“You’re not. This is a hard situation and you’re just being honest. That’s what best friends are for. You get to say all the wrong things to me so you don’t say them to Devon and screw everything up. You don’t want to screw everything up, do you?” Her question was serious and I knew she wanted an honest answer.
“No, I don’t want to screw everything up. But I also don’t want to be emotionally torn to shreds in a few weeks when he realizes he’s still in love with his wife. Ex-wife. Dead wife. Shit.” I pulled my knees up to my chest, placing my coffee cup on the table.
“Listen, from everything I’ve ever heard about Devon, and from the few times I spent any significant time with him, I can tell you I think he’s a really decent guy. Like, a really good guy, Grace. And I don’t think he’s going to break your heart. I do think it’s really important that you talk to him about this. Only he can tell you exactly what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling.”
My mind drifts back to our conversation the night before on his couch and I shut my eyes, groaning. I didn’t really want to have that conversation again, but I knew she was right. I had to tell him why I was pulling away. If I didn’t, eventually I would pull right out of his grasp and he’d have no option but to let me go.
“Don’t sabotage a good thing because your ex-husband did a number on you. Don’t let Jeff and that Jessica bitch have that much power over you.”
I had to laugh at Shelby’s obligatory best-friend-mistress-hating skills.
“You’re right. I know you’re right. But….”
“What? Spit it out.”
“What if I say all this to him and he thinks I’m a terrible person. I feel like a terrible person.”
“Grace, Devon loves you. He probably realizes there’s something wrong and is waiting for you to be comfortable enough to tell him what it is. Put the man out of his misery. The sooner you tell him what’s bothering you, the sooner he can make you feel better with his penis.”
“Shelby!” I couldn’t help the laughter that escaped me, and eventually there were tears streaming down my face. “You’re the only person in the world who could say something like that to me and make me laugh. Those words from anyone else would just be wrong.”
“Hey, it’s my job to make you laugh. It’s also my job to tell you when you’re being dumb. You’re not being dumb yet, but if you don’t tell him about all this, you’ll be on your way there.”
“I know.”
“When do you see him next?”
“I’m supposed to go over there after my shift tonight.”
“I expect a full report tomorrow. And not just a report about the conversation, although that’s important. I put in my best friend time today, doled out my best advice, and I require compensation in the form of sexy details.”
“Sexy details? What kind of details are you looking for?”
“General girl talk. Length. Girth. Stamina.”
“I’m not talking to you about his girth.” I couldn’t even say the word without blushing.
“Fine. Be that way.”
I sighed, then smiled.
“Thanks for being an awesome friend, Shel.”
“Takes one to know one,” she said, winking, making me smile even wider.
Work was uneventful, but for the first time all summer I found myself irritated with the bar scene. The tips were good and it helped bridge the gap between the end of one school year and the beginning of another, but there were only so many ways you could tell drunken twentysomethings that you weren’t interested in going home with them. Also, the guys who ordered drinks with sexual titles always seemed to think that if you heard them say those words, you would magically fall into bed with them. If I never heard another man order a Sex on the Beach or a Buttery Nipple, it would be too soon.
Halfway through my shift, the bar was packed. The music was loud and the people were rude, and even though it was no different than any other night, it all just rubbed me the wrong way. Next summer I needed to consider finding something different.
A loud crash at the front door caught my attention and I turned to see what was happening, but all I saw was Randy wrestling someone out the door. I shook my head. Randy didn’t have to throw someone out every night, but it happened more often than I’d imagined it would. A woman at the end of my bar caught my attention when she waved at me, signaling she wanted to order a drink. I wiped the bar on my way down to her, and then got back to work.
An hour later, Randy appeared at my bar.
“Hey, Grace. Time for break.”
“Okay,” I said, my head tilting with my confusion. Randy was never the one to send me to break.
“Let me walk you back to the break room.”
Nodding, I followed him down the darkened hallway. When we stepped into the small break room he turned around to face me.
“Earlier I had to throw a guy out of the bar.”
“Yeah, I saw that. Was he causing problems?”
“It was the guy who attacked you out back a few weeks ago.”
His words made all the hair on my arms stand up and my heart plummet to the bottom of my lungs.
“What?”
“Yeah. I saw him a few seconds after he got in, and I grabbed him like that.” He said the words with a snap of his fingers. “I don’t care if you pressed charges or not, he’s not allowed in this bar. But I wanted to let you know he came back. I can’t be sure he would have bothered you, but I wasn’t willing to take the chance.”
“Thanks, Randy. I appreciate it.” My stomach was rolling and I was suddenly queasy.
“Did you end up filing a restraining order?”
I shook my head. “I guess I figured I didn’t need to.”
“Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea.”
“Yeah. I think you might be right.”
“You okay to stay and finish your shift? You can leave if you need to.”
“No, I’m all right. I just need a few minutes.”
Randy nodded. “You let me know if you need anything, and I’m walking you out to your car tonight after shift.”
“You always walk me to my car after shift.”
“Damn straight,” he said, giving me a friendly wink.
“Thank you.”
“Anytime, darlin’.”
By the time my shift was over, I was exhausted and just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. But I knew I wanted to curl up and fall asleep with Devon’s arms around me, so I mustered up the courage to drive to his house, even though I knew we’d have to talk about everything roaming around in my head.
As usual, Devon’s door was unlocked so I let myself in quietly, locking it behind me. He always left the light over the stove on for me, but it was still a dark walk back to his bedroom. On the way, I peeked into Jax’s room, noting the nightlight was still on, which was good because if he woke up in the middle of the night and it was off, he’d panic. When I passed Ruby’s door I opened it just a crack and watched her for a moment, looking for the silent rise and fall of her chest.
Convinced both the kids were good for the night, I made my way to the end of the hall where Devon’s door was. When I pushed it open a wave of humidity rolled over me and I saw him sitting on the edge of his bed.
“Kids good?” he asked with a smile.
“Yeah.” I returned his smile then placed my purse on the chair by the window. “Why is it so steamy in here?”
“I drew you a bath.”
“You drew me a bath?” I asked, laughing at his choice of words.
“Yeah. It won’t sound so funny when you’re soaking in the hot water with a glass of wine.”
“You’re right. That doesn’t sound funny. It sounds wonderful.” I stepped up to him and smiled as his hands seemed to naturally move to the backs of my thighs, pulling me closer. “Are there bubbles?”
“Do you need bubbles?” His hands ran up my legs, fingers sliding under the edge of my skirt, flirting with the lace of my panties.
; “Hmmm. Maybe not, but only if you join me.” His hands fell from my legs, which I was upset about at first, but he stood, pulling his shirt over his head, and I was too caught up in watching him undress to worry about much else.
We both took our clothes off, eyeing the other, then he led me to the bathroom where the deep, jetted tub was full, steam still coming off the water. And sure enough, in the back corner sat a glass of white wine, condensation forming on the outside of the glass.
Silently, he stepped into the tub, scooting his body back, leaving enough room for me to climb in front of him. Once we were both settled, my back against his front, one of his arms wrapped around the front of my shoulders, his other hand holding mine, only then could I feel myself start to really relax. A few quiet moments passed. I used my free hand to push the hot water up to my neck, loving the feeling of the water lapping against me.
“Tell me what’s bothering you,” he whispered against my ear.
Taking a deep breath, I prepared to say the words I knew would upset him. “The guy who attacked me at the bar showed up again tonight.” I felt him tense beneath me. His whole body contracted, hard like stone. “Randy spotted him before he really got in and kicked him out, but I can’t understand why he’d come back.”
“We’re going to the police station and filing a restraining order tomorrow.” I nodded, in complete agreement. “And you’re not working at a bar next summer. I don’t care what it takes, you’re not walking into a place where drunken idiots can get their hands on you all night.”
I ran my hand up his arm, trying to calm him. I was upset at first when Randy first told me what had happened, but I’d had a few hours to calm down. Devon was in the middle of the adrenaline rush, at the apex of the rage. I knew he wasn’t angry at me, but at the situation, and I just wanted to soothe him.
“I was thinking about that earlier today, even before he showed up. There are other ways I can make money in the summertime. I can tutor or even just get a normal waitressing job in a nice restaurant. No more bars. I only have two weeks left anyway. Summer’s almost over.”
“No more bars,” he practically growled. The words sounded more possessive than predatory, and even though it was slightly inappropriate considering the circumstances, I couldn’t help the fact that his voice did things to my body. “Tomorrow we go to the police station. My mom can watch the kids.”
“Okay,” I said, my voice breathy and soft.
He was quiet for a few minutes and as they ticked by his body slowly relaxed beneath me. I kept running my hand over his arm, splashing warm water on our bodies, just enjoying the way it felt to be held by him.
“You’ve been off for a few days, Grace. This isn’t just about what happened tonight. I can feel it. I know something else is bothering you. I just wish you’d tell me.” He paused for a moment, then gave my hand a squeeze before he spoke again. “Are you still worried about the photos?”
I tried not to react to his words. His breath against my skin made goose bumps break out, but the reason behind his words made me tense as I remembered the conversation I’d had with Shelby and all the things I still had to tell him. “I don’t know. Sort of. I think the photos just made me start thinking, and that was a bad idea in general.”
“What do you mean?”
“Before I unload on you, I just kind of want some sort of reassurance that you won’t think less of me afterward. I feel like a shitty person already, so just promise me you won’t hold it against me.”
“Babe, as long as what you’re saying is how you really feel, I’ll never think less of you. I might not always agree, but I’ll never look down on you for how you feel about something.” After he said the words, he pressed his lips against my neck and I cherished the connection, fearing it would be gone soon and I’d never have it again.
I took a deep breath and hoped this wasn’t the last conversation we’d have as a couple. I knew I had to talk to him about it, to let him either make me feel better or confirm my fears. Either way, it wasn’t fair to him to keep the thoughts to myself any longer. “You know you don’t have to worry about Jeff, right?”
“What do you mean?” Confusion laced his voice.
“I mean, if Jeff showed up on my doorstep next week, I’d tell him to go to hell. I’d slam the door in his face. He’d have no shot. You believe me, right?”
“Yeah,” he replied, still confused.
“Why do you believe me?” I asked, hoping to prove a point.
He didn’t answer right away, but eventually said, “Because you’re with me now.” My lungs snagged on a breath.
Damn.
When I didn’t respond immediately, his arm around my shoulders squeezed. “Talk to me.”
“You didn’t have a nasty divorce from your wife. You didn’t have a falling out, or even a fight. When your relationship ended, you were still in love with her.” He didn’t even miss a beat before he responded.
“Yeah.” The one word was light and easy. There was nothing to deny, so he didn’t even pretend.
“It’s hard for me because I feel as though I might never measure up.” Once the words fell out of my mouth I was both exhausted and relieved. Simultaneously. I’d never had a sentence take so much weight off my shoulders, and the tired feeling that came over me only emphasized how deeply I had been holding that truth in, how far down I’d had to dig to find it.
The quick and easy response he’d had just a moment ago did not come as easily that time. He was quiet for too long, making me nervous. When he finally did speak, it was soft words.
“I’m not going to lie and tell you that being with someone other than my wife was easy at first. That’s why I hadn’t dated anyone since she passed. It was a struggle for me, at first. Dealing with being attracted to someone else. It felt foreign and wrong. But running into you at Jaxy’s school, feeling that connection, that was the first time I’d felt anything close to what I felt for Olivia.”
It was hard listening to him speak; trying to make me feel better but not really saying anything to put my mind at ease. I wasn’t sure if there was anything he could tell me that would make it easier, but he hadn’t yet. I felt the distinct pinch in the back of my throat that told me tears were coming, and I didn’t want to cry in his tub with his arms around me. If I was going to cry, I wanted to do it at my own apartment, in my own bed, where I could sob all I wanted without worrying about ugly crying in front of him.
“Do you understand me, Grace? A part of me died right along with Olivia, and I was almost certain it would be dead forever. But then I saw you and something inside me sparked alive again.”
Oh, God.
“I’m not the same man I was with her. The man in love with you right now, the man whose arms are around you, he’s not the same man who loved her. She’s gone and he’ll never be back. But I’m here, with you, right now.”
My lip stung as I bit down on it, trying to keep in the sobs. The hurt in his voice cut right through me like a knife. The arm that had been wrapped around me moved, and his hand pulled my face up to look at him. His gaze pierced mine and his breath panted across my face.
“I’ll admit, I hadn’t given much thought to how difficult it might be to date me, how hard it would be to be the woman to follow Olivia, but you have to know that’s not how it works. I’m not comparing anyone to anything. Does that make sense?” He was definitely asking me a question, but I didn’t know the answer. It didn’t make sense; I didn’t understand. And I’m not sure I was meant to. “I’m not thinking about how she’s gone, I’m thinking about how you’re here.”
“Devon” was all I could manage before his mouth was on mine. He kissed me with desperation, as though he was trying to persuade me with his mouth how much I meant to him, and I felt it, all the way down to my bones.
“Please don’t question what I feel for you,” he said against my lips between kisses. “I love you, Grace. I love what I see in our future. Death ends things in a way that is both final and also
unfinished. My love for her never died, per se, but it changed after she was gone. But I love you now, and I want to love you forever. I don’t want you thinking that you’re not enough, because you’re everything.”
I had no words, so I just kissed him back. I twisted my body so that I was no longer lying back on him, but so that my chest was pressed against his, and he didn’t miss a beat. His hands moved down my body, gliding easily over my skin, making water slosh against the side of the tub. One of his hands went down over my backside and the other came up, palming my breast.
My lips abandoned his to release a moan as his hands found every part of me.
I’d given him my words, and he’d given me his own.
We spent the next few hours using our bodies to communicate what we couldn’t say with words.
Chapter Eighteen
Grace
The next two weeks passed without incident. We filed the restraining order and there were no more incidents at the bar. Summer vacation was coming to an end, and the kids were gearing up for their trip to California with Evie and Nate.
Things between Devon and I had improved, and even though I still struggled sometimes with insecurity, I knew it would only take time to overcome. Devon did nothing to make me feel unwanted; quite the opposite in fact.
Ever since our night in the tub, and the hours after in his bed, he’d done nothing but make me feel as though his relationship with me was at the top of his priority list. Besides his children, he was solely focused on me and making sure I was comfortable and happy.
I was. Blissfully so. And I worked hard to return the favor. I was at his house most nights, although I was still sneaking out before the kids woke up. There was a distinct joy that came with settling into a routine with him, Jax, and Ruby. I no longer felt as though I was visiting when I was at their house, but that there was a place carved out for me.
The Presence of Grace (Love and Loss #2) Page 16
