For Now, for Always

by Lynn Turner

  “I have finished with him,” Lacey said, but somehow her voice lacked the necessary conviction.

  “No. No, you have not. Not yet.” Paul, by comparison, sounded very sure, very confident. “When you have, I will be waiting. It will be well worth the wait, I think,” he added almost to himself as his eyes probed hers with an intensity that was almost alarming.

  After he left and all the next day, Lacey dwelt on what he’d said and was troubled by it. She had to finish with Neil, Paul claimed. Okay, maybe he was right. Arid maybe Neil’s reentry into her life wasn’t a totally negative thing, if it would give her the opportunity to put the past behind her once and for all. She’d already made a good deal of progress toward that end, just by coming face to face with him and surviving intact. That alone said a lot about how much she’d matured during their separation and gave her a new estimation of her own worth, her own emotional stability.

  She harbored no illusions about Neil’s strength and determination, but at least now she appreciated that she possessed those qualities, too. If he tried to pressure her, she could withstand all he gave, and then some. If what he had in mind was a waiting game, playing on her nerves, she was up to that, too. No matter what tactics he used, she was capable of fighting him and winning; and that belief gave her a new confidence as well as a new peace of mind. She truly doubted that he was serious about resuming their marriage, but she dreaded a future of long, drawn-out battles of wills, more arguments and bitter recriminations and a repeated dredging up of the past. But if it comes to that, she told herself, so be it. I can handle anything he dishes out!

  By Monday evening, she’d decided to play things by ear. If Neil returned she would first find out how long he planned to stay, and go from there. She would be cool, keeping him at a distance, and hope that once he realized she had no intention of falling into his arms he’d give up and leave her in peace.

  As for telling him about the boys, she’d wait and see. If he was only going to be popping in and out of their lives between business deals, she’d already half decided to hide their existence from him. A father they’d never known was better than one who was likely to disappear overnight, just when they’d grown attached to him. No, they deserved a fulltime father, something she couldn’t imagine his ever being or even wanting to be.

  Tuesday was incredibly hectic. Lacey wished with all her heart that Rick Baker, her one and only fulltime salesman, would get himself kicked out of the summer school he was attending and sent back, before she dropped dead of exhaustion. At five-thirty she turned off her desk lamp, rubbing the back of her neck as she collected her purse, and prepared to lock up. Thank goodness this wasn’t her week to drive in the car poo). The boys would have been picked up by Elaine Dickens for swim-club practice at four, and would probably arrive home about the same time she did.

  She turned off all but the two lights always left on in the outer office as a security measure, and was groping in her purse for her car keys when the door opened and Neil came through it.

  Her weary brain was slow to respond. For a moment she just iooked at him, taking in his tall form, the casual tan cotton shirt open at the throat to expose a wedge of silver curling chest hair, and finally the tailored brown slacks hugging his lean waist and hips. In the next instant the total effect of all the components hit her like a shock wave, and she nearly reeled. So much for all her carefully considered, confident plans to remain aloof from him, she thought.

  Later she would tell herself it was only a combination of surprise, exhaustion and emotional strain that made her react so strongly, but in that moment there was no chance for self-deceit. She knew, with her mind and her body that it was nothing more or less than an involuntary and frighteningly powerful response to his virility. Her sexuality, so long repressed, flared to instant life in recognition and awareness of his, and her body trembled, triggering a chain reaction of memories.

  “Neil?” she murmured huskily, sounding dazed.

  A slow smile warmed his rugged features as he closed the door behind him. “Hi. Missed me?”

  Lacey deliberately ignored that. “I didn’t expect you back until tomorrow at the earliest. You said.. ..”

  He came forward, his eyes glowing as he took in her flushed cheeks and slight breathlessness. Please, God, let him think it’s just surprise, Lacey prayed silently as she stood rooted to the spot, unable to tear her eyes from his lean, smiling face. A tendril of fear began to curl through her stomach as she accurately read the look in his eyes.

  “I finished up early.” His voice was low and even huskier than hers. “I didn’t want to be there, anyway. I wanted to be here, with you.” He shook his head as he gazed down at her, his eyes tracing her features one by one with unhurried enjoyment, lingering longest on her slightly parted lips.

  “All the way back I had this crazy fear that I’d dreamed last week, that you weren’t really here, or if you were, that I’d only imagined how beautiful you are,” he told her in a throaty murmur. Then one of his hands lifted to her cheek, his fingers lightly following its delicate curve to the corner of her mouth. She saw his eyes darken suddenly, flames leaping in their shadowed depths, and her breath caught in a mixture of fear and excitement. Neil heard it and reached for her.

  “Oh, Lacey,” he moaned as his arms closed around her, and his mouth closed urgently over hers.

  For a moment, she stiffened. Neil’s lips instantly softened, his hands becoming gently persuasive as they stroked her slender back, finding the tension between her shoulder blades and soothing it away, his lean fingers warm through the fabric of her blouse,

  “Don’t be afraid, darling,” he whispered against her lips. “Please don’t be afraid of me.” There was an unexpected tremor in his voice, and she felt it spread to his arms as their pressure increased slightly. “Oh. Lacey, it’s been so long,” he sighed against her cheek, his breath hot and moist. “Too long. You don’t know how I’ve missed you, needed you. Please, darling, just let me—”

  His mouth slid over hers again, already open and hungrily seeking a response. When his tongue gentiy probed her trembling lips, a streak of white-hot fire shot through her, a crackling, lightning flash of desire that made her shudder uncontrollably as her lips parted in mute acceptance.

  Neil groaned and his tongue thrust deep, not gently now, but hard and strong, as one hand clasped the back of her head and held it for his invasion. The move was unnecessary. Lacey’s hands were already finding their way around his back, then climbing to clutch at his shoulders as her eager tongue met the demand of his and answered with her own. She felt his shoulders tense, and then his arms were contracting, trying to drag her into his body as he plundered the sweet, soft recesses of her mouth.

  Lacey’s fear had disappeared almost at once, smothered under the instantaneous heat of passion. Even as her mind remembered with painful clarity the punishment he had once inflicted on her, her body ignored that memory and concentrated instead on the mindless joy he could give her—and had given her countless times in the past. His insistent mouth was fast draining her of the ability to reason, and a surging need rose quickly to fill the void, until she was clinging to his shoulders and straining her body against his, striving desperately for a closer contact than their clothes would allow.

  “Neil,” she gasped when he temporarily left her lips to scatter quick, fervent kisses over her cheeks and closed eyes, “Oh, Neil!”

  “Yes.’ He groaned the acknowledgment of a shared hunger into her mouth as he returned to it, his kiss devouring, his appetite seemingly insatiable as his lips ground hers.

  “Lacey, I can’t believe I’ve really found you, that you’re really here.”

  His voice was choked, cracking under the intensity of his emotions as his shaking hands ran frantically over her back, clasping her to him and then relaxing to a trembling gentleness, alternating between fierce demand and tender reassurance as he teetered on the thin edge of control,

  Lacey felt the immensity of his
need and his enormous struggle to hold it in check, and the knowledge fanned the flames of desire already licking at what remained of her own control. Her hands began to move with his, at first hesitantly and then with growing confidence. They caressed his back and lean flanks, skimming over his rib cage and the sharp angle of his shoulder blades. Her fingers rediscovered the width and power of his shoulders, the sheer male strength of him, and itched to do more. Under her increasingly agitated caresses his shirt separated from his pants, and her cool hands encountered warm, smooth flesh, which quivered arid contracted at her touch.

  Neil gasped his pleasure into her neck. “Lacey, Lacey. you’re driving me insane!” he muttered, and the admission spurred her to tease him with her nails, raking them lightly down his sides in a tormenting caress. He was holding her too tightly for her to reach his chest, so she had to content herself with a restless exploration of his back and sides, running her hands aggressively up under his shirt to puil at him, wanting him even closer, craving the exultation that always came with the knowledge that she could affect him as powerfully as he affected her.

  This, at least, hadn’t changed. Despite all that had happened between them, despite the bitter, lonely years of struggle and hardship, the moment he’d touched her her body had responded with the same swift, consuming passion he’d always been able to arouse. Lost to sensation, Lacey didn’t stop to think about the consequences of her deliberately arousing caresses. Years of self-denial had left her starved for the soaring pleasure she knew Neil could give her, and now she moaned softly, a hungry little animal sound that sent a shudder through him when he heard it.

  When his shaking hand fumbled with the buttons of her blouse, Lacey didn’t stop him. Her breasts were already swollen and hard, nipples stiffly erect as first his lean fingers and then his warm lips joyfully discovered the absence of a bra and took immediate advantage of the fact. Her head fell back, her eyes closed as she felt the first tentative flick of his tongue on her breasts. Her hands came out from under his shirt to clutch at his thick hair, holding him to her, and with a sighing moan Neil’s Ups closed softly over her breast,

  A sweet shaft of pure pleasure pierced Lacey’s heart. It felt indescribably right to have him beside her like this, just as his sons had been. She realized that her fingers had relaxed their frantic grip and were now moving softly, lovingly through his hair. She was filled with warmth, soft and melting in his embrace, ready to give whatever he asked and more. This was what she had been made for, to be loved by Neil: Neil’s hands, Neil’s mouth, Neil’s wonderfully hard, strong body.

  When his lips deserted her breast for her neck, she murmured a protest and turned toward him, her hands at the back of his head to guide his mouth to hers. Her melting surrender was more than he could take. His kiss hardened to demand as one hand kneaded her breast with a rough urgency and the other slid down her back to puJl her hard against him. The throbbing pressure ot” his arousal against her stomach shocked Lacey into awareness of just how far they had gone and exactly where they were headed. Suddenly his hands seemed cruel instead of urgent, and his rasping breath sounded loud and harsh in her ears. The hard evidence of his desire wasn’t a promise but a threat, and terror sprang to life inside her.

  “No!” she cried as she wrenched her mouth free and tried to wedge her hands between them to shove him away. “Don’t… please, please stopl”

  Neil’s head shot up, the passion quickly clearing from his eyes when he heard the fear in her quavering voice and felt it in her body. He swore softly but refused to release her, even though Lacey struggled with a strength born of desperation. Instead his arms enfolded her and held her close to his chest, firmly but gently, exerting only as much pressure as was needed to keep her from breaking away from him.

  “Shh, it’s all right. Easy, baby, it’s all right. Relax, I promise I won’t do more than hold you. That’s all, just hold you,”

  Slowly his undemanding embrace and soft, deep voice reassured her, and she felt her heart slow its furious pounding and her breathing return to normal . She let her head rest on his shoulder, still shaken and needing a support of some kind, for the moment accepting that it was Neil who provided it,

  “Okay now?” he asked after a while, and Lacey nodded, afraid to look up at him. When she felt his lips brush against her temple she shivered, though whether in fear or for some other reason, she couldn’t have said,

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Neil murmured, and there was genuine regret in his voice. “I was afraid that might happen, and I swore to myself that I’d go slow, give you some time.”

  Lacey did look up then, in surprise. He smiled down at her a little ruefully and then began to calmly and deftly refasten her blouse.

  “So much for good intentions,” he said dryly. “The second I touched you they flew right out the window. I just couldn’t help myself, Lacey. You go straight to my head—always have, always will.”

  She stared at him in silence. In the two years they’d lived as man and wife, he hadn’t once made such an admission, at least not with words. That it was true she didn’t doubt for an instant; still held close against his body, she couldn’t help but be aware that his desire hadn’t abated. But because of that iron control of his—which had often frustrated and angered her, but for which she was now fervently thankful—he could clamp down on his own emotions and talk to her as calmly as if they’d just happened to meet on the street.

  “Have I grown an extra nose or something?” he asked soberly, and Lacey blinked before shaking her head.

  “It’s just.. .I don’t know you anymore,” she said huskily, her soft hazel eyes large in her face.

  Neil gazed down at her, then a shadow seemed to pass across his eyes.

  “Maybe that’s good,” he said as he lifted a finger to stroke her cheek. “I meant what I said last week, Lacey. I really do want to make a fresh start. I know it won’t be easy, but I want us to try, more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.” He paused a moment. “If thinking of me as somebody else will help-some stranger you’ve just met—then that’s all right. I’d rather face the past together and put it behind us, but if you can’t do that yet, I’ll understand. And this kind of thing won’t happen again until you’re ready. Just to be near you, maybe hold you or kiss you once in a while, that’s all I ask for now.”

  He spoke softly and with undeniable sincerity. He meant every word, Lacey realized in amazement. He was looking at her steadily, his eyes holding a solemn question. She shook her head in uncertainty,

  “I don’t know, Neil,” she toid him honestly. “I just don’t know. You’re asking a lot.”

  “I know I am. But if we make it, just think, Lacey … just think what we stand to gain.”

  The promise in his eyes was fever bright, compelling her to believe, to have faith that this time they could build something that would last a lifetime. Could they? With everything that stood between them, all the hurt and resentment, might they really have a second chance at happiness? And just as important, did she want to try?

  He apparently didn’t expect her to make a decision that very minute. His expression softened as he gazed down into her confused, troubled eyes.

  “You look beat. Why don’t you go on home. We can finish the paperwork for the farm later.”

  The farm! Lacey had completely forgotten. As they left the building together she noticed the new four-wheel-drive pickup parked next to her Audi.

  “It’s mine,” Neil said before she could ask. “I bought it this morning.” Then he grinned. “I figured you’ve gotta have a truck if you wanta be a farmer.”

  Lacey was momentarily taken aback. She looked up at him as he opened her car door. “It sounds like you intend to stay around a while,” she said cautiously. “I thought you were buying this place as a retirement home.”

  “I am,” Nell answered casualty, then completely floored her with his next remark. “I’ve just sold Hart-line, Incorporated, lock, stock and barrel. As of noon th
is coming Saturday, I’ll be officially retired.”

  Lacey felt as if she’d been punched in the stomach. She drew an unsteady breath, her brain struggling frantically to absorb the full import of what he’d said.

  “You mean you’re retiring, now? And the farm…and the truck….” She trailed off, turning her head to look over his shoulder at the gleaming silver-and-black four-by-four. Neil wasn’t the kind of man who indulged himself in expensive toys. He wouldn’t have bought it if he didn’t intend to use it frequently. Her stomach quivered in nervous apprehension.

  “Like I said, what good’s a farm without a farm truck?” Then he sobered as he took in her anxious expression. “Yes,” he murmured, an almost grim note in his voice, “I intend to take up permanent residence here, Lacey. No running back and forth to Denver or anyplace else. I’ll be right here, where I can see you and talk to you and be with you. You might as well make up your mind to it: from now on I intend to be very much a part of your life, whether you like the idea or not. And from the look on your face, it’s pretty clear you aren’t exactly thrilled.”

  Lacey’s temper flared. “I might have known you hadn’t really changed,” she blazed. “All that noise about wanting us to try again was just that, wasn’t it—noisel You’d already made up your mind to move in and take over. To hell with what anybody else wants—Neil Hartmami always gets his own way in the end. You had this all planned before you even left here last week, didn’t you? And to think I almost fell for that touching line about making a fresh start I Nothing’s changed at all, has it? You’re still the same unscrupulous tyrant you always were!”

  “Stop itl” He grabbed her by the arms, shaking her angrily. “I meant every word of what I said in there) Why the hell do you think I decided to buy that rundown, overpriced piece of real estate! Yes, all right, I admit I’d made up by mind to move back here before I left last Wednesday. How else was I going to be near my stubborn shrew of a wife?”

  Lacey opened her mouth to make a furious retort, but before even one word could pass her lips, his were locked on them in a hard, determined kiss. When he released her she glared at him, her chest heaving.