I laugh, because she’s silly and she always says that, but I have to admit it both warms my heart and lifts my spirits… and isn’t that really why I called?
“How are you, Auntie?” I ask, already smiling.
“How am I? I think the question is how are you. Last I heard you were shacked up with two hot firefighters while apartment hunting. Please tell me you managed to heat things up while you were there.”
I blush from head to toe, even though I’m alone, because… yes. Oh, Lord, a thousand times yes. I clear my throat, not quite ready to admit that, though… or that I’m still “shacking up” with them.
Instead, I go for what I know will be an instant distraction—
“I was thinking of applying to nursing school,” I blurt out. And it’s not a lie, I’ve thought about it off and on for years, but actually saying the words out loud? Suddenly, it makes me want it in a whole new way. It makes it feel possible, as if just giving voice to it has power, despite the destiny awaiting me.
“Oh, honey!” Maria says excitedly. “Oh, yes. How many times have I urged you to do that? Please tell me you’re doing more than just thinking about it! Just put in the application, baby girl, take the first step!”
The cascade of encouragement from her sparks a familiar pang in my chest. She really has been encouraging me to do it for a long time, and why wouldn’t she? I’ve never told Maria about my fate. Of course I haven’t. I’ve never told anyone other than the boys, because… well, because it sounds crazy.
This time, though—for the first time—as she bubbles over with excitement with all the shiny possibilities for my future, I feel something new, too. The pang is still there, but there’s also something else. Something that has Matt’s stubbornness and Johnny’s enthusiasm and a little bit of fierceness that I’m shocked to realize is all me.
I want this, and I want them, and with less than a month left before my birthday, I want to find a way.
Make a way.
Believe there can be a way.
Maybe… maybe that’s why I called my auntie.
“You know I’m a thousand percent on board with this, sweetheart,” she’s saying enthusiastically. “And if you need any help with the tuition—”
“No, no,” I cut her off, laughing. “I haven’t applied yet!”
“Well, get on that, girl! They’ll take you. They’d be stupid not to. But tell me, why the sudden change of heart? I’ve been on you for years about this, honey. What happened?”
“I… I just…”
I turn my back to the railing I’ve been leaning against, fanning my face as I get all flustered thinking about how to answer that question.
What happened? Johnny and Matt happened.
Janet sees me from inside and gives a friendly wave, then taps her watch. I nod. I’ve got to go back on shift in a couple of minutes.
“Eden?” Maria pushes me, laughter in her voice. “Stumbling around your answer like that makes me hope that ‘what happened’ includes a new man.”
“You’ve got a one-track mind, Auntie,” I tell her, laughing.
“Mm-hmm,” she agrees, not even trying to deny it. “But I still think I’m right.”
I cover my face, knowing for sure I’d be busted if this were a video call. “It’s just, um, some… some friends. They inspired me to dream bigger, I guess.”
“Ooooh, I like these friends,” Maria says. She waits a beat, and I can hear it coming in her voice— “Just friends? A particular friend, perhaps? A male friend?”
I laugh self-consciously, and I don’t know how she does it, but somehow she interprets that sound for the admission it is.
“Oh, honey!” she practically squeals. “Tell me about him! Please tell me it’s one of those hot firefighters.”
“Um—”
“Which one? What were their names?”
“Johnny,” I say, smiling as I wrap my free arm around my waist in a happy self-hug. “And Matt.”
God, those boys get to me, even when they’re not around. Just thinking about them does all sorts of things inside me, and I see Janet raising her eyebrows at me through the glass door and miming something about the too-wide smile on my face. I bite my lip and shake my head at her, turning away again so I don’t end up having to explain—or really, dodge—more than one person on this topic today.
On the other end of the line, Maria is quiet.
Too quiet.
Uh-oh. She’s not a quiet person… not unless her brain is plotting something. Twisting and turning the pieces of some puzzle again to come up with an answer that usually means trouble for me.
“Maria…” I start, knowing I’m going to need to head her off at the pass even though I’m not sure what on earth I could possibly have said to give myself away.
“Don’t you ‘Maria’ me,” she says. “Now tell me what’s really going on.”
I swallow. Sure, she’s always pushing me to live a little and go be adventurous with men, but I’m pretty sure what I’ve done with the two of them goes past adventurous and all the way to… to… well, to addicting, at least for me.
All the way to needing.
All the way to love.
My hand trembles against my phone. That’s probably not the word other people would use, though.
“What makes you think anything’s going on?” I ask, although why I’m even bothering, I’m not sure. She may not have been born a mother, but Maria definitely has that magical maternal superpower of seeing right through bullshit and calling me on it.
She laughs, and I can picture her shaking her head as she casts her eyes up to the heavens. “Oh, sweetheart. Something’s going on. Just saying those two boys’ names practically made you salivate, and I don’t care how good the eye candy is, your mouth doesn’t water like that unless you’ve also had a taste. Which one, honey? Spill.”
“I… I’ve got to go back on shift,” I say, suddenly sweating.
“Don’t you try to dodge me,” she says mock-sternly. “Why on earth are you acting like I’ll judge you? I think it’s fantastic. I mean, unless…” she suddenly pauses, and my heart rate skyrockets.
“Unless what?” I whisper, fearing that she’ll tell me that the one thing she will judge me for, and judge me harshly, is exactly what I’ve done.
“Unless one of them is married, Eden? You didn’t mention that. Or in a relationship? That’s… oh, honey, no matter how tempting they are, that’s not going to end well.”
I shake my head even though she can’t see me and open my mouth to deny it, but then I snap it closed again, because it skirts close to what I was just worrying about, doesn’t it? About whether me being in the middle will prevent them from ever figuring out how they feel about each other?
Maria sighs, and the disappointment in that sound stabs me in the heart. “Oh, Eden—”
“No,” I blurt, because they can still find each other after I’m gone, and I wouldn’t do what Maria’s accusing me of. Not on purpose, anyway. “No,” I repeat. “Neither one of them was seeing anyone else before me.”
Silence.
And then—
“Neither one of them?”
I… what? Oh, dammit. Dammit! Did I really say that? But she can’t assume that means what it means, can she?
“Um, I just meant—”
Maria cuts me off. “Eden Eleanor Evans, are you sleeping with both of them?”
“I, well, the thing is—”
“Eden!” And now Maria is laughing so hard I can barely understand the words. “Oh my God, girl, I’ve been telling you to have some fun for years. When you finally listen to me, you go all in, don’t you?”
I’m blushing again, and I hear the glass door slide open behind me.
Janet’s voice—
“I’m sorry, Eden, but we really do need you back on the floor. It’s time for Mr. Sanjay’s bath.”
I turn and nod, and thankfully she closes the door so I can have one last second of privacy to end my call.
“I’ve got to go, Auntie, really.”
“Oh, I bet you do,” she says, sounding gleeful. “Tell me, sugar, both of them… at the same time?”
“Um—”
“Oh, girl,” she says, laughing again. “I approve. I definitely approve.”
“You do?”
“Of course I do. Get it, honey. You deserve all the love you can get, and fuck anyone who wants to judge you for it. You do you, isn’t that what I go to work for every day? Your right to live your life the way that fits you best?”
“I think it might be illegal,” I whisper into the phone, blushing so hard I feel like my face might burst into flames. “You know, to… to be with… two men at once?”
Maria makes a rude sound that has me laughing. “That’s not illegal, that’s every woman’s fantasy. And Eden?”
“Yes?”
My heart is pounding. Pounding. Somehow, I didn’t know how badly I wanted her approval until I got it.
“I know you, honey,” Maria says, her voice softening. “So I’m guessing since you actually let yourself go there, it is more than just a hot threesome… and when it comes to the rest? The part where the law won’t let you make that kind of arrangement official if it ever gets that serious between the three of you?”
I nod, my throat closing up tight.
Thankfully, she doesn’t wait for an answer she can actually hear.
“Just remember that love is love, and that’s something I fight for every day, too. Other people don’t need to understand it or even approve of it, because life is just too damn short not to love who you love if you get the chance.”
And I know she’s thinking of my parents, I just know it. They weren’t together long, not when you compare it to the lifetime they expected to have together, but from everything I’ve heard, they were happy. Really happy. And you know what? It looks like that’s another fate I inherited.
“Promise me you won’t give this up if it’s working for you, okay?” Maria pushes me. “Just hold on tight. Promise me.”
“Okay,” I say, wiping at my cheeks. I’m not sure where the tears came from, but despite them, my heart feels lighter, not heavier. “I do promise, Auntie. I’m going to hold on tight for… for as long as I can.”
For the rest of my life.
And you know what? Even though a part of me knows that “the rest of my life” won’t be long at all, that other part—that stubborn, enthusiastic, fierce part that reared its head earlier—that’s in me now, too.
And that part?
That part wants to fight, just like my Auntie Maria.
That part is in love, and love is worth fighting for, and whether it’s just for a few more weeks or for a heck of a lot longer, I’m not going to let myself take that for granted… or let go of it quite so easily.
That part has me pulling up nursing school applications once I’m off shift.
And even though it scares the heck out of me, I even start filling them out.
21
Matt
Watching Johnny restlessly fidget around the living room is like trying to keep track of a living, breathing Energizer Bunny. When the man gets tired, he gets more wired. But me? After the week we’ve just had at the firehouse, I’m so damn happy to be home I don’t want to even think about moving right now. In fact, with the A/C blasting and a cold beer in my hand, I’d be happy to stay right here on the couch for the rest of the night.
Being tired doesn’t stop me from enjoying the view, though.
“And Chief said he’s down with us using the firehouse for the party as long as—what’s that look for?” Johnny asks suspiciously, interrupting himself when he catches me looking. He glances down at his bare chest, swiping at it. “Did I spill some beer?”
“Nope,” I say, my grin getting even wider.
I’ve been around Johnny all my damn life, but looking at him with new eyes is… nice.
Stimulating, you might even say.
I raise my beer to my mouth, enjoying the hell out of it as I let my free hand drift down to my lap and just sort of… keep things warm.
“You gonna bounce off the walls all night, or you wanna come over here and take a load off?” I ask him, patting the seat next to me. Also means I take my hand off the growing bulge in my shorts, and… yep, Johnny’s eyes zero in on it right away.
And the look that comes over his face? I’m suddenly feeling a hell of a lot more than just warm.
“I could… I could sit,” Johnny says, scrubbing a hand over his face like he actually thinks that’s gonna hide the big-ass smile he’s got going on there all of a sudden.
I don’t even try to hide mine. I fucking love putting that look on his face.
Not gonna lie, part of me is still a little mindblown about the shift in status between me and Johnny, but gotta say, I like the new reality. I like it a lot. That shit we did at the firehouse earlier in the week, back before every damn building in the city decided to catch on fire and keep us hopping for the last few days? Hands down, that was hotter than any of the blazes we put out, and as tired as I am, if there’s one thing that might inspire me to get my ass off this couch, it’s the chance for a repeat.
Or maybe I’ll get to have my cake and eat it, too—get that chance and not have to get my ass off this couch—given that Johnny makes good on his word and flops down right next to me, gaze playing ping-pong as it bounces between my eyes and my dick and back again.
“So, uh, about Eden’s party,” he says, like he actually thinks he can play it cool.
I grin, throwing an arm around the back of the couch as I spread my legs a little wider and take another sip of my beer. He’s not sitting right next to me, but he’s not far, either, so that arm I’ve got casually laid out?
Makes it so I can sort of tease him a little.
Fingers in the back of his hair… back of his neck… under his ear.
Figuring out where the spots are that make him squirm.
“Shit, Matty,” he says, his cheeks starting to pink up. He doesn’t pull away, though. “You trying to kill me here? We gotta… gotta plan this… this party out. We don’t do it before Eden gets home, it won’t be a surprise.”
“We’ve got time,” I remind him. A few weeks still. I quit with the touches, though, leaning back and nudging his thigh with mine. “Chief’s onboard, firehouse is booked, we just gotta invite some people and get music and food set up, yeah?”
“Yeah,” he says, sounding hella distracted… maybe because he’s still staring at my dick.
And Christ, just him looking at me like that has me fully hard now… which isn’t to say that it’s not also a little weird to be teasing him like this, because it is.
Truth is, there’s still an uncomfortable twinge inside me at just how gay I’m being right now, and why that is when I fucking want this, I don’t know, but I can’t pretend it’s not there. Doesn’t mean the twinge is gonna win, though. If that guy Asher can be out and proud with this kind of shit, then I can definitely step up… even if I’m still not real clear on how to do the whole love thing the right way when it’s with another guy.
In my head, loving Johnny is a mash-up of how I’m used to treating him with how I’d want to treat Eden, plus a whole bunch of new stuff that I’m still sorting out.
One thing I don’t have to sort out, though, is just how fully onboard my dick is. It has no problem whatsofuckingever with me suddenly going gay, and when Johnny licks his lips and flicks his eyes up to mine for a minute? Looking turned the fuck on, but also with just a hint of uncertainty underneath? I reach my limit. I put my beer down and reach for him, and he makes the sexiest fucking sound in the back of his throat—low and deep and needy as fuck—when I wrap my hand around his arm and pull him toward me.
Not gonna lie, I love getting with girls; love the feel of someone smaller than me, softer, like Eden. I love the way she fits against me—just the right size to manhandle a little, but with this soft delicacy about her that keeps
me aware at all times that she’s a treasure. That yeah, we’re going to do dirty things, but that I need to—want to—take care of her, too.
Her softness makes me want to be gentle, even when I’m rough, if that makes any sense.
But with Johnny? Fuck. He brings out a totally different side of me. Not that I’d ever want to hurt him, that’s not what I’m saying, but I also kind of love that I don’t really have to be careful, you know?
Johnny’s the opposite of delicate, and as I tug him toward me, I pull hard and like knowing that I can. His arms are huge. I’m not small, but I can’t even pretend to span his bicep. It’s all hot, smooth skin over hard, defined muscle, and you know I’d never want to give up Eden, but just saying, being with a guy—being able to bring a little more force to things—is really doing it for me, too.
And you know what else does it for me? Knowing Johnny wants it. And I know that because he’s letting me get away with this shit. If he wasn’t into it—well, not saying I couldn’t take him if I really tried, because what, I’m going to admit that? But he does have about three inches of height and twenty pounds of solid muscle on me, so yeah, it’s pretty clear that him letting me manhandle him like this is a huge, non-verbal hell yes, I want this, too, amirite?
“We’re really doing this?” he asks as I pull him against me. “We’re doing this right now, Matty?”
Pretty sure the answer to that is self-explanatory. Johnny braces himself with a hand on my thigh, right below where my shorts are tenting up like a boss, and his hand is literally less than an inch from the huge, non-verbal hell yes that my dick is giving him as it tries to bust its way out. Still, I bite back my knee-jerk impulse to answer him with something on the sarcastic side, because you know what? I totally understand why he needs to hear me say it.
Truth is, I was scared as fuck when I finally got the balls to initiate that shit with him at the station the other day. Taking him upstairs like that? I’d meant to just talk to him about things… you know, feelings-type things. I was all geared up for it after that come-to-Jesus convo with Asher, had my big coming-out speech planned out about a dozen different ways, but once I was finally alone with him? I just couldn’t figure out how to get any of the words out past the scared-as-fuck constriction in my throat.
Three Page 24
