by Sara Marion
“Good. You are far too young to feel like you were. I know Ella would never think you didn’t give your all when she was on your table.”
“Yeah.” Paxton looked over at the pan that held the dinner she made. “Are you ready to eat?”
“Let’s do it.”
Over dinner they discussed Ryan’s idea of the gallery. He had been looking at several properties but none of them really fit what he had envisioned. Paxton threw around the idea of him just building what he wanted but he said he didn’t want to make that kind of investment. He didn’t have enough means to do it but he would love to one day. Paxton noticed his desire to find the perfect place that Ella would approve of. They brainstormed over several areas in town but Paxton knew that Ella would shoot down every building that Ryan could afford.
“I have an idea,” Paxton said lighting up.
“What would that be?”
“Let me build the place. I know Ella would love to have it downtown. I can fund it.”
“No, that would be too much. I couldn’t ask you to do that.” Ryan turned her down flat but Paxton wanted to do this. In fact, Paxton felt like she needed to do this.
“Please, I need to do this. I want to do this. I’ve been angry and hurt for so long, I need something to focus on and I think this would be perfect.” Paxton watched him. Ryan looked at her with a furrowed look.
“It will be my gift to you Ryan. Ella’s work deserves to be displayed somewhere,” she continued pleading with her eyes.
“I’ll accept on one condition, it’s a loan and I pay you back with interest.”
“No deal. It’s a gift.”
“No. I cannot accept it.”
“Why not?”
“It’s too much money.”
Paxton stared at him. He was turning down his dream for Ella’s work because she didn’t want the money back. She saw Ryan continue the staring contest that now ensued.
“You become my partner. That’s the only way I will accept it. You will own fifty-one percent as you are fronting a lot of money.”
“I’ll own forty-nine percent. This is your baby.”
Ryan sighed. Paxton felt a victory coming on.
“Fine, but we are signing paperwork,” he said giving in.
“Deal!” Paxton smiled. She already had plans of what she wanted the gallery to look like but first they had to find an area where they could build.
Once they finished eating, Ryan insisted he was on clean up duty. Paxton was hesitant but he told her to start looking through the pictures. She gave in only because she had been waiting for the table to clear so they could spread them out.
She started with the pictures that were blown up. Ella must have done these because they seemed edited. There were a few black and white ones, some in a sepia tone and others she just printed. She had landscapes, sunsets, pictures of her close up, and some of the boys. Paxton studied each picture. Each one she could almost place a memory for. She smiled and studied the pictures. There were even a few self-portraits.
She started looking at the smaller pictures. She had them in 20 x 24 sizes. Those were in boxes. Some she had printed on canvas. Paxton lingered on these a little longer. These were moments Ella captured between her and Jack. She briefly thought back to what Dr. Keeler asked her. She studied each picture, Jack’s face. Her heart fluttered with some of the memories they were invoking within her. She stared at one picture from a day in the park. It was of her and Jack holding hands walking off. The sun was setting and she didn’t even know that Ella took this picture. Paxton saw herself looking up at Jack. The girl in the picture looked happy and head over heels in love with the man holding her hand. Jack was looking down at her and she could see his half smirk. Ella captured the perfect moment of them loving each other. Paxton felt her heart ache because she didn’t know if she could ever be that happy again, with or without Jack.
“It’s a great picture of you two,” Ryan said startling Paxton. She smiled and nodded her head.
“Ella was always great with a camera, even better with a brush.” Paxton set the picture down.
She picked up the next one and it was a shot of Ella and Duke. She must have set a timer or used her remote for the camera. They were sitting in the grass and it captured Duke and Ella smiling directly at it. She looked at the others and they were various ones of Duke and herself. It seemed as though Ella captured perfect moments with them. There was one of Paxton scouring over medical books on her bed, one of Duke looking lovingly at the camera, no doubt at Ella. Some of Duke when he probably didn’t know she was there. There were some of Jenny. Paxton felt guilty for not talking to her mother lately. Ever since she stopped house sitting she hadn’t been back over or talked to her. Her mother hadn’t even called her. She brushed those thoughts away. She would deal with her mother later.
“I don’t know how to narrow down the pictures for a gallery. There are tons more at the house.” Ryan broke into her thoughts. He hadn’t said much since he got back to the table.
“They are all wonderful. We should find a place soon and get to work. While they are building we will have plenty of time to pick out pictures and a theme.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
They spent the rest of the night talking about pictures and memories. In one of the boxes of smaller 4 x 6 pictures. Ryan found a lot of him and Ella as they got to know each other again after her parent’s deaths. More of when they took vacations together. They shared the good memories they had and laughed all night long.
It was nearing ten o’clock and Ryan decided it was time for him to go. Paxton helped him out with the pictures. He said he would get some contract in place for their partnership and be in touch. Paxton felt better after he left. She noticed that he had a similar light as Ella did. He just knew how to brighten up anyone’s mood, just like Ella did. She wondered if it was a family trait.
Paxton went up and noticed she had a couple missed texts. One from Jack and one from Duke. She didn’t want them to ruin what she started today. She texted them both back asking for space she so desperately needed. She couldn’t string either of them along. She wasn’t that cruel and she needed to figure out what her heart needed. She couldn’t lose herself again. She didn’t hear anything back from them. She hoped they understood what she needed. She fell asleep with ease for the first time in a long time.
Paxton awoke the next morning in a good mood. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt this rested. She went downstairs and made herself a cup of breakfast tea. She decided she wanted to enjoy it outside on the porch. When she opened the door there was a package for her. She picked it up and it was unmarked. Someone had dropped it off.
She took it in the kitchen to open it up. It was a large box but fairly thin. She cut the thick string that kept it close. She flipped it over and opened the box. It was wrapped in a thin layer of foam. She took out the canvas and turned it around. It was a picture of her and Ella. On the back of the frame was a note taped to the wood part of the frame.
Paxton,
Thought you might like to keep this picture. It’s a great shot of you girls. I saw this in a pile when I got home and decided you should have it.
-Ryan
Paxton looked back at the picture. It was the last one that they had taken together. It was a couple weeks before the accident. Duke had actually taken the picture but it was them in matching bikinis. They were at a hotel that had a spa. She studied the picture and saw the tattoos side by side. She remembered back to the day they got them. Ella had just turned nineteen and she wanted to get a tattoo. She didn’t want to go by herself and dragged Paxton along.
When they walked into the tattoo shop, Ella went to the wall to see most of the designs they had. Within two minutes she found the hanging moon and stars. It would be their best friend charm. Paxton always told Ella she shines like the light at the end of the tunnel. People gravitated to her, like the tide to the moon. She said the moon wouldn’t look as good without the stars. Ella
insisted it was fate for them to get this tattoo so Paxton eventually caved and agreed to get the tattoo with her. Ella got the hanging moon and Paxton had three hanging stars. When their hips pressed against each other, Ella said the sky was complete.
Paxton stared at the picture. Tears in her eyes but this time they were because she was remembering happy times and she missed them. She put the picture on the table and grabbed her phone out of her pocket. She called Ryan and thanked him for the picture. They had agreed to meet later in the day to go driving around to look for a place for the gallery. Paxton went out to the porch to enjoy her tea and remember more of the good times.
The rest of the weekend was a blur. Ryan came over as he said he would. They drove around looking for places they could build. They didn’t have any luck on agreeing with anything the other found but they kept on looking. They took a break and went out to dinner. Paxton invited her mother since they were going out but she declined. She said she was going out to dinner with a couple old sorority girls. Paxton’s heart dropped a little but she knew once a month she got together with them. Her mom promised next time. Paxton realized how much she had to work on things with her mother.
Ryan took her back to the house where he talked her into going to church with him next week. He said there were some people asking about her this morning when he went in to drop some stuff off. Paxton reluctantly agreed knowing that she was still not sure she was ready to believe again, if ever. She still couldn’t understand why Ella had to be taken. She couldn’t figure out why her life had to turn upside down and he didn’t even answer her questions of why. Ryan told her it may help her figure things out. She doubted it but she figured she go just to make him happy.
TWENTY-TWO
Paxton woke up and dreaded what she was about to do. She did not want to go to church. She had not gone in over a year and nothing changed since she last stepped foot in one. She was doing this more for Ryan. He had been such a big help without even knowing it that she figured she could do this one thing for him even though she still angry with God. She just didn’t understand what His plan was.
She felt weird dressing up again but she kept it conservative. She work a pair of black slacks and a plain white top. She dressed it up with earrings and a necklace. She slipped on a pair of simple black heels. Her hair she curled slightly. When she was done it was wavier more than it was curled. She slipped a small black headband in her hair.
Ryan showed up at her door. She was nervous about going. She didn’t know what people would say to her or how she would react. Most of all she didn’t know how she would handle the church service itself. She didn’t know if she could handle sitting there for an hour or so listening to someone preach about the good things God has done for them, the blessings and miracles people see, or the part where they said that God never leaves you, He will be there for you in your darkest times. Paxton shook her head. She knew she needed to try. It would help her in the long run but she knew today would be her first challenge of her letting things go.
They arrived at church and Paxton was hesitant on getting out of the car. Ryan coaxed her out stating that she would never have to come back again if she didn’t want to. He just thought this would be good for her. He led her to the church doors, his hand in the small of her back. It was keeping her from running the other way. The last time she set foot into this church was when she was here for Ella’s funeral. Some people she recognized stared at her. She noticed some whispering then Mrs. Hanson came into view. She was rushing over to greet her.
“Darling, it’s so good to see you.” She hugged her and Paxton was not sure what to do. She hugged back but it was awkward.
“Yes, it’s good to you see you again. How’ve you been?” Paxton answered. The manners her parents drilled into her kicked in.
“Good. I will be even better now that I have seen you. I have been so worried about you. I prayed that God would help you find your way back. We have all missed you terribly,” Mrs. Hanson said as she squeezed Paxton’s hand.
Paxton plastered on a fake smile. “Thank you. I’m taking it day by day.”
What a text book response, her conscience was back after days of being quiet. Mrs. Hanson smiled and turned to get back to her seat.
“Come, we should get seated. The reverend will be starting any moment,” Ryan said. She walked in and he led her to the front rows, next to her mother who seemed pleased to see her there.
As she climbed into the pew she noticed Duke and Jack in the crowd. Their stares pinned on her. She gave each a small smile and sat between Ryan and her mother. Her mother’s hand reached for hers and she leaned over and whispered, “I’m so glad to see you here.”
She squeezed Paxton’s hand. Paxton smiled at her. It was a small success that they were being friendly towards one another. It has been a long road for both of them over the last year. Paxton has decided the week before that it was time for her and her mother to work through things. She figured a couple sessions with Dr. Keeler would be good for them. They could air their differences.
She turned her attention to the altar as a hush settled over the crowd. The reverend came out and smiled joyously. “Good morning to everyone. What a wonderful morning that God has blessed us with.” His voice boomed out over the crowd.
Paxton looked up at Ryan who caught her from the corner of his eye. His lips curled up in a smirk. It was like he was waiting for something to happen but Paxton just shook her head. She turned her attention back up to the front. She took in the scenery. It was almost just like she remembered it, small green plants along the wall, the piano in a corner and the choir seating area behind it. It was filled with familiar faces that just smiled and watched the reverend deliver his sermon. Behind them was a large cross.
Paxton’s attention focused on it. The reverend’s voice was drowned out by her thoughts and questions. She was curious to see if God would actually pay attention to her now that she was in His house. Would He hear her questions and actually give answers? She willed answers from the cross like she was staring into the face of God. She sent up her silent questions. Why? Why did it have to happen to Ella? How could you take her? She was going places, she was going to have a baby. Why would you take them? Why did you leave me and let me lose everything? Her questions were halted by the reverend’s words.
“God never leaves you child, never. He is always there for you, even when you think He is not.” Her gaze snapped up to the reverend. His gaze swept over the crowd and his stare landed on her.
“God will test your faith always but He will never put something so challenging that you can’t get through it with His help. You can always get through it with your faith in Him. When you are weak, He will carry you. When you are sick, He will heal you. He will offer you forgiveness for all your trespasses against Him. He will love you even if you challenge Him and turn your back against Him.” His gaze left hers and back to scanning the church. The rest of his words didn’t make register, it became background noise, just blurbs of words she didn’t understand. Her focus was on what he said to her when their gazes met.
Paxton was still the rest of the sermon. She didn’t ask any more questions. She didn’t listen to anything around her. She just contemplated what she had learned over the past year. Why she was in this church when the reverend preached that particular sermon? She tried to determine what the meaning of everything was. She was no closer to figuring out why Ella and her baby were taken, or why she lost Jack and has conflicting emotions when it comes to Duke. She had even more questions than when she came in this morning and none seemed to be getting answered. The only thing she noticed was her anger was gone.
Before she knew it, everyone around her was standing up. The service was over. She wasn’t ready to believe that in one morning all her anger could disappear but it did. She felt weightless walking out of that church.
Her mother said that she wanted her to start coming around the house. They needed to talk and work things out. She told her mother
she would and promised to call her. It was like something changed in that church for her but she couldn’t place it. She felt better about Ella but her feelings for Duke and Jack still sent her heart into fifty different places.
“Hey. I was surprised to see you here,” Duke said breaking up her thoughts. She looked up and smiled. She saw Ryan speaking to a few friends behind Duke.
“Yeah, Ryan said it would be good for me to come today,” she answered, quickly trying to recover from seeing him. Her heart tended to speed up a little around Duke.
“How are you doing?”
“I’m good. I just need time. I need to get my feelings straight. I need to work on me,” she said looking down at the ground again.
“I know. I’m going to give you your space. I had four months of space to grieve. Just know when you are ready I am here no matter what. Even if that means being just friends.”
“Thanks,” she said smiling. She was glad Duke didn’t pressure her.
“I guess I should be going. I am going to have lunch with a few friends.” He turned jogging off to catch up with some of his coworkers that Paxton recognized. They all smiled at her and waved. She raised her hand acknowledging them. She turned and found Ryan waiting to take her home.
“Hope that wasn’t too unbearable.” He said as they walked to the car.
“It was okay,” Paxton said.
She was looking around. She was sure Jack would have said something to her especially if he saw Duke talking to her but he never came up. She couldn’t find him anywhere. Maybe he was giving her space after all. She looked by down for a moment as they started walking to the car.
“He’s already left, if you are looking for Jack. I saw him bolt out as soon as he could,” Ryan said filling the silence as they approached the truck. Paxton looked over at him and she knew that it was now obvious who she was looking for a moment ago.
“I know. I just thought he would say hello or something.”
