‘You need to go and find her. Now.’ Dawn had never known her brother to flounder so much over an issue so important.
She popped her head in to check on Archie and Harry. The adults were hovering in the kitchen doorway talking in hushed tones and she was aware that the monotone description of the meerkat episodes was absent.
Archie was steadily rocking Harry in his bouncer. He offered his mum a smile as he glanced at his charge who was absolutely sound.
‘He likes the meerkats,’ Archie said.
‘I think he likes the bouncing as well,’ Dawn whispered.
Archie stared at the screen again and, as they were both as happy as Larry, Dawn went back to David in the hope he had more to say on the matter of his wife’s disappearance.
David looked drawn, as if all optimism had been zapped from his being. ‘I would go to her, but I don’t think it’ll solve anything. I’ve said everything I can think to say and more. Whatever I suggest seems to be the wrong thing. I went and found her last time and it hasn’t solved anything. I was hoping you would speak to her.’
The whole situation was more messed up than Dawn had realised. How had she not known that Rebekah had run off before? There was nothing she could do about what had already happened, but was she the one to convince Rebekah that she was capable of becoming a mother? Especially when she was doubting it was true.
‘Give me the address of where she’s staying,’ Dawn said quickly before she gave it any more thought.
‘Thank you. I’m not sure what I’m going to do otherwise.’
‘You’ll need to find some lunch for Archie. I’m hoping you’ve got some supplies in the cupboards?’ Dawn didn’t want to think about the fact he’d practically described her as their last hope. It wouldn’t help to have that kind of pressure on her shoulders in her hunt for Rebekah.
‘I can rustle up beans on toast.’
As it was one of his favourite dishes, Archie would be delighted.
‘Okay, well, I’ll be back as soon as I can.’
Chapter 19
Archie was happy to be left, playing the role of big brother perfectly. It made Dawn a bit sad that she would never have another, or at least that was what her instincts were telling her.
Arriving in the TravelStop car park, Dawn let her engine run, unsure if she wanted to stay or run. Somehow it didn’t feel right to be interfering in someone else’s marriage, not even her brother’s. This felt like an issue they should be resolving themselves and a matter she shouldn’t be commenting on. What would she even say if Rebekah was here? If she was suffering with any kind of depression she needed to be supportive, but it was hard not to judge her for abandoning her young family. There was a part of her that understood and a part that totally didn’t and she needed to make sure she voiced the right one.
Driving away wouldn’t help anyone, so she took her key out of the ignition and headed to the reception.
‘Hi, I’m here to see Rebekah Manton. Sorry, I don’t know her room number.’ Dawn hoped she wouldn’t be scuppered before she’d got anywhere in her search. Rebekah wasn’t answering her phone and, if she wasn’t here, she didn’t have any other clues as to where she might have vanished to.
‘Let me ring through to her room for you. Can I take your name?’
Dawn hesitated for a moment. Was there someone else she’d be more likely to invite in? There was no point in lying so Dawn it was. At least the fact the woman was calling through to a room meant that Rebekah was here.
The receptionist placed the handset down again. ‘She’s in room 207.’
‘Thanks.’ Success.
‘I hope you don’t mind me mentioning it, but she sounds a bit upset.’
‘Thanks,’ Dawn repeated, unsure what to do with the information and wishing she’d brought something with her, although flowers or chocolates wouldn’t solve anything.
When she knocked on the door of the generic hotel room, it was a while before Rebekah answered by swinging the door wide and leaving it for Dawn to walk through.
Crossing the threshold felt like an invasion of Rebekah’s personal space. This was where she’d come to escape and here Dawn was, chasing her.
‘Tea?’ Rebekah offered, making the moment seem surreally civilised.
‘Tea would be good.’ It would give them a chance to talk, even if it did mean having to make do with those disgusting containers of pasteurised milk.
The room with its classic design only held a few of Rebekah’s possessions. A small weekend bag lounged on the floor. The only other item that belonged to Rebekah was a pair of hair straighteners lying on the desk. It was so sparse. Why would she run from a loving family home to this?
‘Take a seat.’ Rebekah offered Dawn the only chair in the room.
‘It’s okay, I can sit here.’ Dawn indicated the end of the bed, where she perched before Rebekah was able to argue. She tucked her hands behind her knees, suddenly feeling incredibly awkward and self-conscious.
For a few minutes, the only noise in the room was the crescendo of the kettle as it boiled.
‘How are you?’ Dawn asked, having found no better way to start the conversation.
‘I know I shouldn’t be here,’ Rebekah said, ‘but I can’t be there.’ She poured the hot water into cups, unable to look Dawn in the eye.
‘Why? What could possibly be so bad that you’d choose here over home?’ Dawn didn’t understand.
Rebekah pulled at the sleeve of her cardigan, running the soft fibres across her cheeks without glancing Dawn’s way.
‘You wouldn’t understand.’
‘I don’t think I do, that’s probably why you need to explain it to me.’
Rebekah passed the finished cup of tea, staring into the depths of the mug rather than facing the recipient.
Dawn sipped the tea and tried not to grimace at the tang of plastic milk. If she’d been a bit more thoughtful she could have brought some supplies, but then she was here to try and get Rebekah to come home, not make her more comfortable. Despite it not being the world’s greatest cuppa, it was worth clinging on to in the absence of conversation. She couldn’t find anything substantial to say to the mother who didn’t want to come home. All she was able to do was listen if Rebekah was ever willing to talk.
‘Nothing is how I thought it would be.’ Rebekah finally spoke once half of Dawn’s drink had disappeared.
‘I think that’s true for every parent.’ The comment came out instinctively, but it wasn’t true. Parenting was different for everyone. ‘It’s just everyone copes with it in their own way.’ Dawn was putting her foot in her mouth without meaning to. On the spectrum of coping, running away to cheap hotels to escape was probably dipping very low on the chart.
‘A baby’s cries should bring out a mother’s caring instinct. I’m the polar opposite of how it should be. He cries so much, it’s actually making me go crazy. I’ve been here for two days and I can still hear that piercing scream in my ears. I can’t bear it.’
‘Harry’s only young. It’s his only way of communicating.’
‘I know that. I’ve read every possible piece of literature on why my baby might be crying. On what I should do. I’ve asked all the right people all the right questions to try and get this sorted, but it doesn’t change the fact that babies do not come with their own individual instruction manual. And it doesn’t change the fact that I’m not his mother.’ Rebekah’s tone was harsh and she was having to make use of her cardigan sleeves again as tears brimmed over.
Dawn’s chest ached and despaired all at once. ‘How can you think that?’
‘Because it’s true. He’s crying for you. That’s why he won’t stop.’
‘But I’m not his mother. I might have carried him, but it was your egg. Genetically I’m nothing more than his auntie.’
‘But he doesn’t know that. All he knows is that connection he had since conception and it wasn’t with me.’
Dawn put down her mug and placed a hand on Rebekah�
�s knee. ‘Harry’s time with me was brief. It was nine months, and that connection has gone.’ She took her hand off as if it represented what she meant. Like somehow a visual aid was going to help. ‘You have an entire lifetime with him now to make it count. To let him know who his mum is. The only way you can do that is to be with him. To be there for him when he needs you. It’s okay that you’ve come here. Every mother needs respite. It doesn’t matter how much our love extends, there comes a point when we need our own space to remember who we are. If this is what it took, that’s fine. What matters is that you go back.’
‘There’s something else.’
‘What?’ There was so much hurt coming from Rebekah when this should be the happiest part of her life.
‘I can’t stop mourning my angel babies. I can’t stop focusing on what should have been. I felt so connected to them in a way I never can with Harry. It’s not fair.’
‘Harry is your rainbow baby. You need to embrace that with every inch of your soul.’ He might not have come about in the most conventional way, but it was a miracle that they lived in an age where such feats were possible. If she didn’t feel that connection she needed to do everything she could to create it.
‘The only thing my soul is doing is wanting to run away. They’re better off without me.’
‘Have you spoken to anyone about this?’ It struck Dawn that Rebekah was voicing grief she’d never shared with her before.
‘Yes, David. He’s my husband. I should be able to talk to him about our children, but he’s so fixated on Harry, it’s like the others didn’t exist.’
‘Harry is your son.’
‘I know he is. You sound just like David.’
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to sound careless. I just mean you need to view Harry in the same way.’
‘David doesn’t see that the others were my children as well. They were Harry’s brothers and sisters. I am allowed to think about them. Just because he’s arrived doesn’t mean they didn’t exist.’
‘I’m sorry. I just didn’t realise you were feeling like this. David never said anything.’
‘It’s because he doesn’t feel the same. He didn’t sense that connection like I did. We never got far enough along for him to feel the movement of his child in my belly. He doesn’t mourn them like I do. He never will.’
‘You have to talk with someone about all of this. Everything you’ve told me isn’t going to change and it’ll eat away at you if you can’t move past this.’ Clearly it already was. How sad it was that it was only now Dawn knew it was a problem. The last miscarriage seemed so long ago. Three years ago, or was it four? It had been a long period of heartbreak and not one that had been easy to move on from. But with pinpointing the problem and the birth of Harry, Dawn thought they’d moved past that black period. Sadly, it was still casting a big shadow over Rebekah’s happiness.
‘What if I don’t want to move past this? Everyone wants me to forget about what happened and act all happy for the sake of my baby. But I can’t. I need to be able to remember them.’
‘I don’t want to leave you here like this. Even if you don’t feel up to going home, you have to come and stay with us. The pull-out sofa is comfier than this bed and it won’t cost you money you can’t afford. However we handle this, we’ll do it in small steps.’
Rebekah’s tears started up again, this time their flow not slowing. ‘I can’t impose on Archie and you like that. I’m fine here.’
Deciding that she’d listened for long enough, and that now was a time for action, Dawn got up, unplugged the hair straighteners and loaded them into Rebekah’s open bag. ‘There, you’re all packed and you’re coming with me.’ She took Rebekah’s hand and, with virtually no resistance, guided her friend to the car.
They might be sisters-in-law, she might have gifted Rebekah a baby she was struggling to accept, but right at this moment, Rebekah needed a friend. And for the first time it was occurring to Dawn that, first and foremost, Rebekah was her friend. She might not have done everything she had if that weren’t the case, and as friends went she’d been a really crap one not to realise what Rebekah was going through. It was time to make amends.
Chapter 20
Dawn dropped Rebekah off at the flat before doing anything else. Part way along their silent journey, she decided it was easier if Rebekah had her room. That way she could still have some privacy if she needed it, but wouldn’t be alone in a hotel room with no one for company. It meant she was able to keep an eye on her and that was way more comforting than the present set-up. She wasn’t sure her brother would see it like that, though. It was Friday, so, with the weekend ahead, David wasn’t pushed to go back to work, but he would need to at some point. If Rebekah still didn’t feel able to look after Harry, they would have to come up with some kind of plan, but at the moment this was one step closer to being okay while at the same time being so far from it, it was untrue.
David was occupied with the children when Dawn arrived.
‘Sorry, it took longer than I hoped.’ The time had flown by and it was late in the afternoon.
‘Did you find her?’ Harry was being burped on his shoulder and he was deftly helping Archie make a chip butty with the other.
‘Yes.’
‘Ah.’ David let out a sound, the wave of relief lifting the note higher than it might have been. ‘Is she with you? Is she coming home?’
‘Not yet. I’ve invited her to stay with us for a few days. She just needs some time. There’s things she needs to process. I think you know what.’ Dawn gave her brother a glare. She didn’t want to be too graphic in front of Archie, but she hoped David knew what she was referring to. Plus, he deserved a good evil stare for not having spoken to her about how Rebekah was feeling. But she realised his nature was too pragmatic and he was busy dealing with the practical aspect of coping with a newborn son.
‘Well, I guess it’s a step in the right direction. When can I see her?’
‘Hold your horses. She’s not in a happy place at the moment. I do have an idea, though. Tomorrow, can you bring Harry to the zoo? Meet us in the car park at ten?’
‘Okay.’ There was a sadness in David’s eyes she’d not seen before. Not since their father had passed away unexpectedly.
‘I’m sorry she didn’t want to come back. She still loves you.’ Dawn didn’t know that for sure. Their chat earlier had covered a lot, but it hadn’t quite encompassed the state of their marriage. But she believed it was true. She wouldn’t have said it if she didn’t. And she had to believe that somehow Rebekah would learn to love Harry as well.
The following day, it was a hard job convincing Rebekah she should get out of the flat. Dawn didn’t have a clue what the right or wrong thing to do was given this scenario, so all she had were her own instincts. All along, Dawn had felt Rebekah wasn’t doing enough with Harry outside of the house. Three months cooped up at home with little in the way of support wasn’t going to help anyone.
‘The fresh air will do you good if nothing else,’ Dawn said on their way there, hoping Rebekah wouldn’t despise her for making her dress.
‘I can show you the meerkats if you like, Auntie Rebekah. I don’t even have to look at my notes now to work out who is who. And you might meet Joel. He’s the coolest keeper ever. And he can paint.’
When Rebekah didn’t respond, Dawn answered for her. ‘Your auntie would probably like a walk around the zoo to look at all the other animals. I think she might need a bit of peace and quiet.’
‘Well, don’t go to the penguins if you want that,’ Archie recommended. ‘Everyone goes there first so it’s always busy.’
‘I won’t. Thanks, Archie.’
Rebekah being so quiet was making Dawn worry. Maybe her plan wasn’t such a good one after all. Perhaps she really did need the peace and quiet for respite.
‘You two go on. I’ll meet you at the entrance. I just need to use the loo.’ It was a white lie, but it worked and, as they went on, she made her way to Davi
d’s car. She’d spotted him on the way in and just hoped she was the only one to notice.
‘Hi.’ David opened his window, making it look like an odd liaison indeed. ‘So what’s the plan?’
‘Harry’s joining us on our trip to the zoo. I’m hoping Rebekah will take him on a walk, but if not, I’ll look after him. I just want her to see that the outside world is beneficial for him. Did you bring everything I asked for?’
Harry was asleep in his car seat and it was going to be a shame to move him, but with any luck, once he was in the sling, he might stay that way.
Between them, they managed to gently transfer him out. Dawn secured the sling and loaded up with the change bag while David transferred the car seat to her car so she could deliver him home later.
‘Now you go home and give that house a good clean. If it doesn’t feel so hectic, Rebekah might be more inclined to stay.’
It was a bit of a damp hope that the whole situation could be fixed by a quick hoover and spring clean, but it certainly wouldn’t do any harm.
‘Thanks for doing this. I just don’t know what to do.’
‘Clean. The. House.’ Dawn spelt it out.
‘Right. Yes. Clean.’ David really was a lost soul at the moment.
At a more appropriate time, Dawn wanted to suggest to David that he arrange some kind of memorial for the children they’d lost and whom Rebekah was now mourning so heavily, but it was too soon for that. It was something they needed to do as a couple and they needed to find each other again first.
Heading to the entrance, she saw that Rebekah and Archie were waiting for her on the other side of the entry gates. It was a surprise as she had Archie’s pass, but then he was such a frequent flyer here most of the staff knew him well.
As she produced her own pass in order to get in, she knew they would have sussed she had Harry with her.
‘Is he sleeping?’ Archie whispered.
Dawn nodded, keeping a close eye on Rebekah’s reaction. If she wasn’t mistaken, for a brief moment, the corners of her mouth were angling upwards. It was a glimmer, but enough to tell her there was some kind of hope.
All That Is Left of Us Page 14
