by J. H. Croix
Chapter 21
Alex
We had a game that night. It was pure luck I didn’t hand our team a loss. After the opposing team made one goal, Coach called me over.
“You with us tonight?” he asked, his perceptive gaze scanning my face.
“Absolutely.”
He arched a brow. I gave myself a shake. Without a word, he communicated what I knew to be true. My mind was only half here. My heart was tugging it elsewhere. I wanted to see Harper. Now. Yet, I was also a little pissed with her. She’d put up her damn walls and then expected me to magically know when it was okay to try to push past them. Fuck it. Not a damn thing I could do right now unless I wanted to let my team down and leave. I didn’t think that was the best choice given that I didn’t even know how or when it was best to try to talk to Harper. I’d solve absolutely nothing by letting my frustrations overtake my focus. So, I looked back at Coach and nodded. “Right. I’ll do better.”
He clapped me on my shoulder and sent me back out. For entirely different reasons, I did what I used to do years back when I was a lad and escaped into football to forget about my father and the cloud of anger he left hovering over all of us when he was home. I sharpened my focus and everything else fell away.
I stood under the steaming shower after the game, relieved we’d pulled out a win. Liam worked his magic and made the plays happen. The final score had been 3 – 1. I dried off and changed. Closing my locker, I turned to find Ethan lounging on the bench across from me. I tended to stay later than the rest of the guys. I loved the stadium when it was quiet and preferred to leave once the commotion was over.
Ethan was usually long gone, but there he sat, his golden hair damp from his shower and his green gaze assessing me. “Good game.” He paused meaningfully. “After you got your head out of your arse,” he said with a wink. He immediately sobered. “You okay?”
I stepped over the bench running in front of the lockers and sat down facing Ethan. I eyed him for a beat and shrugged. “Aye. Why?”
Ethan leaned his elbows on his knees. “Because I know you, and you look bloody miserable.”
I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. I figured Ethan might give me some clarity on the mess I’d made with Harper. He might like to play it casual with women, but he had four sisters and was tight with all of them. I had two, but we’d had such a tense childhood under my father’s roof, we’d only started to get close in the last few years. I quickly summarized my call with Harper earlier. It had been brief, but she’d hung up on me and hadn’t answered when I tried to call back.
Ethan listened quietly, nodding along the way. “Ah, so you were in a right good mood for the game, eh?”
I rolled my eyes.
He eyed me thoughtfully. “How come you didn’t tell her about it anyway? I mean, bloody hell, the whole reason you ended up in that bind was because of her.”
“Huh? She didn’t have anything to do with it.”
Ethan arched a brow. “You don’t say? So you’d have hauled off and punched the guy if you weren’t half in love with her? Wait, don’t even answer. If it weren’t for you knowing Harper and what happened, he’d have just been some guy. That’s it.”
I straightened and rolled my head from side to side, trying to ease the tension bundled in my neck. “Okay, fair enough.”
Ethan circled his hand. “So?”
“So what?”
“How come you didn’t tell her?”
I glanced to the floor and back up, feeling frustrated with myself for backing into a corner of my own making. “I’m not much of a talker,” I finally said.
Liam rounded the corner of the locker row, catching my comment. “You don’t say?” he asked with a sly grin as he slid onto the bench beside Ethan. “What’s up anyway? You were off tonight.”
Ethan glanced sideways at him. “Lady troubles.”
I bit back a sigh and rolled my eyes. Before I had a chance to answer Liam, his gaze flicked from Ethan to me and he continued, “Ah. Well, it’s about damn time something rattled you.”
I glared at him. “And why’s that?”
He sobered. “Just messing. I mean, it’s true you’re like a rock, while the rest of us have our ups and downs. Hell, you saw me skid sideways and play like rubbish for a bit after my mum died. No judgment here. Is it Harper? Don’t know what you could be worrying about. Olivia thinks she’s in looove with you,” he said, dragging the word love out only the way Liam could.
Ethan looked at me and flashed a quick smile. “I was about to say she wouldn’t be upset if she didn’t care. Take it from my sisters, women don’t like it when you don’t keep them informed.”
Liam nodded sagely and looked between us. “He’s right. You not being much of a talker won’t help you with Harper. What did you not bother telling her?”
I closed my eyes and dropped my head into my hands. Bloody hell. I wasn’t quite so sure how it ended up with me in the locker room getting advice from the two biggest flirts I knew when it came to women. Thing was, Liam still flirted but he was so besotted with Olivia, it was ridiculous. And Ethan, well, he played it casual, but he wasn’t the shallow guy he liked to portray.
I looked back over at them and shrugged. “She got upset when I didn’t bother to fill her in on the plea deal. I don’t… Hell, I didn’t know it mattered so much to her. She runs hot and cold, and we haven’t had a chance to talk.”
Liam twirled his keys in his hand and eyed me. “Maybe not, but that’s the kind of thing she’d want to know. So go talk to her now,” he said, as if it was that simple.
“She hung up on me.”
Liam looked to Ethan and they shrugged simultaneously, their gazes swinging to me again.
“If hanging up on you is all she’s got to do to make you slink off, well…” Ethan arched a brow and let his words trail off.
I stood and snagged my jacket off the bench. “Right then. I’ll figure it out.”
Ethan and Liam stood with me and followed me down the hallway. Once we were outside, Ethan took off quickly with a wave. I stood outside in the cool rain falling. Liam was quiet for a few beats, but I sensed he was lingering. Usually, he was in a hurry to get home to Olivia. After a few moments, he glanced at me. “I told Olivia Harper was it for you. Don’t fall on your face over it just because you might actually have to get chatty. ‘K, mate?”
I tugged the hood from my jacket up and looked over at him. He knew me perhaps better than I knew myself sometimes. I’d been inclined to think it would be enough if I was there for her, in the ways that mattered. I never had been much for talking things through. I’d still argue showing was better than telling, yet in hindsight I could see the collision of Harper’s entirely understandable tendency to be skeptical when it came to trusting any man with my tendency to keep quiet might create a problem. Over something so fucking small—at least to me.
I looked to Liam and nodded. He held my gaze for a few beats and then clapped me on the shoulder. “If I can do it, you can.”
At that, he walked away, heading home to where I knew Olivia would be waiting for him. I turned in the direction of my flat. Walking through the falling rain in the darkness with lights glittering on the pavement, I pondered my next move. I was inclined to agree perhaps I could have headed this off by talking to Harper, but I was still bothered by the walls she’d put up. Water splashed on my legs from a passing truck as I crossed a street. The walk to my flat was far enough that on a wet night, it might’ve been better to take the bus, but I didn’t really care.
By the time I got home, I was chilled. I let myself in, thinking I was pleased Callie had finally decided it was worth the risk to come inside. My landlord, who occupied the other flat across from mine in the building, had shown his hand as a softie under his gruff exterior. Once he’d discovered Callie was coming inside, he’d installed a kitty door for her in the back entrance door to my flat. She was now coming and going as she pleased. I worried she’d get hit by a car, but then I remin
ded myself she’d been living on the streets before. A visit to the vet had led to the vet’s guess Callie was roughly a year old.
I closed the front door behind me and flicked on a light as I shook the water off my coat and hung it by the door. Callie glanced up from her favored perch on the windowsill, but she didn’t move. She still approached me rarely and with caution, yet she seemed to have decided the life inside was preferred. After the first few days, she was reliably here when I came home. Even though I’d had a shower after the game, the damp chill was enough that I took another.
Afterwards, I stared inside my typically bare refrigerator. Swinging the refrigerator door shut, I quickly ordered takeout pizza and plunked down on the couch. My eyes kept traveling to my phone as I pondered whether to call Harper. My indecision annoyed me, so I ignored it. My pizza arrived, and I ate in my quiet flat with the news rumbling in the background. I lay in bed later, restless and irritated with my state of restlessness. I missed Harper and yet I hadn’t been able to bring myself to call her.
Chapter 22
Harper
I stood by my windows pacing while Stanley paced alongside me, his eyes flicking up to me every so often. Stanley was picking up on my restlessness because I’d texted Alex this morning and told him I couldn’t make it for our run. I’d said I didn’t feel well, which was completely true. I’d barely slept and was an emotional mess. I was still frustrated he hadn’t talked to me about his plea deal, but I was equally as frustrated, if not more so, with myself for not handling any of this calmly.
If there was one thing I’d thought I’d achieved in the aftermath of my life shattering in the span of roughly a half an hour four years ago, I thought it had been calm. Daisy teased me that I was the steady friend, the one she turned to for rational, reasoned advice. I felt anything but rational and reasoned lately. I didn’t like realizing that my hard won sense of calm was tied to avoiding anything and anyone that stirred up my emotions. Alex definitely stirred me up inside—in more ways than one. The collision of his presence in my life and my passing encounter with Joe had sent me spinning inside.
I flung myself on the couch, and Stanley climbed up beside me. I glanced over at him and burst out laughing. He was such a tall dog that he looked silly on the couch. His solemn blue gaze met mine, and he whined softly, nudging my shoulder with his nose. I sighed and reached over to pet him. Maybe he was a dog, but he’d been my most steady source of comfort. He offered completely unconditional love and was fiercely protective. I leaned my head into his shoulder. “Stanley, what should I do?” I mumbled into his fur.
Of course, Stanley didn’t have anything to say to this, although he leaned into me and let me sob into his fur. After a few minutes, I lifted my head and looked over at him. “So, should I get over myself and call Alex?”
No surprise, but Stanley had nothing to offer to this either. His solemn gaze met mine, and he nudged my shoulder again. He liked Alex and had come to rely on our morning runs together. I guessed he was let down we weren’t out today and felt a twinge of remorse. I’d have to sort this out in my own head one way or another. I stood up and stretched. I needed to take Stanley for a walk before I left for work. I snagged my jacket and headed outside with Stanley at my side. I sensed he picked up on my rattled emotional state because he walked a tad closer than usual at my side as we made our way down the street. Once I was outside, I suddenly decided I’d run anyway. I had Stanley with me, and I wasn’t going to be afraid to run on my own. I headed to the park with Stanley jogging at my side.
Once we got there, I sensed Stanley kept expecting to see Alex with his ears perked up and his eyes scanning the area in front of us. Much as part of me wanted to see Alex too, I needed to get a handle on myself first. I wasn’t sure if I’d fling myself at him or get angry if I saw him. It didn’t help that I missed him like crazy and was also annoyed as hell with myself for being so capricious.
Running helped clear my mind as it always had. No matter what happened with Alex, he’d given this back to me simply by virtue of running with me. I’d been able to take walks once I’d gotten Stanley, but the act of running outside was like tripping a breaker inside. A therapist had told me it functioned as a trigger—which was both protective and limiting at once.
My breath came in steady gusts, and I was starting to feel that sense of energy coursing through me when I rounded a corner on the path and looked ahead to see Joe running toward me. My heart stopped and then lunged—a fear-fueled pounding that mingled with my gut churning.
My eyes darted around, and I almost dashed up a nearby path. Stanley moved slightly closer, his fur brushing lightly against my leggings. I started to slow, the sense of fear and dread tightening inside. This was the first time I’d laid eyes on Joe when Alex didn’t happen to be nearby. By chance only, Alex’s presence had kept me from tumbling headlong into the panic that had once haunted me. Right now, the panic rose inside, fierce and strong. Joe was still some distance away and didn’t appear to have noticed me yet. His eyes were on the ground as he ran.
I glanced around and saw a smattering of other people in the park, some walking, some running and a few sitting on benches overlooking the water. A gust of wind came from Puget Sound, carrying a salty, briny scent with it and spinning my ponytail in a swirl. I kept running, one foot in front of the other, my pace faster than usual. I couldn’t say I consciously thought about it, but my feet decided they weren’t veering away. I was in full view of enough people that Joe couldn’t hurt me. I could and would run past him.
The only noises I heard were the sound of my feet striking the ground, my breath coming in and out, and Stanley’s soft padding run beside me. As Joe got closer, I forced my eyes away from looking at him directly, although I tracked his movement in the periphery of my vision. The closer he got, the faster my heart pounded, but I kept running, I kept breathing, and I kept moving. I sensed when Joe realized it was me because his pace slowed. When I passed him by, he came to a stop.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he asked, anger evident in his tone.
I stopped and beat back the panic tightening my throat. I looked over at him and saw nothing other than the cowardly man he was. “I’m running,” I replied.
Stanley’s soft growl emanated, but he stayed by my side. Joe stared at me and shook his head. “I’d better not have to listen to some bullshit about being near you again.” He pointed a finger at me. “You’d best steer clear of me. Got it?”
I stared back at him, anger cracking its whip inside of me. “I’m living my life, Joe. It so happens that means I like to run in the park. I’m not the one who has to worry about what anyone might think about what I’m doing. You are. If anyone needs to steer clear, it’s you.”
He stared back at me, his face reddening. He clenched his jaw, the muscles visibly tightening. I sensed he expected me to back down, to look away, to do anything other than stand my ground. Although my heart was pounding its adrenaline, fear-fueled beat, and I felt sick, I stood there waiting. Because I wasn’t going to keep hiding. Not forever. This was my life and I intended to live it without making accommodations to avoid a man who’d nearly broken me.
At that moment, a woman who I saw often when I ran in the mornings with Alex jogged past us. Her eyes flicked between Joe and me, and she stopped. “Are you okay?” she asked me.
I didn’t know if ‘okay’ was the way to describe how I felt, but it would do. I nodded. “Yeah, thanks.”
She glanced to Joe. “Geez, dude, if you’re trying to look like an asshole, you’ve achieved it.”
Joe turned his angry gaze to her. “Fuck you both.”
At that, he turned away and started running. He cut up a trail into the trees, his form disappearing within seconds. I looked back at the woman who’d stopped. She was, well, she was just ordinary looking. She was of average build and average height with short light brown hair and brown eyes. She met my gaze and shrugged. “Was it just me, or was he giving off major dick vibes? Didn’
t mean to be weird by stopping and saying something.”
My heartbeat was slowing and that cold, panicky feeling was slowly easing. I looked back at her. “Stop anytime. You were right. He’s a full-blown asshole.”
She threw her head back with a laugh. “Nice to know my instincts were on target.”
Stanley nudged her hand because he was ever the opportunist if he decided someone was worth it. She glanced down and stroked his head. “I’m Megan by the way. I’ve seen you here a few times.”
“Nice to meet you. I’m Harper, and that’s Stanley.”
She grinned. “Aren’t you usually here with your boyfriend?”
Her question was perfectly innocent, but my heart gave a hard thump. Was it that obvious? What lay between Alex and me, that is. I didn’t really want to go deep right here and now, so I simply nodded. After a few more pets for Stanley, she glanced at her watch. “I should get going.”
She was about to take off when I suddenly spoke, startling myself probably as much as her. “Just a heads up since you’re here a lot. That guy you just saw?”
At her nod, I continued. “He’s not just a jerk. I won’t get into the details, but if you ever see him, steer clear. He’s not safe to be around if you’re alone.”
Megan’s eyes widened. I wondered if I shouldn’t have said anything, but then her gaze cleared and she nodded. “Got it. Thanks for the warning. Now that I pissed him off, it’s probably best I know.” If she had questions about what I meant, she didn’t ask them. She gave a wave and started jogging again.
I watched her form grow smaller as she made her way down the path following along the water. I closed my eyes and gulped in the salty morning air gusting off the water. After another breath, I looked out over Puget Sound. Gulls called and swooped in the air, boats dotted the water as the day began, and the sun’s early morning rays peeked through the clouds. I wanted to see Alex.
