened, but then he’d refused invitations so he wouldn’t be put in an awkward position again. He didn’t need to be fixed up with anyone. He didn’t want anyone else in his life.
‘Sorry. I don’t think—’ he began, but Anna had already fished her phone out of her pocket.
‘It’s very much a foodie pub, so the food’s utterly amazing,’ she said. ‘The smoked salmon pậté is to die for.’
Die. Yeah. Jamie knew all about dying and death. Though this wasn’t Anna’s fault. She didn’t know him, so she’d have no idea how inappropriate that phrase was.
‘If you’re veggie or vegan, the avocado on toast with chilli jam is fantastic. Or the spiced pumpkin soup,’ she continued.
He didn’t want to even think about a ward Christmas dinner, let alone go to one.
‘They do the best roast potatoes in the world—better even than my mum’s, which is saying a lot,’ she said. ‘Crispy on the outside and fluffy in the middle. And they stir-fry the Brussels sprouts with lemon and chilli. There’s traditional turkey, sea bass if you prefer fish, or parsnip and chestnut Wellington for the veggie/vegan option.’ She passed her phone to him so he could see the menu for himself. ‘Obviously there’s traditional Christmas pudding or cheese, but I guarantee the chocolate Venetian cake will ruin you for any other pudding.’
He blinked at her.
‘Or I can email everything over to you, if you want to take a bit of time choosing. It’s the first Friday evening in December, at half-past seven,’ she said. ‘And we do a Secret Santa on the ward, too—you pick a name out of the hat, leave your labelled parcel with the secretaries, and Robert puts the ward’s Father Christmas outfit on and dishes them out on the night. Anyone who can’t make it to the dinner gets their parcel at the start of their next shift.’
This was going way, way too fast for him.
She gave him a speculative look. ‘Actually... Robert usually dresses up as Father Christmas for us on the ward on Christmas Day, but this year he’s disappearing off to New York.’ She smiled. ‘I guess his silver wedding anniversary’s a good enough excuse for him not to do it this year. But it means I need a replacement Father Christmas. You’re about the same height as Robert, so the costume would fit you perfectly.’
What? Jamie could barely process this. She wanted him to dress up as Father Christmas?
He couldn’t.
He just couldn’t.
Finally, he found his voice. ‘Sorry. I can’t.’
Something must’ve shown in his eyes, because she winced. ‘I’m so sorry. This is only your first day, and I’m overwhelming you. Let me backtrack a bit. I’ll send you all the stuff about the ward Christmas events, but maybe you’d like to come ten-pin bowling with the team on Friday night as a starter? It’ll give you a chance to meet people you might not have met on the ward yet, and we’re a nice lot. Not everyone’s as...um...steamrollery as me.’
Steamrollery? Yes, she was. But the woman he’d seen on the ward was also kind. She gave patients and their parents time to think about things, and made sure they had all the information they needed so they knew all the facts and could make a good decision about their healthcare plan. She tried to understand their feelings. Yes, she’d overwhelmed him a bit just now, but that was probably just because he hated Christmas.
‘I haven’t been ten-pin bowling in years,’ he said.
‘It doesn’t matter if you’re a bit rusty. I cheat hideously and keep the bumper bars up in my lane,’ she confided, ‘because I can’t bowl in a straight line. Straight to the gutter every time, that’s me.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Sadly, being tall and built like an Amazon doesn’t mean that I’m any good at sport.’
He wanted to refuse the invitation and tell her he didn’t do social stuff.
But her smile disarmed him. It was warm and friendly and ever so slightly goofy, and it shocked him that she could affect him this way. He’d kept his distance from everyone for nearly three years. How could a near-stranger make him feel...?
‘It’s all just a bit of fun, and nobody takes things seriously,’ she said. ‘It’s a chance for everyone to let off a bit of steam and enjoy each other’s c
ompany. Thankfully nobody on the ward is one of those competitive idiots who just have to win all the time; everyone’s really nice.’
Nice. That usually went with kindness. And if his new colleagues found out about his past they’d swamp him in pity. Jamie really, really couldn’t handle that. He’d had more than enough pity to last him a lifetime. He just wanted to be left alone.
‘Thanks for inviting me,’ he said, fully intending to make an excuse and say that he couldn’t make it.
But then the wrong words came out of his mouth, shocking him. ‘I’ll be there.’
What? He didn’t do social stuff.
But it was too late, because she was already looking thrilled that he’d agreed to join them. ‘Fantastic. We normally grab something to eat at the bowling alley, too—I’m afraid it’s not the greatest nutrition because it’s pretty much a choice of pizza, nachos or burger and fries, but it’s edible. Our lanes are booked at seven,’ she said. ‘I’m assuming that you’re new to the area, so I’ll send you directions.’
It was definitely too late to back out now. Or maybe he could invent a last-minute emergency on Friday night and just not go.
‘Let me have your number and your email,’ she said, ‘and I’ll send you everything.’
That smile again. Its warmth melted Jamie’s reluctance, and he found himself giving Anna his number and his email address. A moment or so later, his phone pinged to signify an incoming message.
‘So now you have my number, and I’ll send you all the rest of the stuff after work,’ she said. ‘Welcome to Muswell Hill Memorial Hospital, Jamie.’
CHAPTER TWO
HEADACHE? JAMIE THOUGHT on Friday night. No, because that could be easily fixed with a couple of paracetamol. Bubonic plague? Strictly speaking, that did still exist, but the last case he’d heard of had been in Colorado and that wasn’t quite near enough to London to be plausible; plus if the condition was diagnosed properly it could be cured by the right antibiotic. Held up in traffic? No, because the bowling alley was within walking distance of his flat.
He didn’t have a single believable excuse not to turn up to the team night out.
He did have Anna’s number, so he could just call her and admit that he didn’t want to go. But it felt too mean-spirited and he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it.
And so he found himself outside the bowling alley at five minutes to seven. There was a group of people he recognised in the foyer; Anna detached herself from them and came over to greet him. ‘Hey, Jamie! Glad you could make it.’
He’d seen her several times at work during the week, wearing a smart shirt and skirt beneath her white coat. In jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt, and with her dark wavy hair loose, she looked very different: younger and very, very approachable. He was suddenly aware of her curves and how the faded denim clung to her.
Oh, for pity’s sake. He wasn’t a hormone-laden teenager. He’d seen plenty of women dressed casually.
But they didn’t make him feel suddenly hot all over, the way Anna Maskell did.
Tonight was definitely a mistake. Even if she wasn’t involved with someone, he was only here in Muswell Hill for three months, and then he’d move on. He wasn’t in the market for a relationship, even a temporary one. He could never give his heart again. He’d buried his capacity to love right there in the grave with his wife and his daughter.
But he forced himself to smile back. To fake a semblance of being a normal member of the team. He let her introduce him to the people he hadn’t yet met from their ward, swapped his shoes for bowling shoes, paid for his games, and chipped in his share of the food and drink order. He played the frames along with the rest of the team, sitting squarely in the middle of the scoring and being neither spectacularly good nor spectacularly bad.
Though Anna was playing on his lane, and she’d been right on the money when she’d told him that she was terrible at bowling. Without the bumper bars being put up, her ball would’ve gone straight into the gutter every single time; as it was, she seemed to have a strategy of zig-zagging the ball between the sides of the lane in the hope of hitting the pins in the middle, more by luck than by judgement.
‘Yes! Six pins! Best roll of the night for me so far,’ she whooped as the pins went down.
‘Best roll of the last four years, by my count,’ one of the others teased.
‘I know! How cool is that?’ She punched the air and then grinned. ‘Go, me.’
Everyone else on the team high-fived her, so Jamie felt he had to follow suit.
But when the palm of his hand grazed briefly against hers, it felt like an electric shock.
He was pretty sure she felt it, too, because those beautiful sea-green eyes widened briefly. And for a second it felt as if it was just the two of them in a bubble: the sound of bowling balls thudding against pins on the other lanes, of the electronic scoreboard, of music playing and people laughing and talking, simply melted away.
Then he shook himself. This wasn’t happening. Anna was his colleague for the next few weeks, and then he’d be moving on.
But he couldn’t shift his awareness of her. The tall, energetic, human dynamo of their department. The woman who was definitely attracting him, despite his common sense.
When their food order arrived, they took a break, and Jamie found himself sitting next to Anna. His fingers accidentally brushed against hers as they reached for a piece of pizza at the same time, and again it felt like an electric shock. He was going to have to be really careful.
‘So have you had a chance to look at the Christmas menu yet?’ she asked.
The Christmas meal he really didn’t want to go to. ‘Sorry, no.’
She looked disappointed. ‘Well, we’ve still got a bit of time,’ she said. ‘And maybe I can talk you into being Father Christmas for me.’
He shook his head. ‘Sorry. Absolutely not.’
‘Don’t tell me—you’re allergic to red suits and big white beards?’
If she’d been pushy or snippy or sarcastic, it would’ve been easy to resist. To push back. But this, the jokiness underlain by a sweetness—this was much harder to resist.
He was going to have to tell her the truth.
‘I really don’t like Christmas,’ he said, and waited for her to start probing.
To his surprise, she didn’t.
‘A lot of people find Christmas hard,’ she said. ‘And it’s really rough on our patients and their parents. The patients who are old enough to want to be home with their families and are still young enough to believe in Father Christmas all want to know if that’s what he’ll give them: the chance to go home for Christmas. I hate telling them he can’t do that. The ones who are too old to believe in Father Christmas—for them it’s seeing their families and knowing how much it hurts them to be apart at Christmas, especially when they’re trying to juggle family celebrations with hospital visits and kind of splitting themselves in two. Christmas can be horrible.’
The way she said it made him realise how she felt. ‘But you don’t think it is?’
‘No. I love Christmas,’ she said. ‘I love the way it breaks down barriers and makes people kinder to each other, if only for a few hours. And I love the look of wonder in our younger patients’ faces when Father Christmas strides onto the ward, saying, “Ho-ho-ho,” and hands them a special gift from the Friends of the Hospital. It’s nothing hugely expensive, usually a book or some art stuff or a teddy bear, but enough to show them that Christmas in hospital isn’t completely bad. I bring my guitar in and we sing a few Christmassy songs; being part of that is just amazing. Despite all the worry and the fear, there’s still hope and love.’
Hope and love. Things he’d lost a long time ago.
‘I’m sorry for being pushy. I completely understand that you’d rather not be Father Christmas.’ She gave him a wry smile. ‘It’s really starting to look as if
it’s going to be Mother Christmas this year.’
He suddenly realised what she was getting at. ‘You’re going to dress up in the Santa suit?’
‘I haven’t been able to talk anyone else into it,’ she said, ‘so it’s either no Father Christmas at all, or me. I guess at least I’m tall enough to get away with it.’ She spread her hands and grinned. ‘I might be able to borrow a voice-changer from my nephew or someone and hide it behind the beard. That, or I’m going to be channelling a Shakespearean actor and learning how to do a deep, booming voice.’
Anna Maskell was tall, yes, but there was nothing remotely masculine about her. She wouldn’t convince anyone that she was Father Christmas.
Jamie knew he should be nice and offer to help. But he just couldn’t get the words out.
* * *
Why did Jamie Thurston dislike Christmas so much? Anna wondered.
Maybe he’d had a difficult childhood, one where his family had rowed all the time and Christmas just made things worse—people being forced together for longer periods of time than they could stand each other. The Emergency Department was testament to how bad Christmas tensions could get. Add alcohol to the mix, and it was often explosive and painful.
But it would be rude and intrusive to ask.
She switched the conversation to something lighter. ‘There’s a team football thing in the park next weekend. Partners and children included, if you’d all like to come along.’
‘No children and no partner,’ he said, and the bleakness in his eyes shocked her.
Maybe he was divorced, and his former partner had moved away so he never got to see the children. In which case it was no wonder that he didn’t like Christmas. The festive season was a time for children, and not being able to see your kids at Christmas must be like rubbing salt into a very raw wound.
‘Sorry. I wasn’t trying to pry. Or to come on to you,’ she added, realising that he might have taken her words the wrong way.
