by T. R. Hamby
Gabriel drove him to campus on his motorcycle. Barry could feel that he was tense, and a surge of guilt went through him. How much pain would Gabriel be in when Barry used again?
I’ll leave, he told himself. It’ll be better for him.
He didn’t want to go. God, he didn’t. Just the thought made him feel sick again. But it was better than Gabriel knowing….than everyone seeing what he truly was….
He kissed Gabriel goodbye and went to class. It was Statistics today, and an excited Katie sat next to him. She seemed to pick up on his mood right away, though, because she remained quiet throughout the lecture.
When it was over Barry dutifully followed Katie to the library. He spent some time helping her with their Stats work, and she in turn proofread and edited his English essay.
She handed him his notes and studied him worriedly. “You okay?”
He avoided her gaze. “Yeah.”
“I’m here, you know. I mean, who am I going to blab to, you know?”
Barry doodled on his notebook, his heart aching. Sadness overwhelmed him, and he craved being high again.
Here we go, he thought.
“I’m worthless,” he found himself whispering. “I’m shit.”
Katie was quiet a moment. Then she said, “Why?”
He looked at her. He hadn’t been expecting that. He had been expecting more of a “no, you’re not,” or a “don’t be silly.”
He looked away again. His stomach churned, and he said, “Before I got clean I stole my mother’s necklace. It was really important to her. Sold it. A few months later she died. They were trying to call me, but I was too high to answer my phone. I missed saying goodbye.”
He looked at Katie, who was looking at him calmly. He shrugged and said, “How does anyone atone for that?”
She reached out and touched his hand. Her hand was warm.
“Defiance,” she said, and Barry stared. “That’s the next tattoo you should get.”
“Um--why?”
“Well, for one,” she smirked, “it’s better than ‘faith.’”
Barry’s lips twitched into a smile.
“And secondly, it’s what my therapist told me: It’s not valor or strength that’ll help you defeat your demons. It’s defiance. Daring to stand up to your past. Telling it to piss off. And the only thing you need to have defiance is to also have courage. Which you already have, right on your neck.”
Barry’s sore skin burned, and he thought of the eagle painted on his throat.
“So think of that,” she said as they stood to go, “whenever--”
But she was cut off, fumbling with her bag and dropping it. Some books tumbled out, as well as….
Barry stared. A pill bottle lay on the floor, right on top of her sketchbook.
Katie dove for it, but Barry was faster. He scooped up the bottle and examined it. A stranger’s name was printed on the label, as well as the word “oxycodone.”
He looked at her, and she shook. Tears welled in her eyes.
Barry shook too--shook with anger. Here was Katie, having just consoled him, in possession of something that had already fucked up her life once.
He glanced around the library. No one had noticed anything strange.
He looked at her. “Have you taken any?” he whispered.
She shook her head.
He nodded. The bottle burned in his hand, and he broke out in a cold sweat.
So this was it. This was how he was going to do it. God had put the shit right in his fucking hands, no work required.
He stuffed the bottle in his pocket, and Katie went white. “No--Barry--don’t take them too--”
“I have to go. I’ll flush them,” he lied, and his insides burned with shame.
“Barry. Please. Don’t be like me.”
“It’s all right. Promise.”
He left before she could reply. His hands shook, and tears formed in his eyes.
The urge was so strong, stronger than it had been in months. The pills rolled in the bottle, and the noise triggered all sorts of terrible, and wonderful, memories. God, he was so close. But no--no--he had to think about Gabriel….but maybe just one….just one….
God, he didn’t want to do it. But better him than Katie, at least.
Gabriel
Barry was still quiet when Gabriel picked him up from campus.
Gabriel was worried, very worried. There was something Barry wasn’t telling him; he knew it. Even with the seriousness of his choice, he shouldn’t have been that cut up.
Something was wrong.
They arrived home, and Barry immediately went upstairs. Gabriel went to follow, but his father stopped him.
“Nora is strong now,” Michael said. “Everyone’s in the guestroom practicing their fighting.”
“Great,” Gabriel said. “We’ll be there in a minute.”
“You haven’t seen anything in Knightsbridge?”
He shook his head bitterly. “No. But I’m sure they’re watching.”
Michael was frowning. “They might have moved on. It’s not like we stuck around.”
He looked at him. “How’s Barry?”
“I need to talk to him.”
“Right.”
He went upstairs. The bedroom door was shut, and he went to open it.
It was locked.
Gabriel’s heart dropped. “Barry. It’s me.”
No response.
“Barry.” Louder this time.
Nothing.
Now he felt a surge of fear. “Barry, if you don’t open the fucking door, I’ll rip it off its fucking hinges,” he growled, loud enough for everyone to hear.
He was about to do it when the door burst open. Barry darted out, hit the wall, and whirled around, sinking to the floor. His face was ashen, and damp with sweat.
He pointed, trembling, to the desk in the bedroom. Gabriel rushed in, and found a pile of pills on the desk.
His heart stopped. He swore, gathered them up, and went to the bathroom. He threw them in the toilet and flushed. He waited until every last one was gone.
Good fucking riddance.
Then he ran back into the hall.
Everyone had arrived by then. Nora was beside Barry, squeezing his arm while he held his head in his hands. Everyone else stood, unsure of what to do.
Gabriel knelt down. “Did you take any?”
He held his breath, waiting for Barry’s answer.
Barry took a shaky breath, his head still in his hands, before whispering, “No.”
Gabriel closed his eyes, relief washing over him.
“He said I would,” Barry moaned.
“Who?”
“God….he said if I chose the second option, I would use again….I was so close….I’m sorry, I’m sorry….”
“You didn’t do it,” Nora said soothingly. “He said you would, and you didn’t. You fought it. You defied him.”
There was something about her words that caught Barry’s attention. He looked up. Tears streaked his cheeks, but some of the color had returned to his face.
He looked at Gabriel, and there was such horrible guilt on his face that Gabriel had a strong urge to weep too. He held Barry instead, squeezing him. Both of them trembled.
“Please forgive me,” Barry whispered. “Please don’t hate me.”
“Hate you for what?” Gabriel demanded quietly. “I’ll never hate you.”
“I should’ve stayed with you. I should’ve given them to you.”
“You could’ve taken them before I got to you,” Gabriel insisted. “And you didn’t. Don’t make things worse by hating yourself.”
“Come on,” Nora said, tugging on Barry’s arm, “you need to lie down and relax. It’s over now.”
But Barry shook his head, wiping at his tears. “No. I need to do something.”
He began to stand, and Gabriel stood too, helping him up.
Barry looked around. “I’ll fight. I have to train.”
Gabriel was ne
rvous; he thought Barry should lie down too. But no one protested, and together they filed into the guestroom. Barry grabbed a sword, forgetting the armor, and waited for Gabriel to grab his sword too.
Gabriel faced him. Barry was still pale, still a little shaky. But he had a determined expression on his face, and he swung his sword a few times, taking measured breaths.
He had done it. He had been close, but he had done it. He had defied Father, had resisted that temptation that Gabriel knew was so horrible to experience. And here he was now, insistent on a distraction, insistent on learning to fight.
Gabriel didn’t think any of the rest of them possessed that kind of strength.
There was talk of Barry staying home for a few days, skipping out on class until he felt better. Everyone was involved in the conversation--sitting in the living room after dinner--and Barry didn’t seem to mind.
“How do you feel about it?” Nora asked cautiously.
Barry thought. Gabriel could tell he was exhausted.
“I got the pills from Katie,” he said, and Gabriel was surprised. “I don’t think she’ll have any more. But it’s better safe than sorry.”
“There isn’t an attendance rule, is there?” Nora asked worriedly.
Barry shook his head. “We do most of our work online anyway.”
“It’s up to you, Barry,” Mel said firmly. “We’re not forcing you.”
“Yeah, we’re not ganging up on you,” Nora said.
“I know. But I don’t want to risk it, either.”
Gilla gently clapped her hands.
She signed, and Nora translated, “Yeah. How can we help?”
Barry smiled slightly. “I’ve never had this much help before.”
They went to bed. Gabriel didn’t want to leave Barry alone, even though the storm had passed. But he resisted the urge to shower with him, and lay on the bed instead.
Serene would be triumphant if she found out. See, she would say, I told you this would happen.
He remembered their fight, in Judith’s house. How he had chewed her out for daring to lecture his boyfriend, how she had insisted he was young; he would get sick again, and Gabriel wouldn’t be able to handle it. Gabriel had bristled at the presumptions, and had pointed out that it was rich hearing her insist on Barry slipping up, when she herself had made a life changing mistake of her own.
They had left it there, both furious. And they hadn’t been able to look at each other when she visited just a couple days ago.
But Gabriel didn’t care what she had said. Barry had balanced on a precipice today, close to falling, and he had taken that step back, away from his demons. And even if he got sick again, Gabriel would take care of him. He was strong enough.
Barry’s phone rang, and Gabriel glanced at it. It was Katie.
He propped himself up on his elbow, frowning. Barry had said Katie had given him the pills, although he hadn’t elaborated. Gabriel wondered how she must be feeling. She was a nice girl; surely she wasn’t feeling happy about the whole thing.
Before he could change his mind, he picked up the phone and answered.
“Hey, Katie,” he said. “It’s Gabriel.”
“Oh,” Katie’s voice said, hesitant. “Hi. Is Barry there?”
“He’s in the shower. Are….you all right? He told me.”
A pause. Then her voice, shaky, replied, “Oh, Gabriel….I’m so sorry. I hate myself. Did he take them?”
“No, he didn’t,” Gabriel replied. “Don’t hate yourself, either.”
“It was all I could think about today….but I was too much of a coward to call him until now.”
“He’s all right.”
He hesitated, then asked, “Are you?”
Another pause. “I suppose,” she sighed. “I’m tired. But the craving’s gone. Now I just feel like shit.”
“Where’d you get it?”
“A person from class,” Katie replied dully. “They had an operation and had some pills left over.”
Gabriel heard the water cut off, and saw Barry stepping out of the shower. He caught Gabriel’s eye, who pointed to the phone.
“It’s Katie,” he said.
Barry didn’t look upset that he had answered the call. He dried off, left the bathroom and took the phone from him.
“Hey….no, I’m all right….don’t worry about it….”
He was still a little flat, dull, from a long day of strong emotions. He dressed while they talked, and then lay down beside Gabriel, taking his hand.
“You should stay away for awhile….yeah, I’ll be back in a week….I can help you over the phone….”
When he ended the call Gabriel said, “Sorry--I wanted to be sure she was all right.”
“You can answer my calls whenever you want, love,” Barry replied, rubbing at his eyes. “Christ. I feel like shit.”
“You’ll be better tomorrow.”
He frowned and looked at him. “God was wrong. How does that happen?”
Gabriel thought for a moment, as they both got under the covers.
“I think he underestimated you,” he finally said, slipping an arm across his waist. “He holds your past against you, because he’s a twit. He didn’t think you could do it.”
“I didn’t think I could do it,” Barry murmured, his eyes closed.
Gabriel knew he was close to dozing off. “But you did,” he said firmly.
Barry nodded, and in a moment he was asleep.
Gabriel held him for a while, watching him sleep. He was still mystified--that he, an Angel, could fall in love with a human, Barry especially. Barry didn’t realize just how incredible he was. He had taken them all on without fear, without resentment. And it was clear that he loved them.
He would be okay. He would feel better tomorrow, and now they had a whole week to spend together.
Gabriel was looking forward to it.
Ceres
It had been difficult watching the house without revealing her Presence. Ceres had actually had to buy a pair of binoculars and sit in a car, a couple hundred yards away, in order not to be detected. It was embarrassingly human, but the only option she had.
She knew Michael and Melkira by sight, having seen drawings of them as she grew up. It was strange seeing them in human clothes. They went in and out of the house here and there, often accompanied by two women, one petite and one tall. There were also two other men. All six seemed to have paired up.
They all appeared to be Angels--except one, the one that looked so young. He appeared to be in his twenties. What was more, the tattoo on his neck had clearly been a human’s work; Angels didn’t have ink like that.
She was walking down the pavement one day, searching for an alley to use to Travel back to the penthouse, when she felt a strong Presence.
They were fast, grabbing her around the throat and dragging her into an abandoned shop.
It was a male--tall, dark-haired and green-eyed, with a sort of asymmetrical face. His lip curled in disgust as he held a Blade to her throat.
She wasn’t afraid, though she grasped his wrist. “Who the fuck are you?” she spat, struggling.
The Blade pressed deeper into her throat, and she desisted.
“I could ask you the same thing,” he hissed. “Why are you watching that house?”
“Fuck you.”
Suddenly pain exploded within her, and she shrieked, jerking against the wall. Her spine arched, and her feet shuffled. She was nearly blinded with it.
She released his wrist, and the pain instantly vanished. She struggled to stay standing; her whole body had weakened, and gone numb.
The Angel was smiling, watching her as she stared at him, bewildered.
Then she laughed; she couldn’t help it. It was a lovely Talent, one she would have loved to possess. She would have used it well.
The Angel seemed to chuckle against his better judgment. “Tell me.”
Ceres sighed. “Does it matter?”
“Are you trying to hurt them
?” he asked dangerously.
She shrugged, unmoved. “Mostly Melkira and Michael.”
He looked relieved, and she studied him. The knife still cut against her throat, and she had a strong urge to swallow. “Why?”
He raised a hesitant eyebrow, lowering the knife. “Maybe I could pay you,” he said slowly, “to stay away from one of them.”
Ceres rubbed her throat, intrigued. “Who?”
“The little one. Eleanora.”
She frowned. This was an unexpected twist to her evening. What was a random Angel doing, guarding one of her subjects from a distance?
“Why?” she finally asked, looking him up and down. “Lovesick?”
He went pink, and she realized she was right on the mark. “I see. How very human.”
His head almost twisted, and he gave her a dangerous look.
“Fine,” she said, shrugging. “Kill me. There are others who will take my place, and they’ll be coming after you next.”
He faltered, surprised. Then he rallied. “Leave her alone, and I’ll give you information on them,” he said. “Anything you want. I’ve been watching them longer.”
Ceres hesitated. Now that was an offer she couldn’t refuse. It would expedite things, bring Ceres one step closer to doing the thing she so dearly loved: hurting humans.
She looked at him, still massaging her throat. “What’s your name?”
He cocked his head. “Does it matter?” he asked, echoing her words from earlier.
She smirked. “Tell me about the boy.”
“With the brown hair?”
She nodded, and he said, “They picked him up in Hackney. It was purely business at first, but then they took him in, and he mated with the other young one. He’s not very useful. He goes to the university down the road.”
Ceres took this in, nodding. A weak link in the chain.
She looked at him, noting the pink in his cheeks, his hands balled into fists. “I’ll leave her alone. You can have her when the others are dead. Promise.”
“I hope so,” he hissed, “because I’ll have no trouble finding you if she dies. You think you’re good at stalking? You should see me.”
