by Vance Huxley
“That rifle is from the Pinkies. We’ll get a commission if it’s fixed, and if it is and the price is right there’ll be business from us as well. Above my pay grade but I’d bet coupons Ken is using the Pinkies as a test.” Ski smiled at Tessa and gestured at the parcel. “If Tessa would unwrap it, nobody will get nervous.” All the Barbies were meticulous over calling both Tessa and Sharyn by name. The other gangs often called them ‘your wench’ or ‘Soldier Boy’s sister’ even if they kept it carefully polite.
Tessa unwrapped the weapon, a single shot rifle, and after checking the safety she tried to pull back the bolt. It went part way and stopped. “Is there one up the spout?” Tessa kept the rifle pointed at the ceiling, and her finger away from the trigger, while she jiggled the bolt some more.
“We don’t know. The Pinkies sent three rounds for testing which is supposed to be the system?” Harold nodded and Ski handed them over. “You look very comfortable with that, Tessa. Can you shoot?”
“My bloke was a soldier, and so was Sharyn’s, so we’ve been around weapons.” Tessa didn’t answer the shooting question but Ski answered it mentally, as yes.
Her eyes lit up. “Are you Shooter Three, or Five?”
Tessa stared at her in surprise. “Me?”
“Er. Well. Since someone heard the radio talk to Shooter Two, Three, Four and Five, everyone has been wondering which of your blokes they are. Two were on little rifles, but our lass heard twobigger rifles and then that old Army one. Near the endtwo new rifles fired four or five times, quickly sothey’ve both got clips.One of the first two was the sniper, and now you’ve got his rifle as well.We know about Emmy and Alfie, and since we are women we aren’t just looking at the men or big women like Emmy.” She looked at Fergie for a moment, assessing her size. “We know it isn’t Patty or she’d have been shooting in the battle on the TV, and Doll didn’t go to the Geeks as a shooter either. It’s the range that interests Ken. Oneshooter pinned that sniper at over six hundred yards, and theother two killed men at the same range. From the sound, the Army riflewas a lot further away so it got round behind the sniper.Ken says that part had to be Soldier Boy SAS shit.” Ski looked at Tessa again, then turned to Harold. “A couple of our people looked over the ground, after all the fuss died down. From the blood, they sort of figured out where everyone must have been. It wasn’t exactly a secret.”
“Not guilty. Though since we’ve got someone handy who can teach shooting?” Tessa smiled happily and swept her hand round to take in all of Orchard Close. “Who knows, we might have a Shooter Six or Seven? Seventeen?”
“Not then, or they would have been joining in because you’ve got more little rifles. You got that bloke’s rifle, so maybe eight altogether, or nine now?” Everyone just smiled until Ski sighed and continued. “Never mind. Back to that rifle there, can Soldier B… Can Harold fix it?” Ski had trouble with the informal bit.
“Possibly. If not you get it back and I’ll show you why,or maybe make a deal for the rifle as spares.” Harold held out a hand and Tessa passed over the weapon. “Unless something very odd has been done to it, apart from some prat using a hammer to try force the bolt, I can probably have it ready in a week. Do you know how many other gangs have found out about the repairing?” Harold hoped nobody else had been quite as enterprising as the Barbies when it came to estimating shooters, and that they’d keep quiet. He daren’t ask them to be discreet, in case they took it as confirmation.
“No idea, but the news is spreading. We’ve heard about the new ones, those muskets. Apparently you’ve made some broken ones work?” Ski waited until Harold nodded. “We can suggest that the Pinkies keep it quiet and just take commission, but you might be too late. It’s your own fault. We can trade with the Geeks now and believe me, they are very happy to give up all sorts of goodies for what we can offer. Malibu won’t let us trade the soft loo rolls, but they are very loose-mouthed if they get another sort of roll... er.” Everyone ignored the hesitation since it wasn’t actually outside the rules, and Ski was trying.
“Yeah, and as a bonus you can rob me blind by looting my nice new houses.” Harold wasn’t too worried by that becausethe GOFS had already taken what the Barbies wanted, booze and potential weapons. He only commented to keep them from being too blatant.
“Oh no. We’ve had to spank a couple of our lot for getting carried away. The hard word is out from the very top. Barbies are to leave your houses alone, because if anyone f… Er.” She paused, then started again. “If anyone messes up the free passage they’ll be in deep, well, a lot of trouble?” Ski shook her head in mock despair. “I’ve spent three years talking like that, and it’s hard to stop.”
“You’ll survive.” Tessa sounded sympathetic. “I found it a bit strange to start with.”
“Oh, I don’t mind. It’s just difficult, remembering. Maybe I should spend more time here, in the canteen, learning how to say cripes?” Ski looked over at Fergie and smiled brightly. “Maybe I can buy you a drink? We can practice cripes while talking about all your weapons and shiny armour, ormaybe my handcuffs?”
“If you’re buying.” Fergie smiled back, just as brightly. “And I’m off duty.” Some of those present did a double-take, but Harold had known about Fergie’s preferences since the private training sessions.
Ski looked a very happy Barbie Girl.”I’m buying so let me know when you’re free.”
“You could discuss that later? In the canteen, maybe?” Harold wanted to stop the flirting and get back to business, especially now it had suddenly gone beyond flirting.
“Sorry boss.” Fergie straightened her face and back.
“No problem. But not on duty.” Now all Harold needed was a subject change.
“How come you’ve still got loo rolls after four years?” Alfiemust have been thinking about them, and now everyone else realised that even with a shop full, the Barbies should have used them up.
“Ken thought about it, right at the beginning. The original Barbies, before I arrived, went out and looted every shop and house they could get to in the neighbouring territories. Loo rolls, sanitary pads, Tampax, moisturising creams, cotton buds. The other gangs weren’t interested in all the woman stuff, and they wanted booze and fags rather than loo rolls. We’ve still got quite a lot, all rationed of course.” She looked around hopefully.”Do you need any? In return for Rambos?”
“No, we’ve sort of fixed ourselves up.” Tessa smirked.She had been intrigued, and then definitely converted to bidets.
“Yeah, some of the girls said you’ve got a water jet thing that, well, you use a sponge? They reckoned it works, strange but quite gentle.” From the look, Skiwasn’t too sure. “I’m sort of looking forward to it. There’s not a lot of novelty about these days.”
“It’s a bidet. We’ve got a plumber so while your lot were nicking loo rolls, this lot were searching houses and ripping out bidets. We’ve got a lot of soft, natural sponges as well.” Tessa sighed dramatically as she sat back on the arm of Harold’s chair. “All these years with Mall loo paper, and bidets were just down the road.” She sighed again, even more dramatically. “If Harold had only said, I’d have moved in years ago.”
“It’s a good job the idea didn’t spread. The Geeks have parted with tons of cement and some gas bottles for our sort of luxury item. We’ve even been able to reinforce the approaches. We’d run out of cutting gas a bit back, but now there’s chunks of steel set into the roads on the approaches.” Ski made a seated half-bow to Harold. “Cherry liked your road defences, but we’ve adapted them to leave a way through for our cars.” The conversation drifted into who might trade what for luxuries, until Ski headed off to the canteen to try some Orchard Close stew and buy another beer.
Ski stayed overnight and did spend time, and coupons, buying Fergie beers and talking to everyone she could. Her bodyguards spent coupons in the canteen, flirted with everyone, male or female, and played loud music in the visitor’s house. The Barbies left the next morning with big smiles and
carrying crates of beer. Ski took back a mace for Ken, and a Rambo, and promised to be back in a week for the rifle. As the convoy roared off down the road, the car stereos blaring out Motorhead’s Eat the Rich, Caddi’s watchers crept back out of hiding.
*
While Harold found new ways to prise coupons out of the neighbours, the normal day-to-day work around Orchard Close produced its own rewards. Emmy’s garden gnomes worked their magic, the seasons turned, and more salad type goodies appeared on the tables. One teatime Daisy triumphantly produced her own, personally grown tomatoes. “One for Mummy, one for UncleHarold, and one for Wench Tessa.”
“What?” All three adults stared. “What did you call Tessa?” Sharyn cast a helpless glance at Harold and a definitely pink Tessa. “She’s AuntyTessa.”
“But everyone knows she is Uncle Harold’s wench. Georgina said that Joey told her and he heard it.” Daisy hesitated, thinking hard. “Somewhere but everybody calls her that.”
“But you called Holly Aunty.”
“Oh, is Tessa a gartered wench? We know that’s different. Why is it different? Have you got a garter, Tessa?” Daisy looked at Tessa, and two more pairs of bright inquisitive eyes joined hers so Wills and Eddie wanted to know as well.
Harold recovered first. “That’s a mummy question for later. You call her either Tessa or AuntyTessa, all right?”
Daisy nodded and Harold relaxed, much too soon. “All right. Is Mercedes your wench as well? Nobody else has two.”
“No, Mercedes is not my wench, and where did you hear that?” Harold knew the question had to be a mistake as soon as he opened his mouth.He could feel his cheeks heating up.
“But Milly said you kissed her by the gate because her mum said. Sukie said her mum is wearing shorts because if you can play grab-ass in the street…” Daisy stopped and put both hands over her mouth, eyes wide.
“Yes young lady. Definitely soapy-mouth.” Sharyn’s blush matched Harold’s and Tessa’s, and the meal finished hurriedly in embarrassed silence. Except for Daisy, who tried to spin hers out because of the upcoming retribution.
Once the children had gone with Sharyn to get washed, Harold tried. “Look, I’m sorry.”
“I volunteered. I didn’t think it through but of course people talk at home, and little pitchers have big ears.” Tessa shrugged, saw Harold’s expression and giggled. “At least I’m not the one playing grab-ass.”
“I didn’t!” Harold hesitated, because he usually ended up with his hands on Mercedes’ shorts, skirt or jeans. “I suppose I did, but on the main street where the kids don’t go.”
“From what Sukie said, the shorts and probably a bit of grab-ass could be spreading. Doll and Fergie have already strolled down Main Street in shorts, and quite a few of Doll’s squad wear them, even some ofthe blokes.” Tessa smiled happily at the next bit. “The scroats who saw Doll kept their mouths firmly shut. She had a pistol and a machete, and one hell of a kick-ass attitude.”
“I’m worried because if the dress code relaxes, it’ll encourage the likes of the Hot Rods.” Actually Harold wanted to beat his head on a wall, because he’d spent three years teaching the local scroats some manners.
“Not necessarily.” Sharyn must have heard that, as she came downstairs. “Remember what Holly said? It took a lot of training before the scroats accepted short skirts without getting out of hand, but it was worth the effort. The training slipped when you had your timeout, but you’ve straightened them out since. Some women like to wear shorts or short skirts, and if they are truly safe here, they’re safe to do that.”
Harold frowned because yes, the scroats had accepted Holly’s skirt. “Keep the garden canes handy.”
Sharyn glanced at Tessa. “Maybe your wench should carry one, as a hint.” Harold opened his mouth to object, but Tessa’s face told him he’d be wasting his breath.
“We agreed I’d pretend to be your wench, so I’ll keep pretending until the real one arrives. We’ll know her because you’ll start playing grab-ass.” Harold left to check something, anything, with laughter still ringing in his ears. It didn’t help that he knew if Mercedes turned up, he probably would end up with his hand on her ass.
*
Working on weapons kept Harold from dwelling too much on grab-ass, and a week later resulted in a working musket, a brand new one. He inspected the weapon, and the other two he’d almost completed, and knew it was time for the big reveal.
Harold invitedthe squad leaders, Casper, Alfie, Patty, Doll, Matthew and Bess, for a meal.He added Liz and Emmy, Sharyn suggested invitingStephan the joiner, and Patty wantedRu there because she’d soon be second in command of the Demons.When the group sat around the fully extended dining table, instead of an informal meeting in the lounge,the usual visitors started looking curious.”I invited you all here for a meal, the same food you’d get from the canteen but as a social occasion. The kids have gone off to Suzie’s for the night, supposedlyso Tessa and Sharyn can enjoy the meal in peace. The real reason is so we can have a long meeting, without making anyone curious.” Harold looked around the intrigued faces.”As you know, Liz has expanded her repertoire to Rambos and maces. We must decide which are needed most, what they will cost, and how much of what to trade. We will be getting enquiries about both weapons, and can probably sell all we can make, so over to you Liz?”
“I can re-temper old spring steel now, but I can’t make blades from any old scrap. If you find any broken or burned trailers in the rubble, rip off the springs and bring them in. It’s not thick enough for blades like the GOFS swords, but it’ll make Rambos.” Harold could see the distinct effort Liz made to bite off “and Wamil’s knives and sabres” when she realised everyone here might not know.
Alfie picked up thatsmall springs meant only small weapons. “So the bigger the better?”
“Yes, because they are thicker. That heavy duty trailer you found had some lovely, long, thicker plates under it.” Liz sighed. “It’s a pity we can’t find any big trucks, or old cars.”
“What about caravans?Can you use those springs?” Matthew had found a burned out touring caravan when scavenging,andbrought the springs back to Orchard Close.
Patty answered for them all. “Yes, because they’re just trailers with little houses on.”
“If bigger is better.” Alfie looked around with a smile starting. “Does that work for caravans?”
“Ooh yes. One of those big mobile homes would have….” Liz’s eyes opened wide, andhalf those present realised they knew where there were big mobile homes. Only the burned out remains of them,but springs weren’t combustible. Alfie nowwore a huge grin.
“The ones the assholes burned.” Harold didn’t need to say which assholes to some people here.
“The night I got my hairstyle?” Emmy put up a hand to stroke the crewcut side of her head.
“Anyone else lost? Because I haven’t suddenly seen the light, or anything else.” Tessa looked from one to the otherand Patty,Ru, Stephan, Bess and Doll looked back, baffled.
“Before your time, before Bess or Patty,a dozen scroats came in here before the walls were built.” Casper nodded towards Harold.”Harold shot the leader because he pointed a big pistol at us, then I shot the one with a shotgun after he tried for Emmy.” Emmy tapped the small scars on her cheek and forehead.
Harold answered the question in five pairs of eyes. “Then I told them they could keep their clothes if they left nice and quiet. The residents chipped in to say how they’d prefer to kill a few, so the scroats dropped their weapons and scarpered.”
Liz grinned at Tessa. “You know that big tarmac park the other side of the neutral road?”
“The one dug up in strips for potatoes? Yes.”
“There were over a dozen big mobile homes on there when the roads were sealed. We were strippingthem for gas fired stuff in case the electricity died. There were beds, carpets, fitted units, a miniature house inside each one. The assholes set fire to them and boy, do they burn.” Liz looked unha
ppy now, and fell silent.At the timeshe’d cried about all the good gear that went up in flames.
Harold finished up for her. “We dragged all the wreckage to the far end so we could see anyone sneaking across the tarmac. When the Army used a bulldozer to clean up bodies after the big breakout attempt, they shoved the whole lot a bit further. The RAFturned the bodies into a pyre that included the wreckage.Nobody wanted to go near that mess for a long time.” Harold didn’t mention human bones and charred meat or the stink.”We’ve chucked other rubbish on there since.”
“Rubbish that isburying big flat springs!” Liz finished triumphantly. “They’ve been there forever and I’d forgotten about the caravans.” She hit herself on the forehead with the heel of her hand. “Cripes!” Liz spun and glared at Alfie. “There’d better be the right sort of springs in there!”
Alfie cowered in mock terror. “I can’t remember. I’veonly looked to see if any of the metal sheeting might be thick enough to use for shields. It’s allcaravan walls, thin aluminium I could sneeze through where it didn’t already melt.”
*
That ended the discussion because Liz had to go and look, right now. The inhabitants of Orchard Close were treated to the sight of the whole group being chivvied down the access road, and across the potato field to the rubbish heap. One good look at the tangle of metal, melted plastic and charred wood and Liz gave a big whoop. By the time she had danced through the entire group, hooking arms to whirl each person, everyone there got the message.
Harold managed to shut her up until they got back and indoors, where the residents, Caddi’s watchers, the world and his dog couldn’t hear. Once allowed to celebrate, Liz wouldn’t stop crowing about how she could make Rambos for all the guards, and Harold could sell oodles. She wanted all the springs dragged out and across the road, now! Alfie agreed to get a work gang organised and start shifting the springs in the morning. If he used the pickup and vans to block the view, and scavengedall the aluminium as well, Caddi’s watchers wouldn’t have a clue.
