“Lee-Lee?” Will called.
I drew in a stuttered breath. “Hey, I’m here.” I pulled myself together the best I could, slipped off my shoes, and walked down the short hallway. A quick turn to the living room, and I was in front of judge, jury, and executioner.
He sat on the couch, manuals spread out all around him. I took a moment and memorized him, the soft fall of his brown hair, the way he chewed on the end of his pen cap as he looked over his 5&9s for the training helicopter. He was such a good guy. He deserved so much better than me. So much better than someone who couldn’t contain her lust for someone else—no, someone who didn’t lust for anyone else. I had failed him on so many levels.
He didn’t look up, just flipped the page, completely lost in his studies. “Hey, Lee-Lee. How was your day? I ordered from Mellow Mushroom, so it should be here in about twenty minutes. I wasn’t sure if you felt like cooking.”
How normal it all seemed. How easy it would be to simply let it stay that way, to hide what I’d done. “I kissed Jagger.”
That certainly got his attention. His head snapped up, and the pen dropped from his mouth. “Excuse me?”
“I kissed Jagger.” I enunciated every word, letting them rip me open so I could feel the measure of pain I’d caused us all.
He shook his head, like he could shake my words from his ears. “You kissed Jagger. Bateman. Jagger Bateman. My asshole stick buddy? That Jagger Bateman?”
“Yes.” I rubbed the skin of my wrist where my watch usually resided. Apparently I’d left that behind with my morals.
“Wait. He kissed you? Or you kissed him?”
“Does it matter?” My drawl was more pronounced as I drew out the words.
“Yes.” His voice wasn’t hard. Oh, no, it was soft. Quiet.
“He kissed me—”
“That son of a bitch!” He jumped to his feet, heading for the door.
“—but I kissed him back. I am just as much to blame.”
Will looked from me to the wall, his expression slack, his mouth hanging slightly agape. “You kissed him back?”
My nails bit into the skin of my wrist. “Yes.”
“You liked it.”
My cheeks heated. “Yes.” I’d loved every second.
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this? What does this mean?”
“I don’t know, but I had to tell you.”
He fastened his hands behind his neck. “Do you feel better now that you have it off your chest?”
Shame burned, coming up my throat like acid. “Mercy. No, Will. This isn’t something I planned.”
“Well, what is it, Lee-Lee?”
“He… I…it’s complicated.”
He dropped his hands and backed away until he reached the end of the couch. “You can’t be seriously considering starting something with him.”
Protectiveness swept through me and took over my mouth. “And what if I am?”
“You’re kidding!”
“I’m not,” I said softly. “It’s not in my nature to go around kissing people who mean nothing to me, Will. You should know that.”
“Are you trying to break up with me?” He crossed his arms in front of him.
Was I? “I…I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far. It just happened.” Could I stay with Will? Was it even a possibility now that I knew what blatant desire felt like?
“No. We’re not breaking up, Lee. I’m not losing you over a one-time lapse in judgment. Not when we’ve come this far and been through so much together. What do you think Pey—”
“Oh, no, Will!” I shouted, anger coursing through me instantly. “Don’t you dare bring her into this. She’s in every part of my life. I carry her in my heart every day, and you don’t get to use her in this. Peyton would tell me to be happy and push me to take a chance. And you know what? She’d want you to be happy, too.”
“I am happy!”
“Sure seems it.”
“You’re not happy?” His eyes flickered between mine, like he was searching for something.
“I love you, Will. But you and I both know there’s something missing here. You treat me like I’m made out of glass. Even making love is a constant worry for you! Tell me the last time you’ve let yourself enjoy sex, because it wasn’t with me. Not with the constant checks to my heart monitor and holding yourself back.”
“So this is my fault? You kissed someone else because I’m not good enough in bed for you? My stick buddy? I fly with him every day, Lee-Lee!”
“Stop calling me that!” I closed my eyes and concentrated on calming my racing heart. All of this because of one kiss. One kiss brought my world tumbling down around me. One kiss transformed me into something I hated and broke the man I loved into pieces. One kiss that I could still taste and couldn’t bring myself to regret. Oh, I was surely headed to hell in a hand basket over the likes of Jagger Bateman. “I love you, Will. I have always loved you. You’ve been the one I could depend on. I never meant for this to happen.”
“I want to know exactly what happened.”
Images skyrocketed through my brain. Jagger on top of me, his eyes devouring me, the feel of his mouth caressing mine, the way he shot lust through me as though he’d injected a needle. “No, you don’t.”
“You let him touch you!” His anguish ripped me apart. “You kissed him!”
“Yes.” I deserved this. I deserved whatever he wanted to throw at me as long as he didn’t bring up Peyton again.
“Do you regret it?”
“Will…” Lying was something I couldn’t—wouldn’t—do.
“Do. You. Regret. It?” His voice shook me to the core.
I bit my lower lip, still tender from Jagger’s kiss, and shamefully, I wanted more. “No,” I whispered.
A cry ripped from his throat. “I love you! I’m careful with you! I know how to take care of you! Why, Lee? Why?”
Because there’s something in me that can’t stay away from him, that’s drawn to him like a bleepin’ magnet. “I don’t know. But if I loved you the way you deserve to be loved, there’s no way I would have kissed him back.” I walked toward him. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness or your understanding. What I did was appalling, and I don’t expect you to understand or absolve me.”
He stroked my cheek. “And if I want to? If I want to say, ‘I forgive you,’ and we go back to life as usual?”
I pulled away. “We just…can’t. It shouldn’t have happened, but I can’t go back.” Not now that I know what a kiss is supposed to feel like.
“I’m not letting you go this easily. People make mistakes.”
Ding! Ding!
“Pizza’s here,” I whispered. Such a normal activity happening during the second-biggest upheaval in my life.
“I got it.” Will slid past me, taking out his wallet, and opened the door. “How much do I owe— What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?”
“She told you.” Jagger! I raced down the hall, but Will’s frame blocked the door. Jagger stood a good four inches taller, and saw me easily over Will’s head. “Your watch. I know you like to wear it.” He held it up.
Will snatched it out of Jagger’s hand and narrowed his eyes at me. “You took your watch off? What the hell were you thinking?”
My chin rose. “That maybe I wanted to experience something without it telling me I shouldn’t.”
He grabbed my wrist and fastened the watch with quick, rough hands. “Reckless.” He turned to Jagger and shoved him with both hands. “You make her reckless! You have no thought for what she needs, you selfish bastard!” He followed Jagger out on to the porch.
“Will!” I scurried to get out from behind him. “Don’t!”
Too late. Jagger locked eyes with mine as Will swung, his fist connecting with Jagger’s face in a sickening thud that sounded nothing like movie effects. Jagger’s head snapped, and he seemed to blink it off. He thumbed away the drop of blood from his lip and rotated his jaw. “I deserved that for kissi
ng her when she belonged to you, but you won’t get another one in.”
Will cradled his hand. “I’m going to end you.”
“Will, please…”
“You’re seriously defending him?” Will shot at me over his shoulder.
Jagger looked at me once, then locked his jaw and shook his head at Will. “She’s blameless, Carter. It was all me.”
“That’s certainly not what she says.”
Jagger’s eyes flew wide as they met mine. His shoulders tensed, his arms hanging loose with fists clenched. He broke my stare. “I take all her responsibility.”
“Ha! If you only knew what responsibility for her even means! You’re the most selfish, arrogant asshole I’ve ever met!”
“Yes. But that doesn’t mean I’m not capable of being with someone—” He looked at me. “Being with you, Paisley.”
My heart flipped, did somersaults, and landed in my stomach. He wanted more from me than just that kiss.
Will swung again, but Jagger sidestepped as Will tumbled past him. “I’m not going to hurt you, Carter, but you’re not hitting me again.”
“Argh!” Will cried out, rushing Jagger, who took the impact of Will’s shoulder to his stomach as the two came barreling into the house, taking out the entry hall table. It skidded down the hallway in pieces as Jagger flipped his weight and anchored Will to the wall.
“Fucking stop!” Jagger yelled. My heart raced, and I fanned my hand over my chest, wishing there was something I could do to make them stop before someone got hurt.
“Will you two knock it off?” My head swam, and I suddenly couldn’t catch my breath.
“No!” Will shouted. “You don’t get to win this one. You don’t get her, too!” He swung again, and Jagger simply moved, prepared. Will’s fist put a hole in my drywall. “Damn it!” He pulled his hand from the wall, turned, and charged again.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Will skidded to a stop a few feet from Jagger, his eyes finding mine in panic. “Deep breaths, Lee.”
I silenced the alarm, closed my eyes, and slowed my breathing, taking deep pulls of oxygen that calmed my heart rate. “I’m…fine.” Three more breaths, and the pounding eased, and the dizziness faded. “Really, I’m fine.”
“‘Fine’ is the last word I would use to describe any of this. You’re not fine, I’m not fine, and he”—he pointed his finger toward Jagger, who had moved to stand by me—“is the most fucked-up person you could ever choose to be around.” He walked into the living room, gathering his things by the sound of it.
I couldn’t chance looking at Jagger. I didn’t want to see those eyes or even contemplate everything that had happened. I wanted to live in denial, ignore that I’d ripped the gravity out of my world. I wasn’t even in free fall. Oh, no, I floated in a place where physics didn’t apply. I was lost.
Jagger reached over and squeezed my hand, centering me.
Will passed us without a second look, his backpack across his shoulder. “I’m not giving in this easily, Lee. I’ll be around when he fucks up and leaves you broken.”
He walked out without shutting the door, taking the last year of my life with him.
“Paisley?” Jagger questioned softly, but I refused to look into his eyes. “I meant it. Forget everything I said about distractions. I want to be with you.”
“I just need you to go, Jagger. Please?” I drew in on myself and dropped his hand.
“I don’t want to leave you alone.”
I stared at the shattered remains of my entry table. “I need you to give me some time.”
I looked into the mirror and saw his reflection. We locked eyes, and electricity passed between us like it always did, some unspoken connection that had just cost me what I’d thought was my future. “You get a day. That’s all I can survive. I’ll be here in twenty-four hours.”
He walked out.
Chapter Fifteen
Jagger
Sometimes there are things bigger, greater than yourself, and I’m sorry that you haven’t found that yet. But I have.
Three minutes until exactly twenty-four hours had passed. Thank God it was Saturday, and I didn’t have to deal with Carter.
That was going to be an epic treat on Monday when we flew together.
Two hours of sleep was all I’d managed. Every time I’d closed my eyes, I’d seen her under me, arching toward my mouth. I’d felt her hands in my hair, tasted her on my lips.
One fucking kiss, and I was addicted.
I’d also been a royal asshole and wrecked her yearlong relationship. He was wrong for her anyway, but I hadn’t exactly made it a smooth exit for her. What if she didn’t exit?
I stopped that thought before it could consume any more of my head. She couldn’t go back to him, not after the way she’d reacted to me—us. What if you’re the only one who felt it?
“Shut the hell up,” I muttered to myself. Great, now I was losing it.
The number on the dashboard clock changed, and I headed for the front door, a single peony in hand. My stomach turned over, and my palms dampened as I rang the doorbell.
“Hold on a second!” Morgan’s voice was muffled through the door.
Don’t puke. It took forever for her to get to the door. Her brown hair was in a messy knot at the top of her head, and her eyes were rimmed red.
“You look like hell.” The words were out of my mouth before I thought. Shit. “I’m sorry. I mean, you look like you need a good night’s rest?”
“Well, aren’t you just the example of chivalry,” she drawled with arched eyebrows. “Lee isn’t here.”
I checked again to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. “Isn’t that her car in the driveway?”
Morgan looked past me. “Yes, but she’s in Birmingham for the weekend.”
“What is she doing in Birmingham?”
“Treating a broken heart.”
My stomach clenched. “Is she alone?”
Morgan shook her head, and a part of my soul threatened to shrivel up. “No, but she’s not with Will, either. Her mama is up there with her.”
“Oh, thank God. Are you trying to kill me?”
She ripped the sunglasses off, and her eyes narrowed. “Kill you? Kill you? You might be the biggest bastard to walk the planet at the moment. I get it, you’re hot, and she was hooked from the minute you walked down that beach. And sure, you’ve got that whole savior thing going for you, but you ripped her whole world apart in ways you know nothing about. So yeah, maybe I feel, as her best friend, I get to give you shit.”
Damn. She didn’t pull punches. “I didn’t plan it. I mean, yeah, I’ve thought about it pretty much since I pulled her out of the water, but I respected that she was in a relationship. But then I found out it was Carter, and I couldn’t not fight for her. Not when every fucking cell in my body screams out that she belongs with me.”
“Just…” She sighed. “Ugh. Jagger, give me that. I’ll deliver it.” She took the flower and then hauled her bag out of the doorway. She locked the door and then turned to me. “Look, we both know they were horribly wrong together, but that doesn’t mean that they knew it. Yesterday morning, she would have married him if he’d asked, and you eviscerated that whole future.”
“By kissing her.”
“By existing. Lee isn’t typical—”
“You don’t have to tell me that. She’s extraordinary.”
“Shut up and listen.” She jabbed her finger at me. “She doesn’t let people in easily, and until now, she hasn’t had to. She’s had me, who’s known her basically all her life, and Will, who watched her grow up. Will, who may treat her like a child, but he’s a great guy and he’s sure as hell there to pick her up when she needs it. You took that from her.”
As if I didn’t feel like shit already. Well, the part of me that wasn’t ready to hurl from the excitement of just having a chance with her. But yeah, the other part of me? Shitty.
“So you’d better be ready to step up, because she doesn�
��t need some little flyboy. She needs a man strong enough to handle his own shit and carry her.”
What was I missing here? It was something she wasn’t going to tell me—I’d have to hear it from Paisley. At that moment, resolve unfurled within me, stretching from my chest through my appendages, until it reached my fingers and toes. I felt…strong, capable, and determined.
“Let me worry about Paisley. I can handle more than you can imagine.”
She pushed past me, headed to her car. “That’s the easy answer, Jagger. Think about it, and if you’re not ready to stand up, don’t show up. She’d be better off without you.”
She didn’t bother to say good-bye, just threw the bag into her trunk and took off.
A thread of hope wove itself around me. If there was one thing I hated, it was being underestimated. I could do this. I could be with Paisley, tackle anything for her. Flight school was tough, but my grades kept me neck and neck for top of the OML. She wasn’t going to be a distraction; if anything, she was my incentive to prove myself.
Dropkick Murphys sounded, and I pulled out my phone, holding my breath. The Seattle number sucked away any hope that it was Paisley.
“This is Jagger.”
“Mr. Bateman?” The female on the other end had that tone, the one that preannounced bad news.
“That’s me.”
“I’m calling about Anna—”
“Yes?” My stomach dropped, and I braced my hand on the side of the Defender.
“I’m so sorry, sir, but I need to tell you she walked out this morning. She’s gone.”
Not. Again.
“It’s been two weeks, what do you mean you can’t find her?” My cell phone took the brunt of my anger. A couple heads on the library walkway turned in my direction, and I lowered my voice. “This is what I pay you for.”
“She really doesn’t seem to want to be found this time.”
“I don’t give a damn what Anna wants. Check her credit cards, her bank account, and call every ex she has.” The thought of her staying with any of those disgusting assholes turned my stomach. Why didn’t she call me? She always called me.
Eyes Turned Skyward Page 13
