Better than good. He looks the best. The best thing that ever happened to me.
“How are you?” he asked as she lead him into her bedroom. She turned around, a little overwhelmed by how big he was in her room. How much space he took up.
“I'm good. Tired – things have been picking up at the restaurant,” she sighed, sitting down by her desk. He nodded and lowered himself to sit on her bed.
“I can't imagine being a waiter ... wait, was I ever a waiter?” he asked. She smiled at him.
“Yes, but it was before we ever met,” she told him. He nodded and rubbed his hands together.
“I'm sorry I haven't been able to see you lately,” he said, looking around her room. She was pretty sure he hadn't looked at her once since she'd let him into the apartment. “Things have been crazy busy. So many people are interested in my story, in that book. It's kind of gotten away from me. They, uh, they want to fly me out to L.A. next week. I'll be out there for a while.”
“That's really great, Jon,” she told him. He still looked uncomfortable, and she felt uncomfortable, so she didn't know what to do. She leaned forward and rubbed his knee. “It's scary and crazy and probably a little too much, but really, it's great.”
“When you say it, I almost believe it,” he chuckled, and his hand slid over the top of hers. They held still for a second, then both pulled way at the same time. “So. Lunch with Kitty, huh? How'd that go?” Delaney laughed and he finally looked at her.
“Interesting,” she admitted. “She told me a lot of stuff I didn't know. She's the reason I disappeared for those couple weeks.”
“Yeah, I know. She told me when we broke up.”
“But I'm not mad. I kind of understand, you know? I can imagine how she must have felt,” she said softly. He nodded.
“I'm not surprised. I bet you were always understanding.”
“I wouldn't say that. You haven't seen my temper yet.”
“I don't know, I seem to remember someone slapping me and telling me to suck it, then giving me the finger.”
“Which time?” she laughed again, but he just looked confused.
“Huh?”
“Never mind,” she sighed. “I don't know if Kitty and I will ever be best friends, but at least we understand each other now. She's nice. I can see why you fell for her.”
“Thanks, she is nice,” he mumbled, looking down at his hands.
“So what've you been up to? You look good,” she told him. He smiled.
“Thanks. I moved out of the hotel, I'm staying with Sloany now. Er, I mean, Mrs. Sloan,” he answered.
“Oh good, I really like her.”
“She likes you, too.”
“She also has excellent taste.”
They both laughed.
“I think it's my turn to apologize,” he said when they'd fallen silent. She went very still.
“For what?” she asked, pulling her legs up so she could wrap her arms around her knees.
“For not making time for you,” he said. “For not being the guy I used to be. For not remembering. For not knowing what I want. For not knowing what I should do at any given time.”
It was a lot for him to all lay out at once, Delaney's head was spinning. She swallowed thickly, then nodded and rested her chin on top of her knees.
“It's okay,” she said softly.
“God,” he groaned, raking his hands through his hair. Apparently now that he'd started to speak, he was finding it hard to stop. “I just wish things were different. I want all these good things for everyone. Sloany, you, Kitty, and I don't think I can do it for you guys. I can barely figure out my own way around – how can I be with anyone?”
“Really, it's okay, Jon,” she insisted. “No one expects anything from you. We just want you to be happy. That's it. That's all.”
“But it's not. Sloany wants me to be successful. Kitty wants me to be in love. And you ... you just ... you want ...” he stammered.
“I just want you to be happy,” she promised.
“That's almost worse!” he snapped. “Why don't you ever get mad? Don't you hate me, or Kitty, just a little?”
“No. Not a little. Not even at all.”
“You thought I'd left you, or died, and then I went and found a new life without you. Doesn't that make you angry?” he asked. She shook her head.
“No, I'm glad you're alive, and I knew no matter what, we'd find each other again. That's just the kind of people we are. We find each other,” she told him. He shook his head.
“I don't know if I believe that,” he was breathing hard. “I'm not ... I can't remember our relationship, and I believe everything you said, how we were in love and we were happy. But Delaney – we were homeless. We did drugs all the time. And then later, the first time we were alone together, we cheated on my girlfriend. We weren't – aren't – healthy. And on top of that, I'm afraid ... afraid you won't love this guy as much as you loved the other guy. I don't want to ruin your memories of him.”
Delaney was breathing fast, too. She couldn't be listening to this. Didn't know how to tell him he was already ruining those memories.
“I understand,” she whispered, wiping at her eyes. “And like I said, I'm not asking for anything, and I'm certainly not going to try to convince you of anything. But Jon ... Jayson, it wasn't all bad. I swear to you. On drugs or off, I've never been that happy in my life. Just being near each other, it was like sunshine every day. For both of us. So please, whatever happens between us from this point on, please don't ever say it was bad. Okay? I can handle most things, but that's just too much.”
Jon groaned and stood up, then started pacing.
“I'm sorry. I just fuck everything up for us, don't I?” he said, his hands in his hair.
“You don't,” she told him, standing up as well.
“Delaney,” he said, turning towards her. “God, I have tried so hard to remember. And it's like your always there, at the edge of my vision, just out of sight. I can feel you and taste you and smell you, but you're not there. I even dream about you, but I can't remember.”
“Why are you telling me this?” she whispered, ignoring the tears running down her face.
“Because I can't ... Delaney, I just can't. I don't know you. I don't know if I'm any good for you, or worthy of you. I don't even know what I want, so how can you possibly expect me to give you what you need? I wish I could. Everyday, I hope I'll remember. That I'll wake up and you'll be next to me and it'll be like it was. But it can't. It just can't. That time in our life is over, now. Gone. Forgotten,” he finally finished.
She was crying too hard to respond. Of course she'd already told herself all the same things, but it was different hearing it from him. Hearing it from the only mouth she ever wanted to kiss.
When his arms went around her, she wanted to push him away. Wanted to shove him onto another set of train tracks. But instead, she clung to him and cried into his chest. Her heart was breaking for a man who didn't exist anymore. For a love that should have lasted forever.
“I'm sorry,” he was whispering into her ear. “I'm so sorry, Delaney.”
“I miss you,” she sobbed. “I miss you so much.”
“I know. I bet he would miss you, too.”
She cried even harder.
“Why did this happen to us?” she said between gasps for air. “What did we do to deserve this? We were happy.”
“I'm sorry. Please, don't cry anymore. It kills me. Please,” he begged through clenched teeth. He gripped her arms and gently pushed her away so he could look her in the face.
“There's nothing now,” she was crying so hard she was shaking. “Nothing for me.”
“Don't say that,” he moaned, leaning down and pressing his forehead to hers. “I'm not him, but I'm still here.”
“I can't ... I can't ... I can't ...” she couldn't even breathe, let alone talk.
“Shhh. Don't cry. Please, babe, don't cry,” he whispered.
Babe.
She gasped and looked up at him. He stared down at her for a second with those steely green eyes of his. So familiar, yet so distant. She stared right back, blinking away tears.
Then he was kissing her. Tenderly, almost nervously. She held still, freezing her heart. Refusing to let this stranger in again. He sighed and his arms went back around her, holding her close as he kissed her again.
“Please, please, please,” he whispered against her lips.
The first time Delaney had ever met Jayson, she hadn't been able to resist him. Not even when he was a complete jerk to her – her tough guy act had been just that, a total act. Now all this time later, even with all the distance between them, she still couldn't resist him.
She cried and she kissed him back, smoothing her hands over his shoulders. He shuddered and his mouth opened, his tongue lightly sliding across her bottom lip.
“Jon, please ...” she breathed. Begged him.
He didn't pay any attention to her words. He seemed to be tuned into her heart only. He forced her backwards till they were up against a wall, then his tongue was back in her mouth. She moaned when she felt his hands on her wrists, then he was pinning her arms to the wall above her head.
“I remember this,” he sighed.
“I know you do,” she replied, arching away from the wall so she could press against him.
This was a bad, bad idea, she knew. It was only going to cause her more pain. The night they'd shared together had been amazing. Like a dream. Like going back in time. But it had taken her days to get over it. To rebuild her walls and her strength. To remind herself that he no longer belonged to her. He was free, and she had to let him go.
He let go of her wrists and ran his hands heavily over her body, pressing down against her breasts and hips. She combed her fingers through his hair, wanting to remember every follicle. They kissed again, pushing against each other. Trying to push through each other.
Trying to remember something that doesn't exist anymore.
“I loved you once,” he said as he kissed along her jaw. “I know I did.”
“You did,” she agreed, wrapping her arms around him and holding him close. Never wanting to let him go.
“Maybe I could learn to love you again,” he whispered. Her heart swelled and fluttered for a moment, then fell back down. She smiled and buried her face in his neck.
“No,” she whispered back. “Those times are over. Gone. Forgotten.”
He stopped kissing her. His arms went around her waist and his palms went flat against her back, crushing her to him. Making it hard for her to breathe. She squeezed just as hard, wanting to become one with him forever.
For the last time ever.
“But I did love you,” he said in her ear. She sniffled.
“And now you need to love yourself. Go to L.A., go see the world. Find out who Jon Doherty is. Maybe he'll think of me sometimes,” she said.
“He thinks of you all the time.”
“I can't ask you stay,” she whispered. “You were right. We don't know each other. Go, and be happy. Do all the things you were meant to do, and if you ever find yourself in New York again, maybe look me up.”
“Wherever I go, I promise you, Jayson and Delaney will be with me,” he assured her. She smiled and gently pushed him back.
“Good. I'm glad. I hate to think you might be lonely.”
They awkwardly fell apart. The moment was over. Dead. Lost, along with Jon's memory. It never could have lasted. Just a bright flash of recognition, gone as quickly as it came. Two strangers faced one another, missing each other already.
She held his hand as she walked him to the door, selfishly reveling in the feeling. When he was in the hallway, she squeezed his fingers and started letting him go.
“You're coming to the party?” he asked, clinging to her fingers.
“I don't know, Jon. Kitty invited me, but I just don't know,” she replied, leaning against her door frame.
“I get it. I totally do. But honestly, it would mean a lot to me if you were there,” he told her. She smiled at him.
“I think it will just make things harder,” she said. He nodded.
“Maybe. But I'd rather something difficult, than nothing at all.”
“That's so you,” she breathed, and his brows drew together in confusion.
“What?”
“Nothing,” she shook her head, then finally jerked free from his grip. “I'll try. I won't promise you, but I'll try.”
“That's all I can ask. I leave soon, I don't know when I'd get to see you again,” he warned her. She nodded.
“I know. And Jon?” she asked as he started taking a step away.
“Yeah?” he responded, holding still.
She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, then stood on her tiptoes and kissed him quickly.
“You were the best time of my whole life. Thank you for that,” she said. He looked stunned for a second, then he smiled down at her.
“Thanks. I think ... I think I felt the same way about you,” he replied, and she smiled back.
“I think you did, too.”
22
Delaney didn't go to the party.
Jon spent most of the night looking for her, his head always turning back to look at the doors. But she never appeared. Halfway through the event, he got a text message.
I'm sorry. It would be too hard for both of us, and I never want to make things hard for you. Just know that I believe in you, and I love you, and I hope wherever you end up, you're happy.
She was right, of course. It had been hard enough in her apartment. His brain had been at war with his body, creating a cacophony of confusion. If she'd shown up at the party, it just would've been worse. She would've cried again, and that would be the worst. He didn't like to make women cry in general, but when it was Delaney, it broke his heart. Made him feel sick to his stomach. Made him want to pick her up and carry her back to a time and place where they'd known each other.
I'm so broken, though. Lost in this fog. I can't drag her in here with me. She said it – I need to find myself.
Kitty did a good job distracting him, and not just by helping him mingle. He believed everything she'd said during their dinner, but old habits die hard. She hung on his arm, smoothed her hand down his tie. Fawned over him, fussed.
I feel like I'm on a date with my mother.
“Kitty, stop,” he grumbled, shoving her hands away. She'd been trying to fix the knot in his tie.
“I'm sorry! I just want you to look your best. There's photographers,” she reminded him.
“I don't care.”
“Well, I do – I'm in these pictures, too. Do you want us to look ridiculous?”
I want us to not be in photos together.
“I'm too tired to deal with this,” he complained, glancing around the room. “Would it be awful if I went home early?”
“Yes! Jon, my parents spent a fortune on tonight! Please, just stick it out for another hour, then I'll take you home myself,” she promised him.
Then she paraded him around for another hour, introducing him to people he didn't care about and he wouldn't remember.
“Kitty,” he started asking after another random couple walked away. “Do you ever think about what ifs?”
“Oh lord, all the time. What if I'd missed that sale? What if I'd gone to vet school? What if I hadn't started working at the community center?” she prattled off, ending with a smile.
“What if I hadn't fallen on those tracks? What do you think would've happened?” he was curious. She thought for a second.
“I probably would have left the community center after Christmas,” she said. “I'd been thinking about going back to school again even before you showed up.”
“So there's another thing I ruined,” he muttered.
“Excuse me?”
“Nothing. And what about me? Where do you think I'd be?” he asked. She smiled sadly.
“I don't know, somewhere in Brooklyn with Delaney.”<
br />
“You think?”
“I know so. Probably doing awful,” she added. “But probably really happy.”
“We never would have met. Ever. Del said we almost never came to the city, and never ever up to Harlem. I wouldn't exist to you,” he pointed out.
“And you wouldn't exist to me. Isn't that sad?”
He nodded out of reflex, but his brain was still working. It would have been sad – despite all her faults, he really did like Kitty. They had good conversations, and sometimes he even kinda liked the way she mothered him.
But being in Brooklyn with Delaney – would that have been so bad? He couldn't remember it, but sometimes when he kissed her, he felt like he almost could. Like the feelings were all still there. Laughing with her and laying with her. Just being.
“Yeah,” he finally responded. “It would be sad.”
Shortly after, they snuck out. Caught a taxi out front and gave the directions to Sloany's house. Kitty scooted over on the seat, pressing up against his side and laying her head on his shoulder.
“I'm going to miss you, Jon,” she sighed. He nodded.
“I'll miss you, too.”
“Oh, maybe. For a little while. Then life will move on. There'll be so much to do and see, so many people to meet. Think of me once in a while?”
“I will.”
The taxi was rolling to a stop when her hand slid onto his face. Pulled him around so he was facing her. Then she was pressing her soft lips to his, kissing him. Her fingers moved into his hair, curling around the dark strands.
He let it happen, didn't push her away. Let his lips stay soft and loose. But he didn't touch her, and he didn't kiss her back. When she finally pulled away, it was with a sigh.
“A girl's gotta try,” she laughed softly, then she swiped her thumb over his bottom lip, wiping away her gloss.
“An excellent attitude,” he chuckled, opening the door and climbing to his feet. “Now start applying it to someone else.”
As soon as he shut the door, she rolled down the window and leaned out of it.
“I'll be here at nine in the morning,” she assured him. His plane left at one, Sloany was driving him to the airport around ten. Nowhere in those plans had it been mentioned that Kitty would be coming along.
Muscle Memory Page 21
