by Beth Miller
I don’t want to cry in front of these parents.
I don’t know how long I stand there, looking through the window. Other people come and go, but I just stand, feeling the great ache in my womb.
Fucking babies.
Miffy
1979
Fiona’s Party
Laura had somehow managed to get me an invite to her friend Fiona’s end-of-term party. I asked Mum if I could wear my new black shoes. I was sure she’d say no, but she said, ‘Yeah, what the hell.’ She sounded just like Auntie Leila. Then she added, ‘But for heaven’s sake, Melissa, try not to scuff them.’ That was more her usual self. The shoes looked amazing with my jeans. My hair was finally long enough to pull into a ponytail, and I put on some of Mum’s new lipstick.
There were loads of people at Fiona’s. I saw Towse, wearing a tight black T-shirt. He smiled at me and I took off my glasses and put them in my back pocket. The room went all blurry with the coloured lights reflecting off the windows.
Dad and Mrs Morente helped Fiona’s mother, Mrs Bryan, put out the food and drink. Then the grown-ups left us to it. Laura switched off the main lights and turned up the music. She played the Boomtown Rats just for me. Everyone was in a fantastic mood. Laura kept hugging me. We did a bit of our ‘Greased Lightning’ routine, though without my glasses I nearly missed her when I jumped up, but everyone cheered.
As a thank-you for getting me invited, I gave Laura one of Auntie Leila’s cigarettes wrapped neatly in a tissue. She said, ‘I was already feeling fantastic and this has made my day, Miffy-sister.’ We smoked it in the bathroom with the window open, sitting on top of the toilet cistern. The Gauloises was strong and made us feel a bit dizzy. We pretended it was dope and giggled so much we nearly fell out of the window.
When we came downstairs I sat down and blurrily watched everyone. I didn’t notice Towse come over, and nearly had a heart attack when I looked up and saw him smiling at me. He sat down and handed me a plastic cup of wine.
‘You look pretty tonight, Missy.’
I grinned like a loon and took a big gulp of wine, which tasted like vinegar. He told me about what he wanted to do after his O Levels, and the conversation went along really easily, and I didn’t need any of the tips in Patches to get a boy to talk. When I finished my wine he got me another glass. This one tasted better and I drank it quickly while we chatted. Laura danced past us and winked, and a minute later a slow tune came on.
Towse pulled me to my feet and said, ‘Shall we?’
My first slow dance. He put his arms round me and I leaned my head on his shoulder, which I could just about reach thanks to my stiletto heels. He smelled really nice, sort of coconutty. I couldn’t quite believe I was suddenly allowed to touch him. Out of the corner of my eye I could see others slow-dancing, though I couldn’t see faces properly, and the lamps in the room left long streaks across everything, like slow-exposure photos of cars at night. I saw Laura dancing with Danners. At last I was like all the others, looking nice, dancing with a boy. Towse pulled me closer against him. I went into a dreamy state, feeling that I could stay like this for ever. Then he started fiddling with his zip. I guessed he was adjusting himself, like Danners was always doing, but he gently took my hand down and pushed it between us, into the gap between our bodies. Something warm, shaped like a big Vienna sausage, flopped into my hand. I nearly jumped up to the ceiling. He closed my palm round it and moaned in my ear, whispering, ‘Just move your hand up and down it, nice and slow.’
I did as he asked, while we both carried on turning in a slow circle, his hot breath in my ear. Then he whispered, ‘Do you want to come upstairs and play with it?’
Before I knew it we were out in the hall. With the sudden bright light and my lack of glasses, I stumbled on nearly every step. At the top of the stairs Towse pulled me into a dark room which I guessed was Fiona’s. I just had time to see a blur of posters before Towse closed the door and pushed me against it and started kissing me really hard. The glasses in my back pocket made a cracking sound. After just a few seconds his hand went right under my top, pushed up my bra and started squeezing my breast. He was so close he was standing on my foot, scuffing my new shoes. Mum was going to kill me. He pushed his other hand down the top of my jeans, and tried to put his fingers up inside me. I wriggled away as it didn’t feel very nice, and he breathed, ‘Will you suck me?’
I wasn’t sure what this meant but guessed it might stop him putting his hands all over me, so I nodded. He pushed my shoulders so I was kneeling on the floor, and too late I realised he wanted me to suck his penis! His penis, that he pees out of!
I said, ‘Won’t I hurt you?’ and he said, ‘Just keep your teeth out of the way.’
Then he pushed his willy in my mouth. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do but it didn’t seem to matter, he was pushing my head up and down and groaning. It tasted salty, but not in a nice way. I couldn’t stop thinking about him peeing, and the smell was horrible. I could smell his pubic hair and everything.
Suddenly he pushed it in much further than before and I practically choked. I stood up quickly before he could try it again, and said, ‘That was miles too much!’
He put his arm round me. ‘Sorry, Missy. You got me so excited.’ He lifted the heart-shaped pendant from around my neck and said, ‘That’s pretty.’ I started to tell him that Laura had given it to me, but he interrupted to say, ‘Shall we lie on the bed?’
I suppose this was exactly the kind of situation for which Auntie Leila had given me the rape alarm, but of course I hadn’t got it with me. Anyway, I could easily have said no and run out of the room. Although it was dark, I knew where the door was. But I’d fancied Towse for so long. He was so handsome. He had such nice eyes.
So we lay on the bed and I let him take off my jeans. Thank God I had put on my best knickers – not that we could see them in the dark, but it made me feel better. He climbed on top of me. I was amazed at how heavy he was. He had somehow taken off his jeans and pants. He kissed me gently, and it was nice.
Then I heard a weird sound from the room next door. ‘What’s that?’ I said.
Towse lifted up his head to listen. We heard it again: someone moaning. He laughed. ‘It’s only someone else shagging, like us.’ His foot pushed my pants down to my ankles.
‘Listen, Towse.’
‘I told you, it’s just some other people making love.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘I mean, do you even know who I am?’
It was a line from a programme I saw a few weeks ago. It was after nine o’clock on ITV, but Dad was out and Mum was lying down. The woman told the man he made her feel like a piece of meat.
‘Yes, of course I know who you are.’ He kissed my cheek. ‘You’re Missy. You’re Dan’s little sister.’
‘I don’t like to be called Missy.’
He sighed. ‘What do you like to be called, then?’
‘Melissa. Or Mel. Or Lissa.’
‘Okay. Lissa.’ He leaned up on an elbow and said, ‘Can we carry on? My balls are blue with frustration.’
‘You know I’m not even thirteen yet.’
‘Yes. But you’re quite, you know, big for your age.’ He made a rude bosoms gesture. ‘And Laura said you wanted to lose your virginity with me.’
I pushed him off me and sat up, found my glasses and put them on. The frames were a bit bent but the glass was okay. ‘When did she tell you that?’ I turned on the bedside lamp and looked at him.
He blinked at me in the light. ‘Was she lying?’
‘No, I did say it.’ I blushed. ‘But I didn’t mean now. I meant when I was sixteen, or older.’
‘Oh. I’m sorry. She kind of made me think that you meant right now.’
I felt bad. I put my arms round his neck and kissed his cheek. He whispered, ‘Lissa, could you at least give me a hand-job?’
I didn’t know what he meant, but I nodded. I felt I ought to give him something. He lay cuddled next to me, which was nice. Then he put my hand round his pe
nis. How weird for boys to carry these round with them all the time. He put his hand on top of mine and showed me how to move it up and down. His willy got harder and his breathing became more like gasps. My hand was getting quite tired, when he cried out and gloopy stuff went all over my hand and tummy. I was prepared for this because Laura had told me about the mess boys made when they were excited. I quickly wiped it off with the edge of the sheet so that nothing could climb in my vagina and make me pregnant.
We lay side-by-side for a while without talking, then he said, ‘Let’s have a fag.’ He lit a cigarette from a gold pack of Benson & Hedges and we took turns to smoke it, like in a French film. That was the best bit.
‘You know what?’ he said. ‘That was really good.’
Downstairs the music was still playing. I left my glasses on so I could see properly. Danners and Laura were talking in a corner. It looked like they were arguing. I looked for Dad but couldn’t find him. A couple I had never seen before were snogging in the kitchen, and Fiona was lying on the living-room floor, her skirt round her waist, laughing hysterically.
I found the phone in the hall and dialled our home number. Mum answered on the first ring. ‘Darling, what’s the matter? Is everything okay?’
I said in a happy voice, ‘Oh yes, I’m fine, only I can’t find Daddy. I think he’s gone out and I want to come home now. I’m a bit tired.’
‘Where is Fiona’s mother?’
‘I’m not sure.’
‘I’ll be right there, darling. Just stay where you are.’
We hung up, and I sat on the bottom stair. Some people brushed past me, then Towse appeared and said, ‘Are you okay?’ His eyes were bloodshot and I noticed dandruff on the shoulders of his black T-shirt. I nodded, and he went back into the living room. I thought that if I hadn’t stopped him, I would be a non-virgin right now. It would be a great story for Sasha. Actually, even the truth would be a great story. She would love my ‘Do you even know who I am?’ line.
Then Laura was there, squashing next to me on the step. ‘What you doing out here, little Miffy-sister?’
‘I’m waiting for Mum.’
‘Your mum?’ Laura almost shouted. ‘Why’s she coming? That’s stupid. Your dad’s here! Phone her, tell her not to come.’
Laura’s eyes were glittering and her mouth was very red.
‘Why did you tell Towse I wanted to sleep with him?’
‘Fuck, Miffy.’ She handed me the phone. ‘You told me so yourself, on holiday.’
‘But I didn’t mean now.’
She grabbed my arm, hard. ‘I mean it, Miff. Ring your mum. You don’t want to cause trouble, do you?’
I realised what she was trying to tell me and dialled the number, fast as I could. But the phone at home just rang and rang, and I was still listening to it when there was a banging at the door. Laura and I looked at each other, and she froze.
I opened the door and Mum pulled me into a hug. Then I felt her look up, and I turned towards the stairs, to where Dad and Mrs Morente were coming down, holding hands and laughing. Dad saw Mum and stopped dead, dropping Mrs Morente’s hand like it was a grenade. Mrs Morente’s eyes opened wide. Laura stood still, looking from one person to the other.
Dad said, ‘Andrea! Hi! I was just looking at the mould in Mrs Bryan’s bathroom.’
Mum laughed, a funny little yelp. ‘Always helpful, aren’t you, Michael? Olivia. I didn’t realise you were here. But of course you are. I’m taking Melissa home now, Michael. Make sure Danny gets back safely.’
Mum led me out of the door and into the waiting taxi. We sat in the back and she cuddled me all the way home. I cried into her blue coat. I had drunk too much wine. Mum stroked my hair and said, ‘Soon be home, darling, soon be home.’
Iron Tablets
I couldn’t sleep, because my mind was crowded with people: Laura and Mum and Dad and Mrs Morente and Towse. I thought about Towse kissing me gently, lying beside me on the bed. I didn’t want to think about the rest. Especially not that sucking thing. Did Laura do that with Danners? Did my parents? Did everyone?
I must have gone to sleep finally, but something woke me up. My clock radio said 3.35 a.m. I lay still, trying to work out if I’d heard a noise. Then I heard it again. I crept downstairs and pushed open the kitchen door. Mum was sitting at the breakfast bar in the dark, her back to me, crying her eyes out. In her hand was a bottle of pills.
I snatched the pill bottle from her and she jumped a mile. ‘Oh, Melissa! You scared me.’
I shook the bottle. There were still some pills in there.
‘How many have you taken?’
She let out a snort of laughter, mixed up with sobs. ‘Only one, darling, I promise. They’re my iron tablets.’
I looked at the label. It did say ‘Iron tablets’.
‘You can’t overdose on them?’ I asked.
‘I don’t think so. But I really have only taken one. They’re for building up my strength.’
I sat next to her. ‘What’s the matter, Mummy?’
She wiped her eyes. ‘What the hell. Why not tell you. Basically, your father’s trying to decide whether he wants to stay with us. Or go and live somewhere else.’
Despite me sort of knowing this, it was still a huge shock. I felt very cold, like I had been dropped into an ice bath.
She hugged me. ‘Darling, nothing is going to happen straight away. We’re talking about it. I don’t want you or Danny to worry.’
‘Where’s Daddy now?’
‘Upstairs, asleep. And I’m going up now. So should you. It’s very late.’
She kissed me and I went back to my room. I sat up in bed for the rest of the night, looking out of the window. There wasn’t much to see, just the street lamp and an occasional car trailing past. I thought about how empty it would be in the house without Dad. I thought about Mrs Morente. I thought about Laura trying to stop Mum from coming to the party. I thought about the people making love in Mrs Bryan’s bedroom.
It began to get light at about ten past six, so I got dressed, went downstairs, got a bowl of cereal and watched The Open University till everyone else got up.
Pontins
Today Mum and I went through the batmitzvah file. She showed me the caterer’s menu. Poached salmon mayonnaise, fried gefilte fish, herring salad, cheese flan, potato salad, coleslaw and cheesecake or profiteroles (I’m having them). Plus tea, coffee and pastries. It was £8.50 per person and fifty-six people were coming so far.
Then we tidied my room and put away all my clothes. When Mum hung up my school blazer we heard something crinkle in the pocket. It was pages I’d torn out from a travel brochure weeks ago. When she asked what they were, I told her we were going to Pontins on holiday.
She sat on my bed. ‘This is the first I’ve heard of it, Melissa.’
‘Daddy said! For a weekend before my batmitzvah. He said!’
‘Oh, darling. I don’t think it’s going to happen.’
I’d read every single word of the pages, imagined exactly how it would be. I lay next to her on the bed and cried, great ploppy tears that landed on the shiny pictures of people laughing round the pool at Camber Sands.
Mum said, ‘Well, let me look at them anyway.’ She smoothed out the pages and read them properly. ‘The Lowestoft one looks nice.’
‘I think so too, Mum! The chalets are bigger and there’s more entertainment.’
‘Well, darling, there’s such a lot going on right now. But how about a post-batmitzvah trip to celebrate? Maybe we could even manage a whole week?’
I threw my arms round her and pressed my face against hers, kissing her all over. When I pulled away it looked like she’d been crying too.
Dad in the Bathroom
For the first time in ages, Danners walked home with me from the school bus. We didn’t say anything for most of the way. Then he mumbled, ‘Sorry about Towse.’
I felt my face go hot. ‘That’s okay.’ Oh my God, how much did he know?
‘I t
old him and Laura you were too young.’
‘It was all right. Nothing happened.’
‘Good. By the way, is your friend Sasha coming to your batmitzvah?’
‘Don’t even think about it. If Towse is too old for me, you’re too old for her!’
‘You’re just a kid, though, whereas she’s a sexy woman.’
I hit him with my school bag and we chased each other all the way home, laughing. It was good.
Mum was out and Dad was upstairs. Danners and I were starving, so we grabbed some snacks and watched telly. Dad was a really long time and I went to find him. He was in the bathroom. I was frightened he might have killed himself. But when I knocked he called out, ‘Who is it?’ He sounded like he was crying. At least he was alive, but I needed to get him out so I could make the room safe.
‘I’m busting for the loo, Daddy.’
‘Give me five minutes.’
I sat on the floor to wait. Eventually he opened the door, looking sad and tired. ‘Think I’ll do lamb chops,’ he said.
‘Brilliant!’ I rushed into the bathroom and locked the door. I went through the medicine cupboard and wrapped all the razors, nail scissors and pills in a towel, and sneaked it under my bed.
After eating our pink lamb chops, Dad drove me to shul for my last lesson. On the way I chatted non-stop about my batmitzvah, because I felt he would like to start talking and I didn’t want him to. I’d almost run out of conversation when we arrived, and I jumped out of the car before he’d pulled over, and nearly twisted my ankle.
I don’t know if it was because it was my last lesson, but Rabbi Aron was very kind and gentle. He ran his finger along the page as I read, nodding all the way through, saying ‘That’s right’, or ‘Good’, in a pleased voice. His baby-blond hair was really clean, and he smelled like Imperial Leather soap. I couldn’t stop thinking about what his penis was like, whether it was the same as Towse’s, and whether it would taste nicer. I must know my portion inside-out now, because I could think all these distracting thoughts whilst chanting the whole thing word-perfectly. Aron said I had never done it better, and that I’d be fantastic on Saturday.
