“I’m really glad to hear that. When are you going to have the surgery?”
“Next Tuesday. I’ve got a physio from the team coming in daily helping me do the pre-surgery rehab workouts, so that should reduce my recovery time afterwards. I wanted to ask you, Kylie, if you’d be willing to come with me when I get the surgery done.”
“Really? Me? Of course, but why?”
“Because without you I never would have considered doing this. I thought about what you said a few days ago. I’ve thought about what you’ve been saying, and you’re right. I want to do this. I want to do it for my teammates, I want to do it for you, and I want to do it for me. Hockey is the most important thing in my life, and I’m not going to let a freak accident make me give it up completely.”
To my surprise, I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes. I was actually tearing up listening to Daniel speak. Even as he told me about his plan, I could feel the intensity inside of him growing. I could feel that fire which was there as he spoke about his recovery, the way he wanted to treat it aggressively, so he could be on the ice as soon as possible. I regretted more than ever that we couldn’t be together. I wanted to wrap my arms around him. I wanted to kiss him, to make him mine completely. I wanted to take him, right here in the middle of the courtyard, bouncing on top of him as the wind ran through my hair and he looked up at me from the grass he lay on...
I forced those thoughts from my head. This was actually really good news. I had hoped Daniel would go through with his surgery, and now he was going to. He was going to try and make a comeback in hockey, and he wanted me there with him at the hospital.
“Thanks for asking me to be with you during your surgery.”
“No problem. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think it would be best for both of us.”
I didn’t ask what he meant by that, but my mind immediately thought about the fact that I was going to have to get a day pass to be allowed to leave the clinic. I knew in reality there probably wouldn’t be too many problems. I had already been here longer than most people, and I think Doctor Emma knew that I wanted to stay here more for the rest of my mental issues rather than simply my alcoholism.
Still, the next day when I went to ask for a letter from her to give to the head of the clinic, in order to get my pass to leave on the day of Daniel’s surgery, I was nervous. I stood outside the door of her office for a few seconds before finally pressing my knuckles to the hard wood and knocking.
“Come in!” came Doctor Emma’s voice from inside. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes for an instant, then opened the door.
I had been in this office plenty of times, of course. This was where we had our one-on-one therapy sessions, during which I told Doctor Emma virtually nothing, and she simply tried to encourage me to speak, to allow myself to heal from the wounds that I had caused. The office was plainly furnished, with a desk and chairs against the window, and the traditional brown psychiatrist’s couch on the other side of the room against the wall.
Doctor Emma was sitting at her desk, so I took the seat in front of her.
“Yes, Kylie? What can I do for you?” she asked with a smile, putting down the papers she had been reading and giving me her full attention. I had to give one thing to Doctor Emma: she was very good at her job, she always made one feel as though they could really speak with her.
“I don’t know if you know, but Daniel Ross has decided to have the surgery on his knee so that he can play hockey again.”
“I did not know that, although it is good news. Very good news, in fact.”
“Anyway, he asked me if I would come to the hospital with him on the day. His surgery is booked for next Tuesday, and I’m wondering if you would give me the pass to go and spend the day at the hospital.”
Doctor Emma looked at me carefully for a minute. I couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking about. Was she going to say no? Would she tell me I can’t? Was she going to take this away from me? Or would she go the other way? Would she just say yes, and get me to leave? I hoped so.
“I see this is the first time you have shown any desire to leave this place. You’ve never mentioned anything about what you plan to do with your life when you leave and re-enter the real world.”
“I never had a reason to think about it before. Besides, it’s just going to be for one day.”
“So it will. You have struck up quite the friendship with Daniel Ross, I see.”
“Yes, Daniel and I are friends.”
“Do I need to remind you about the policy about patients here being romantically involved?”
I looked at my feet.
“No, Doctor Emma. You don’t need to remind me. We’re friends, that’s all it is.”
“I’m glad to hear it. I will give you the permission to go, I will write a letter authorizing you to go for the day, and I will send it to Christopher, who will issue you the pass. I believe you can go out in the world, even under such a high pressure situation as a friend’s surgery, without succumbing to alcohol.”
“I know I can. Thank you, Doctor Emma.”
I stood up to leave, glad to have gotten the permission I wanted.
“And Kylie?” Doctor Emma asked as I got up to leave.
“Yes?”
“Don’t forget what I’ve said about dating other members of the clinic.”
“I won’t. Thanks Doctor Emma.”
I left the room with my heart pounding. Had I betrayed my feelings? Could she see on my face that I wanted more than anything to be more than friends with Daniel? Could she tell just how much I wanted him, how my body reacted every time my eyes saw his? I certainly hoped not, but I also knew she was going to keep an eye on me. She had noticed something, that was for sure.
“Did you get your permission?” Daniel asked that night at dinner.
I nodded and told him about the conversation with Doctor Emma.
“They’re watching us, then,” Daniel told me with a grin. “We’re the naughty kids on the playground that the adults always keep an eye on.”
I laughed at his analogy. “I guess so. I wouldn’t know, really. I was always one of the good girls, I never got in trouble.”
“I bet you didn’t,” Daniel teased, a glint in his eye. Oh, I wanted him so much. I wished I could have him. I wished I could have him right then and there, making him mine. I wanted to feel his hands all over my body. I wanted his tongue to taste me, his hands to explore me, his mouth to kiss me all over. I wanted to throw my head back and forget about all my problems while Daniel ravaged me, taking me completely, making me his.
“Either way, I think we should be careful.”
“Why? It’s not like we’re doing anything we shouldn’t.”
“I know. I just don’t want you to get kicked out of here.”
“Oh, don’t worry about me. After my surgery, I probably will only be here for a couple weeks, then I’m going to have to go back to the outside to continue my training.”
When he said those words, my mouth went dry. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I realized that my plan of being here forever meant I wasn’t going to see Daniel anymore after he left. Sure, he could maybe visit me from time to time, but I knew he wouldn’t. He would be on a tight schedule, travelling around the continent to play hockey. There wouldn’t be time to come visit someone in a rehab center. The thought was like a shot to the heart. In a few weeks, Daniel Ross would be out of my life, probably forever.
Maybe it was a good thing, I thought. After all, Daniel had upset the nice little balance I had created in my life. I felt guilty about the happiness I felt being around him, if he was gone, well I could go back to the way things were.
What bothered me the most was that I knew, deep down, that I didn’t want things to go back to the way they were.
* * *
The next few days flew past, until finally Daniel was scheduled for surgery. We met for breakfast just after six in the morning. Daniel had to be at the hospital by seven, and wa
s allowed to eat a light breakfast. We had some cereal in silence.
“Are you nervous?” I finally asked.
“A little bit. I mean, it should be a routine procedure, more or less, and my surgeon is the best in the state, but there’s still a chance that something could go wrong. And if it does, I don’t know if I’ll be able to take never playing hockey again.”
“Well, I wouldn’t worry too much. Tons of athletes have gone through ACL reconstructions. You’ll be fine.”
“Thanks.”
I put my hand on Daniel’s. We were alone in here, after all. I felt a spark of electricity pass in between us. He smiled as he finished off his meal and we went to wait for the taxi that was to take us to the hospital.
When we got there, the receptionist greeted us and motioned for us to sit down in the waiting area, that the doctor would be out shortly to see us. She told me I could leave and come back when the surgery was finished, but I explained to her that I’d rather stay.
Ten minutes later Doctor Ryland called us into his office. He explained to us exactly what was going to happen. I followed completely, and Doctor Ryland happily answered my questions.
“Will you be doing arthroscopic surgery, or open surgery?” I asked.
“Open. If it was just the ACL or the MCL I might have opted for arthroscopic, but this is going to be require open surgery. Daniel will be under general anesthetic, of course.”
“Where is the donor graft coming from?”
“I’m doing a bone patellar tendon bone autograph. It will be the strongest graft, and allow for the fastest recovery, allowing Daniel to get back to playing hockey as fast as possible.”
I couldn’t help but notice the small smile on Daniel’s face whenever I showed an interest in what Doctor Ryland was saying or asked one of my many questions. I had to admit, being in a medical setting again felt good. More than that, it felt right. I forced that thought from my head. There was no way I was going to become a doctor now. That opportunity had passed me. I couldn’t do it. Absolutely not. I couldn’t face it.
I was brought back to earth from my daydreaming when Doctor Ryland finally announced that they were going to get ready to prep Daniel for surgery.
“Good luck. I’ll be here when you get out.”
“Hey, Kylie?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for being here.”
“No problem.”
I couldn’t help but notice that there was no one else here for Daniel. None of his family had shown up. I wondered about them, whether he had told them, whether he had told anyone, but now was obviously not the time to ask about that.
I squeezed his hand tight once more as the nurse brought over a wheelchair and took him down the hallway to where he would be prepped for surgery.
Despite the fact that I knew the risks were minimal, I couldn’t help but feel a small lump of nervousness form in my throat. What if something went wrong? What would happen then?
None of that’s going to happen. He’s going to be fine.
Sitting down at one of the chairs in the waiting area, I vaguely flipped through a magazine. It was going to be a long few hours as I waited for Daniel’s surgery to finish. I tried not to think about it. I tried to make myself think about other things, but no matter what, I could only think about Daniel.
I also thought about how much I was caring for him. This felt like way more than a friend caring for another friend. This was more than that. Was I falling in love with Daniel? I couldn’t possibly. I had decided I wasn’t going to fall in love. I was going to die alone. That was the plan. Alone, depressed and guilt-ridden. Everything I deserved. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love. No, I convinced myself that this wasn’t love. Daniel was a friend, and I cared for him like a friend. There was no more to it than that.
Six hours later Daniel was out of surgery and awake. A nurse came out and invited me to go in and see him. I followed her nervously to the bed where Daniel lay, his leg wrapped in some sort of cast contraption to protect it.
“How are you doing?” I asked as I went towards him gingerly. He grinned.
“I’m not dead, and apparently my knee should work again, more or less, so all good.”
“I’m glad to hear it. I really am.”
Just then Doctor Ryland came into the room.
“Daniel, the surgery went exactly as planned. Now we simply need to wait and see if any circumstances arise that require further healing. We never can know until you will get into physiotherapy, but I’m not anticipating any major problems.”
“Thanks doc. I appreciate you saving my career like that.”
“Not a problem. It’s what I do. I love to rebuild what nature has broken.”
“Excuse me,” I said abruptly, leaving the room. The tears had just barely started before I got into the hallway and let them flow. What the doctor had said in there, about rebuilding bodies, that was exactly what I used to think. That was what I wanted to do. And I realized as he said it that I still wanted to do it. I couldn’t. I absolutely couldn’t even think about it. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. No one would accept me. Not after what I’d done, what had happened. I couldn’t do it. Tears flowed down my face as I forced myself to accept that fact. I couldn’t do it anymore. No matter how much I had enjoyed being in this medical setting, asking questions about the surgery, learning more about the human body, I knew I couldn’t go back to this, and today I realized just how badly I wanted to.
That was the worst part, the fact that now, I could tell that I wanted to do it again. Before, it didn’t matter. I didn’t care about medicine anymore. It would always interest me, but I didn’t want to become a doctor. I didn’t want to, I didn’t deserve to. But now, being here in the hospital, asking Doctor Ryland questions, seeing his professional manner, seeing how he had healed Daniel, I had to accept the fact that I wanted to do it too.
Why did I come today? This is ruining everything. I cried to myself for a few moments, hoping no one would come into the hallway and see me, before I finally got a hold of myself and went back into the room. To my relief, neither Doctor Ryland nor Daniel made any note of my quick absence, and I didn’t explain.
When he left at last, I looked at Daniel.
“I’m glad you’re alright. Are you going to be able to go back to the clinic tonight?”
“Yeah. I mean, they offered to let me stay overnight, but I probably shouldn’t be in a hospital with all these drugs around. I’m hiding it, but I’m actually feeling a good chunk of pain, and it’s getting worse as the anesthetic is wearing off, and I’m not allowed taking anything with an addictive substance in it, which is code for ‘it’s going to fucking hurt because all the good painkillers are addictive’.”
I laughed. “Sorry about that. But so you’re coming back today?”
“Yeah, they’re going to discharge me in an hour or so. I’ll be on crutches and a giant brace to stop me from moving my leg more than necessary, and more or less bedridden for a few days, but I’ll definitely be at the clinic.”
“Cool. I’ll come back with you then, I wasn’t sure if they were keeping you overnight.”
“Thanks. I love that you’re here with me,” Daniel told me.
We went back to the clinic and I realized for the first time that it was night time. We’d spent the whole day there, and I was exhausted.
“I’ll make sure the kitchen send you over some food,” I told Daniel when we got back. After all, neither of us had eaten since breakfast.
“Thanks, I’m starving,” he replied, sending me a grateful glance.
“I’ll see you when I see you, I guess. Rest up,” I told him.
“Sure, thanks again Kylie.”
“No problem.”
I went to the kitchen and organized for food to be taken to Daniel, then had some dinner myself. It was so late now that I sat alone in the large-ish cafeteria, the only sound apart from my chewing being that of my fork hitting my plate.
I was ravenous with h
unger, but I moved on autopilot, the fork making its way to my mouth automatically. I wasn’t thinking about the food I was putting into my body. I was thinking about what I had felt at the hospital.
It bothered me that I missed medicine. It bothered me that I knew what I felt: I wanted to go back to it. I didn’t know what to do. For the first time since I arrived here, I knew I needed advice. I needed help. I needed to talk to someone about it, an outsider.
Glancing at the clock, I realized it was late, but I knew it wasn’t too late. I picked up my plate, put it on the tray to have cleaned, and made my way towards Doctor Emma’s office.
“Come in!” came the same familiar announcement from inside the room. I hesitated for a minute before opening the door. Was this the right thing to do? Was it the right idea?
A minute later I made up my mind. I grabbed the handle and turned it, entering the room.
If Doctor Emma was surprised to see me, she didn’t show it.
“Hello, Kylie. How did Daniel’s surgery go?”
“Good. I don’t know if he’s got any mobility issues yet, but the Doctor said it all went according to plan, so hopefully with some physio he’ll be as close to pre-surgery as it’s possible to be.”
“I’m glad to hear it. Please, sit down. What can I do for you?”
I sat down on the chair and looked at my hands. I wasn’t really sure how to start this. Doctor Emma waited patiently while I gathered my thoughts.
“I think I need... I think I need some advice,” I finally told her.
“Of course. What kind of advice can I give you?”
“Well, I don’t know. See, I don’t know what to do.”
I paused for a while.
“When I came here, I accepted the fact that I wouldn’t be a doctor. But when I was at the hospital today, I think I realized that I still do want to become a doctor, and now I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, Kylie, I think you should follow your heart. If you want to become a doctor, why not go back to medical school? You know the school has simply got you on hold, you could return as early as the next semester. Are you worried about your alcoholism?”
On Thin Ice 2 Page 3
