by Tessa Layne
He’d never been so angry. Or felt so betrayed.
“Accidents happen Parker. It was an accident, that’s all it was. First and last time.”
“How fast were you going? Fifty? Sixty?”
Her face flushed and she pressed her mouth closed.
“More?” Worry and anger colored his vision. He’d been such an idiot. How had he not seen that she was so close to self-destructing? He scraped a hand over his face, livid. “A hundred? Hundred-twenty? Jesus, Cassie, do you know how dangerous that is? You could have killed yourself. Or someone else.”
“Don’t you dare tell me what’s too dangerous, Parker Hansen.” She tossed down the wrench as she hopped to her feet and ripped off her shirt, stripping down to her sports bra and pointing at her scar. “This. This is dangerous. Taking enemy fire while you’re trying to rescue the wounded is dangerous. Trying to land a broken helicopter with one arm and your co-pilot’s brains in your lap is dangerous.”
Her eyes were bright with anger. “Being clipped into an overloaded aircraft you’re not sure will be able to take off and trying to shoot at the enemy with a hand that’s so bloody you can barely squeeze the trigger? That’s fucking dangerous.”
Her chest heaved from the exertion. “Don’t you ever tell me what I can and can’t do because you’re worried it’s too goddamned dangerous, Parker. Especially when you’re out there risking your life too.”
Bitterness burned the back of his throat. This was not the homecoming or the conversation he’d imagined.
Cassie kicked the wrench across the porch. “I never asked you to worry about me. Just let it go.”
“Let it go?” he roared. “Jesus, Cass. You’re my girlfriend.” He raked a hand through his hair, pacing in front of her bikes. “We… I… confessed things.” He stared at her hard. “You know things about me no one does.”
Something must have started to sink in because her eyes grew wide and she looked the tiniest bit guilty. Good. She should feel guilty. “Is this why Travis was so determined to get you on the horses? Because he thought it would help?” Another piece dropped into place. “Wait. Don’t answer. He knew about your wreck, didn’t he?”
He crossed the distance between them, nearly knocking over the Ducati. He would not let her avoid him. This was too important. Too big. “How many near misses is it going to take for you to stop living this way? Have you ever once thought about what it’s like for the rest of us when you’re out there being reckless? Hell, Cass. I already worry every time you’re off for a drill weekend. I don’t want to worry about you every time I turn my back.”
“I never asked you to worry about me.” Her jaw set stubbornly.
“And why wouldn’t I?” He placed his hands on her shoulders. “I love you, you nut. What is it going to take to get that through your stupidly thick skull? I. Love. You. So I’m damned well going to worry about you and be in your business. Especially if it means you won’t end up in pieces in a ditch somewhere.”
“Stop it. Just stop it,” she shouted, pushing on his chest, eyes brimming with tears. “How could you possibly want me? Do you even get it? You save people. Every day. I. Kill. Them.” Her voice shook with emotion, low and terrible.
They stood glaring at each other, the gulf between them widening with each moment. A tear escaped down her cheek, and he tracked it down her jaw to the place where it fell to the ground.
“You do understand I’ve killed people? Only I usually refer to them as targets because most of the time I don’t even see them.” Her face screwed up into a bitter sneer. “You know, I wouldn’t want to humanize the enemy or anything.” She laughed harshly. “And I have a box of medals inside thanking me for my trouble.” She waved at the door behind her, then batted at her eye. “Go home, Parker. Find yourself a nice girl. Someone sweet and safe who doesn’t kill people.” She hiccupped. “You deserve some nice girl whose body isn’t riddled with scars inside and out, who will cook for you and keep house and give you babies. Someone you can keep safe. That’s not me.”
He wanted to be sick. What in the hell was he supposed to say? He’d figured she’d probably had to kill people. She was in the military for chrissakes. Rightly or wrongly, he assumed anyone who’d been overseas to Afghanistan or Iraq and had seen combat, had probably killed people. But hearing her say it was a shock.
She stood before him, trembling with emotion and glaring at him with stormy eyes. He wanted desperately to gather her up and kiss her pain away. He reached out, fingers sweeping across her wet cheek. “Sweetheart, I love you. And you’re right, I save people. And sometimes, in the name of protecting yourself or others, you’ve killed people. It doesn’t make you any less in my eyes. It makes you a survivor and one hell of a woman.” His heart hurt, and sweat sprung up on the palms of his hands. “What do I have to do to make you believe you’re it for me?”
He willed her to say something. Anything. And for a second, she looked like she might. She opened her mouth like she was going to answer him, then clamped it shut and looked away. He took a ragged breath, disappointment and heartache crashing over him. “You can keep running if you want, but you’ll never be able to run away from what’s inside you. Nothing you can do will bring back the dead. I know, because I’ve tried. You can keep running Cass, or you can start living, and when you do, I’ll be waiting for you. I’ll be home for a couple of days. Call if you’d like to talk.” Without giving her a chance to respond he made for his bike and rode away.
CHAPTER 26
For two days Cassie stewed, chewing on her blow-up with Parker like a piece of old beef jerky. Cassie’s mind whirled. She hadn’t been prepared for Parker to arrive home early. Another part of her had withered, seeing the crestfallen look on his face as he’d left.
What do I have to do to make you believe you’re it for me?
You can keep running if you want, but you’ll never be able to run away from what’s inside you.
Was she running away from him? From her feelings?
For days when he was mopping up the fire in South Dakota, she’d mulled over his phone call, turning it first one way and then another. Sometimes people did funny things when they had brushes with death. She’d seen people in her unit have near misses and then elope on leave. It was like they suddenly wanted to assure themselves their life had meaning. They wanted a permanent connection, a guarantee they wouldn’t be forgotten if they died.
Murph died single and alone. Had anyone forgotten him? Not his parents. Not his unit. Not her.
She’d done the opposite with her near miss. There was no joy in being a hero. Her medals were cold hard reminders that she couldn’t bring anyone back. She loved her job and kicked ass at it. But that hadn’t kept her crew safe. And what if she’d been the one who died? If the bullet had hit her neck and not her arm? Or if she died on her next mission? Of course, her family would be devastated, but there was no sense in ruining anyone else’s life with grief.
In spite of that, Parker’s declaration had lodged something loose inside her that rattled around her chest like a piece of shrapnel. And it scared the shit out of her. What did he see in her? Why would he want to hitch his wagon to someone like her? Hell, even she didn’t want to hitch her wagon to someone like her.
She jumped off the porch, no longer content to sit and stew. She had to move. Calm her thoughts. But for the first time, instead of reaching for the bike, she headed for the barn.
In minutes, she had Winny saddled and out trotting the fence line. Her mouth was so different than Big Boy’s. Gentle where his was demanding. Easy where his kept her on her toes. She nudged Winny into a lope. Such a sweet horse. So giving. Winny would run until she dropped if you urged her on. She had the biggest heart, and Cassie loved her for it. Her easy acceptance, the way the horse was always so happy to see her. And most importantly, Winny saw her, the real her without judgment. Only love.
On the other hand, Cassie got the feeling Big Boy would run and wouldn’t stop until he was good and read
y. She knew what that felt like too. He wasn’t ready for a big gallop yet, but soon. And when he was…
Maybe Travis was right. Maybe there was something to this horse-human connection. Training Big Boy under Hope’s watchful eye had given her a sense of purpose she hadn’t felt since she’d come home and stepped into a more traditional Guard role. Sure, she enjoyed the challenge of working as a firefighter, and she loved training with her Guard unit, but firefighting in Prairie was more EMT work than anything else.
If she was completely honest with herself, she liked firefighting because of the stress and the adrenaline. She felt needed. Important. It was the next best thing to working full-time in the military. She also liked the way firefighters functioned like a military unit, and she liked the boys’ culture. She’d been the minority in her workplace for so long, that she had a hard time hanging out with a group of women. She didn’t know how to relate to most women anymore. And since the Prairie fire squad had accepted her with relatively little pushback, it was easier to hang out with them than trying to fit in with people she no longer shared common ground.
But working with Big Boy? She left those sessions feeling energized. Grounded. And at the same time, lighter. She had less of an urge to move until her body collapsed or she stopped thinking. And while she still had nightmares almost every night, on one occasion, she’d been able to calm herself back to sleep by thinking about Big Boy. Surely that was progress?
But what about Parker? a small voice inside her asked. “He knows I love him,” she answered to the sky.
What if something catastrophic happened to him?
She pulled Winny out of her lope and slowed to a stop. What if something catastrophic did happen to him? Would she care for him if he was maimed?
Yes. She laughed. That was a no brainer. Parker would still be Parker, and she’d have no problem going back to active duty or full-time Guard work to support him.
Would she regret not committing herself to him?
Her stomach churned with fear. Winny pricked her ears and snuffed. She patted the horse. “Yeah, Winny. That scares the piss out of me.” And the realization why locked into place. Tell him why. The tiny voice urged. Didn’t he deserve to know what was holding her back?
She wheeled Winny around and nudged her into a trot, before letting her break into a gallop. It was barely lunchtime. If Parker wasn’t home taking a nap, he’d be out somewhere on the Hansen ranch helping Gunnar. If she hurried, maybe she could bring him lunch from the food truck as a peace offering.
But her father was waiting for her when she returned to the stables. “Cass, would you mind coming out with me to check the cows? The grass is getting pretty dry, and I want to see if it’s time to supplement.”
Cassie’s heart sank a fraction. Sorting things out with Parker would have to wait a little longer. She wouldn’t say no to her dad. Growing up, she’d often been his right hand. She’d enjoyed it, and he never complained that he’d never had sons. Not even once. And while he’d never admit it, she could tell her dad was glad she’d moved home. He never missed an opportunity to get her outside, whether it was fence mending, or checking on the livestock.
“Sure, Dad. Your timing is perfect.”
He quickly saddled his horse, and together they set out for the far pasture. They’d work their way back to the barn as they checked the livestock. Her father was a man of few words. They never talked much on their rides, or while they worked, and she appreciated his quiet presence. So she was startled when they crested the first hill, and he slid her a look that reminded her more of her mom.
“I was always thrilled I had daughters.”
“Oh?”
“I always felt I could keep daughters safer than sons.”
Oh. He must have seen her bike. “Dad, I–”
“Give an old man the floor for a sec.”
“You’re hardly old.”
“Some days fifty feels pretty damned old.”
They made their way down the back side of the hill and crossed through a gate to the next pasture. Cassie felt like she should say something, but she didn’t know what. Her dad hated small talk. After a while, he spoke again. “I came home from my tour and wanted to put you all in cotton. And the day I saw you doing flips off the tree in the front yard, I about had a heart-attack.”
“That was when I broke my arm?”
He nodded. “Yeah. And for that split second before the pain hit, you had the biggest grin on your face. And it was the same grin on your face when you sent me the picture of you outside your helicopter.”
Her heart squeezed. She’d been so optimistic then. So convinced she was impervious to tragedy.
“How did you come back from it?” she asked quietly.
“Part of you never does. But you figure out how to not let it define you. You move on and focus on what’s here, what’s now. Sometimes I still get nightmares.”
“You do?”
He nodded. “Not often. But it happens. Having you and your mom helped. And your sisters, when they came along. Your mom was already working ’round the clock at the diner, but she’d just taken over, and I had to hustle. I wasn’t going to be the first in a line of Graces to lose the family homestead. Failing that mission scared the bejeezus out of me, so I did what it took to succeed.”
Huh. She’d never looked at succeeding at being a normal person as a mission.
“Cass, you know I’ll never tell you or the girls how to live your life. I’m damned proud of all of you. You’re strong women. Tough. Just like your mom. And it’s going to take a strong man to stick by your side.”
Is that where he was going? “Dad, I really–”
“Hear me out a sec. You won’t find a finer man than Parker Hansen anywhere. Don’t push him away because you’re wrestling with… things. I nearly did that to your mom, and I’m damned glad I didn’t.” His voice grew rough.
They’d reached the edge of the far pasture. The breeze ruffled her hair, cooling the heat at her neck. This must have been weighing on her dad a long time for him to bring it up.
“I can tell from the look on your face that I’ve made you uncomfortable. So I’ll leave you with this – who wins if you let fear have the last word?” He clucked to his horse and turned him around toward home.
They hardly spoke the rest of the ride, and by the time Cassie turned her bike onto the Hansen’s long drive, it was closing in on dusk. The smell of the grill wafted her direction as she parked her bike by their trucks. Gunnar stood over a grill just off the back porch, his dad, Eddie, and Parker lounged on the back steps, beers in hand.
Parker’s eyes grew wary as soon as they made eye-contact. A knot pulled in her gut. She was responsible for that look. Worse, he looked exhausted. The lines on his face looked deeper, his cheeks a little sunken. And she’d been so wrapped up in her own mess, she had forgotten he was coming off a fire with a fatality.
“Hey, Park.” She raised a hand in greeting as she approached.
Gunnar glanced up from the grill. “Just in time. Hungry?”
They all stared at her expectantly.
This had been a bad idea. She should have waited until morning when she could have caught Park by himself. Her legs tensed, adrenaline shooting through her. More than anything, she wanted to turn tail and walk away. But her mission was to act like a normal person, even if she felt anything but. She gave them a weak smile and shrugged. “Sure. Smells great.”
“Bison burgers from next door.”
Only in a ranch town did next door mean a mile over the hill.
Parker hopped up from the stairs. “Beer?”
Always the gentleman. She shook her head, still standing uncomfortably to the side. “No thanks. I’m on standby.”
Parker’s eyebrows shot skyward. “Fires?”
She nodded. “Colorado. Maybe Wyoming.”
Eddie hopped up too. “How about I grab one of Mike’s root beers? Cassie, you have a seat. Park, you too.”
Every instinc
t told her to execute a tactical retreat. But before she chickened out, her legs propelled her forward. Dang legs. As soon as she sat, Gunnar pressed a plate into her hands, and a moment later an unmarked brown bottle appeared at her side. She picked up the burger and dug in, groaning in delight after a minute. “Is that… spicy peanut butter?”
Gunnar nodded. “Yep. Jamey’s idea. Who’d have thought Sriracha peanut butter is amazing on a burger? I keep telling her she needs to stick it on the menu at the food truck.”
Cassie reached for her drink, a ripple of electricity skittering up her arm when her fingers brushed Parker’s. She flicked a glance at him, startled to discover him watching her closely. She warmed under his perusal and offered him a hesitant smile before taking another bite.
“Gunn,” Eddie called from the door. “The rest of those burgers done yet? Your ma’s getting impatient.”
“Right here, Pops.” Gunnar raised the plate heavy with juicy burgers and shut the lid on the grill. “I’ll just bring these inside.” He winked broadly at Parker as he hopped up the steps between them and disappeared into the kitchen.
Parker chuckled and raised his burger. “They’re not very subtle.”
“No. It’s kind of cute, actually.”
“Mostly, it’s awkward.”
Cassie let out a small laugh. “Yeah. You’re right.” She took another swallow of her root beer, hoping it would provide a little courage, but there was none to be had. They both spoke at the same time.
“Can I–”
“Should we–”
They both laughed, and something eased a bit in Cassie’s chest. “You first.”
Parker took a sip and Cassie fixated on his mouth. His perfect, kissable mouth that she hadn’t kissed in days. A sudden shot of awareness rocked through her. “I was going to suggest we go someplace a little more private.”
She nodded vigorously. “A walk would be nice.”
Parker stood and offered his hand, and the familiar chemistry ignited in her body as she took it and stood, a breath separating them.
