by S. K. Lessly
Shit...
I gasped in surprise from my own words spilling out of my mouth. I didn’t mean to say that last part and from the look of shock on Shane’s face he didn’t expect me to say it either.
However, he recovered quickly and came at me with his fists raised, figuratively of course.
“So, I belonged to you huh, is that what you’re saying?” He baited and I took that fucking bait like the out of control idiot I was.
“Yeah, that’s right. You were mine.” I challenged heatedly. I stepped closer to him, irritation bubbling over from him questioning me, feeding the fury raging in me even more.
“Since when?” he challenged.
“Since the first day we met. You were mine. Mine! Do you hear me? That fucking bitch didn’t deserve you. You weren’t made for her. You were made for me.”
“Then why didn’t you say something?” he demanded, his voice rising in tone and volume. I stopped short, realizing the trap he set for me after I was caught in the net.
I opened my mouth to attempt a response, but nothing came out. I was speechless; however Shane was not.
He stepped closer. “If you wanted me, why didn’t you say something? You fucking paraded your boy toys around me for years, made me sit there and watch them touch you, hold you, kiss you, when you could have been mine all this time! Is that what you’re telling me?”
Feeling my feathers ruffled, I shot back, “Dammit, I was trying to do the right thing!”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Shane prodded, the aggravation and impatience evident all over his face. “For fuck sake, just tell me. What—”
“I can’t have kids!” I blurted, cutting him off. He stared at me eyes wide, mouth slightly agape.
There. Finally, I said it. Unfortunately, asshole here didn’t hear me.
“Ahh…I’m sorry, what?”
I rolled my eyes and growled, yes growled.
“Oh, for crying out loud.” I grabbed my hair in frustration, fighting back the burning sensation starting behind my eyes. I refused to cry but the feeling of defeat and hopelessness was slowly taking over.
“I can’t have… kids,” I repeated, the word kids coming out shaky. I took a deep breath, willed the tears not to fall and fought through the emotions creeping up my throat. “That’s why I kept my distance from you. Okay? That’s why I let her have you, so you could have the life you deserve, the family you deserve.”
Fuck, my heart was beating out of control. I needed to take a breath but my body started to vibrate with nerves and fear. Shit this wasn’t supposed to be this way. I wasn’t supposed to break in front of him. Just tell him the rest and get the hell out of here.
I took a deep breath and found the courage to continue.
“I can’t give you the life you deserve, Shane. Do you understand? I kept my distance, buried my feelings and sacrificed my… heart to…” breathe “…make sure you would have everything thing you wanted. Do you see? I can’t…” Fuck… breathe dammit! “Shit! Oh fuck…”
I shut my eyes, gripped my shirt and rubbed at my chest. I bent over and rested my hand on my knee, hoping that would ease the panic attack that I knew was coming.
“Baby, look at me.” I felt his hands on my face, gripping me tight, pulling me upright. “Look at me. It’s okay. It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” I rushed out on a pained whisper, pulling away from him. I wiped my face with the backs of my hands; not surprised to feel the wetness on them. I was beyond caring at this point. He had to see. “It’s not okay, Shane. We don’t belong together. The lies we’re telling ourselves, pretending that we’re enough, it isn’t fair to either one of us. Do you understand? We aren’t meant to be.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. Okay, I hear you. You found out that you can’t have kids. Fine. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not disappointed but it’s nothing we can’t handle. We’ll make due. We’ll find alternatives together.” He reached for me; I pushed his hand away.
“No,” I shook my head feverishly.
“We’ll try in vitro,” he went on, “We’ll, we’ll get a surrogate, we’ll adopt, we’ll be by our fucking self. I don’t care! As long as I have you. As long as you’re in my life. I don’t care about anything else. I love you, baby. I love you. And if that means… no, listen to me. Stop pulling away.”
He grabbed my arm as he spoke trying to pull me to him and I knew, if he wrapped his arms around me, I was a goner. I couldn’t let that happen. I yanked my arm from his grip and stepped back, vehemently shaking my head.
“God, Shane. You don’t know what you’re saying. You can’t possibly understand what this means. You want a family, kids. And don’t pretend that it’s not a big deal because I know it is.”
I pointed at him after he parted his lips to speak over me. When he didn’t breathe another word, I continued.
“You want to have a family, Shane. I’ve heard you say it. Hell, you and I talked about it multiple times on your parents’ deck while getting drunk. I know it’s what you want. I’ve seen you with Baby Jay. Your face lights up the moment he’s in the room. He’s with you more than he’s with his own parents. So, don’t make it seem like it’s not a big deal.”
“Grace, I’m not—”
“And when Sweets and your sister walk in the room waddling and everything, you’re the one who caters to them, rub their bellies, and get on your brothers for being horrible husbands.”
I started to pace, my arms flailing about as I talked. I was erratic, I knew, but it was all I could do to stop myself from breaking down.
“Grace,” he called in a voice that would definitely destroy me if I let it. It was soft, void of the anger, pain, and resentment from earlier. Yeah, I was going to crumble right at his feet. I couldn’t let him break me.
“Grace,” he called again and I stopped and looked at him, my face cold. My body was tense and ready for a fight.
I slashed the air in front of me with my hand. “No! There’s nothing you can say to make this better. I’m damaged. Don’t you get it? I’m broken in so many ways.”
“You’re not broken or damaged,” he replied and I pursed my lips as if I tasted something sour and I had.
“Oh, please. Yes, I am. I’m broken and damaged and I’m—”
“I don’t care!” He admitted on a growl. He stepped closer to me, a touch of madness in his eyes that surprisingly didn’t scare me. “You’re beautiful, strong, and sexy as hell, and deranged as fuck. And yeah, maybe you’re a little damaged and broken but hell so am I. Nothing could ever change the way I feel about you. You may piss me off a lot and make me want to punish you something fierce, but that doesn’t change the fact that I want you. Or that you’re all mine.”
He captured my face between his strong hands.
“Do you hear me? I don’t care that you can’t have kids. And no, before you try and run away, I’m not saying that I don’t want kids because I do. I want to able to knock you up and see our baby grow in your belly, feel our baby move, or see you give birth to a little girl that looks just like you. But fuck, Grace, if that doesn’t happen then it doesn’t happen. Believe me when I say the alternative of not having you in my life, by my side is what I can’t live without. I can’t live without you, baby. Do you get me? I love you, Grace. I—”
I broke then.
In that moment, from the words that fell upon me, I broke. The strength I held onto throughout my life crumbled. I found myself wrapped in Shane’s arms, my face buried in his chest, my arms around his waist. Tears fell from my eyes; snot fell from my nose. He pulled my face back from his chest, and wiped my face with shaky fingers. He then rained kisses all over my face, on my eyes, my cheeks, my lips. At the same time, he told me how much he loved me, needed me, couldn’t live without me. God, it was too much.
Then to top everything off, he put a kiss on me so deep, hard and with so much tenderness and reverence I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t…breathe!
I needed to get away. I needed to catch my breath, to think and I couldn’t do that with his tongue down my throat or his love surrounding me. I just…
I pushed him back and stepped out of his hold.
“No, Shane stop. I can’t…” I blurted, finally able to breathe.
Shane eyes darkened, the heat from them replaced with anger or frustration or hell maybe both.
“Don’t do this, Grace. Stop pushing me away.”
I shook my head, wanting to explain that I wasn’t pushing him away I just needed time. However, I couldn’t fix my lips to say the words. I just backed away. I couldn’t help it. I felt trapped, like a wild animal trying to be caged. I knew he wasn’t trying to make me feel this way, I just couldn’t see past my fear.
“Grace,” he warned and I shook my head again.
I created enough space to escape and just when I was about to make my exit, he grabbed my arm. I reacted on pure instinct and hit him on his bruised side. He yelled in pain and hunched over, gripping his side. I took that time to grab my shit and make my exit.
But before I escaped, I heard him growl in warning, “If you walk out that door—”
I didn’t wait to hear the rest. I mumbled a sad apology and walked out on the love of my life.
I took the steps down to the bottom floor and ran to my car. Once I was inside, I finally let loose with a scream that all of D.C. probably heard. I even played with the idea of going back upstairs, plead for his forgiveness, and make this right. In the end, I stayed where I was. I needed to get my shit in order, my feelings and emotions and I needed space and time to do it.
I started my car, peeled out of my parking space and headed for the highway. I needed a place to escape and I knew just the two people that would help me disappear for a few days. I came to a light, made a right, and headed for the ones that knew me the most and would understand my pain. My parent’s. I just hope they knew what to do to salvage my broken heart.
15
Josh
I stared at the dark house, regret swimming throughout my body. I had always known I was an asshole, but I hadn’t realized just how much until now. I slammed my fist against the steering wheel multiple times in quick succession, wishing I could beat my own ass. I fucked up royally, majorly, astoundingly and I had no one to blame but myself.
I was just so angry. Hell, I still was. The night I spent away from home did nothing to thwart the fury boiling in my veins. I mean how could she…?
My grip tightened on the steering wheel and I opened my eyes and gazed out into the night.
Regardless of how pissed I was, there was no excuse for what I said to Sweets. I was still pissed after sparring with Shane. It was supposed to have calmed me down, but it didn’t work. The only thing it did was fuel the rage already burning and turn my entire body into one painful large bruise.
Side note: never spar with Shane when he’s pissed. He’s a fucking lunatic. I may have gotten off a few damaging hits on him, but my body felt as if he used me as his personal punching bag.
We had gone at it for an hour or so and yet when it was all said and done, when we had exhausted ourselves, I was still just as furious as when we started.
He was a fucking got damn asshole, that’s what he was.
I was pissed off about Misty. I told him she was off limits and the fucker didn’t listen.
I had a feeling something was brewing between Shane and Misty. Saw it at Malcolm’s birthday party and again in the office. That was one time too many. So, when I witnessed him go all bat-shit crazy when Noah talked about Misty, that was it. Shane and I needed to talk.
Look, I love my brother, I do, but Misty was special. She deserved to be happy and to be with someone that would love the fuck out of her despite her craziness. Someone to cherish her and be there for her.
Shane wasn’t looking to settle down, to be with one woman. He proved that with whatever he has going on with Casey. The fucker was a player, had been like that since he learned about sex. I had watched him break too many women’s hearts in the past and I wasn’t about to sit around while he played with Misty. She didn’t deserve that. She deserved to find someone that would be good for her.
She’d been through hell with that fucking ex of hers. He worked her over something fierce, broke her and it took years to bring her back. Shane had the ability to destroy what was left of her heart and I wasn’t going to just stand by and let that shit happen.
My plan had been to have a rational and intelligent conversation on the way back to the office. I was going to remind him that he was in a relationship with Casey and to stay away from Misty or I would beat the shit out of him. Unfortunately, things changed. Thanks to that piece of shit Noah, the conversation I wanted to have with my brother changed slightly.
In fact, once we made it to the ring, I started our conversation with a swift jab to his smug-ass face. Shane tried to lean away from the hit, but I still caught him right on his cheek.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked, seething. We were inches away from each other, rage and frustration floated all around us.
I didn’t answer him right away. I waited for a few more seconds before I told him exactly what this was about in one word.
“Misty.”
After that, we had our little “talk".
It was brutal, unforgiving and un-fucking-productive. When it was all said and done, we were right back to square one.
“Stay away from her,” I called out to Shane’s retreating form. I had collapsed on the mat from exhaustion and pain, eyes closed trying to breathe, when I heard him walking away.
“Fuck you,” came his gruff reply.
I growled, slowly sat up and watched his retreating form. “I’m not fucking joking, Shane. Stay the fuck away from Misty. She doesn’t deserve to be played with by you.”
Shane stopped and turned around.
“Is that what you think I’m doing, playing with her?”
“It’s what you do. You’ve been fucking around with Casey for a while now with nothing to show for it.”
“You don’t know shit,” Shane bit back.
“I know you’ve been playing with her. You know damn well you don’t want a future with her and yet you keep stringing that poor girl on. Now you have Misty in your sights, well fuck you. I won’t stand by and let you use her.”
Shane shook his head. “Again, you don’t know shit.”
I stood slowly and spread open my arms, welcoming the conversation. “Yeah, then why don’t you enlighten me? What the fuck is going on between you and Misty?”
Shane started forward, jumped back on the mat and reentered the ring. He stepped right up to my face said, “It’s none of your got damn business. That’s between me and her.”
That’s bullshit. I narrowed my eyes on my brother.
“The hell it is. She’s mine.” I declared vehemently. “I’ve protected her; I’ve had her back for years. I was there when she used to wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares, or when her past haunted her in daydreams. I made sure she was all right. That she didn’t get lost in her head, which she tends to do. You don’t know how to handle her. I do. I’m the one she calls when she’s lost. Not Malcolm and especially not you. You don’t know shit about her or her struggles. You don’t know shit about her dreams, her heart, or her soul. You’re too busy playing games with good women to see past your shit. No. You don’t deserve her. You’re not good enough.”
Shane stepped back from me with shock and then hurt all over his face.
“Wow,” was all he said before he shook his head, turned, and left the ring.
Okay, I may went a bit overboard. But shit, he needed to know. Misty wasn’t like some average girl. She was special. Still, I shouldn’t have said that last shit, but I was pissed. And now I couldn’t take it back. So, I trudged on.
“Stay away from her,” I called after him.
He gave me his middle finger and left the room, which only pissed me off eve
n more.
Do you see now how fucked up I felt when my wife called me on the drive home? I hadn’t been in the right frame of mind from the door but dealing with Shane didn’t make shit any better. To make matters worse, Nickels had fucked around and called to tell us he had miraculously located the footage from the interview between Kenya and Noah. Man, to see what happened to my wife with my own two eyes fucked me up even more. I was lost to my rage. I was beyond salvaging.
So, the moment her voice floated from the speakers of my car, I went in on her.
She tried to explain her reasons for keeping what happened in Hell and her suspicions about Emily from me. I barely let her get a word in edgewise. I didn’t care to hear her explanation, but she gave it, telling me how out of control I was when it came to Emily.
Well fuck, the bitch tried to kill me and left me to bleed out. How else was I supposed to feel? I wasn’t letting that go, which had been her argument.
“You’re irrational when it comes to her. You care more about getting your revenge than me and your family.” She accused me, which sent me into the stratosphere.
“Are you fucking kidding me? You really believe that shit? You think I give two fucks about her?”
“Oh please, what did you call her? Em?” She then changed her voice I guess to mimic Emily’s. “Oh, Jay help me please.” She scoffed. “You and your precious Em are full of shit!”
“Watch that shit, Kenya.”
“Watch what, huh, Jay? I saw enough. You still have feeling for her, don’t you? That’s why you were putting so much energy in finding her.”
“You have got to be kidding me right now. You think I have feelings for her? I wanted to kill the bitch. Or don’t you remember that? Let me tell you what I remember. I remember you getting in my way when I had my gun pointed right at her, my finger on the trigger.”
