I crook my pinky and hold it out to her, and after a second, she laughs.
“Are you asking me to pinky-swear not to die with you?”
“I am,” I say somberly, lifting her hand myself and hooking our pinkies together. “You in?”
Her gorgeous blue eyes get soft and sparkly at the same time, and she says, “I’m totally in,” shaking on it and giving me a look that kind of makes me fall a little bit in love with her.
As if I’m not halfway there already.
I’ve never really gotten serious about a girl before, but Eden? She’s sexy as hell, but it’s more than that. Truth is, she inspires the shit out of me with her bucket list and how she’s taken on life wholeheartedly, just jumping in feet-first with all these things she wants to do. I love that she’s got all the soft sweetness you’d want in a girl, but that she’s down and dirty, too. And the fact that it’s all wrapped around something unbreakable inside her? Something that wouldn’t bend to Matty’s bullshit about his dad? Something that made all three of us better for it?
For real, what’s not to fall in love with?
“Thank you,” she says suddenly, leaning in to kiss me again.
“For what?”
“This. Today. Everything.”
I grin, my heart swelling with all these feelings for her until it feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest; until it’s big enough to blot out the panic I was feeling a few moments ago.
At least, until the pilot turns back to look at us—yeah, that’s how small the plane is—and says, “We’re coming up on cruising altitude.”
Then that panic takes over again with a vengeance, shoving my heart and all that sappiness I was feeling right out of the way as it tries to choke me to death.
“Oh shit,” I say, gasping for breath. “Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.”
Eden holds up her pinky, waggling it at me as a reminder of what we’d just promised… but I don’t know, I mean, sure, pinky-swears are inviolate and all, but suddenly I’m not so certain that even that can hold up against a force as big as, you know, gravity.
“All right you two,” the jump instructor says, sliding out of the copilot slot and moving into the cabin with us. “Remember everything I told you? Pulling the cord, taking your time, remembering the emergency chute if all else goes wrong?”
Wrong?
Wrong?
Wrong?
Oh hell no. Even the jump instructor is admitting that we’re about to die.
“We remember,” Eden says, smiling at him as she squeezes my hand.
Unfortunately, my hand has become a cold, clammy dead fish, just lying there without responding, and guess she notices, because she bites her lip and turns to stare hard at me.
“I’m good.”
…is what I mean to say. Instead, pretty sure I’m hyperventilating.
“You don’t have to do this, Johnny,” Eden says. “I can jump on my own.”
Not proud of it, but I’m tempted to take her up on it. But then I can’t, can I? Because she gets this sweet little smile that’s also the tiniest bit sad and drives a nail right through my heart.
“Please don’t worry about it,” she says, squeezing the dead fish again. “I’ve done most everything on The List alone. I’m used to it. It’s no big deal if I do this one on my own, too.”
“Yes, it is,” I say, manning up. “I’m jumping, Eden.”
Guess maybe I’m already past halfway when it comes to that love thing, you know? Because no way do I ever want to feel like she’s on her own when I’m right fucking here.
“You don’t have to—”
I cover her mouth with my hand, shaking my head. “Eden, you’re not alone anymore, okay? And you know Matty would be up here, too, if it weren’t for that arm of his. We’re in this together, all three of us. I don’t want to hear any more of this on your own nonsense. You’ve got us.”
She smiles at me. I can feel her lips curve against my palm and I see it in the way her eyes start to glow, and yeah, I’m still terrified of what we’re about to do, but somehow it just stops mattering, you know?
The jump instructor grins at us. “Aw, y’all are gonna be naturals, I ain’t even worried a little bit about you two. And remember, I’ll be making the jump as well, so if I see any problems, I’ll be there to help.”
“You promise?” Eden asks him, pulling my hand away from her mouth but keeping a tight hold on it.
“Cross my damn heart,” he replies. “You’ve got another couple of minutes before we start, so if either of you is going to change your mind, just remember, no shame in it. You need to be focused when you step out, got it?”
We both nod, and he moves back over to the cockpit.
I look at Eden. Even in her jump gear, goggles and all, she’s beautiful.
“I’m afraid I’ll lose everything,” I blurt out without thinking, my fear of this moment all tangled up with my fears over driving Matty away if I’m wrong about him.
“I know,” Eden says, reaching out and touching my face. “Me, too. But another way to look at it is how blessed we are to have something to lose. You know what I was never brave enough to put on my bucket list?”
“What?” I ask, curiosity overriding everything else. I’ve seen some of the stuff she’s done… and there’s more?
Her cheeks go bright pink, but then she just shakes her head. “Maybe I’ll tell you after we make it to the ground.”
“Come on now,” I say, that blush making me even more curious. “You can’t do that to me. What if we don’t?”
“Don’t what? Make it to the ground?” she says, laughing. “Pretty sure that one way or another, we will.”
“One way or another,” I repeat, shaking my head. “Now that’s just cruel.”
“No, that’s gravity.” She snickers, which is fucking adorable.
I groan.
“Sorry,” she says, looking contrite. “I don’t mean to joke about it.” She pats my hand. “We’re going to be fine. You really don’t have to—”
“Yeah, I do, Eden,” I say, cutting her off. “And if it’s a mistake, I mean, at least it’ll be the quickest mistake either of us make.”
It takes her a minute, then she smacks me, laughing. “Not funny!”
I grin. “A little bit funny.”
She sticks her tongue out at me. And damn, that’s distracting, because do I ever love what she can do with that tongue.
The jump instructor hops back into the cabin. “Moment of truth,” he says, grinning as he looks back and forth between the two of us. “What’s your final answer?”
Eden squeezes my hand so tight I figure I’ve lost the use of it forever, then gives the man a jerky little nod. “I’m in,” she says, breathless.
He looks at me, but there’s not really a question now, is there? If she’s in, I’m in, too.
He must see it on my face, because he just nods and urges us to our feet and runs through a few final reminders with us. And then he opens the door on the side of the plane.
In midair.
Like a fucking crazy person.
And even more crazy? When Eden steps out of that door a minute later, I step out right after her.
Then I scream my head off because I’m falling through the air a million feet over solid ground and hello, physics, that means I’m going to fucking die.
But then I keep falling.
And I keep not dying.
And it’s loud and cold and wonderful and strangely peaceful, and eventually my throat gets sore so I stop screaming and start looking around, and it’s fucking magnificent. I can see out far over the horizon, miles and miles of earth just spread out below me like God’s own masterpiece, and we’re so high up that the height almost doesn’t matter, you know?
It’s like time and fear have both been suspended, and I’m just… free.
Eden is below me, looking like she’s not moving at all and also like she’s spinning with joy, arms and legs spread out like a st
arfish as she floats like a jumpsuited angel above that amazing landscape, and suddenly it really hits me—
I just jumped out of a damn airplane.
And then I’m laughing uncontrollably in the air as I fall, spreading my limbs out like the instructor taught us and letting the wind slice right through me and cut out all those fears that have held me back from going for things I want. It’s not even a decision, it’s just a fact: I’m done with that shit. From now on—whether it’s only for another couple of minutes if my chute doesn’t open, or if I get another hundred years to spend with the people I love—I’m holding onto this feeling right here.
Not not being afraid… but being afraid and still doing it anyway.
17
Eden
Matt’s good arm is slung around my shoulders and I’ve got one hand resting on Johnny’s hard thigh, and there’s truly nowhere I’d rather be than right here, right now, tucked between these two on the bench seat of Johnny’s truck as we head back to the city and Johnny gushes on and on and on about our jump.
“No, buddy, you so don’t understand,” he’s saying to Matt, the excitement radiating off him in waves. “It was amazing. The most intense experience I’ve ever had, but maybe also the most peaceful one? I don’t know, man, it was just wild. Soon as Doc okays it, you’ve got to go up, too. It was like every last second of that drop was a fucking eternity, like I could see it all stretched out in front of me from start to finish, and I...”
I lean against him as he keeps going, feeling just about happy enough to burst. Skydiving was exhilarating.
Liberating.
Amazing.
Now that I’ve finally done it, I don’t know why on earth I waited so long… except that all of a sudden, I’m suddenly overcome with so much gratitude I feel like I might burst with it. Thank God I waited. If I’d crossed #14 off The List before meeting these two amazing men, it just… it just wouldn’t have been the same.
I’m not just happy I’ve finally done it, I’m happy that I did it with them.
Given how scared Johnny was, the fact that he jumped at all was incredible. And the fact that he jumped for me? I still don’t know what to do with that. It fills something up inside me that’s been empty for a long, long time.
And Matt? He insisted on coming with us today even though he had to stay on the ground, and right now, listening as Johnny’s exuberance fills the truck with a mile-a-minute recap of our jump, he’s glowing, too. He’s got this incredible smile on his face as he listens to Johnny, and it’s as clear as day to see that he’s as happy for the two of us as if he’d done it himself. Who feels that way about other people? I mean, really feels that way?
I lean over and kiss his cheek impulsively, and he grins back at me, squeezing my thigh.
Johnny looks over. “Do I get one, princess?” he teases me, one of his big hands dropping down to rest on my other leg.
“Distracted driving is dangerous,” I tease him right back, but of course I can’t resist giving him what he’s asked for.
He turns his head at the last minute so I get his lips, then winks at me and whips his eyes right back to the road, that big hand squeezing my thigh.
He goes right back to telling Matt about skydiving, but me? I’m caught up in a wave of something so sweet it almost makes me tear up. I’m thinking about what he said to me up there. Before I met these two, I have always felt alone… and I know darn well that it’s my own fault.
I’ve never been brave enough to put falling in love on my bucket list.
The thing is, I know how bad it hurts to have that hole inside you from losing someone, and I’ve always told myself that I’m not cruel enough to do that to another person. But you know what? Maybe keeping people at a distance all my life hasn’t just been because of how much I’ve moved around or about me trying to protect them from the pain of losing me, given how short I know my time here will be. Maybe—like I hinted to Johnny about just before we jumped—maybe it’s that I haven’t been brave enough to risk having that kind of hole inside me again.
I huff out a breath, earning a comforting squeeze from my boys, and I face the truth I’m dancing around. There’s no “maybe” about it. I’ve been scared to fall in love, and it’s kept me alone.
But right now? I’ve never felt less alone.
Right now, I’m practically vibrating with the joy of sharing this moment with Johnny and Matt.
Right now, I’m fearless.
A laugh bubbles up inside me, and I want to sing with it. Just take all the adrenaline and exhilaration I feel from having completed this jump, from having found these two boys who make me feel free in so many ways, from having made it through the very last of my bucket list in time—I want to take all of it and just… just… explode.
But in a good way.
I want to explode in the best way.
The trees on either side of the quiet highway are thick and full of leaves, leaning over the road and covering it with a thin canopy that almost makes it feel like the three of us are in our own little world. The sunlight filters down, sprinkling the road ahead with golden patches that look like magic, and all of a sudden I can’t stand to be stuck in this truck after falling through the endless sky, not with all the beauty out there and this bubbling excitement inside me, needing to come out.
I need to do something.
And I need to do it with Johnny and Matt.
And I need to do it now.
“We should celebrate,” I say, instantly earning me matching looks from my boys. Wicked, naughty, dirty looks that make my whole body flush with delicious heat.
Yes, I know darn well what that word is making them think of after our “celebration” the night Matt’s father came to dinner, and yes, that’s exactly how I meant it.
“I’m always down to celebrate with you, beautiful,” Matt says to me, twining his fingers through mine and lifting my hand up to press a hot kiss against my palm.
A shiver of anticipation shoots through me, and he grins, moving my hand over his lap until I feel something that proves he means it. He’s hard and getting harder, and oh Lord, yes.
This is what I need.
This is exactly how I want to celebrate and let loose with all the bubbling emotions inside me that I’m so close to feeling brave enough to claim.
To name.
I rock my hand against Matt’s erection and he spreads his legs wider apart with a happy groan, pushing himself up against my palm, and just like that, I’m wet.
“I want this,” I say, closing my hand around the shape of him. “And I… I don’t want to wait.”
Look at me, so bold. So brave. Wanton and shameless and taking what I want.
I jump out of airplanes.
I definitely deserve a reward.
“Christ, you’re sexy when you’re like this, Eden,” Matt whispers, pulling me against him while I continue to stroke him through his shorts. He slips his good hand up under my tank top to squeeze my breast, starting to breathe a little harder, and says, “Maybe we need to take you skydiving every day, yeah?”
“Hey now,” Johnny says, grinning as he cuts a glance at us before looking back at the road. “What were we just saying about distracted driving? Because you two are definitely distracting me with all that.”
I reach over and find him getting hard, too, and it’s a heady feeling to know that I do this to these two.
Even headier to realize that all I need to do is let them know what I need.
Because when I do? They always—always—give it to me.
“What if I want to distract you, Johnny?” I ask, my hands still on both of them. And ohhhhhhhhhhh what it does to me, the feel of both of them straining against my palms. It’s heating me up from the inside out. “Maybe… maybe you should pull over?”
“You’re killing me, princess,” he says, pressing it against his cock. “There’s nothing out here, and still forty minutes to home.”
Matt laughs, then leans across me to plu
ck my hand off Johnny’s cock.
“Safety first,” he says, a deliciously dirty glint in his eye. “And you know we’re not going to make it forty minutes if Eden doesn’t want to wait. Pull over like she said, buddy. Our girl wants to celebrate, and she deserves it, yeah?”
I can feel how much Johnny’s into the idea—the evidence was just in my hand—and he doesn’t even pretend to argue.
We’re driving past a lake, and the trees that border it thin out up ahead. It’s not an actual access road, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s perfect.
“Right there,” I say, pointing to the spot. “Please, Johnny?”
“Anything,” he promises, doing it.
The truck crunches over a few branches and then comes to a stop. Johnny’s pulled us deep into the trees, and he’s right, there’s nothing here at all. Of course, right now? I don’t need anything except the men on either side of me.
I need them to share this moment.
I need to show them what they mean to me, even if I’m not sure I can say the words.
I need them inside me. Taking me. Proving to me that they know just how completely I’m theirs.
Johnny’s got the A/C blasting and the windows aren’t tinted and the highway isn’t all that far behind us, but I don’t feel a single inhibition… I just feel need. I’ve never had sex in public. Never done it outside, even in private. And honestly, I never thought I’d want to. But right now? I want everything.
The clinical part of my brain recognizes that I’m having a natural response to an adrenaline high, but I know it’s something more than that, too. My bucket list is finally done, and of course I feel good about that… but I don’t feel complete, the way I’ve always assumed I would.
Instead, knowing there’s nothing left to check off fills me with a new sense of urgency.
It means it’s almost over.
I don’t know how much time I’ll really have left, but my birthday is just over a month away, so it can’t be much, and even without any more items left on The List, I’m determined to wring as much as I can out of every last moment that I get.
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