‘That was Suk? As in, Jaddi’s-secret-relationship Suk?’ Samantha’s mouth dropped open.
‘I think so.’ Lizzie nodded. ‘My mum said she introduced herself as Suk.’
‘Um … did you know Suk was female?’ Samantha asked.
‘You mean, did I have any clue that our best friend who we’ve lived with for nine years was in a relationship with a girl?’
Samantha nodded. ‘Yes.’
Lizzie shook her head. ‘None whatsoever. You?’
‘Nope.’ Samantha shook her head. ‘Although, for some reason, I’m not surprised. Do you know what I mean?’
‘I was thinking the same thing. She’s always been kind of protective about her love life. She was forever walking out of the room or the door whenever we tried to get any information out of her.’
‘No wonder she was hiding Suk from her family, though. I mean, that’s going to be tough on both of them,’ Samantha said. ‘But what about us? Aren’t you just a little hurt that she didn’t tell us?’
‘I don’t think I am,’ Lizzie said. Lizzie stared into Samantha’s pale-blue eyes when she spoke. ‘Sometimes, people keep secrets from the ones they love the most to protect them from being hurt. They start down a road and before long they know there’s no going back. But whatever we’re feeling right now, we need to put it to one side and look at the bigger picture. Our friend needs our support, now more than ever.’ Lizzie paused. ‘She’ll need your support,’ she corrected in a low voice.
Samantha’s face fell. She opened her mouth and closed it again before shaking her head and pulling Lizzie in for a hug. Lizzie felt a jolt of guilt as she hugged her back.
‘Come on, let’s go and meet Suk,’ Lizzie said a moment later, taking Samantha’s arm.
CHAPTER 50
Jaddi
‘I still don’t understand how you’re here.’ Jaddi closed her eyes behind her sunglasses and dropped her bare feet over the edge of the pool. The cool water on her skin was heaven in the burning heat of the day.
They’d found a secluded spot on the far side of one of the four hotel swimming pools. Each pool was connected by a narrow swimming lane, which ran the entire width of the hotel. The pool they’d chosen was furthest away from the cabanas, the casino, and an outside bar – away from the older couples sunbathing, the groups of men and women their age drinking colourful liquids from tall glasses, and those in between, enjoying their holiday.
Suk dropped her gaze to the pool and ran her fingers across the edge of the glistening water. ‘I’ve missed you so much.’ Tears teetered on her eyelids before cascading down her face. ‘It half killed me to wait until they’d put the episodes on catch-up,’ she whispered as the beat of music drifted towards them, ‘so I could watch it on my iPad when everyone else was in bed.’
‘So your mum and dad haven’t seen it?’ A spark of hope shot through Jaddi. Maybe it wasn’t too late.
A smile touched Suk’s lips. ‘Are you kidding? You know they won’t watch anything unless it has Kamal Haasan in it.’
‘Do they even know you’re here?’ Jaddi asked.
Suk shook her head. ‘I’ve missed you so much,’ she said again, placing her hand on top of Jaddi’s.
Jaddi yanked her hand free and glanced around the pool, ignoring the burst of warmth that had radiated from Suk’s touch. ‘Where do they think you are then?’
‘I don’t know.’
Jaddi drew in a sharp breath and stared at Suk’s face from behind her sunglasses. Who was this person? The Suk she’d said goodbye to in London cared about what her parents thought. She cared so much that she would glance over her shoulder every five minutes whenever they were together, no matter how remote their location. Suk cared so much that she’d spent hours fantasising to Jaddi about the two of them marrying brothers, living together in one house, and cementing their secret and their futures forever.
Suk’s parents would care too. They cared so much about where Suk was, who she was with, what she was doing, that she’d been forbidden to go to the shopping centre with Jaddi on a Saturday afternoon when they were sixteen, or anywhere in fact, unless she was accompanied by a member of her family.
There were two exceptions to this rule. Suk was allowed to go to work at Jaddi’s dad’s car company, where she took bookings, dealt with the admin and occasionally drove the cars to the carwash and back.
The other exception was dating. Now that they were in their late twenties both girls were under pressure to marry, Suk more so. Once Suk’s mother had exhausted her family and friendship network to find Suk a suitable match, she’d turned to Sikh dating websites. Her mother, pretending to be Suk, had scoured the websites for eligible men, messaged them, and then if she’d liked what she’d read, sent Suk off to meet them.
It seemed illogical to Jaddi that Suk’s parents forbade their twenty-eight-year-old daughter from seeing her friends by herself, but they had no problem whatsoever with sending Suk out to meet complete strangers, simply because he ticked the right boxes on a website.
Jaddi had used this information to their advantage half a dozen times in the past year, by signing up to the same dating websites, and creating fake male profiles that she knew would appeal to Suk’s mother. After two or sometimes three dates, where Suk and Jaddi had spent precious time alone together, her mother would invite the man to meet Suk’s family, at which point Jaddi would either decline and end the relationship, or accept, but in doing so let slip something which would lead Suk’s mother to end it instead. It wasn’t hard to find something Suk’s parents didn’t approve of. Any suggestion of Suk becoming more Western had always done the trick.
‘What’s going on, Suk? Jaddi asked. ‘Why are you so relaxed about this? Before I left, you didn’t even want me to tell my best friends.’
‘Things change,’ Suk mumbled.
‘What things? Suk, this doesn’t make any sense.’ Jaddi closed her eyes. She didn’t recognise the sound of her own voice.
‘I love you,’ Suk said. ‘I thought you felt the same way.’
‘I do, of course I do, but I thought we were on the same page about this. Last time we spoke about coming out, we agreed it wasn’t the right thing to do.’
‘You didn’t want to walk away from your family,’ Suk said, her tone suddenly hard.
‘Neither did you.’ Jaddi shook her head, thinking of the last time she’d seen Uncle Prem. It was a cousin’s wedding and he’d worn a magenta pink turban. Old wine, new labels, Jaddi. That had been his favourite saying. She must have heard it a hundred times. He’d always said it in the context of current affairs, but she wondered now, was history about to repeat itself? She couldn’t let that happen.
‘Suk, please tell me what’s going on here?’ Jaddi asked.
Before Suk could answer a voice shouted from the doorway of the hotel. ‘There they are.’
Panic circled Jaddi’s head as Lizzie, Samantha, and Ben, followed by the film crew, made their way towards them. Scenarios and explanations raced through her mind whilst her legs ached to jump up and run.
‘We wondered where you’d got to,’ Samantha said, grinning.
Jaddi attempted a smile, hoping to mask the whirlwind of panic swirling inside of her. ‘We just came out to see the pool. Not bad, uh?’ Her voice still sounded wrong. It was too high. Too squeaky.
‘Um, are you going to introduce us?’ Lizzie said.
‘Yes, sorry, this is Suk. Suk, this is Lizzie and Samantha.’
‘Hi,’ Lizzie and Samantha chorused with a wave of their hands.
‘It’s nice to finally meet you,’ Suk said. ‘I’ve heard so much about you both.’
‘And we’ve heard absolutely nothing about you.’ Samantha laughed. She turned to Jaddi and raised her eyebrows.
Jaddi shrugged. She wanted so much to explain but the black lens of the camera stopped her. It might as well have been her father standing behind Lizzie.
‘So how long have you two been—’ Lizzie began.
‘My dad does a lot of business for Suk’s dad. They’re old friends.’ The words flew out of Jaddi’s mouth before Lizzie could finish her sentence. Jaddi’s eyes avoided the camera. ‘We’ve been friends since we could walk, I guess.’
An awkward silence hovered over them.
It was Ben that spoke first, Ben who saved her. He cleared his throat. ‘Why don’t we get some lunch,’ he said, glancing between Lizzie and Samantha. ‘I think these guys have a lot of stuff to catch up on.’ His eyes darted back and forth between Lizzie and one of the cameramen. Jaddi could have kissed him then.
‘Oh, yes … good idea. Let’s do that.’ Lizzie grabbed Samantha and pulled her away. ‘I hope we’ll get to meet you properly a bit later on, Suk.’
Suk nodded. ‘I’d like that.’
Alone once more, Jaddi kicked at the cool water with her feet, unable to lift her eyes to look at Suk. How many times had she dreamed about the two of them going away together, lounging by a poolside, drinking cocktails, laughing, kissing? Never having to look over their shoulders or sneak around. So why did this feel so wrong?
‘My parents are sending me to India,’ Suk said.
‘Huh?’ Jaddi looked up, her head already shaking in disbelief.
‘It’s the only way that they won’t cut me out of their lives. I move to India and marry a man of their choosing. Oh, and I never see you again.’
‘That’s crazy.’
‘Is it?’ Suk raised her eyebrows. ‘What did you expect them to say?’
‘Hang on a minute,’ Jaddi said, the tone of her voice rising again. ‘I get why Lizzie’s family are here, and why Caroline flew David out, but why you? How did Caroline know? Why did you tell them?’ Invisible walls closed in around Jaddi.
Anger flashed across Suk’s face. ‘Because you told the world about us,’ Suk snapped.
‘No, I didn’t.’ Even as the words left her mouth, Jaddi realised Suk had to be right. She knew Suk as well as she knew herself. Suk had never once talked about coming out to their families. It had always been Jaddi’s musings, not Suk’s. Suk telling her parents that she was gay and in love with Jaddi seemed as likely as their families welcoming the news with open arms.
‘Yes, you did.’ Suk threw her hands in the air. ‘In Australia. You were all sitting around the campfire and you told Samantha and Lizzie that you were in love with me.’ Suk drew in a shaky breath. Tears continued to stream from her eyes. ‘My brother was watching.’
‘I … I …’ Jaddi faltered. The rainforest trek. She’d blurted Suk’s name out after Harrison had accused her of hitting on him. She hadn’t realised Ben had been filming. ‘I said your name, but I … I didn’t say you were you; it could just have easily been a bloke. That’s what Samantha and Lizzie assumed. I didn’t correct them. Surely, you could have denied it?’
‘I tried. Don’t you think I tried that?’ Suk’s voice rose, carrying across the deserted pool. ‘Tev accused me outright in front of Dad. I tried to deny it, but they pieced it together. You have no idea what I’ve been through. My dad literally shoved me out of the front door in my dressing gown.’ Suk’s shoulders heaved as the words tumbled from her mouth. I had no clothes, no shoes, no money, no phone. Nothing. I had to hide around the side of the house until they’d left, and plead with my mum to help me. She wouldn’t open the front door. I was lucky she even passed me my bag, phone and some clothes out of the window. Someone at Channel 6 tracked me down through your Facebook friends list and invited me here. I thought that after what you said in Australia about us, I should come.’
‘I’m … I’m sorry. I didn’t know any of that. I’m so sorry that I did this to you.’ Hurt seared through Jaddi as Suk’s pain became hers. Jaddi lifted her sunglasses onto her head and looked into Suk’s eyes.
‘Where have you been staying?’
‘At your flat.’ Suk hung her head. ‘Sorry, I had the keys. It was the only place I could think of to go.’
‘Don’t say sorry. I’m glad you did. Does my family know?’ Jaddi asked.
‘I don’t know. Have Ravi or Halima been in touch?’
Jaddi shook her head. Water pricked at the edges of her eyes. A dizzying relief spiralled through her mind as if she’d gulped down a cappuccino on an empty stomach. Her family didn’t know. There was still time to salvage this.
‘I guess no, then,’ Suk said. ‘Tev phoned me last week to tell me to come home and pack for India or never come back again. I can’t see them telling your dad. It would bring them too much shame.’
‘It will be the same for me,’ Jaddi said.
A noise escaped Suk’s mouth. ‘Of course it won’t,’ she said. ‘Sure, your parents will make a big song and dance of cutting you out when they find out, but you know they won’t. You might not get to go to the weddings and the festivals but you’ll still get invited to dinner. Your mum will still call you most days and moan about how much your dad is working.’
Jaddi closed her eyes again. Was Suk right? Would her family find their own way to accept her sexuality? Or was she also facing the possibility of a lifetime of never seeing or hearing from them again? Never seeing her nephews and nieces, or catching the scent of jasmine in her mum’s hair when she was near. Was she prepared to take the risk?
CHAPTER 51
Jaddi
It was his laugh that Jaddi had loved most about her Uncle Prem; a booming whole-body occurrence that stopped conversations and drew people towards him. It was infectious too. Jaddi had been standing on the other side of the dance floor at her cousin’s wedding reception, nowhere near her uncle. She couldn’t even see him, and yet when his laugh had echoed across the marquee it had sent her into a fit of giggles.
But it was impossible not to think about Prem’s laugh without thinking of the darkness that followed his suicide. The weeks and months of devastation that hung over her father and their house. There’d been no explanation for it. Jaddi had had no clue as to why. She’d been thirteen and her parents hadn’t even told her he’d died. It was only when she’d found Prem’s letter in the bottom of her dad’s office drawer that it had all clicked into place. Old wine, new labels, Jaddi thought again.
‘What do I do now?’ Suk asked, pulling Jaddi’s thoughts back to her.
‘What do you want to do?’
Suk dropped her head into her hands, her shoulders shaking as she spoke. ‘Be with you,’ she whispered. Suk sat up and grabbed Jaddi’s hands. ‘Let’s do it. Let’s start a life together, a proper one.’
‘Suk, I … I can’t. I can’t do that to my family. I can’t walk away from them.’
‘But I can?’ Suk cried out.
‘It’s different. This is Uncle Prem all over again. I can’t do it to them or to myself.’
‘But you don’t even know what happened with Prem.’
‘I read the letter he sent my dad, his … his suicide note. He was gay. He’d lived the lie, married a woman, who was mean and spiteful, just to please the family. When he finally found the courage to leave her and come out to his family, they cast him out. They acted like he’d never existed. Wouldn’t speak to him, even when he begged them. He couldn’t live without them. They were his exact words: I can’t live without you, my family, your blessing. So I won’t live at all.’
Suk tightened her grip on Jaddi’s hands. ‘But that’s exactly why they won’t make the same mistake with you. And anyway, you’re stronger than him. I know you are. And you have me. Do you think I want to live without my family? Of course I don’t. But I don’t want to live in India either; I don’t want to live without you. We have to make a choice. Tell your family before they find out watching the documentary.’
Jaddi shook her head. ‘I’ll lie. I’ll tell them the producer made a mistake. I’ll find a Sikh boy with a name that starts with Suk – Sukhit, Sukhiam, Sukhnam. I know my parents. They’ll believe me.’
‘So that’s it then. This was all for nothing. Our relationship was for nothing. You ruined my life for nothing.’ She spat out
the final words as she leapt to her feet.
Pain clenched Jaddi’s heart. ‘Please understand, Suk, I can’t walk away from my family. I’m so sorry for saying what I did – I thought the camera was off. If you were in my shoes, wouldn’t you do the same?’
Suk’s voice softened. ‘They’ll still be part of your life; I know they will. It’s me who won’t have a family anymore, not you.’
Jaddi swallowed. ‘I can’t risk it.’
Suk gasped and broke into a run.
Jaddi watched Suk weave around the pool, her long braid flapping against her back as she darted through a door and disappeared.
‘I’m sorry,’ Jaddi whispered, allowing the tears to fall.
She needed to find Caroline, Jaddi thought, and beg her not to show Suk in the next episode. She’d thrown Suk to the wolves, destroyed her life and their relationship, and if she was going to live with that choice for the rest of her life, then Jaddi needed to make damn sure it wasn’t for nothing. She couldn’t risk her family finding out the truth too.
CHAPTER 52
Samantha
Samantha’s eyes roamed the surroundings of the hotel as they sat down at an empty table in the terrace restaurant. Exquisite, colourful, glass butterflies hung all over the walls, drawing her attention.
The relief of ending things with David had dissipated leaving an exhaustion clinging to her body. She stifled a yawn.
‘Samantha?’ Lizzie said.
‘Huh?’ She shook her head. ‘Sorry, I was miles away. Did you say something?’
‘I just asked, what you were planning to eat? It’s going to have to be the burger for me.’
‘Um …’ Samantha scanned the list of dishes. ‘I don’t know, I’m not that hungry.’
A movement beside the table changed her focus.
‘Oh, there you are,’ Evelyn said. ‘Peter,’ she called out, ‘they’re over here.’
‘Mum,’ Lizzie said with a smile, ‘that was a quick shower.’
‘Of course it was.’ Evelyn leant down and hugged Lizzie. Her hair still glistened with water. ‘We only have two days with you, after all. And, Samantha –’ she smiled and held out her arms as she moved around the table ‘– I’ve not even said hello yet.’
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