"We need to give them room. I need you to leave with my buddy so he can take you somewhere safe." I tell Sierra. I know she wants to argue but I cannot deal with that right now. I have to deal with Jeremy while I still have the chance. "Don't argue with me right now. Just do what I say." The same man who I have been conferring with since I woke up from being in the hospital pulls her away. I make my way back to where I left Jeremy but he is no longer in his chair. He couldn't have gone far. There are too many Feds surrounding the area for him to have gotten out undetected. As I scour the house, I don't find him. Letting the men know they need to search the property and the house again, I am not leaving here until he is in a body bag. We spend hours going over every inch of the house and the yard finding nothing. The only evidence he left was a trail of blood dotting his escape that end where Damon and I came in. He had someone waiting. I did not plan this right and now Sierra is still in danger when I promised she would be safe.
I fucked up.
Again.
***
By the time I leave the house after searching high and low for anything else that may help lead me to finding where Jeremy could have gone, I feel defeated. For the third time now, I have put Sierra in danger. Maybe not physically, but not eliminating the threat to her safety is my fault. It is all my fault and I know now that I am no longer going to be able to keep her safe. I need to leave before I do her any more harm and find someone whom can watch over her until Jeremy is caught. I just can't leave though, without at least one more taste of her sweet lips, one more glimpse of her sparkling blue eyes, and one last touch because this will be the last time I will ever have the chance to do so.
She will no longer be able to trust me with her safety and it is the least I can do by letting her go. Maybe she will move on from this and find true happiness. As much as it pains me to leave her behind and not be the one to give her a happily ever after, I always knew, deep down, I was never good enough. I didn't come from a happy home. I had no real future until I was placed in her home under her parents care. As much as I appreciate the way they never gave up on me and always pushed me to be better, to have a future, and to not become my parents, I always knew that I couldn't be good enough for them, for her.
I tried to be. God did I try. Even though I still fought some, I was trying to get out of the life that leads to a future where I lay six feet in the ground. That is why I was helping to take down 'The Boss'. I planned to join the force officially after that, but it never happened. Instead, I find out the one man we were trying to take down was the one calling all the shots where we were concerned. He kidnapped my baby girl and now he's dead. I'm left now, with an even bigger issue we never saw coming and that is Jeremy.
Sierra will find happiness, I am sure of it. I just can't be around when she does because I have always wished it would be with me, even before I realized that's what I wanted. She deserves a man who can protect her, who will give her the two point five kids, a house with the white picket fence, and love that is unshakable to the very core. She needs a man who can cherish her and know he has the hope fucking diamond of women.
Fuck me. I fucking wish I was that man but I have proven that I am nothing but a fucking piece of shit. I can't keep her safe. I have failed her three times now where her safety is concerned. And now, not only have I let her down by not protecting her from the monsters of this world, but also I have let her family down. Damon could be dead and it would be my fault. I let him help me. I let him in on this mission that may have gotten him killed. My best fucking friend!
As I sit in the parking lot at the hospital in my car, I finally break. My mother was right about me. I am nothing. I am worthless. I think somehow I always knew it but I tried so hard to prove her and every other person wrong. She may have been high as fuck when she said it and not realized just how much truth there was in her words, but I did. I always knew. And because of my worthlessness, I have fucked up everyone's lives. If I had just listened to my foster parents who told me to leave them alone, that I would only ruin their lives, maybe this wouldn't have ever happened but it's too fucking late now to turn back time.
Slamming my fist over and over on the dash of my car, on the steering wheel causing the horn to blare alarmingly loud in the quiet of the parking lot, I scream in anger. I am a dark and broken soul and because of this, I have caused nothing but pain. Slamming my fist one last time on the horn, I lean my forehead on the steering wheel and cry. I am not used to this foreign feeling and I am a man for fucks sake but I need it. It is the one and only time I will allow this to ever fucking happen. After this, I will encase my heart in a fucking steal cage and lock it away. Never again will I let anyone close enough to make me feel this agony.
The tears leak from my eyes as my heart races and my body shakes with my silent sobs. I only let this go on for a few minutes before I lock that shit up tight. Wiping the moisture from my face, I take another deep, shaky breath and exit my vehicle. The sun his hot against my back and the sky is clear. This should be a great fucking day and for someone out there, it is. But for me, it feels as if the world is crashing all around me. Its late afternoon and soon the day will turn to night when all the monsters roam about and it seems fitting. I will be leaving this place as a different man.
I never considered myself a bad person but now, well, now I am the fucking devil reincarnate. There is no turning back for me. I have nothing. I am going to loose everything good in my life when I walk out of here. Jeremy should be afraid. He should be very fucking afraid.
I chuckle darkly to myself. I'm going to hell. I don't give a fuck. I will gladly burn for eternity after I finish with him. I will fucking relish in it. Besides, only broken, damaged, and ruined souls go to hell. It was inevitable. I will just be a little more fucked up then originally planned.
The moment I step through the sliding doors of the emergency room, everyone can sense the danger lurking within me. They can see the monster struggling to break free. Before, people only were cautious of me. Now, I put the fear in them. They know the devil lurks within and they all cower in their seats praying I'm not here for them.
Walking to the check in station, I ask for Damon's room. The portly nurse typing steadily never once glances up at me, seeming to not want to be bothered as she tells me she cannot give out that information to anyone but family.
"I'm his brother. He's been shot and I need to know if he is ok." It is only a partial lie. Finally, the nurse looks up. I notice on her shirt that her name is stitched into her scrubs.
Lori.
"I see. Let me check." She must see enough patients who have darkness in them because she doesn't flinch when she stares me down. She doesn't understand what happened but I can see she assumes it was gang related or of something similar due to the blood that stains my shirt. The disgust in her eyes can't hide the fact that she probably assumes I am the reason he was shot. And she would be correct. If I hadn't let him come with me, then none of this would have happened and he would be at home safe with his family.
"Everyone is in the waiting room just down the hall. He is still in surgery. Just head down this hall, make a left at the next nurse's station, and at the end is a waiting room. Just wait there until the doctor comes out with any news."
I nod my head as the nurse goes right back to her previous task without another word. By the time I make it to the waiting room my nerves are shot. I know what to expect but it still hurts to think about what is about to happen.
"Oh my god, Forrest. You're ok. Thank god you're ok." My mother... no, Damon and Sierra's mother runs up and envelopes me in a warm embrace. She must not know I am the reason for her son being in here.
"How is he? Any news?" My voice is deep and quiet with a slight catch at the end. I need to not let my emotions get in the way. This is the moment I need to build up my walls so when the rejection of the only real family I have ever known doesn't hurt so much when I tell them the reason why their son is here.
"No. They brought hi
m in here and we haven't seen a doctor or nurse yet. It's been hours. What could possibly be happening that they can't even send someone with updates to his condition?" My throat tightens with the news and I nod knowing I can't speak. The only reason why they wouldn't send any updates is because they probably have bad news.
Sierra is in the corner wrapped in a hospital blanket just staring off at the wall. She either hasn't noticed I am here or she doesn't want to acknowledge that I am. Either way it hurts but I knew it was coming. She blames me for her brother being shot and I do to. But the sting of rejection isn't any easier with that knowledge.
"What happened son? What happened in there?" Our father asks. No. Not our father, their father; Sierra and Damon's. I am no longer their son. I can't be, and once they hear what I have to say they will agree.
I was expecting their questions but it doesn't make it easier.
"It was all my fault sir. We had it all planned out but I never should have let him come with me. I knew there was a possibility that something could go wrong, even with the feds and police not far behind but I got cocky. I had Jeremy in his office and instead of taking him out and helping Damon, I stayed because I wanted to make him suffer. I wanted to torture him. I should have finished him when I saw him and then helped to rescue Sierra but I didn't and it cost him."
Taking a seat nearest me and plopping down putting my head between my hands I let the anger take over. The anger helps take away the pain and helplessness I feel at the turn in events.
"Oh, Forrest. It was not your fault. He knew the score going in. He would have gone in no matter what." My mother's words are supposed to reassure me but I don't need or want her reassurances because it was my job to keep them safe. It was my job to save Sierra and even though she is here safe and sound, the threat is still out there.
"It's my fault. I am sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. He is my best friend and now he is lying on a fucking hospital table being worked on to save his life." My mom takes the seat next to me bringing me into her arms and shushing me as she cries while I try to reign in my emotions.
"No matter what happens, this is not your fault."
We stay seated in the waiting room, my mom holding my hand for her comfort as much as my own for what feels like hours. Sierra never once moves from her spot. I believe she is in shock right now. She doesn't seem to be seeing anything as she looks straight ahead at the wall with unseeing eyes. Her father is sitting next to her with his hand holding hers while he watches the nurses and doctors walking in and out of the doors that lead to the surgical rooms. I know he is hoping that every time one of them comes back out that they have news for us and each time I can see the disappointment when they don't come to speak with us.
After some unknown amount of time, a doctor in dark blue scrubs comes out with a tired look on his face. He looks to each of us as we all rush to stand together to hear the news.
"When I talked to you earlier, I didn't know the extent of his injuries from the gun shot wound. After a very long process, we had extracted the bullet but he lost a lot of blood. He was a fighter." His words gave us a slight bit of hope but just as quickly, he dashed them to hell.
"With that being said, his fight wasn't enough. I am very sorry for your loss. We did everything possible to save him but with the amount of damage and the amount of blood loss..." I didn't get to hear the rest. I stumbled back to my seat and plopped down dropping my head back into my hands and stared and the scuffed and dirty linoleum of the hospital floors.
Dead.
I didn't hear the piercing cries of Damon's mom as she realized she lost her only son and first born. The sobs coming from her husband are heart wrenching. They've been through so much having Sierra kidnapped, twice, and now losing their only son. It's my fault that they are in such agony. It hurts me to see what I did to them.
But hearing Sierra's cries of apology for being the reason Damon is dead is pure torture. What does she have to be sorry for? I can't stand it. I stride over to her quickly and pull her into my chest squeezing her to me. I want to take the pain away. I need her to know this isn't her fault.
"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. This was not your fault. Fuck. This is my fault. That should have been me. I should be fucking dead right now." Sierra starts to pull away and I know, deep down that she agrees and that's why she doesn't want me touching her, holding her, comforting her.
"Don't you fucking dare blame yourself, Forrest! Don't you fucking dare!" Sierra's furious gaze never wavers as she stares me down. I know she can see the pain and hurt in my eyes that I know I've caused. She has always been able to see deep into my soul. But I fear if she keeps staring at me, even in her anger, she will see the truth deep down. That I am a monster. She will eventually realize Damon losing his life is my fault. I can deal with that but I cannot deal with her knowing the truth about me. That I am now a monster even worse than that of her captor. I am just a different monster. I am worse. Far, far worse than anything he can hope to become. Because now I officially have lost everything.
I nod in agreement, even if it is a lie. There is no need to argue right now when we all just lost someone. Sierra searches my face, for what I'm not sure before wrapping her frame around me. Holding her like this is torture. Wrapping my arms back around her and pushing my face into the side of her neck smelling her essence, I know this may be the last time I get to do this. I can never have her. She was never mine to begin with but I know she needs someone to hold onto. Someone to comfort her in this moment. As much as I know it shouldn't be me, I am a selfish bastard. Because I want this. I want her. And as much as I hate to admit it, I need this just as much.
"I love you. God I fucking love you." I whisper into her hair. I need her to know that. Because one day soon, she may not believe it anymore.
Sierra squeezes me as she continues to sob into my shirt.
Chapter 10
Sierra
I held Damon's hand the entire way to the hospital. I needed his touch to know that this was real. That he was here, but most of all, I needed his touch to know that he was still alive. He lost a lot of blood. Too much blood. The EMT's made quick work on loading him on the stretcher and into the ambulance. They cut his shirt and vest off to get a better look while they tried to stop the rapid flow of blood coming from the tiny whole in his side. The man who pulled me away from him while the EMT's loaded Damon on the stretcher didn't fight me when I said I was going with him.
"Baby girl." I try to shush Damon when he tries to speak. His voice is hoarse, he is wheezing, and he sounds as if he is whispering but I have a feeling he's is trying to scream his words loud enough for me to hear.
"Shh. Don't speak. You need to save your energy." He smiles and closes his eyes peacefully. I think he has passed out and I begin to worry that he may not wake. I am about to panic when the EMT's don't try to wake him but he quickly reassures me when his eyes slit open.
"Forrest needs you. He's fucked up. He needs you to save the broken man he's become." He starts to cough and the EMT's quickly move me over to put the mask on his face to help him breath. They haven't stopped working on him since being in here, checking his vitals, hooking him up to god knows what, but there is only so much they can do without literally cutting him open here and now.
"Damon, don't you leave me now. I need you. I just got you back and I can't lose you now." I cry out.
He smiles under the mask before pulling it away to speak. "I love you baby girl. I love you. Be good to Forrest." Before I can get another word in, the monitors that were beeping to his hearts rhythm stop and turn into a drawn out noise. The driver calls in letting the hospital know they need to be ready, that the patient is coding. I sit back as far as I can out of the way, but continuously call to Damon to wake the fuck up and not to leave me. I need him. He can't fucking leave me now.
"Damon. Damon don't you fucking leave me now. Wake up. Please wake up." I plead and cry, and plead some more while the EMT's work on him with chest compressions and breat
hing air into his lungs. I didn't notice when the ambulance stopped but the doors flew open and a nurse helped pull me quickly out of the way so they can get Damon out. One guy is sitting on his stretcher continuing the chest compressions as the other man is squeezing a bag to push air into his lungs when the other guy stops, and several nurses and doctors follow as they rush him through the emergency doors and out of my sight.
The loud chatter as the doctors and nurses tried to find out what was going on and who knows what else quieted, and I was left standing in shock and fear. I have no idea if Damon will make it out alive. He was in bad shape and he lost a lot of blood. He was so pale from his normally tan complexion. His eyes seem to lose their life before my eyes in the ambulance and I knew it couldn't be a good sign.
The nurse who rushed me out of the way led me to a room where she proceeded to check my vitals, take my blood, and run some tests. I dazedly answered her questions. How old was I, did I have any known injuries that needed to be looked at first, was I feeling any pain anywhere, among other basic questions. I was looked over from head to toe while another nurse wrote down whatever I or the nurse checking me over told her. I know they can see the scars all over my body and when she asked how I received them, I told her to mind her business. She got the message and only asked what she needed to know. Before long, I was left alone while I waited for my test results to come back. I have no idea what they were testing me for and honestly, I didn't care. All I wanted was to know what was happening with Damon and to be in Forrest's arms again.
***
Break Me (Taken Series Book 2) Page 10
