by Tina Smith
“No.” Her tone deepened and she shook her head briskly; I thought she may tremor and phase, but she settled, stilled her body, so perhaps it was my imagination. “He’s never coming back, Lila.” Her voice was monotone like a recording.
“Because he’s dead?” I pouted, simmering. This was nearly worse than therapy had been at school with her deadpan replies and my feigned compliance.
I lay back on my pillow. None of his scent was allowed to linger. The night I had returned from being told he was dead, my sheets had been washed and dried, and a blanket was missing and had remained so. She was scared I’d use it to track him or at the very least that it would give me more incentive to do a runner, incensed by the pheromones. The same was true at the Cabin, I knew it. He had been extracted from the soft furnishings, his clothes burned or hidden…. if I had been allowed a moment of peace from her - some alone time in which I wasn’t watched, I would have found the barrels in the woods, the bins that kept the spare clothes - if they were still there, covered in leaves dug into the ground. No doubt Jackson and Reid still needed them. Something told me any clothes scented with him would have been removed and not even Reid would wear them. Why go to so much trouble to hide someone who was already dead? I thought as a defiant determination rose in me.
I sat back up, I wasn’t done, we shared a glare and I shut my mouth. Something had been wrong all along, why did we never leave? I knew something wasn’t right. I wasn’t going to let up, even if it caused tension. His disappearance was too premeditated, my guard too tight, they were keeping me here for more than my own good. We remained silent until the morning, though I lay awake. Cres did not rise and take me out for training and I didn’t ask her to. Between us had begun a slow deterioration.
Everything else to me was trivial in comparison and the little dramas at school didn’t hold any interest for me. Again I was a stranger to the world, even to her, keeping up pretences for my mother and the school and even for Cresida. Inside I was lying to them all. Laying the foundation for a time when I would leave her. This conversation confirmed it. Our bond was becoming more tenuous.
7. Animosity
Summer drifted by and the Autumn Artemis Festival came. Under falling poplar leaves I was forced to watch Tealy ride a float through town, swathed in a barely-there costume meant to resemble Artemis the Demi Goddess, complete with twisted willow in her hair while the gathered crowd waved and cheered in celebration of the fabled huntress.
With the cooler weather a carpet of green stretched across the valley. During the week I watched Cres and the rest at lunch eating and laughing as I sat at the same table, my mind a million light years away, as if staring at them in another dimension. I hated the winter months. All the bare deciduous trees losing their leaves as his trail went as cold as the air. It was always so damp, the grass was such a vibrant lime it stung my eyes to look at the landscape. The days were short and absent of him. I had been watching them, absorbed in my quiet defiance. What right did they have to do this to me? The only person who was allowed to have a hold over me, the only thing that would satisfy me, was Sky. Every time Jackson, his pack brother brushed past me, I felt closer to him and only him. Reid didn’t speak to me, but like Cres he guarded me, with Jackson under his wing. Jackson was the third guard - the least trusted. He was the most likely to waiver in this relentless watch. I recognized this would be the break in the chain, the glitch, if there was one, in the system. Surely, they turned in a guard rotation. I took note, watched the body language. I noted when Cres was with me, smelt when Reid was there and when Jackson could have been there instead. Reid always kept a subtle wolfish eye on me. Jackson was young, more vulnerable than the other two, the beta. I slyly noted their schedules, I was going to get out of their control, and very slowly I planned to escape.
Out of frustration I began to think of a way. What were my advantages, if any?
Cresida had one break in her defence, one Achilles heel - she was wolf. I could smell her as strongly as any pure blood. It made me love her more. It was the immortal scent no mere human could notice. Even the birds were scared of her.
I knew her little brother was her other weakness, her other vice. He was all that was left of her family. I was willing to do whatever it took - except that. Her family was safe at least from direct threat by me. I wouldn’t use them for my gain or manipulation, unless I had absolutely no other choice. I could not strike her there. I would not forget what she had done for me. The way she listened and never left my side, even if it was only so I would replace her. It would have been kinder to put her out of her misery than touch what little was left of her life.
All through the remains of autumn and the chilly beginnings of winter and over the next several weeks I did my schoolwork, determined to graduate, so that I could leave to hunt. My mother was pleased and Cresida was content. She taught me many skills as the grey bony fingers of trees stretched for the silver sky, on dark winter nights. She even let me drive the jeep over the farmland around Sam’s cabin, though we never went in. I was a good shot with a natural aim. I only improved. I was hard and un-afraid. Perhaps Cres saw it and knew she couldn’t keep me tied here much longer. I felt the invisible slackening in her, where the hard rigid guard over me had existed. She was resigned to my fate.
I had an epiphany following a discussion on birth dates in social studies class. Tealy let it slip that Cresida's birthday was in September, a comment which pulled me from my despondent thoughts. Indeed, Cresida did embody the Virgo. An idea came to me, as I stared out the muddy window in class. She had celebrated my birthday with my mother and me, conspiring with her, even though she knew I hadn’t wanted the cake or the pomp. Now I could get my revenge. And then it occurred to me I might be able to use this to my advantage as leverage to get us out of town. But this was going to require more than peer pressure, as Cresida was immune to such manipulations. Against my instincts, my desperation goaded me to involve my mother and Cresida’s Aunt Tabetha and her little brother Bronson in my plan. A surprise birthday party, for the girl who would see the future - but as long as no one else knew that, my plan could work. It would make a scene and hurt all of their feelings to terminate the party. Not even Cres could be that heartless, and I was counting on it. I was using her newfound place in polite society against her.
In the meantime, also, it gave me something to do that could bring me closer to him. I thought again of Reid. I needed to see him alone. My anger had evolved from disbelief and desperation. I needed to question him again, to find something, anything, a hole in the story. I knew this was why neither of them talked to me about it. Jackson avoided me altogether and Giny knew nothing, as usual. Giny still wasn’t a wolf; she had felt rejected by her friend’s sudden departure and my unexpected strong friendship with Cresida, who had always been the enemy in her eyes.
I wanted to find Reid and to confront Jackson. I was sure that, alone, he was weak. I was monitored in a rotation. I had to think of something better to say, to get what I wanted. I had to play the role of the girl recovering from grief, but at the same time I rethought the situation. I pretended I wasn’t going anywhere.
Although I was caged, like an animal in the open zoo, my fences were wolf-like creatures and a hunter with a gun. Just how much force they would be prepared to use, I wasn’t willing to find out. If I did attempt escape I would have to make a good go of it to get very far, not give away any signs, which is hard when my guard was my best friend, a psychic who had also taught me all I knew. And they did their best to keep me busy.
A party would be a big distraction to them. Big enough, I hoped, to buy me some time. I had to try.
8. Water Under The Bridge
“Cres, what were you trying show me, the day I confronted you in the library?”
My first days in Shade were long ago but she recalled the moment instantly.
We had returned from yet another training session. Cres planted herself on the floor moaning about her sore limbs. I told her it wasn
’t possible to be sore when she was a werewolf. But I knew it was because she was on double duty keeping an eye on me, managing school, her aunt and training. She had been burning the candle at both ends for many months.
“I was going to transform, but I had a dilemma,” she said, recalling the time. I realized she must have thought about it often. She was haunted by her mistakes.
“What dilemma?”
“I didn’t want to rip my clothes. Tabetha wouldn’t have been impressed and I could have been seen running naked from school.” We both laughed. “I was going to phase outside, where no one would see and I could run off into the bushes,” she added.
“I can see it now,” I laughed. Imagining her running around nude at school was humorous; I suppressed a wide smile but it forced its way out.
Sophie knocked, then, from the hallway.
“Come in,” I called. I noted her dull blue eyes looked disappointed as they came to rest upon my chest and I knew she had hoped I would stop wearing the tag, the thing that reminded her of what haunted me, her only daughter. Just because Sophie had forgotten about him did not mean that I had.
“Are you girls having another sleepover?”
“Yes, is that okay, Sophie?” Cres asked leaning up on her elbow to face my mother, a model of politeness.
“Of course, girls, it’s good to see you both happy.”
Having two friends die on you in succession made my mother even more lenient, if that was possible. Sophie was looking forward to the secret party, anything that made it look like we had forgotten the damage death had caused. But Sophie could never know how deep that pain ran, how her little, much-changed daughter was the cursed. That I belonged to the underworld. Like my father and brother before me she would lose me, too. I was partly gone already and somewhere inside her she knew it. That was why she toiled over her hobbies, the vegetable garden, the beading and now the pottery. Soph seemed to me to be readying for my departure, but maybe it was just that I was eighteen and when I left home she would truly be alone.
When Cres wasn’t around, I sent emails and then called Reid's parents as well. Everyone was in on it and, inadvertently, so would Cres be soon enough. But by then she would be powerless to stop it. This was a snowball going downhill, gaining momentum fast - too fast for her to catch it, hopefully. This party was big enough to demand her attention, I hoped, more than other scheming of mine to find Sky. I told everyone a donation could be made at the party to support teen suicide and, not surprisingly, the people rallied together, given the sorrow of the town’s recent young losses – including Lily’s death from a rifle bullet to the head in the school hall, which everyone would rather have forgotten. But for a few dollars they could forgive themselves for not thinking about it. Giny agreed it was a good idea.
The venue for the celebration was Tarah Scout Hall and I booked online. Three streets from the graveyard and right on the edge of bush land belonging to the National Park, I noted on the online street directory. I clicked out and cleared my search history and then deleted my path. (I did this when I wanted to hide from Cres what I had searched.) She was not beyond this suspicion and I covered my tracks almost out of habit when necessary to keep certain things from my gaoler. Much the way a cheating husband would from his wife.
They wouldn’t be able to trace my scent across the ocean. I was going AWOL. I was sure I’d got all I could from Cresida; all that she would give me. I wouldn’t go straight to him; they would expect that. I felt a need to go abroad, to escape the valley. I was eighteen now, so the police wouldn’t bother much with my disappearance. I wanted to get bitten, maybe, or lost hunting. I couldn’t really make plans until I escaped. She might see this in her visions or at least my thinking of it could make it easier for her to see, if I knew for sure where I was headed. So would she.
Reid was the first to make it known to me he knew something was up. He was the first to tell me about the eyes, something consciously at least, I hadn’t noticed. I had been careful not to tell him directly about my plans for the party, in the hope he would confront me without Cres present. Someone had let it slip - maybe a few people - and I knew it was human nature. I didn’t care, in fact this was to be expected, and it would be an even more useful distraction than the surprise of the party itself. I had counted on it; I would have been disappointed if it had been kept quiet.
Phase one was complete. Reid pulled himself into my window in an open hoodie, shirtless and barefoot. I looked at him as I hadn’t in months. He looked more rugged than I had remembered. All appearances had slipped since Sam had gone. We were all more jagged now Cresida was queen. He had let his hair grow out more and it hung about his neck, damp. Judging by his dress I would have bet he had rummaged in the hidden stash nearest my house. I noticed the unzipped hoodie was at least two sizes too small, he didn’t seem to wear a shirt under it and the shorts were way too short; perhaps they were women’s clothes. His feet were bare.
He was scowling, with his now mud green eyes. “What are you playing at?”
I eyed the black earth on his feet that would now be spread on my carpet; I would have to get it before Sophie saw it. I wasn’t sure how I should react. I let him think he could handle me. “I thought it would be nice to get out.”
“Sure you did.” His expression remained unchanged.
“Who let it slip?”
“Ha, wouldn’t you like to know.”
“Does Cres know?” I tried to sound innocent. Then maybe he would buy it.
“We all do. Everyone from here to Tarah knows!” he bellowed, and then he waited for an answer.
I readied myself for him to phase. His stance was stable, wide and ready to shift. I looked at his arms; they trembled, and I thought of my stash but didn’t look in its direction. If he went for me it was no holds barred.
“What are you playing at, L?” He scowled.
“Nothing, I’m bored … I can’t hunt, I can’t leave, and I just wanted something to do! For Cres! And you’ve ruined it.” I decided to turn the accusation around to make him feel bad. He shifted uncomfortably so I continued; tears welled in my eyes. “For God’s sake, can’t I do something as normal as arrange a party for my best friend, I’m sick of living in this world. I’m a victim, I didn’t choose it! What harm could it do?” I begged wide-eyed and teary. I had a latent talent. Cres was wrong, hunters did cry when it served their purpose.
“You should have pulled the trigger sooner, little girl, I’m watching you. You so much as put a foot out of order and I’ll be all over you like a bad rash,” he threatened.
He seemed sceptical of my case, so I broke out the big guns so to speak.
“He left me here! Every night I want to die to be with him…”
He looked sad then, guilty, he glanced down. I watched his expression closely, his jaw clenched.
“I’m sorry.” I thought I heard his voice break. “But we are right to be suspicious of you being who you are now.” His eyes narrowed and then relaxed.
“I don’t get what you’re all so worried about, it makes me feel wired - I know you’re all watching - all the time. Where would I go, Reid? What have I got?” I sniffed, challenging him. I felt him take a deep breath then. He came toward me; I filled the rest of the space and let him take me in his arms, as I rested my nose on his collarbone. His skin goose bumped under the tip of my nose and my cold breath. He was cautious but he had still let enough of his guard down for me to now hurt him if I wanted. It occurred to me that I could hurt him worse by toying with him again. If I could distract him with my body and his desire for me, I might be able to pull the entire thing off. I used everything at my disposal, that’s what I was taught.
Subtly I turned my nose ridge, to roll my face along the concave part of his chest under his shoulder touching the soft curve of my cheek to his warm flesh. We hadn’t touched in so long. I let the tears for Sky flow, as they had done many a night before they dried up completely. They dripped now onto his burning red brown skin; I gently
touched my lips to his chest. I thought I could almost hear his heart respond. For a moment I imagined pulling my gun from my hip and loading it with lead, stopping it mid thud. I was strong enough. His right arm gently stroked my back. I knew I was something frosty to him.
“Come away with me, Reid,” I uttered.
“Where?” he mumbled rocking me softly.
“Away from all this.”
He swallowed but didn’t speak, it was a hopeless request. This wasn’t escapable, and the things that possessed us came from within. These feelings that glued him to me now in the quiet, I was creating from desperation. Could I rekindle his feelings for me? For a moment it felt as though we were still together. I had the blood and heart of a woman, he felt it beat, warm pooling in my veins, but I felt it run cold. I inhaled his scent across his skin. Abruptly he let go.
“It’s not the same.” He shook his head. “I’m not him, Lila, he’s not here, and this is a mistake.”
“I know, but I thought -”
He cut me off. “Cres’s shift.” He gestured with his chin. “You’re not the same girl, Lila.” He shook his head, shifting toward the window.
“You’re wrong.”
He turned and looked at me, waiting for what I would say next.
“You just never knew me,” I whispered.
“You’re right; I didn’t care enough to want to know you.” He was aiming for a nerve, rejection in all its forms stings. “We can all see it in your eyes.”
