by Sara Marion
He went over and sat by her. He pulled her in and she didn’t push him away. She leaned into him. Jack rubbed her back. He knew to keep his mouth shut right now. This conversation did not turn out like he wanted and now she probably didn’t want anything to do with him now. He just caused her more pain.
Soon, her sobs stopped. Just silent tears fell and her breathing started to even out. She stared at the door as if she were expecting something to happen. Jack knew he needed to get her in her room. She was exhausted and now she has checked out like she did all those months ago. He recognized that look on her face. It was the same one she had when she lost Ella. He stood and she just sat there, staring at the door. He leaned over and picked her up into his arms. Paxton didn’t protest, she didn’t hold on, she just had a blank stare on her face. Jack started climbing the stairs and headed for the bedroom.
When he opened the door, he gasped as he saw the changes she made. She wiped away everything they built in here. He knew there was no trace of him in this room any longer. She made it her own. There were no pictures of them anywhere. The bed made him think of a sexual fantasy the way she put it together. His shook his head trying to dispel the images of her laying on it.
He shifted her slightly as he reached the bed. He held onto her as he pulled the covers down. He laid her down gently and covered her up. She stared at the wall that led to the bathroom. Jack kneeled next to the bed facing her. He stroked her hair and saw a tear fall.
“I’m sorry,” he said placing a kiss on her head as he stood up again. “I never meant to bring you anymore pain. I love you and I will wait for you to come to me this time. I’ll be thinking of you ever moment until you reach out to me, if you ever do. No more calls, texts or dropping by, I’ll give you the space you want.” Jack felt tears stinging his own eyes.
He walked out of the room. He shut the door then leaned his back against it. He let the tears fall, he didn’t care that men weren’t supposed to cry. He knew that Paxton would probably never come back to him. He knew this was probably the last time he would see her. His heart was broken. He stared at the door that was closed on his right. He lifted off of it and went to open that door.
Jack walked into the nursery. She hadn’t changed it. He couldn’t wrap his mind around it. He thought maybe this would be the first room she redecorated. He couldn’t figure out why she would keep it as a nursery. Jack looked over his shoulder, he let his mind wander to the one thing he couldn’t handle. What if she found out she was pregnant? Who was the father? Is that why she kept this room? Jack shook his head trying to erase those thoughts. She couldn’t be pregnant, she was out drinking and partying. Surely she wouldn’t do that if she was pregnant, would she? He looked around the room again.
Jack remembered building the room. Paxton was away at a conference that week. He went to Topeka to get most of the furniture from baby boutiques. He remembered how ready he was to have a baby. Paxton was nervous because she didn’t want to stop being a surgeon but she didn’t want her child to feel like their mother worked too much and was never there. Jack remembered the look on Paxton’s face when he took off the blindfold and she saw the nursery. He didn’t want to pressure her but he told her that when they were ready, this room would be here waiting. Whatever she decided with her career, he would make sure that their child never thought that she was a bad mother.
That weekend was the best in his life. She didn’t agree to start trying but he caught her several times staring in the room or sitting in the rocking chair. Now looking at the nursery Jack knew that they would never to get that place again. Too much has happened between them. He turned to leave the room and saw Paxton standing in the doorway. He froze.
Paxton stared at him. Jack felt almost uncomfortable. “What are you doing in here?” Her voice broke the silence in the room.
“I was just, never mind. I’m leaving,” he said starting towards her. She stepped in.
“I was in here too, after you left…again.” He stopped and faced her.
Paxton’s arms were wrapped around her. She sounded defeated and he knew it was because of him, again. He didn’t say anything.
“Would we be here if I was a good wife? You think we would have been pregnant or almost coming home with a baby?” She didn’t look at him. She stared towards the crib. Jack closed his eyes. He didn’t want to think about where they would be if things didn’t go wrong between them. “Maybe we would even be trying.” Her voice cracked.
Jack couldn’t help it. He went and wrapped his arms around her. She leaned back into him. “I screwed this up Tiger.” He felt her take a sharp breath in. “If it weren’t for me, we wouldn’t be here right now, miserable and broken.”
“No, it was because of me. Because I didn’t deal with it well. I’m to blame so much more than you, but I can’t go back Jack. I just can’t.”
Jack stilled. Those were not the words he wanted to hear. He let her go and left the room. “Jack! Wait, Jack!” He heard her voice as he flew down the stairs.
He reached for the door knob when it turned itself. Duke walked in.
“What the fuck are you doing here?!” Duke demanded when his eyes lifted and saw Jack standing there.
Duke looked up at Paxton who was halfway down the stairs, her face tear-stained. “What did you do to her?” He shoved Jack back.
Jack didn’t defend himself. He took a step back. “I was just leaving.”
He tried to walk past Duke. He felt Duke’s hand stop him and shove him back again. “Like hell! You were going to leave her broken again? Look at her Jack!”
Jack turned and saw Paxton standing at the bottom of the stairs. She looked frightened in the moment.
“Duke stop! He didn’t do anything. We just talked.”
“And you were crying. What did he say this time?” He walked around Jack and went to her.
“I’m fine.” She pushed his hands away as Duke tried to reach out to her.
“In fact if it weren’t for Jack, I wouldn’t know that you just think of this as a game. You sent him a picture of me, you bastard. Did you just want in my pants to flaunt it in front of Jack? What about Ella? Was she the one you were picturing last night?!”
She was getting irate. Jack didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to leave them to alone.
“What? No, it’s not a game to me. Last night was wonderful and I thought you felt the same.”
“Is that why you almost said Ella when you came inside of me? Didn’t think I caught that? I didn’t care last night because I was drunk and horny. I got my release and I woke up almost clear headed this morning. Thinking about me, not you, Ella, Jack or my many mistakes. Hell, I even thought I had feelings for you, but now...” She paused trying to find the word.
“I think I better go before you say something you regret,” Duke said. He turned not waiting for her. He slammed the door behind him. Jack watched. He was frozen in his place.
“Are you okay?” Jack asked, unsure of what to do.
“I think you should leave too. I need to think about things but first, tell me why you went into the nursery.” Her face was stone. The anger and hurt remained on it. Jack wasn’t sure how to respond, so he decided to tell her the truth.
“I saw the changes in the room. You wiped me away. I wanted to know if you wiped away what I thought was going to be our future as well. I was curious. When I saw it was still there, I was flooded with the memory of putting it together and how I wanted you to be my children’s mother. I still do Paxton, with every ounce of my being, despite what has happened over the last year, I still love you. It’s irrational to some and they can’t understand but you, you have my heart still. I don’t want it back but it’s yours. When I received those divorce papers, I lost it. I can’t imagine my life without you. Looking at you now, I have royally fucked up again. I shouldn’t have come. I don’t know what I was thinking. I will always love you, there is no one else for me. I will leave you alone now. I don’t want to hurt you anymore, so until
you reach out to me, you won’t hear from me.” He walked over and kissed her.
She didn’t respond, she stilled under his touch. He broke the kiss and looked at her. He wanted to memorize her face. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and turned, walking out the door this time. Paxton didn’t try to stop him this time.
Jack arrived at the hotel. He sat in the car for a few moments. He was regretting walking out on Paxton again but then again, she didn’t call out to him. She didn’t try to stop him. He needed a drink. His leg was throbbing. He hadn’t worn his boot all day so he could drive. Probably not the best idea but he needed to see Paxton. He needed to talk to her.
He sighed walking into his room. He felt confined in here. The large room suddenly shrank. The world around him was too much. Was this what Paxton felt like every time she went out the few months before he left her? He shook his head at this thought. Jack wanted to believe he would have saw what she was doing. He would have been there but he wanted to give her space to grieve for the loss of her friend. He heard a knock at the door. His hopes lifted a little bit. Maybe Paxton followed him. He opened the door to find Kenleigh though. His heart sank again.
“Hey,” he said quietly as he let her in.
“Let’s go,” she said firmly. “Pull it together Jackster. Now is not the time to fall apart.”
“What are you doing Kitten?” Jack wasn’t in the mood. He wanted to wallow in his hotel room alone.
“I’m not going to let you sit here and do nothing. We are going to go out, get you drunk, let you forget tonight, then tomorrow we will draw up a new plan,” she said.
Jack finally took a real good look at her. She had on a short red dress. She wore flat shoes. Jack knew she didn’t do well with heels when there was a lot of walking. She wanted them for pictures and occasions when she wouldn’t be on her feet on night.
“What if I just want to sit here?”
“Then I will sit here with you but you need to go out and get drunk, forget tonight. I will make sure you don’t make a fool of yourself.” She put her hands on her hips. “Plus maybe I want to find me a good ol’ Kansas boy,” she winked at him. Jack found himself giving her a half smile.
Jack sighed knowing that he couldn’t win this fight either. He stared at her a few more minutes and she tapped her foot waiting for him to agree with her.
“Fine. Give me a second.”
Kenleigh squealed and she burst into the room. Jack knew he was in for one hell of night.
SIXTEEN
Paxton woke up in the morning not wanting to move. She wasn’t sure if the last part of her night was a dream or not. She wiggled a little, finding out she was alone in her bed. She was numb. She laid there for a few moments without moving just staring at the wall. She heard no movement in the house, not that she should since she is the only that lives here.
She eventually got up and walked over to the bathroom. She looked in the mirror and her face was still tear-streaked. Jack really did show up last night. She remembered him telling her that he loved her. He flew in to see her. She was shell-shocked. Then he mentioned the pictures. Why? She couldn’t remember how those came up. Duke and Jonathan sent them to him. She never saw them but she wondered now what the pictures entailed. Jack said he saw one of Duke and her dancing. It must be the one that Jonathan sent him. Depending on when he snapped it the picture could be bad.
She remembered her hands over Duke’s steel stomach, toying with the hemline. That led to them ending up in bed. She remembered Duke showing up last night as well and they got into it. She let that argument sink in. Paxton wanted to know what was going to happen between them. Even though he caught himself about to say Ella and she was in her own heavenly world after her release, what did that mean? Did he even know he was screwing his wife’s best friend? Ex-best friend. Paxton rolled her eyes as her conscience always joined her thoughts at the perfect moments. Paxton turned on the shower. She needed to get ready. She had an appointment with Dr. Keeler. Maybe she could help figure out what is going on in her head.
Paxton was a few minutes early to her appointment. Dr. Keeler let her come back anyways. She was just finishing up an email at her desk. Paxton’s eyes started watering. She was not sure where to begin today. She wanted to talk about what happened with Duke. How Jack was back in town or was, she wasn’t sure if he was still here or not. She wanted to figure out what she needed to do now. She was lost and afraid of slipping back into her old ways. Partying, sleeping around, and numbing herself.
“Sorry about that,” Dr. Keeler said as she sat down. Paxton waited for her to situate herself. Dr. Keeler looked at her and concern came across her face. “What’s going on? What’s upset you?”
“I don’t know where to begin. So much has happened in the last couple of days.” The tears fell.
“Take a moment. Collect yourself. When you are ready, tell me what happened.” Dr. Keeler handed her a tissue and leaned back in her chair.
Paxton was grateful she had an objective view on this. She took a few deep breaths, wiped her eyes and looked up towards Dr. Keeler. She wasn’t rushing, just patiently waiting for her to start talking.
“Two nights ago, I slept with Duke,” Paxton blurted out.
“Duke, as in the one that was married to Ella?” Paxton nodded. “I see. What brought this about?”
Paxton told her about how she went out that night. She left nothing out. She knew if she truly wanted to get help from Dr. Keeler she couldn’t lie to her. Dr. Keeler didn’t give any looks of judgment but Paxton saw her take a couple notes.
“So are you regretting it? Is that what you are upset about today?”
“Part of it, yes. Last night, Jack showed up at our house, my house,” Paxton corrected herself. Jack no longer lived there. Dr. Keeler nodded and waiting for her to continue.
“He showed up unexpected and at first I didn’t want him there so I was short with him. I wanted him to leave but then he told me how Jonathan and Duke sent pictures to him about what he was missing out on, I guess you could say. I was angry and hurt. All three of them right now, I just don’t understand what they are trying to accomplish. I broke down and Jack took care of me,” Paxton paused.
“You let him take care of you then?”
“Yes, but I felt numb. I felt myself retracting into my own little world again. I checked out. He took me to my bed and made sure I was comfortable. He apologized, again. He said he was leaving and wouldn’t have any contact with me unless I initiated it. He left my view then. I heard him close the door and lean against it. That’s when I knew he meant it. I heard him lift off the door. I needed to go after him. I needed him to explain more to me. When I cracked the door open, I froze because the nursery light was on. He was in there. I quietly walked over there. He was standing in the middle of the room with his shoulders slumped over. It broke my heart and as much as I hated to admit it, I still love. He turned to leave and found me there in the doorway. The next thing I knew I was chasing him down the stairs.” Paxton paused as she replayed the nursery scene. She couldn’t shake the memories. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She saw Dr. Keeler sitting there waiting for more.
“Duke showed up when I was coming down the stairs. He thought Jack came back to hurt me again.” Paxton scoffed.
“They started to get into a pissing contest when I broke in and told Duke to back off. He told me that he was just making sure I was okay and he figured Jack did something to me as I had tears running down my face. I lost it and Duke and I got into it. When I brought up Ella, it was over. He left me standing there before I said something I regretted to him. It was probably a good thing because I would have. In that moment he left me just like Jack did.”
“And Jack was still there?”
“Yes, he asked if I was okay. I knew I wasn’t but I needed him to leave to. I didn’t need him trying to influence me or my feelings. I asked him a final time about the nursery. He told me that he wanted me to be his children’s mother and th
at I held his heart and he didn’t want it back. He kissed me and left but this time it was different. I saw the regret in his eyes, not the anger.”
Paxton looked over at Dr. Keeler waiting for her to say something. Waiting for her input but she just stared down at her pad at whatever she written. Paxton looked over at her shoulder and realized she had been talking for fifteen minutes. Today’s session was an hour and a half.
“So are you trying to figure out how you should feel right now?”
“I guess. I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do. I just want my best friend right now.” Paxton twisted her hands together.
She knew it was time to talk to her about Ella, about what happened. Then maybe they could figure out where she should go from here.
“Where is she Paxton? Why did she leave you?” Dr. Keeler was pressing her.
Paxton closed her eyes. She took a deep breath and let the memories she tried locking up take over.
***
February 2011
Paxton just got out of a surgery where she had to pull a knife out of a teenager’s chest. He was brought in because he got in to a fight with another teenage boy. She was heading out the door when the trauma came in. She called Jack to let her know she was going to be late for dinner when she found out she was the only available surgeon. She checked the clock, only twenty minutes late right now. By the time she got to the house, she would be about an hour late. She smiled thinking she made good time with the surgery. The boy would be fine but he’d have a slight scar.
Paxton was walking down the hall when her pager went off. It was an all hands on deck alert. She threw her head back not wanting to go back in the O.R. She just wanted to go have dinner with Jack, Ella and Duke. They had been planning this weekend for so long. After dinner they were going to have a casino night in Kansas City. Duke and Ella should be getting close to Manhattan right about now. Paxton was jealous that they were coming back from a week in Texas visiting some of their old high school buddies. She wanted to go badly but she was needed here because a couple other surgeons were taking their own vacations.
