by S. K. Lessly
My entire body had been on fire, goosebumps exploding all over me. My skin was charged and screaming for his touch. My pussy, well that greedy bitch took everything Shane gave her and had the audacity to beg for more.
I wasn’t complaining, though. I needed this, needed the closeness of his body, the scent of him, the touch of him all around me. I needed to be enraptured by him. I needed to hear him whisper filthy things to me and back up every-single-thing he promised.
On the drive to his parent’s house, I had prayed he would forgive me. I even had a speech prepared in order to persuade him to forgive me. I thought he would agree to come with me somewhere private, my place perhaps because it was closer to his parent’s house. I thought we’d talk everything through and I would have to grovel for his forgiveness. None of that happened.
I had put him through unnecessary bullshit. All I had to do was be honest and tell him everything from the jump. Fear was a bitch; let me tell you. I was afraid to tell him everything, afraid it would change the way he looked at me, how he felt about me.
I felt broken and unworthy and quiet as kept I still do to a certain extent. We would never be able to have a family of our own and maybe that’s not a big deal to some people. It was to me. I wanted to give him that happiness and joy that having kids brought to your life. I wanted to see the joy on his face, the unconditional love for the children we’d bring into the world.
Yeah, there’s adoption and maybe, in the future, we’d think about it. But it’s not the same.
I shivered again, tried to run my fingers through my mess of hair, gave up and just rubbed the knotted mane. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, in through the nose out through the mouth. Again and again.
On the ride to his apartment, we had that talk I had wanted. We talked about the mistakes both of us made, but if I was being honest, I didn’t see the mistakes he made. He wanted me and finally had enough and went after what he wanted. I was the one holding back. Out of fear or stupidity, whatever you wanted to call it.
He explained how my actions caused him to wonder if I wanted him at all. He knew I was a go-getter. If there was something I wanted, I went after it. When it came to him, I hesitated. He was right about that too. I had always been like that. I didn’t know the word no. If I wanted something, I’d get it or die trying.
Shane was different for me.
He felt unattainable, if that made sense. I didn’t think he wanted me for one, and I wasn’t the type who dealt with rejection well. And two, I couldn’t have kids and I knew he wanted them. It didn’t make sense to start something when that reality was between us.
However, I did it anyway and well you knew the rest.
My mind drifted back to the rest of the conversation we had once he parked his car. He located a rare parking spot in front of the building, pulled into it and turned off the engine. It rattled a little bit then settled, plunging us into a tense silence.
I had taken a deep breath, tilted my body to face him and asked the question that has been weighing on my mind ever since the day he kissed me for the first time.
“Can I ask you a question?”
Shane looked over at me. “Yeah, of course.”
“Don’t get mad, but are you sure about us?” I held my breath for his answer, hoping he hadn’t changed his mind about me on the drive over here.
Shane studied me for a long moment before he reached over the console between us and captured my hand with his.
He laced his fingers with mine and brought our hands to his lips. He kissed my knuckles softly, sending chills up my spine. “Yeah, baby. I’m sure. Why are you questioning the way I feel about you?”
“I’m sorry. I just…I don’t know. It’s the not having kids that’s tripping me up. The way you are with Jay and how your face lights up when Sweets or your sister are around with their pregnant bellies is a beautiful thing to watch. I’m sorry but it’s hard for me to accept you’re okay with not having kids.”
He just shrugged.
“If I can’t have any with you, then I’m not meant to have them, it’s as simple as that. Look, I get where you’re coming from, I do, but it’s more for me. Baby, it’s not about me wanting kids. It’s about me wanting kids with you. I won’t lie it sucks that we can’t. I wanted to knock you up, watch your belly grow with our baby. But if those aren’t the cards God dealt us then fine. That doesn’t mean I don’t deserve you and you don’t deserve me. It just means we have the opportunity to have a different kind of family. One that maybe allows us to adopt. Or hell we could just spoil our nieces and nephews. Whatever fate has in store for us, we will tackle it together and that’s what I want.”
I placed my hand to his cheek. He wrapped warm fingers around my wrist and kissed my palm.
“I swear I don’t deserve you. But I’m going to keep you.”
He grinned and leaned forward. I met him halfway and our lips touched. We kissed softly at first but anytime our lips connected, sparks flew. He deepened the kiss, his tongue tasting me, owning me, driving me in-freak-sane.
I climbed over the console and into his lap. He leaned his seat back so I could comfortably straddle him. I controlled this kiss, taking from him everything I could, his love, his devotion, his heart. When I finally let us both up for air, I rested my forehead against his and breathed him in.
“Do you know you’re my weakness?” he whispered on a soft breath.
“I am?” I leaned back so I could meet his eyes.
Shane nodded slowly, caressing my face with his fingers.
“Yeah, you are,” he replied. “I knew I was in trouble the first day we met. I knew I wanted you. My soul called out to you every second of every day. I knew and tried to ignore my desires. Instead, I fed my obsession for you from a far. But fuck… this last month baby… I have never been so lost in my life.” He watched me closely, studying me before he rested on his elbow and looked down at me. “I can’t lose you. Do you hear me? Baby, this can’t happen again. You can’t disappear on me like that.”
“Shane…” I groaned, mumbled his name and tried to shift away from him. I didn’t want to have this conversation, especially not while his hard dick was flush up against my heated center.
Shane placed both palms on the side of my face and turned me back to face him.
“Don’t pull away from me, Grace. Being without you was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I knew you were hurting and I couldn’t get to you. I had lost it on multiple occasions. The only reason why I didn’t rip Brazil apart with my bare hands looking for you was Josh. He talked me down. He was the one that told me to focus on something else and give you time. That’s why I did the videos. Listen,” Shane’s face took on a serious tone that surprisingly didn’t have me wanting to bail, but wanting to get closer to him so I did. “Don’t ever feel you can’t come to me for anything. Lean on me whenever you need to. I’ll be there, especially when you get lost in that head of yours. I have your back always. I’ll be the one to pull you out, I promise you baby. I’ve got you.”
“You saved my life.” I told him my voice low and filled with the adoration in my heart.
“Yeah?”
I nodded, unable to formulate a syllable due the mountain-size boulder in my throat.
“Maybe one day you’ll tell me all about it. I hope you trust me with your secrets because I trust you with mine.”
He kissed me lightly on my lips, a gentle graze that caused my heart to explode.
“I love you, Shane.” I admitted to him with an ease I never thought I’d have.
Shane pushed my hair back from my face, and gently cupped my cheek.
“I love you, too, more than I’ve ever loved anyone. You’re my heart, my world, my life, my—“
I cut him off, unable to take it anymore, with a kiss that told him how I felt the same. The kiss got heavy. I grinded down on him, he grabbed my ass and squeezed hard. Before I knew it, his fingers were underneath my dress, stroking my clit until I exploded.<
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After that well… things sort of went haywire. He climbed out of the truck, me still wrapped around him, and carried us both into the building. We rode the elevator sucking faces all the way to his door.
Once we entered his apartment, clothes were thrown everywhere and I found myself pushed up against the wall and his face buried in between my thighs.
I came so hard I thought I would drown him, but he kept taking it, taking me over and over again. When he was done making me lose my mind with his tongue, I almost collapsed on him I was so exhausted. It didn’t faze him. He merely picked me up, carried me into his bedroom and proceeded to fuck me as if the world was on fire.
The first time didn’t last long for the both of us. But the second, third, fourth and fifth times… Whew!
The door behind me opened and suddenly he was there, bringing warmth and peace to my broken, cold body.
Warm lips kissed my neck.
A content moan escaped his lips and he wrapped his arms, and blanket, around me and enveloped me into his warm embrace.
“What are you doing out here in the cold? It’s freezing out here even for my white ass. Can’t sleep?”
I chuckled and shrugged. I burrowed deeper into him, but it wasn’t close enough. I turned around in his arms and wrapped mine around his waist.
There.
I was quiet, taking in the scent of him, his love, his everything and shivered again.
Shane caressed my back, his face buried in my hair, inhaling me too.
“You okay, baby?” he asked, pulling me closer to him and resting his forehead against the top of mine.
“Yeah, I’m good,” I finally replied, rubbing his bare back with my cold hands.
He jumped. “Jesus your hands are cold. Let’s go inside. I’ll make you some tea or hot cocoa.” He leaned back from me, watching me closely.
My eyes were closed but I still smiled up at him and nodded.
Shane led me inside his room and shut the sliding glass door behind us. He shoved off the blanket around him and placed it around me. I gripped it tight and started following him out of the bedroom. He motioned me to have a seat at the island and he went to pull two cups from his cabinet. He grabbed his old school kettle from the back of the stove and carried it to his sink.
As the pot filled, he looked over at me.
“What’s going through that pretty head of yours?”
I shrugged again but received a frown for my troubles.
“Come on, Misty. I thought we were past the secrets,” he admonished lightly and my shoulders slumped.
He was right so I spilled.
“It’s nothing bad. I promise. I was just thinking about you, about us, that’s all. We’ve wasted a lot of time because of our pride or sense of family honor.”
Shane snorted. He had explained to me that he had been into me from the beginning but didn’t push because of Josh. Then when his family fell in love with me, he continued to keep his distance. Also, he didn’t think I was interested in dating white guys since all he saw me with were black guys.
I felt like he should have pushed up anyway.
“We could’ve been bumping uglies all this time,” I told him.
He chuckled and shook his head. “Yeah, you’re right. What a waste of time.”
Shane placed the kettle on the back eye of the stove and turned the eye on. The wet pot started to sizzle from eccess water as the iron rods started heating up.
When Shane faced me, I smirked at him and shook my head.
“You’re such a dinosaur. They do have coffee makers you know.”
Shane frowned at me. “That’s the problem with your generation. All you want is instant gratification. You don’t have patience. Trust me, patience is a virtue. You should try it sometimes.”
I snorted. “Yeah, right. Says one of the most impatient people I know.”
“Don’t change the subject. Talk to me. What’s on your mind?”
Shane leaned against the countertop closest to the island and studied me.
I blew out a breath and admitted, “Nothing serious. Things just hit me all of a sudden. I missed a lot while I was inside my head.”
Shane had told me about the ceremonies they had for the guys that we had lost, especially Jacks. Josh took it hard when he found out about Jacks. It was even worse when he learned Jacks died saving his family.
I didn’t hide my dislike for the man. Ever since the shit he pulled with Diane, he had been on my hit list. It didn’t matter that he realized the error of his ways and joined the side of the angels. It was the fact that he faltered in the first place. I understood why, I did. Josh had been flaky with the women in his past, Emily being proof of his weakness and stupidity.
However, all you had to do was look at Sweets and you knew she was good and good for Josh. I wasn’t sure if Jacks was jealous or what, but his actions were unforgiveable in my book.
Admittedly, he was growing on me. I had been thinking about forgiving him and now he was gone. I’d never get that chance to tell him he was back into the folds. I guess I’d tell him when I joined him in hell.
“Babe,” Shane caressed my cheek and I looked up at him. “Did you hear what I said?”
I blinked at him, clearing the fog in my head. “No, sorry. I was…” I cleared my throat. “Sorry, what did you say?”
“I asked you if you wanted tea or hot cocoa?”
I gave him a ‘what do you think’ look and replied, “Do you not know me at all? Hot cocoa of course.”
He smiled at me and held up two hot cocoa packets. “I was just making sure.”
He poured the contents into one of the mugs in front of me and a tea bag in the other.
“I can’t believe Jacks is gone.” He hummed his response. “How was Sweets after? I know she witnessed him being killed. Was she okay?”
The coffee pot took that opportunity to whistle and Shane went to retrieve the screaming pot. He poured the steaming water in both our cups then placed the pot back on the stove.
“She had some rough moments. She also witnessed her husband being kidnapped. They lost their home and all of their belongings. Emily also set their house in the city on fire too. I guess she figured there wasn’t a need for the shit since she thought she had killed Sweets and Jay. Josh was next so why leave anything of theirs left for their families.”
I frowned, the anger for that bitch starting to surface.
Shane had shut the eye off on the stove, grabbed a spoon, and handed it to me along with a piping hot cup of cocoa.
I thanked him and started stirring the chocolate goodness.
“Too bad I killed her quick. I should have just injured her so I could torture her later.”
Shane shook his head at me. “She got what she deserved. What Sweets and Josh lost was immaterial. They’re alive and together. That’s all that matters. The rest will be taken care of.”
“And you say they live in this building?”
“Yeah, down the hall. It’s a little too close for my comfort, but it’s temporary. They haven’t found the house they wanted yet. They’re thinking about buying in Virginia. I hope—"
Shane was going on and on about something but I suddenly got lost in the warmth that started flowing through my body. My heart started beating out of control and this heavy feeling of contentment covered me. I loved this man. I mean I truly, unequivocally loved this man. He was everything I had ever wanted and more. He was sexy as fuck, smart, had a beautiful heart, damaged soul, just like me, and he, God, he loved the fuck out of me. I felt it in every touch, the look in his eyes, the words he spoke. It was overwhelming and addictive and I was obsessed with it. I wanted it, him, every second of every minute.
Don’t ask me why I suddenly started gushing over this man because I couldn’t freaking tell you. Maybe it’s because of earlier, how we unleashed our feelings then made mad passionate love until we both passed out. Or maybe it’s because of now. He made me freaking hot cocoa, in his basketball shorts a
nd nothing else, his gorgeous define chest on display. Whatever the reason, I wanted forever with him.
“Shane, do you want to get married?” I blurted completely out of the blue. “To me I mean.”
He froze in mid-sentence, my question catching him off guard, as you would imagine. His cup was in mid-air, poised at his lips. His eyes were wide and he just stared at me for a long few seconds before he placed his cup down. He leaned on the counter in front of me and really studied me.
I held his eyes, never wavering, never faltering.
After more quiet seconds passed, I started to get nervous under his heated stare. I started to raise my cup to my lips just to give myself something else to concentrate on when he spoke.
“I think the question is do you want to get married. I distinctively remember you telling me you weren’t wife material.”
“I’m not,” I agreed.
“So, then why—”
“Because, I want this forever.”
“What?” he asked, his eyebrows rising, his mouth slightly open.
“This. You and me. Cold winter nights. Having hot cocoa and tea, talking about mundane work things like…”
“What? Like kidnappings, assassinations, and raids that kind of mundane things?” the sides of his beautiful mouth turned up in a half smile.
I shrugged. “Yeah, like that. Look, don’t look at me like that. You know what I mean. I just… I like this with you. What we’re doing is nice and I want this—”
“Forever,” Shane finished for me and I nodded my head. I let a shaky breath fall from my lips and waited for him to tell me I was crazy. I was sure he was thinking it. I was.
Shane fell silent again then blew out a breath and was about to say something when someone started banging on the door.
That startled the both of us.
We looked at each other questioningly, then at the hallway leading to the door.
The knocking was incessant, demanding.
“Who’s that?” I asked and my question was answered when our visitor started screaming Shane’s name.
