by S. M. Soto
Chapter Thirty-Two
These last few weeks with Chase have been eye opening. I can’t believe how much time I’ve wasted wallowing in self-pity. Every day, he shows me something new, whether it’s the simple things, or the difficult things, like how to tighten my form while surfing or to remember to grab life by the horns, and never let go. Our relationship has done nothing but grow and blossom since he opened up to me about his little brother, Isaac. We’re stronger, tighter, and more resilient than imaginable; each day spent with Chase gives me a new reason to smile. My heart skips a happy little beat whenever he says those three little words that mean the world to me. He’s changed me, and my life–all for the better.
Things with Sam and Natalia are about as normal as it can get with those two. We haven’t had any more drama brew between us, and for that I’m relieved. Our friendship has flourished with every passing day we all spend together. I can’t imagine not having either of them in my life; they’re a small support system I never knew I needed.
Natalia has been dealing with her own issues at school and with her screwed up family. She isn’t saying much about it, but I know something huge is bothering her; she’s just not her normal vibrant self. I know the reason for Natalia’s sour moods has something to do with Luke Caldwell, star QB for the San Diego Aztecs. The two of them are so obviously in love with each other; I don’t know why they’re fighting it. As for Sam, well, she’s still the same old Sam— vivacious, crass, hilarious, loving, and protective.
With everything that’s happening in my life, I still try to make time for my frequent brunches with Mr. Walker. His presence is like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold day– a necessity. He keeps urging me to open up to Chase, fully open up, and lay every dark aspect of my life on the table. I know deep down it’s what needs to happen, what should happen, but I just can’t summon the strength to bring it up. I’m weak when it comes to exorcising the darkest recesses of my mind. It’s painful and all consuming–I’m just not sure I’m ready to air it out to anyone yet.
What if you’re never ready?
That little voice inside the back of my head nags me, leaving me reeling with a decision to make.
I plop down on the deck chair, food in hand for my lunch break. Natalia and Sam are already digging into their own meals.
“See, this is favoritism.” Sam scolds pointing at my food. “Why the hell is your sandwich bigger than mine? Just because you’re sleeping with the boss, Aliza, doesn’t mean I should suffer with this baby ass sandwich.” Sam pouts and I laugh. God, I love her.
“If it makes you feel any better, from here on out I’ll make sure you always get the bigger portions, Samantha.”
She rolls her eyes at my placating tone and grumbles something under her breath.
“So, what do you have planned for your birthday? We should do something!” Natalia says as she drums her hands on the table excitedly while Sam ooh’s loudly like she remembers something.
“Alex got a VIP booth so we’re all invited. Please no granny outfits this time guys,” she says with mock disdain. Every muscle in my body tenses, my heart freezes mid beat and all the air is sucked out of me.
It can’t already be my birthday, can it?
Oh, God.
My heartbeat, and my breathing intensify and my ears fill with white noise. I frantically look around the deck, searching for something I can use to ground myself. Everything is closing in around me, and the air is thickening, preventing me from breathing. Even with the ocean breeze whipping my hair around, I still feel like I’m suffocating. The axis has shifted, now tipping my world upside down.
“You said your birthday was August twentieth, right? I know it’s still only the sixteenth, but it’ll be here before you know it,” Natalia says, backtracking to make sure she didn’t get my birthday wrong. Her brows furrow in confusion at my silence.
Nope. She didn’t get it wrong at all.
How could I possibly forget it’s going to be the twentieth already? What kind of person am I?
“Aliza?” Sam’s question penetrates the fog clouding my thoughts. I snap my gaze to her worried expression and abruptly scoot away from the table. Natalia and Sam share panicked glances between each other, turning back to me with bewildered expressions. I inhale a deep calming breath.
“I don’t celebrate my birthday–ever.” My voice is strained and I’m unable to handle the confused expressions of my best friends any longer. With that, I shoot out of the chair and onto my feet, storming away from the table without a destination in mind. I just need to get away and think. My limbs move on autopilot as I gather my belongings. Eagerly swiping across the screen on my phone, I pull open the Uber app to wait for a lift.
I don’t recall the ride home. I just have one thing on my mind and there’s only one person I can talk to right now. Mr. Walker. The Uber driver drops me off in front of my condo and I jump out of the car. My feet slam against the pavement as I run toward Mr. Walker’s place. I fly up the steps and ring the doorbell frantically not bothering to catch my breath.
“Come on. Come on.” I pant as I ring and knock simultaneously. My heart is pounding against my chest, and my breaths are labored from the short run to his door.
“Mr. Walker!” I shout as my emotions start to boil over the surface. My lips quiver as tears pool in my eyes. I resume my frantic knocking, but get no response. Air is punched from my lungs as a hiccupping sob slips past my lips.
“I need you,” I whisper brokenly as a tear rolls down my cheek.
Once that first tear broke free, the rest follow in an unbroken stream. My shoulder sags against the front door and I rest my head against the hard surface for support. I lose myself completely as my shoulders shudder violently with my sobs. Unable to support myself against the door any longer, my knees hit the floor with a painful thud that is quickly forgotten. Pressing my palms to his welcome mat, I start to cry with the force of a person vomiting on all fours. My chest heaves with each of my ragged sobs. Somehow, I muster up enough strength to sit myself against Mr. Walker’s door. I prop my back on the door and pull my legs into my chest. My arms wrap around my legs tightly while I rest my tear stained face on my knees.
How could I forget?
The same question runs through my mind on repeat, and I’m still left without an answer. My body shudders with each shaky breath I take, and my eyes burn from the onslaught of tears. I gather myself off the floor and sop up the wetness on my face with the tail of my shirt. With a heavy heart and lead filled legs, I walk down Mr. Walker’s steps to the sidewalk leading home.
Opening my front door, I’m accosted by the barren look of my condo. I wait for the sense of home to infiltrate my senses and ease my pain, but it doesn’t. I don’t feel anything as I stare into the place I’ve been living for the last five months. My bottom lip quivers as I glance into the bare living room. The little hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. A wave of sorrow washes through me as I close my eyes and listen for the excited squeals and pounding of little feet–but it never comes.
My purse vibrates against my hand effectively gaining my attention. My fingers tremble as I unzip my purse to look for my phone. Every movement I make takes three times the effort it usually would. I’m drained of all energy and void of any life at this point. Exactly how I used to feel all the time. Tapping the screen of my phone it illuminates with missed call notifications from Chase, Sam, and Natalia. I shuffle into the condo to the living room with heavy feet, and plop down on the sofa. I swipe across the screen and scroll through my contacts. When I find who I’m looking for I press call. She’s the only one who will understand me.
The line dials and I stare blankly at the window in front of me waiting for the other line to be picked up.
“Hello?” Aunt Jenny’s chipper voice travels through the line and flows over my skin. My grip tightens around the phone resting against my ear, and I close my eyes letting her homey voice wash over me.
“Aliza, sweetie, are you
there? I can’t hear anything.” My aunt prods spurring me to say something.
“I forgot.” My voice is flat, devoid of any emotion.
“You forgot what, honey? I’m not following,” she queries and I can imagine the questioning look on her face. My lip trembles with a fresh bout of tears.
“How could I forget my birthday? The day she…” My voice cracks, trailing off, as the stabbing sensation in my heart surrenders to the tears. They flow steadily down my face and plop onto my chest like raindrops.
“Oh, honey.” Her voice is an achy whisper over the line. “Stop doing this to yourself, Aliza, please,” she pleads on the other end, close to tears. I shake my head no, even though she can’t see me.
“I was so caught up in…everything-g.” I stutter through my tears. “That I forgot the anniversary,” I croak.
A deafening sob escapes as the weight of guilt lays heavy on my shoulders.
“Listen to me, Aliza; you can’t keep doing this to yourself. I need you to move forward, I know it seems impossible but it isn’t. You have so much life left to live. You need to move forward, sweetheart. Don’t hold back any longer, she would want you to be happy,” my aunt says through her own tears. I drop my face into my hand and sob at the idea of ever moving on. I welcome the piercing pain in my chest. I deserve it.
“You wouldn’t have forgotten,” my aunt states firmly as she begins to gain back her composure. “Don’t throw away your newfound happiness, and all that progress.”
My eyes ache as the last few month’s flash before them.
“She’ll always be there with you,” my aunt whispers to my silence. My throat is closed tightly and each attempt at opening my mouth to speak was more futile than the last.
“I-I gotta go, Aunt Jenny.” Each word is pitched higher than the last in my effort to squeak out the words between my tears. My tears continue to spill over and flow down my face like a river escaping a dam. I lower the phone from my ear, faintly hearing Aunt Jenny’s distant goodbye.
Disconnecting the call, I curl into myself on the sofa and let the tears flow freely. Each tear is all consuming, hurling me farther and farther into the darkness I’ve come to know so well.
***
I startle awake. As I take in my surroundings, I realize I must’ve fallen asleep on the sofa. Light no longer shines through the windows, telling me I’ve slept well into the night. I don’t give myself a second to think before I force my rundown body to get up and take a shower. The warm steam clears my plugged nose and sinuses from all the crying I’ve done today. I go through the motions, washing my hair, and washing my body until I’m no longer able to stand from exhaustion. I crawl into bed with my phone cradled safely in my hand. I decide to check all my messages and missed calls from earlier, which have now tripled. Everyone’s obviously worried so I try to put them at ease with a simple text message. That’s all I can really handle at the moment.
“I’m sorry about earlier. Everything’s fine now.” I hit send and watch as the group message is delivered to Natalia and Sam. I move onto my messages from Chase. Each of his messages sounds more worried than the last. I close my eyes and let out a deep sigh; feeling like biggest asshole on the planet.
Don’t fuck this up, Aliza.
“I’m sorry I worried you, but I’m fine now. I just needed to sort some of my issues out.” I hit send and chew nervously on my finger nails as a wait for his response. I purse my lips in deep thought before my fingers fly over the screen typing out another message.
“Don’t give up on me…I love you.” I tap send and watch as the message is added to our text thread. I blow out a deep breath, and force myself not to dwell by placing my phone on the nightstand and wait until morning for a reply. Rolling onto my side I stare at the white of the wall in my dark room, I keep telling myself that tomorrow is a new day. I fall asleep within minutes of the mantra floating throughout my head.
Chapter Thirty-Three
The scent of flowers and the bright light surrounding me brings a smile to my face.
“Mommy! Mommy!” The blonde little girl shouts while she hops up and down. Her little white dress bounces with each of her excited jumps. She giggles and the sound echoes harmoniously through the air. Blonde waves cascade down her back like a golden blanket. Her blue eyes are bright, like glowing beacons, so vibrant and innocent. Cherubic cheeks give her the face of an angel.
“Yes, my love?” The young girl’s mother responds blissfully as she watches her daughter bounce excitedly in the meadow full of colorful wildflowers. The sun brightly shines down on them casting a warm hue around their silhouettes. The young girl grips her mother’s hand tightly and tugs her with the force only an energized child could exude.
“Come on, Mommy. Dance with me!” She laughs joyfully while she pulls her mother into step, and they both giggle uncontrollably. Happiness seeps out of their every pore as they embrace each other while dancing in the never-ending meadow of wildflowers. The young girl burrows her head into her mother’s stomach and her tiny arms tighten around her mother’s waist like she’s afraid to let go of something so beloved.
“I’ve missed you, Mommy.” She sighs happily as she slow dances with her mother through the meadow. Her mother’s arms tighten around her, nearly squeezing the life out of her, but all the child does is giggle in contentment. The little girl tilts her blue-eyed gaze to her mother’s reflecting blue eyes.
“I’ll wait for you, Mommy. I’ll always wait for you,” she whispers reassuringly, staring up into her mother’s eyes—my eyes. It’s then I look around and realize my arms are wrapped tightly around the young girl and we’re the only two in the meadow...
I jackknife into a sitting position, and pant wildly, trying to suck in air. My skin is drenched in a cold sweat and I fitfully try to recall what woke me up. My heavy-lidded eyes scan the dark fuzz around the room for any threats. There are no unusual noises coming from anywhere in the condo, the only sounds that can be heard are my pounding heart and heavy breathing. I shiver slightly from the cool sweat that drenches my body. I nervously lick my lips and scan the room again briefly before I lower myself back onto my pillows. I turn my head and read the time on the digital clock. 3:15 a.m. I close my eyes and blow out a deep breath as my hand runs through my hair haphazardly.
What the hell woke me?
I force myself to get comfortable as I try to remember what my dream was about. My mind doesn’t allow me to think too hard because in no time at all I’m snuggled back under my covers fast asleep.
I wake up the next morning, feeling unusually well rested. I’m not sure if it was all the pent up crying I released, but today I’m feeling energized and rejuvenated.
Two things I haven’t felt in a while. The heavy weight of guilt is still hovering over me, but I refuse to spiral because today is a new day. After washing my face and brushing my teeth I dress quickly in a pair of cutoff jeans and a t-shirt. The vibrating from my phone cuts through the silence of my room as it buzzes on the nightstand. My heartbeat picks up and I snatch it off the nightstand, swiping across the screen like a madwoman before the call goes to voicemail.
“Hello?” I say into the phone sounding over exerted and breathless. I didn’t even bother checking the ID to see who was calling; I just hoped it would be Chase. I hear a familiar scoff on the other line and my heartbeat returns to normal.
“Why did you just answer your phone like you were having marathon sex?” Sam says with an accusing voice. “Great idea, Natalia. She’s having marathon sex and we’re right outside. Fucking great,” Sam mumbles irritably and I can’t contain my laughter.
“I am not having marathon sex, Samantha,” I scold as I roll my eyes knowing she can’t see me.
“Thank fuck for that.” She sighs like she’s relived. “Open the damn door, will you.”
Natalia’s cackling laughter can be heard in the background.
“Someone’s a little hostile this morning, aren’t they?” I ask with an amused grin as
I open my front door for Sam and Nat. Sam grimaces with the phone still next to her ear; she narrows her eyes at me in warning. I know she’s not a morning person but I love giving her shit for it anyway. I hang up my phone and step aside so they can come in. I’ve only just closed the door and turned around, before I’m engulfed in what can only be described as a bear hold.
Natalia squeezes me in a tight hug and I’m wrapped in her comforting scent. She always smells like something tropical.
“We just came over to make sure you were okay,” she says in explanation. I sigh lightly, having figured that was going to happen. Natalia doesn’t show any signs of letting up so I laugh nervously.
“Do you plan on holding me all day?” I joke through a small laugh. She immediately let’s go and winces at me in remorse.
“Sorry. Got a little carried away.” She shrugs her shoulders. I look between the two curiously then arch my brows as I cross my arms over my chest.
“What aren’t you telling me?” I prod the two of them. They look between each other briefly before Sam shrugs and gets on with it.
“Chase gave you the weekend off and we may have convinced him to give us the whole weekend off, too,” she says sounding happy with herself. My face falls a bit.
Why hasn’t he called me?
“What?” Sam says defensively, mistaking my fallen face for something else. “I’ve never had a Friday off alright, so excuse me for taking advantage of a situation. I saw an opportunity and took it. Sue me. I just want the good life,” she says dramatically with her arms crossed over her chest.
“No one said anything to you, jackass,” Natalia says with an eye roll.
I twist my hands in front of me nervously before asking about Chase.
